Children are now watching more television than they have ever done before. What are some of the negative effects of children watching a lot of television? Do you think young children should be allowed to watch television?
Children are now watching more television than they have ever done before.
What are some of the negative effects of children watching a lot of television? Do you think young children should be allowed to watch television?
With the innovation of technology, television now has been more popular and functional than ever. People, especially children who usually have a lot of free time, are negatively relying on television as a kind of recreation. Although there are several consequences posed by this phenomenon, I believe that children should not be prohibited from watching television.
On one hand, that children spending too much time on watching television can have several adverse effects. Chief among those is causing eyes problems for most people such as myopic or sore eyes. As children's eyes have not fully developed, high energy visible coming from television can significantly harm them. There are numerous adolescents have to wear glasses; or else, they will not be able to see things thoroughly. In addition, a huge number of perilous contents are uncontrollably posted on Youtube, an online platform which can be easily accessed to by smart television. Families can not always keep their eyes on because they do not have as much free time as their kids do. Therefore, children can learn bad things from those contents, such as violence, deviant thinking and behaviors or even self-harm.
Nevertheless, young children, still, should be allowed to watch television. Firstly, television can meet their need of entertainment after hours of studying. Those who learn without relaxation tend to have severe mentally breakdown. They will possibly suffer from intense pressure or even depression. Secondly, television is also provide educational sources to help kids get higher performance. Students are now getting more familiar with online courses due to the lockdown of COVID-19.
In conclusion, children spending too much time on watching television can be negatively effected both physically and mentally. However, they should not be banned on watching television to fill the needs of entertainment as well as education. Parents should give them a right amount of time to watch television instead of strictly ban them.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"now has been" -> "has become"
Explanation: "Now has been" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. "Has become" is a more concise and formal alternative that better communicates the idea of a change occurring over time. -
"negatively relying on" -> "overly dependent on"
Explanation: "Negatively relying on" is slightly awkward and lacks precision. "Overly dependent on" conveys the idea more clearly and maintains formality. -
"children should not be prohibited from" -> "children should not be denied"
Explanation: "Prohibited from" is a bit informal in this context. "Denied" is a more appropriate term that aligns better with academic style. -
"Chief among those is causing eyes problems for most people such as myopic or sore eyes." -> "Foremost among these is the development of eye problems, such as myopia or eye strain."
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and precision. The suggested revision clarifies the main issue (eye problems) and introduces specific examples in a more structured manner. -
"As children’s eyes have not fully developed" -> "Given that children’s eyes are still developing"
Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains formality while presenting the same idea in a clearer and more concise manner. -
"high energy visible coming from television" -> "exposure to high-energy visible light from television"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and proper terminology. The suggested revision provides a more precise description using appropriate vocabulary. -
"numerous adolescents have to wear glasses" -> "many adolescents require corrective eyewear"
Explanation: "Numerous" is somewhat informal, and "have to wear glasses" is slightly simplistic. The suggested alternative is more formal and precise. -
"perilous contents are uncontrollably posted" -> "harmful content is indiscriminately posted"
Explanation: "Perilous" is somewhat dramatic and informal. "Indiscriminately posted" maintains formality while accurately describing the situation. -
"Families can not always keep their eyes on" -> "Families cannot always monitor"
Explanation: "Keep their eyes on" is idiomatic and informal. "Monitor" is a more formal and suitable alternative. -
"those contents" -> "such content"
Explanation: "Those contents" is slightly awkward. "Such content" is a more concise and formal alternative. -
"Nevertheless, young children, still, should be allowed to watch television." -> "Nevertheless, young children should still be permitted to watch television."
Explanation: The original phrase is redundant and lacks formality. The suggested revision maintains clarity and eliminates redundancy. -
"meet their need of entertainment" -> "fulfill their entertainment needs"
Explanation: "Meet their need of entertainment" is grammatically incorrect. "Fulfill their entertainment needs" is a more precise and formal expression. -
"Those who learn without relaxation tend to have severe mentally breakdown." -> "Individuals who study without relaxation are prone to experiencing severe mental breakdowns."
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and proper structure. The suggested revision is more formal and conveys the idea more effectively. -
"They will possibly suffer from intense pressure or even depression." -> "They may experience intense pressure or even depression."
