Childhood obisity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain some main effects and suggest some possible solutions

It is true that childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many nations. There are a number of reasons behind this problem and several viable solutions should be adopted to improve the situation.

There are two primary reasons why childhood obesity is on the rise in many counties. One of the main culprits of this is unhealthy eating habits. In the pressure life nowadays, fast foods and processed foods are the most convenient choice for many people, especially for children or parents who have busy schedules. With this unbalanced diet, energy will be provided immediately but there are no vitamins and minerals, leading to many potential health issues such as cardiovascular diseases, cancer, etc. Another leading cause of this problem is that children nowadays have a sedentary lifestyles. For example, children are addicted to social media or games and they spend almost their free time keeping their eyes glued to the screen to surfing the internet. As a consequence, they have no time for playing sports or doing outdoor activities, contributing to the high risk of chronic illness and weak stamina.

Fortunately, several measures could be taken to prevent this problem. First, parents can prefer healthy ingredients and prepare home – cooked foods for their child instead of choosing junk foods to create a balanced diet. Furthermore, it is necessary to encourage children do more exercise and play sports to avoid catching some diseases and strengthen their immune system.

In conclusion, there are various factors leading to childhood obesity and steps need to be taken to tackle this serious problem.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"It is true that" -> "It is evident that"
Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and assertive way to introduce a statement, enhancing the academic tone of the essay.
"childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem" -> "childhood obesity has become a significant issue"
Explanation: "has become a significant issue" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the ongoing nature of the problem and its severity.
"There are a number of reasons behind this problem" -> "Several factors contribute to this issue"
Explanation: "Several factors contribute to this issue" is more concise and academically appropriate, avoiding the vague "number of reasons" and using "contribute" which is more precise in an analytical context.
"in many counties" -> "in many countries"
Explanation: "countries" is the correct term, not "counties," which refers to administrative divisions within a country.
"One of the main culprits of this" -> "One of the primary causes of this"
Explanation: "primary causes" is more specific and academically appropriate than "main culprits," which can imply blame or fault, which is not suitable for an objective analysis.
"In the pressure life nowadays" -> "In today’s fast-paced life"
Explanation: "today’s fast-paced life" is a more accurate and formal way to describe the contemporary environment, replacing the awkward and incorrect "pressure life."
"fast foods and processed foods are the most convenient choice" -> "fast foods and processed foods are the most readily available options"
Explanation: "most readily available options" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the convenience in a more academic tone.
"With this unbalanced diet, energy will be provided immediately but there are no vitamins and minerals" -> "This unbalanced diet provides immediate energy but lacks essential vitamins and minerals"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence structure and uses more precise language, improving readability and formality.
"children nowadays have a sedentary lifestyles" -> "children today lead sedentary lifestyles"
Explanation: "lead sedentary lifestyles" is grammatically correct and more formal, replacing the awkward and incorrect "have a sedentary lifestyles."
"they have no time for playing sports or doing outdoor activities" -> "they have insufficient time for engaging in sports or outdoor activities"
Explanation: "insufficient time for engaging in" is more formal and precise, avoiding the casual "no time for playing."
"to surfing the internet" -> "to surf the internet"
Explanation: "to surf the internet" is the correct idiomatic expression, and "surfing" is a commonly accepted verb form in this context.
"do more exercise and play sports" -> "engage in more physical activity and sports"
Explanation: "engage in more physical activity and sports" is more formal and inclusive, encompassing a broader range of activities beyond just exercise and sports.
"to avoid catching some diseases" -> "to prevent contracting diseases"
Explanation: "to prevent contracting diseases" is more precise and formal, replacing the colloquial "catching some diseases."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the main effects of childhood obesity (implied through health issues) and suggesting possible solutions (healthy eating and increased exercise). However, the effects are not explicitly detailed, which could leave the reader wanting more depth. For instance, while the essay mentions "potential health issues such as cardiovascular diseases, cancer," it does not elaborate on how these conditions specifically affect children or society at large.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly outline the effects of childhood obesity, such as its impact on physical health, psychological well-being, and social interactions. Providing specific examples or statistics could strengthen this section. Additionally, ensuring that solutions are clearly linked to the problems identified would create a more cohesive argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that childhood obesity is a serious problem and that solutions are necessary. However, the position could be more assertively stated in the introduction and conclusion to reinforce the urgency of the issue. The phrase "several viable solutions should be adopted" is somewhat passive and could be made more compelling.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to articulate a stronger stance in the introduction and conclusion. Phrases like "It is imperative that we…" or "Immediate action is required to…" could convey a sense of urgency and commitment to the topic. Additionally, reiterating the main points throughout the essay can help maintain a consistent position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the causes of childhood obesity and offers solutions, but the development of these ideas lacks depth. For example, while the essay mentions "unhealthy eating habits" and "sedentary lifestyles," it does not explore the implications of these behaviors in detail. The solutions provided are also somewhat general and could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to extend their ideas by providing more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, discussing specific healthy foods that could replace junk food or detailing types of exercises that children could engage in would enhance the support for their arguments. Including data or studies that highlight the effectiveness of these solutions could also strengthen the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on childhood obesity and its causes and solutions. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper, particularly in the discussion of effects. The mention of "chronic illness and weak stamina" is relevant but could be more directly tied back to the main topic of childhood obesity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to childhood obesity. This can be achieved by consistently linking causes and solutions back to the central issue. Additionally, using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can help guide the reader and reinforce the main topic throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, and cohesion. By addressing these areas, the writer can elevate their score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the issue of childhood obesity and its significance. The body paragraphs are well-organized, with the first paragraph dedicated to discussing the causes of childhood obesity and the second to potential solutions. The logical progression from causes to solutions enhances understanding. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from discussing causes to solutions feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider adding a transitional sentence at the end of the first paragraph that hints at the forthcoming solutions. For example, you could say, "To combat these alarming trends, it is essential to implement effective strategies." This would create a more cohesive link between the two sections.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a clear focus: the first on causes and the second on solutions. However, the second paragraph could benefit from further development, as it currently presents only two solutions without elaborating on their implementation or potential effectiveness.
