Children become overweight and unhealthy. Some people believe that it is the responsibility of the government to solve the problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Opinions are divided on whether authorities should be to blame for the fact that children are becoming more obese and unhealthy. Although I acknowledge the role of governments, I strongly believe that nobody can play a more crucial role in children’s life choices than their parents.

The supporters of the statement may argue that this issue should require a collective effort to tackle. Governments can use their authority to promote physical activity and healthy eating habits by implementing policies such as school meal guidelines, health-promoting competitions, and public awareness campaigns. To illustrate further, in some nations, especially those with a high rate of obesity in children, governments have introduced these kinds of laws to require schools to provide students with nutritious meals and set a limitation on sugary food as well as junk food at school. Moreover, more small-scale sports competitions are organized than in the past, encouraging students to follow a healthy lifestyle rather than a sedentary one. Such measures can help create a healthy environment for children and inspire them to adopt healthier habits.

Nevertheless, I fervently agree that the key to this issue lies in the responsibility of parents in their offspring’s life choices. It is undeniable that parents outrip the authorities in terms of the level of control over their children’s lifestyle choices, consequently, parents can take more immediate and effective measures to encourage their offspring to live healthier. For instance, by limiting children’s screen time, providing them with nutritious meals, and instilling children in the damaging impacts of a sedentary lifestyle, parents can gradually prevent children from obesity and health-related problems. Because of those mentioned points, parents are the ones who can put a great impact on their children’s health