Explanation: "Will possibly suffer" is slightly informal and redundant. "May experience" is a more formal and concise alternative. -
"television is also provide educational sources" -> "television also provides educational resources"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks proper syntax. The suggested revision corrects the grammar while maintaining formality. -
"Students are now getting more familiar with online courses due to the lockdown of COVID-19." -> "Students are becoming increasingly accustomed to online courses due to the COVID-19 lockdown."
Explanation: The original phrase is slightly informal and lacks precision. The suggested revision improves clarity and maintains formality. -
"children spending too much time on watching television can be negatively effected" -> "children spending excessive time watching television can be adversely affected"
Explanation: "Negatively effected" is grammatically incorrect. "Adversely affected" is a more precise and formal alternative. -
"Parents should give them a right amount of time to watch television instead of strictly ban them." -> "Parents should allocate an appropriate amount of time for television viewing rather than imposing strict bans."
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and proper syntax. The suggested revision improves precision and maintains formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
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Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt. It discusses the negative effects of children watching television and provides a clear stance on whether young children should be allowed to watch television.
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Regarding the negative effects, the essay mentions physical consequences such as eye problems and highlights the accessibility of inappropriate content on platforms like YouTube. It also touches upon the impact of excessive television viewing on mental health.
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In terms of whether young children should be allowed to watch television, the essay argues in favor of allowing them to watch, emphasizing the need for entertainment and the educational value of television.
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How to improve: While the essay addresses both parts of the prompt, the depth of analysis could be enhanced. Providing more specific examples or statistics related to the negative effects of television on children’s health and behavior would strengthen the argument. Additionally, expanding on the educational benefits of television with concrete examples could further support the stance.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
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Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position throughout, advocating for children not to be prohibited from watching television. This stance is evident from the thesis statement to the conclusion.
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The essay presents arguments in support of allowing children to watch television, focusing on the importance of relaxation, entertainment, and education.
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How to improve: While the position is clear, enhancing the coherence of the arguments could strengthen the overall clarity. Organizing the points in a more structured manner and providing smoother transitions between ideas would help readers follow the argument more effectively.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
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Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the negative effects of television and the reasons why children should be allowed to watch it. However, the development and support of these ideas could be more robust.
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While the negative effects are mentioned, they could be further elaborated with additional details or examples to strengthen the argument.
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Similarly, while the essay discusses the benefits of television, such as entertainment and education, providing specific examples or studies to support these claims would add credibility to the argument.
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How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, consider incorporating relevant research findings, real-life examples, or anecdotes. This would not only enrich the content but also make the arguments more persuasive and convincing.
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Stay on Topic:
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Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the negative effects of children watching television and whether they should be allowed to do so. However, there are some instances where the discussion could be more focused.
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For example, while discussing the negative effects of television, the essay briefly mentions the lockdown of COVID-19 and its impact on online learning, which is somewhat tangential to the main topic.
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Additionally, the discussion on the benefits of television could be more tightly linked to the prompt by providing specific examples related to children’s viewing habits.
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How to improve: To maintain better focus, ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. Avoid tangential discussions or irrelevant details that do not contribute to the main argument. Stay concise and relevant to maximize the impact of the essay.
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Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization, with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction sets up the discussion by acknowledging the prevalence of television watching among children and the ensuing debate. Body paragraphs follow a coherent structure, presenting negative effects of excessive TV watching in the first paragraph and arguments for allowing children to watch TV in the second. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without introducing new information.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Consider using topic sentences to clearly signal the focus of each paragraph. Additionally, develop a more nuanced discussion by addressing potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives within each paragraph.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, each containing a clear topic or argument. The first paragraph introduces the negative effects of excessive television watching, while the second paragraph presents arguments in favor of allowing children to watch TV. Each paragraph maintains focus on its respective topic and contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, consider providing more elaboration and supporting evidence for each argument. Develop each point with specific examples or statistics to strengthen the persuasiveness of the essay. Additionally, ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs to maintain the flow of ideas.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence. Transition words and phrases such as "although," "nevertheless," "firstly," and "secondly" are used to indicate relationships between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pronouns and demonstratives are used effectively to refer back to previously mentioned concepts.