- How to improve: Expand the second paragraph by providing more detailed explanations of the suggested solutions. For instance, you could discuss how parents can be educated about healthy cooking or how schools can incorporate more physical activities into their curricula. This would not only strengthen the paragraph but also provide a more comprehensive view of the solutions.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices effectively, such as "first," "furthermore," and "in conclusion," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "as a consequence" is used, but additional linking phrases could enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of connectors and transitional phrases. For example, you could use "Moreover" to introduce additional solutions or "Consequently" to link causes to their effects more explicitly. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can help reduce repetition and improve cohesion.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with a clear structure and logical organization. By focusing on smoother transitions, expanding on solutions, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of clarity and effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "obesity," "culprits," "unhealthy eating habits," and "sedentary lifestyles" effectively conveying the main ideas. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "serious problem" and "many nations," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. For instance, instead of repeating "serious problem," synonyms like "critical issue" or "significant concern" could be employed.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer should actively seek synonyms and alternative phrases. Keeping a thesaurus handy while writing can help identify different ways to express similar ideas. Additionally, incorporating more descriptive adjectives and adverbs could add depth to the writing. For example, instead of "fast foods," one might use "high-calorie fast foods" to provide more specificity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "keeping their eyes glued to the screen to surfing the internet" contains a grammatical error and awkward phrasing. The correct form should be "to surf the internet." Additionally, "energy will be provided immediately" could be more accurately expressed as "energy is quickly available," which conveys the intended meaning more clearly.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and clarity in phrasing. Reading sentences aloud can help identify awkward constructions. Furthermore, the use of specific terms related to health and nutrition, such as "nutrient deficiencies" instead of just "no vitamins and minerals," would improve the precision of the vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "counties" instead of "countries" and "child" instead of "children" in the phrase "for their child." These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally reading it multiple times. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Additionally, writing practice that focuses on spelling can help reinforce correct forms, especially for commonly confused words.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will enhance the overall quality and clarity of the writing. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises and consistent proofreading will be key strategies for achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "One of the main culprits of this is unhealthy eating habits" showcases a clear and effective structure. Additionally, the sentence "Another leading cause of this problem is that children nowadays have a sedentary lifestyles" employs a dependent clause effectively. However, there are instances where sentence variety could be enhanced, such as the repetitive use of "is" and "are" at the beginning of sentences, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that combine ideas. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "There are," try rephrasing to combine ideas: "In addition to unhealthy eating habits, the rise in sedentary lifestyles among children contributes significantly to the obesity epidemic." This not only varies the structure but also improves the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "the pressure life nowadays" should be corrected to "the pressured life nowadays." Additionally, the phrase "sedentary lifestyles" is incorrectly pluralized in "a sedentary lifestyles." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are some areas where clarity could be improved, such as the use of commas. For example, "parents can prefer healthy ingredients and prepare home – cooked foods for their child" should not have spaces around the hyphen, and a comma could be added before "and prepare" to clarify the two actions.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading for common errors, especially with subject-verb agreement and article usage. Additionally, consider using punctuation to clarify complex ideas. For instance, breaking up longer sentences with commas can help improve readability. Practicing with grammar exercises focusing on common pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement and punctuation rules, will also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. There are a number of reasons behind this issue, and several viable solutions should be adopted to improve the situation.

There are two primary reasons why childhood obesity is on the rise in many countries. One of the main culprits of this is unhealthy eating habits. In today’s fast-paced life, fast foods and processed foods are the most convenient choices for many people, especially for children or parents who have busy schedules. With this unbalanced diet, energy is provided immediately, but there are no essential vitamins and minerals, leading to many potential health issues such as cardiovascular diseases and cancer. Another leading cause of this problem is that children nowadays lead sedentary lifestyles. For example, children are addicted to social media or games, and they spend almost all their free time keeping their eyes glued to the screen while surfing the internet. As a consequence, they have no time for playing sports or engaging in outdoor activities, contributing to the high risk of chronic illness and weak stamina.

Fortunately, several measures could be taken to prevent this problem. First, parents can choose healthy ingredients and prepare home-cooked meals for their children instead of opting for junk food to create a balanced diet. Furthermore, it is necessary to encourage children to do more exercise and play sports to avoid diseases and strengthen their immune systems.

In conclusion, there are various factors leading to childhood obesity, and steps need to be taken to tackle this serious problem.