To sum up, while it is understandable why some argue that the authorities should be held accountable for the increasing obesity rate and health-related problems in children, I view that parents should take more responsibility for every single choice of their offspring due to their ability to take action most suitably and rapidly.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"should be to blame for" -> "should be held accountable for"
Explanation: "Should be held accountable for" is a more formal and precise expression, suitable for academic writing, whereas "to blame for" can imply a negative connotation that may not be intended in this context.
"nobody can play a more crucial role" -> "no one can play a more pivotal role"
Explanation: "Pivotal" is a more precise term than "crucial" in this context, emphasizing the importance of the role in a more formal and academic tone.
"children’s life choices" -> "children’s life choices"
Explanation: The possessive form "children’s" is grammatically correct and more formal than the non-possessive "child’s."
"require a collective effort to tackle" -> "demand a collective effort to address"
Explanation: "Demand" is a stronger, more formal verb than "require," and "address" is a more precise term than "tackle" in this context, fitting better with the formal tone of academic writing.
"health-promoting competitions" -> "health-promoting initiatives"
Explanation: "Initiatives" is a more formal and encompassing term than "competitions," which might be too specific and narrow for the broader context of promoting health.
"set a limitation on sugary food as well as junk food" -> "regulate the availability of sugary and junk foods"
Explanation: "Regulate the availability" is a more precise and formal way to describe the control over food types, enhancing the academic tone.
"more small-scale sports competitions" -> "more frequent and smaller-scale sports competitions"
Explanation: "More frequent and smaller-scale" provides a clearer and more precise description of the nature of the competitions, improving the academic quality of the statement.
"fervently agree" -> "strongly agree"
Explanation: "Fervently" is an emotional term that may not be suitable for academic writing; "strongly" is a more neutral and appropriate choice.
"outrip" -> "outstrip"
Explanation: "Outstrip" is the correct verb form, meaning to surpass or exceed, whereas "outrip" is not a standard word.
"take more immediate and effective measures" -> "implement more immediate and effective measures"
Explanation: "Implement" is a more formal and precise verb than "take" in this context, fitting better with the formal tone of the essay.
"instilling children in the damaging impacts" -> "instilling in children the damaging impacts"
Explanation: The correct phrase should be "instilling in children the damaging impacts," as "instilling" is a transitive verb that requires an object, which is "the damaging impacts."
"put a great impact on their children’s health" -> "have a significant impact on their children’s health"
Explanation: "Have a significant impact" is grammatically correct and more formal than "put a great impact," which is awkward and incorrect.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the role of the government and the responsibility of parents in combating childhood obesity. The introduction clearly outlines the writer’s stance, stating that while the government has a role, parents are ultimately more crucial. The body paragraphs provide balanced arguments, presenting the government’s potential actions and contrasting them with the more immediate influence of parents. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the government’s responsibility, as the prompt asks for this specific evaluation.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explicitly state the extent of their agreement or disagreement with the government’s role in the introduction and conclusion. This could involve quantifying their stance (e.g., "I agree to a certain extent that the government has a role, but…") to clarify their position further.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently emphasizing the importance of parental responsibility. The transition between discussing government actions and parental roles is smooth, and the writer’s belief in the primacy of parental influence is evident. However, the essay could be strengthened by more explicitly linking back to the main argument in each paragraph, reinforcing the writer’s position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should include a sentence at the end of each body paragraph that ties back to their main argument. For instance, after discussing government initiatives, a concluding sentence could reiterate that while these measures are beneficial, they cannot replace parental influence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-structured ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The examples provided, such as government policies on school meals and parental control over screen time, effectively support the claims made. However, the essay could benefit from deeper exploration of the implications of these ideas, particularly in terms of how parents can implement changes and the potential challenges they face.
- How to improve: To enhance the depth of the argument, the writer could include more specific examples or case studies that illustrate successful parental strategies or government initiatives. Additionally, discussing potential barriers that parents might encounter in promoting healthy habits could provide a more nuanced view of the issue.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of childhood obesity and the roles of government and parents throughout. There are no significant deviations from the main subject, and the arguments made are relevant to the prompt. However, the conclusion could be more impactful by summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs succinctly.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and enhance the conclusion, the writer should briefly restate the main arguments presented in the body paragraphs. This would reinforce the essay’s central message and provide a stronger closure to the discussion. A concise summary of the key points would also help to remind the reader of the main arguments before concluding.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the differing perspectives on the issue. Each paragraph logically follows the previous one, with the first paragraph discussing the role of the government and the second focusing on parental responsibility. For example, the transition from discussing government initiatives to parental influence is smooth, maintaining a coherent flow of ideas. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer’s stance, reinforcing the overall argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer could benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. This would help to explicitly signal to the reader what each section will discuss. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases between points within paragraphs could further clarify the relationships between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the debate, while the second provides supporting details for the government’s role, and the third emphasizes parental responsibility. This clear separation aids in readability and comprehension.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, the writer could improve by ensuring that each paragraph contains a clear concluding sentence that ties back to the main argument. This would reinforce the connection between the evidence presented and the overall thesis. For instance, the second paragraph could end with a sentence that explicitly states how government actions support the argument for collective responsibility.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "although," "moreover," and "to illustrate further," which help to connect ideas and provide clarity. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the text, allowing the reader to follow the argument without confusion. The use of examples, such as specific government policies and parental actions, also aids in creating cohesion within the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate more varied linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of the essay. For example, using phrases like "on the other hand," "in contrast," or "consequently" could provide additional clarity when presenting opposing viewpoints or drawing conclusions. Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are used appropriately and not excessively will help maintain a natural flow in the writing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can elevate their essay to an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of childhood obesity and the roles of government and parents. Phrases like "collective effort," "health-promoting competitions," and "nutritious meals" showcase an ability to use topic-specific vocabulary effectively. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "parents" and "children" could be substituted with synonyms such as "guardians," "caregivers," "youth," or "offspring" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms during the drafting process. Using a thesaurus can help identify alternative expressions that maintain the original meaning but add variety to the text.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are some instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "outrip the authorities" is awkward and unclear; a more precise term like "surpass" or "exceed" would convey the intended meaning more effectively. Additionally, the phrase "instilling children in the damaging impacts" is incorrect; "instilling" is typically used with values or beliefs, not impacts. A better choice might be "educating children about the damaging impacts."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. Reading widely and paying attention to how vocabulary is employed in various contexts can help in developing a more nuanced understanding of word usage. Furthermore, revising sentences for clarity and coherence can prevent awkward phrasing.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with no glaring errors that would impede understanding. Words like "nutritious," "obesity," and "responsibility" are spelled correctly, which reflects a good command of basic vocabulary. However, the phrase "outrip the authorities" might suggest a typographical error or a misunderstanding of the intended word.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch any errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Regular practice with spelling exercises can further reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, achieving a Band 7 due to its effective use of vocabulary, though there is room for improvement in variety, precision, and spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like "Although I acknowledge the role of governments, I strongly believe that nobody can play a more crucial role in children’s life choices than their parents" effectively combine contrasting ideas. Additionally, the use of relative clauses, as seen in "governments have introduced these kinds of laws to require schools to provide students with nutritious meals," showcases a good command of grammatical structures. However, there are moments where the sentence structures could be more varied; for example, the essay relies heavily on compound and complex sentences without sufficient use of simple sentences for emphasis or clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more simple sentences to create emphasis and clarity. For example, after a complex idea, a simple sentence can reinforce the point, such as "This is crucial." Additionally, using different sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial phrases) can add variety. For instance, instead of starting several sentences with "Governments can…" or "Parents can…", try varying the subject or using introductory phrases like "In addition," or "Furthermore," to create a more engaging flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, the phrase "parents outrip the authorities" is slightly awkward; "outrank" or "outweigh" might be more appropriate. Additionally, the sentence "Because of those mentioned points, parents are the ones who can put a great impact on their children’s health" could be improved for clarity; "put a great impact" is not idiomatic; "have a significant impact" would be a better choice. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "consequently" in the sentence discussing parental control.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on refining word choice and idiomatic expressions. Reading widely can help familiarize you with more natural phrasing. Additionally, review punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. Practicing sentence combining and breaking down complex ideas into clearer, more straightforward sentences can also help in maintaining clarity and correctness.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical choices will further elevate the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Opinions are divided on whether authorities should be to blame for the fact that children are becoming more obese and unhealthy. Although I acknowledge the role of governments, I strongly believe that no one can play a more pivotal role in children’s life choices than their parents.

Supporters of this statement may argue that this issue should demand a collective effort to address. Governments can use their authority to promote physical activity and healthy eating habits by implementing policies such as school meal guidelines, health-promoting competitions, and public awareness campaigns. To illustrate further, in some nations, especially those with a high rate of obesity in children, governments have introduced these kinds of laws to require schools to provide students with nutritious meals and to regulate the availability of sugary foods as well as junk food at school. Moreover, more frequent and smaller-scale sports competitions are organized than in the past, encouraging students to follow a healthy lifestyle rather than a sedentary one. Such measures can help create a healthy environment for children and inspire them to adopt healthier habits.

Nevertheless, I fervently agree that the key to this issue lies in the responsibility of parents regarding their offspring’s life choices. It is undeniable that parents outstrip the authorities in terms of the level of control over their children’s lifestyle choices; consequently, parents can take more immediate and effective measures to encourage their offspring to live healthier. For instance, by limiting children’s screen time, providing them with nutritious meals, and instilling in children the damaging impacts of a sedentary lifestyle, parents can gradually prevent children from obesity and health-related problems. Because of these mentioned points, parents are the ones who can have a significant impact on their children’s health.

To sum up, while it is understandable why some argue that the authorities should be held accountable for the increasing obesity rate and health-related problems in children, I believe that parents should take more responsibility for every single choice of their offspring due to their ability to take action most suitably and rapidly.