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Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the cause and effects

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the cause and effects

In recent years, a soaring public concern has been directed at the population's overall health, especially that of the youth. It is noticeable that obesity is becoming prevalent among the young generations. This phenomenon results from numerous causes and has some negative impacts on individuals, which will be discussed in this essay.
On the one hand, childhood obesity is attributed to several factors. The primary reason is the sedentary lifestyles among the young generations. Since technological advancements offer internet users a wide range of recreational sources such as games and movies, the youth tend to allocate an excessive amount of time at home, shunning outdoor activities. Another rationale is the overconsumption of junk food among children. Hotdogs with the amount of oils outnumbering the recommended ratio, for instance, potentially make consumers gain weight. As a result, inactive lifestyles and unhealthy diets are underlying contributors to obesity among children at an early age.
Regarding the influence, being overweight during childhood exerts various implications on children. To begin with, obese children may face a high risk of catching serious ailments. As the youth consume ready-made food regularly; preventatives, sugar, and oils can invade their physical body, thereby causing diabetes and cardiovascular diseases. Additionally, overweight children may suffer from mental issues. Obese children are more likely to feel shy because of their physical difference from other fellows, which consequently results in a lack of confidence among them.
In conclusion, obesity during childhood in many countries stems from sedentary ways of life and unhealthy dietary habits, and this trend is physically and mentally disadvantageous for the young generations.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "soaring public concern" -> "heightened public concern"
    Explanation: Replacing "soaring public concern" with "heightened public concern" adds a touch of formality and sophistication to the language, aligning it more closely with academic style.

  2. "It is noticeable that" -> "It is evident that"
    Explanation: Substituting "It is noticeable that" with "It is evident that" imparts a more formal tone to the sentence, making the assertion stronger and better suited to academic writing.

  3. "Obesity is becoming prevalent" -> "Obesity is on the rise"
    Explanation: Changing "Obesity is becoming prevalent" to "Obesity is on the rise" maintains the formality of the statement while offering a more concise and academically appropriate expression.

  4. "recreational sources such as games and movies" -> "recreational outlets such as digital games and films"
    Explanation: Replacing "recreational sources such as games and movies" with "recreational outlets such as digital games and films" provides a more precise and formal description of the activities contributing to sedentary lifestyles.

  5. "allocate an excessive amount of time at home" -> "devote an excessive amount of time to indoor activities"
    Explanation: Substituting "allocate an excessive amount of time at home" with "devote an excessive amount of time to indoor activities" maintains clarity while using more formal language, suitable for an academic context.

  6. "outnumbering the recommended ratio" -> "exceeding the recommended proportion"
    Explanation: Changing "outnumbering the recommended ratio" to "exceeding the recommended proportion" introduces a more precise and formal expression, aligning with academic writing standards.

  7. "catching serious ailments" -> "developing serious health conditions"
    Explanation: Replacing "catching serious ailments" with "developing serious health conditions" enhances the formal and academic tone of the sentence, avoiding colloquial language.

  8. "preventatives, sugar, and oils can invade their physical body" -> "preservatives, sugar, and oils can affect their physical well-being"
    Explanation: Substituting "preventatives, sugar, and oils can invade their physical body" with "preservatives, sugar, and oils can affect their physical well-being" maintains a formal tone while improving precision and clarity.

  9. "Obese children are more likely to feel shy" -> "Obese children are prone to experiencing social anxiety"
    Explanation: Changing "Obese children are more likely to feel shy" to "Obese children are prone to experiencing social anxiety" introduces a more formal and specific term, aligning with academic language standards.

  10. "consequently results in a lack of confidence among them" -> "resulting in diminished self-confidence"
    Explanation: Substituting "consequently results in a lack of confidence among them" with "resulting in diminished self-confidence" improves precision and formality in expressing the negative impact on the confidence of obese children.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both causes and effects of childhood obesity. It identifies sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy diets as causes and discusses the potential impacts on health and mental well-being as effects.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could delve deeper into the effects of childhood obesity beyond health issues, such as its societal and economic implications. Adding statistical or empirical evidence would bolster the argument further.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance on childhood obesity being caused by sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy dietary habits. The positions are clear and supported throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To strengthen this, the introduction could explicitly state the essay’s stance on the issue, providing a roadmap for the reader about the forthcoming discussion.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents two main causes of childhood obesity (sedentary lifestyles, unhealthy diets) and elaborates on their impacts, primarily focusing on health and mental effects. However, the discussion lacks depth in exploring diverse consequences or offering nuanced examples.
    • How to improve: Expanding on the effects with specific examples or case studies could enrich the essay. For instance, citing studies on the correlation between junk food consumption and obesity rates could strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly focuses on the causes and effects of childhood obesity as prompted. However, there are minor instances where the connection between causes and effects could be more explicitly linked.
    • How to improve: To ensure coherence, each cause should be directly linked to its corresponding effect. Providing transitional sentences that explicitly connect these elements will reinforce the essay’s cohesion.