- How to improve: To enhance cohesion, consider integrating cohesive devices more seamlessly within sentences and paragraphs. Vary the use of transition words and phrases to avoid repetition and maintain reader engagement. Additionally, ensure consistency in referencing concepts throughout the essay to prevent confusion and strengthen coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, encompassing terms such as "innovation," "recreation," "phenomenon," "perilous," "deviant," and "strictly." These words contribute to a fairly varied lexical resource, albeit with some repetition (e.g., "television" is frequently reiterated).
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider integrating more diverse synonyms or phrases where repetition occurs. For instance, instead of repetitively using "television," variations like "TV programs," "media consumption," or "audiovisual content" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating specialized vocabulary related to the topic, such as "digital media literacy" or "screen time guidelines," can elevate the essay’s sophistication.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with moderate precision, effectively conveying ideas. For example, the mention of "sore eyes" and "myopic" accurately describes the potential physical consequences of excessive television viewing. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise or contextually appropriate. For instance, phrases like "high energy visible coming from television" could be clarified with terms like "blue light emissions," enhancing specificity.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision by selecting vocabulary that precisely encapsulates intended meanings. Utilize domain-specific terminology where applicable, ensuring alignment with the essay’s subject matter. Additionally, consider refining language choices to convey nuances more accurately, thereby enhancing the overall clarity and impact of the argument.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained throughout the essay, with no glaring errors observed. However, there are a few minor issues, such as "affected" being incorrectly written as "effected" in the phrase "can be negatively effected both physically and mentally."
- How to improve: To further improve spelling accuracy, proofreading attentively and employing tools like spell-checkers can be beneficial. Additionally, cultivating a habit of revising written work meticulously before submission can help identify and rectify any spelling errors or typos, ensuring a polished final product.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
- Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and sophistication. Simple sentences dominate the essay, with occasional instances of compound and complex structures. For instance, "Television can meet their need of entertainment after hours of studying" is a simple sentence, while "Although there are several consequences posed by this phenomenon, I believe that children should not be prohibited from watching television" exhibits a compound structure. More complex structures such as conditional sentences or relative clauses would enhance the essay’s coherence and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and effectiveness of the essay, try incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Introduce complex sentences with subordinate clauses or compound-complex sentences to express ideas more elaborately. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences like "Children spending too much time on watching television can be negatively affected both physically and mentally," consider restructuring it to include a subordinate clause: "Given the excessive time spent watching television, children can suffer both physical and mental repercussions." Additionally, experiment with rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion to add flair and coherence to your writing.
- Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally accurate grammar and punctuation usage, although there are some notable errors present. For instance, there are instances of subject-verb agreement issues ("there are several consequences posed by this phenomenon" should be "there is" for subject-verb agreement) and punctuation errors such as missing commas in compound sentences ("Television can meet their need of entertainment after hours of studying"). Furthermore, there are occasional errors in word choice and phrasing that affect clarity and precision.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, consider revising sentences to ensure subject-verb agreement and proper punctuation placement. Proofreading your essay carefully can help identify and correct errors in grammar, punctuation, and word choice. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to address any recurring issues. Focus on clarity and precision in your writing by selecting appropriate vocabulary and phrasing to convey your ideas effectively.
Bài sửa mẫu
With the advancement of technology, television has become increasingly popular and functional. People, especially children who often have ample free time, are relying on television as a form of recreation. While there are several negative consequences associated with this trend, I believe that children should not be denied access to television.
Foremost among these negative effects is the development of eye problems, such as myopia or eye strain. Given that children’s eyes are still developing, exposure to high-energy visible light from television can be particularly harmful. Many adolescents require corrective eyewear as a result. Additionally, harmful content is indiscriminately posted on platforms like YouTube, which can be easily accessed through smart televisions. Families cannot always monitor such content, as they may not have as much free time as their children. Consequently, children may be exposed to inappropriate content, including violence, deviant thinking, and self-harm.
Nevertheless, young children should still be permitted to watch television. Firstly, television can fulfill their entertainment needs after hours of studying. Individuals who study without relaxation are prone to experiencing severe mental breakdowns. They may experience intense pressure or even depression. Secondly, television also provides educational resources to help children perform better academically. Students are becoming increasingly accustomed to online courses due to the COVID-19 lockdown.
In conclusion, children spending excessive time watching television can be adversely affected both physically and mentally. However, they should not be denied access to television for entertainment and educational purposes. Parents should allocate an appropriate amount of time for television viewing rather than imposing strict bans.
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