Children nowadays are spending too much time playing video games and very little time playing sports. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or negative development?

It seems that in today's digital age, playing video games is dominantly occupying children's time compared to playing sports. This can be attributed to several factors and certainly affects their process of development. This essay will examine the issue.
There are several reasons that contribute to the trend of young people playing video games more than engaging in sports but the popular factor is the habit of using electronic devices from early age. First, today's young generation has grown up with smartphones, laptops, tablets, etc. as an inevitable part of their lives. Therefore, they are more comfortable and interested in using technology to entertain themselves. Additionally, video games bring them a sense of convenience that sports can't provide. For example, they can play video games anytime, anywhere with just a device and wifi, without having to travel to a sports facility.
Doing anything certainly too much isn’t good so this is too even affects negative children's social development. Overplaying video games instead of playing sports can lead to isolation from real-world interactions. For example, they feel uncomfortable and anxious whenever they have to interact in person. Moreover, kids’ age is the perfect period to learn and exercise their bodies so excessive gaming can affect their health both physically and mentally.
To sum up, I hold the view that exposure to electronic devices from a young age contributes greatly to this trend even if its benefits outweigh its drawbacks. Therefore, kids should spend more time playing sports than playing games.

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Errors and Improvements:

"dominantly occupying" -> "predominantly occupying"
Explanation: "Dominantly" is less formal than "predominantly," which is a more suitable term for academic writing, maintaining clarity and professionalism.
"This can be attributed to several factors" -> "This can be attributed to various factors"
Explanation: "Several" is somewhat vague; "various" offers a more precise and academic alternative, indicating a broader range of factors.
"young people" -> "adolescents" or "youth"
Explanation: "Young people" is a bit informal for academic writing. "Adolescents" or "youth" are more formal alternatives.
"habit of using electronic devices" -> "habit of utilizing electronic devices"
Explanation: "Using" can be replaced with "utilizing" to add formality without sacrificing clarity.
"smartphones, laptops, tablets, etc." -> "smartphones, laptops, tablets, and other electronic devices"
Explanation: Using "etc." is informal in academic writing; it’s better to specify "other electronic devices" for clarity.
"interested in using technology to entertain themselves" -> "interested in utilizing technology for entertainment"
Explanation: "Using" can be replaced with "utilizing" for a more formal tone.
"video games bring them a sense of convenience" -> "video games afford them a sense of convenience"
Explanation: "Bring" can be replaced with "afford" for a more sophisticated vocabulary choice.
"For example" -> "For instance"
Explanation: "For example" is slightly more informal than "For instance," which is commonly used in academic writing.
"Doing anything certainly too much isn’t good" -> "Excessive indulgence in any activity is detrimental"
Explanation: The original phrase is informal and lacks precision. "Excessive indulgence" is more formal and precise.
"even affects negative children’s social development" -> "negatively impacts children’s social development"
Explanation: "Even affects negative" is awkward phrasing. "Negatively impacts" is a more direct and formal expression.
"Overplaying video games instead of playing sports" -> "Excessive video game play at the expense of sports participation"
Explanation: "Overplaying video games" is informal. "Excessive video game play" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"they feel uncomfortable and anxious whenever they have to interact in person" -> "they experience discomfort and anxiety in face-to-face interactions"
Explanation: This revision maintains clarity while using more formal language.
"kids’ age" -> "children’s developmental stage"
Explanation: "Kids’ age" is informal; "children’s developmental stage" is more formal and precise.
"To sum up" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "To sum up" is slightly informal. "In conclusion" is a more formal and appropriate phrase for academic writing.
"I hold the view that" -> "I maintain that" or "I argue that"
Explanation: "I hold the view that" is less formal. "I maintain that" or "I argue that" are more formal alternatives commonly used in academic writing.
"even if its benefits outweigh its drawbacks" -> "despite the fact that its benefits may outweigh its drawbacks"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks formality and precision. The suggested alternative adds clarity and maintains academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the question by discussing why children spend more time playing video games than engaging in sports and evaluating whether this is a positive or negative development.
- How to improve: To enhance task response, the essay could provide more specific examples or data to support the reasons given for why children prefer video games over sports.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that playing sports is preferable to playing video games due to the potential negative impacts of excessive gaming.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the writer could explicitly state their position in the introduction and conclusion and reinforce it throughout the body paragraphs with supporting arguments and evidence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the reasons for the trend and its potential negative effects on social development and health. However, some ideas lack elaboration or specific examples.
- How to improve: To extend ideas, the writer should provide more detailed explanations, examples, or statistics to support each point made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing why children prefer video games over sports and the implications of this trend.
- How to improve: To improve coherence, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main topic and avoid introducing tangential ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of task response, maintaining a clear stance and presenting relevant ideas. To improve, the writer should focus on providing more specific examples, extending ideas with elaboration and support, and ensuring that all content directly relates to the essay prompt without veering off-topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that sets up the topic, followed by body paragraphs that present reasons for the phenomenon and its implications, and concludes with a summary of the author’s viewpoint. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, addressing the reasons why children are spending more time on video games and the potential negative consequences.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next, maintaining a clear progression of ideas. Consider providing more transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through the essay’s structure and strengthen coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, which helps to structure the content and distinguish between different ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as reasons for the trend or its consequences.