Suggestions for Improvement Overall:

  • Consider a more comprehensive exploration of the effects of childhood obesity beyond health and mental aspects, touching upon social and economic implications.
  • Strengthen the essay’s structure by explicitly outlining the stance in the introduction and creating stronger connections between causes and effects.
  • Utilize empirical evidence, statistics, or real-life examples to substantiate the points made, adding depth and credibility to the discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organization of information. It begins with an introduction that outlines the issue and the causes and effects to be discussed. The body paragraphs are structured with a logical flow, addressing causes and effects separately. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points. Transitions between sentences and paragraphs are generally smooth.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider providing a more explicit roadmap in the introduction, clearly stating the causes and effects to be discussed. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus on one main idea, and use transition words to guide the reader through the essay’s progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to organize ideas. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the topic, with a clear topic sentence. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately structured. However, there is room for improvement in the development of body paragraphs, with some points requiring more elaboration and depth.
    • How to improve: Strengthen body paragraphs by providing more detailed examples and explanations. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main point, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Consider expanding on the consequences of childhood obesity to provide a comprehensive analysis.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and pronouns, to connect ideas and create coherence. For example, phrases like "On the one hand" and "Regarding the influence" help guide the reader through different aspects of the topic. Pronouns like "this" and "these" are used to refer back to previously mentioned concepts.
    • How to improve: While cohesive devices are generally well-used, strive for more sophistication by incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. Additionally, pay attention to the consistency of pronoun usage to avoid any potential confusion. For instance, consider using more advanced transitions such as "Furthermore" or "Consequently" to elevate the essay’s coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 7. To enhance this further, focus on providing a more detailed roadmap in the introduction, strengthening the development of body paragraphs, and diversifying the range of cohesive devices for a more nuanced connection between ideas.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While there is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of word choices. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "young generations" could be replaced with synonyms or more specific terms to enhance lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To widen the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and more precise terms. Instead of frequently using "young generations," explore alternatives such as "youth," "adolescents," or "youngsters." This not only avoids redundancy but also showcases a broader vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary usage. For instance, the phrase "serious concern" is appropriately used, but there are instances of imprecise language, such as "preventatives." The term "preventatives" might be unclear and could be replaced with more specific language like "preservatives" or "additives" to enhance precision.
    • How to improve: Aim for more precision by carefully selecting words that accurately convey your intended meaning. Replace vague terms like "preventatives" with more specific and accurate vocabulary. This not only adds clarity to your ideas but also showcases a more sophisticated use of language.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout. However, there are a few instances where errors exist, such as "ration" instead of "ratio." Attention to such details is crucial for maintaining a professional standard.
    • How to improve: Pay meticulous attention to spelling, and consider proofreading the essay to catch and correct any errors. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools can be beneficial in identifying and rectifying spelling mistakes. Consistent practice in reviewing and revising written work will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, incorporating varied sentence lengths and some complexity. There’s a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, the essay tends to rely on a moderate level of complexity, lacking more sophisticated structures like conditional sentences, passive voice, or inversion.
    • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of structures, consider integrating more complex sentence forms. Incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If children engaged in more physical activities, their health might significantly improve") or passive voice (e.g., "Serious ailments can be caused by the regular consumption of ready-made food by youth") can elevate the sophistication level of the writing.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the grammar is proficient. However, there are minor instances where article usage could be improved ("the overconsumption of junk food" could benefit from "the excessive overconsumption of junk food"). Also, a few instances of awkward phrasing exist ("preventatives, sugar, and oils can invade their physical body" could be more fluid as "preservatives, sugar, and oils can affect their bodies").
    • How to improve: To refine grammatical accuracy, pay closer attention to article usage, especially when referring to specific instances or types of a concept. Reviewing phrasing for smoother expressions could further enhance the fluency of the essay.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: Punctuation usage is generally accurate, with proper placement of commas, periods, and semicolons. However, there are a few areas where commas could enhance clarity or where incorrect punctuation slightly disrupts the flow (e.g., "since technological advancements offer internet users a wide range of recreational sources such as games and movies, the youth tend to allocate an excessive amount of time at home").
    • How to improve: Focus on using commas more effectively to clarify the flow of ideas and separate clauses where necessary. For instance, consider using a comma after "movies" to delineate the clause more clearly. Practicing complex sentence structures and their appropriate punctuation could also refine overall punctuation skills.

By incorporating more varied sentence structures, refining minor grammatical nuances, and honing punctuation for clarity, the essay can progress toward a more nuanced and polished expression, potentially elevating the overall band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, there has been a growing public concern regarding the overall health of the younger population. It is evident that obesity is increasingly prevalent among today’s youth. This issue arises from multiple causes and brings about adverse effects on individuals, which will be discussed in this essay.

Childhood obesity is linked to several factors. The main reason is the sedentary lifestyles led by young individuals. Technological advancements provide a variety of indoor entertainment options, such as digital games and movies, leading the youth to spend excessive time at home, neglecting outdoor activities. Another contributing factor is the excessive consumption of unhealthy food among children. For instance, foods with high amounts of oils exceeding recommended levels can contribute to weight gain. Consequently, inactive lifestyles and poor diets are key contributors to early childhood obesity.

The impact of being overweight during childhood has several implications for children. Firstly, obese children are at a heightened risk of developing serious health conditions. Regular consumption of processed foods rich in preservatives, sugar, and oils can lead to conditions like diabetes and cardiovascular diseases. Moreover, overweight children may experience mental health issues. They are prone to social anxiety due to their physical differences from their peers, resulting in diminished self-confidence.

In conclusion, childhood obesity in many countries stems from sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy eating habits, posing both physical and mental disadvantages for the younger generation.

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