- How to improve: While the essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, there are areas where paragraphing could be improved for better clarity and coherence. For instance, consider breaking down longer paragraphs into shorter ones to avoid overwhelming the reader with dense text. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence. Examples include transition words like "first," "moreover," and "to sum up," which help to guide the reader through the essay’s structure. Additionally, pronouns like "this" and "they" are used to refer back to previously mentioned concepts.
- How to improve: While the essay uses cohesive devices effectively, there is room for improvement in diversifying the range of these devices. Try incorporating a broader array of transitional phrases and connectors to further strengthen coherence and create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensure that pronouns are used consistently and unambiguously to avoid confusion for the reader.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, including terms like "dominantly," "attribute," "inevitable," "convenience," "isolation," and "outweigh." However, some repetition is present, such as "playing video games" and "playing sports," which could be diversified for a richer lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "playing video games," you could use "gaming" or "digital entertainment." Similarly, instead of repeating "playing sports," try using "participating in physical activities" or "engaging in sports."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of precision in vocabulary use. For instance, terms like "isolation" and "convenience" are appropriately used. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "they can play video games anytime, anywhere" could be enhanced with a more specific term for "anytime" and "anywhere," such as "24/7" or "regardless of location."
- How to improve: Aim for more specific and nuanced vocabulary choices. Consider using words that convey your meaning more precisely. For example, instead of "whenever they have to interact in person," you could use "during face-to-face interactions," which is more specific.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no major errors observed.
- How to improve: Continue practicing good spelling habits and consider using spell-check tools to catch any minor errors.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonably wide range of vocabulary, with some room for improvement in terms of precision and variety. Focus on using more diverse and specific vocabulary to enhance the overall lexical resource of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mixture of simple and complex structures throughout the essay. For instance, simple sentences such as "This essay will examine the issue" coexist with more complex structures like "First, today’s young generation has grown up with smartphones, laptops, tablets, etc. as an inevitable part of their lives." However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, as the essay predominantly relies on straightforward sentence structures.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and add richness to the writing, consider incorporating a greater variety of sentence structures. This can be achieved by incorporating compound or complex sentences, using different types of clauses, or varying sentence lengths. For instance, instead of solely relying on simple sentences to convey ideas, experiment with combining ideas into complex sentences or using parallel structures to create coherence and sophistication.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of errors and awkward phrasing that affect the clarity and precision of the writing. For example, "Doing anything certainly too much isn’t good so this is too even affects negative children’s social development" contains multiple grammatical errors and lacks clarity. Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors throughout the essay, such as missing commas and inconsistent use of capitalization.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to pay closer attention to sentence structure and word choice. Review sentences for subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and word order. Additionally, ensure that each sentence conveys its intended meaning clearly and concisely. Proofreading the essay carefully for punctuation errors, including commas, periods, and apostrophes, can also enhance readability and coherence. Consider revising awkward or convoluted sentences to improve clarity and coherence. For instance, rephrase the sentence mentioned above as: "Engaging excessively in any activity is detrimental, as it negatively impacts children’s social development."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammar and sentence structure, with room for improvement in terms of variety and precision. By incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary digital era, it’s evident that children are predominantly occupying their time with video games rather than sports. This can be attributed to various factors and significantly impacts their developmental process. This essay will delve into this issue.

Several reasons contribute to the prevalence of young individuals favoring video games over sports, with the most prominent being their habit of utilizing electronic devices from an early age. Adolescents today have grown up with smartphones, laptops, tablets, and other electronic devices as an integral part of their lives. Consequently, they exhibit a greater comfort and inclination toward using technology for entertainment purposes. Moreover, video games afford them a sense of convenience that sports cannot match. For instance, they can engage in video games anytime, anywhere with just a device and Wi-Fi, eliminating the need to travel to a sports facility.

However, excessive indulgence in any activity is detrimental, and this phenomenon negatively impacts children’s social development. Overindulgence in video games, at the expense of sports participation, can lead to isolation from real-world interactions. For example, adolescents may experience discomfort and anxiety in face-to-face interactions due to their excessive screen time. Furthermore, childhood is a critical developmental stage for learning and physical activity, so excessive gaming can affect both their physical and mental health.

In conclusion, despite the fact that video games offer certain benefits, such as convenience, exposure to electronic devices from a young age predominantly contributes to this trend. Nonetheless, its drawbacks, particularly concerning social and physical well-being, should not be overlooked. Therefore, it is imperative that children allocate more time to playing sports than indulging in excessive gaming.