Children obesity is a big problem nowadays. What is the cause of this problem and its solution

Children obesity has become an integral part of the rising depart in the present world, including Vietnam. Several factors have driven this phenomenon, which can be alleviated with some concrete measures.
To commence with, there are two primary reasons for the rising level of children fatness. First, given that the young has a poor diet these days. They tend to consume a lot of junk food such as chicken fried, potato chips and candies which are low in nutrients but high in calories. In addition, another undeniable cause is sedentary lifestyle. Youngsters love spending their leisure time sitting in front of a screen such as TV, computers or smartphones instead of doing outdoor activities which can help them burn calories during day. As a result, more and more children are becoming seriously overweight.
Once the root causes have been ascertained, several courses of practical actions could be implemented to reduce childhood fatness. On the part of eating habits, parents need to play a greater role in controlling what their kids eat. They should spend time cooking dishes with more vegetables, fish and not let them eat too much fast foods or snacks between meals. Furthermore, the onus falls on parents to restrict the time children spending in front of the screen. For instance, children are allowed to use smartphones only 30 minutes per day. Besides, parents should do workout with their kids regularly to encourage them to lead more active live.
In conclusion, several culprits behind the increase in children obesity rates can be identified, namely poor diet and sedentary lifestyle. Only when parents make a concerted effort to reserve the situation can the children avoid the threat of fatness.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Children obesity" -> "Childhood obesity"
Explanation: "Childhood obesity" is the correct term, as "children obesity" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. Using "childhood obesity" maintains the formal tone and accuracy of the term.
"integral part of the rising depart" -> "integral part of the rising trend"
Explanation: "Depart" is incorrect here; "trend" is the correct term to describe a pattern or direction of change, which is more appropriate in this context.
"driven this phenomenon" -> "contributed to this phenomenon"
Explanation: "Driven" is somewhat vague and informal in this context. "Contributed to" is more precise and academically appropriate, indicating a causal relationship.
"children fatness" -> "childhood obesity"
Explanation: "Children fatness" is an awkward and incorrect term. "Childhood obesity" is the standard term used in academic and medical contexts.
"the young has a poor diet" -> "children have a poor diet"
Explanation: "The young" is vague and incorrect; "children" is the correct subject pronoun. Also, "has" should be "have" to agree with the plural subject "children."
"consume a lot of junk food such as chicken fried, potato chips and candies" -> "consume large amounts of junk food such as fried chicken, potato chips, and candies"
Explanation: "Chicken fried" is incorrect; "fried chicken" is the correct term. Also, adding commas after "chicken" and "chips" improves readability and clarity.
"Youngsters love spending their leisure time sitting in front of a screen such as TV, computers or smartphones" -> "Youngsters often spend their leisure time sitting in front of screens such as TVs, computers, or smartphones"
Explanation: "Love" is too informal and emotional for academic writing. "Often spend" is more neutral and appropriate. Also, "a screen" should be "screens" to be plural and include all the mentioned devices.
"doing outdoor activities which can help them burn calories during day" -> "engaging in outdoor activities that help them burn calories daily"
Explanation: "Doing" is informal and vague; "engaging in" is more formal and precise. "During day" is redundant; "daily" is sufficient and more formal.
"more and more children are becoming seriously overweight" -> "an increasing number of children are becoming seriously overweight"
Explanation: "More and more" is informal and vague; "an increasing number of" is more precise and formal.
"Once the root causes have been ascertained, several courses of practical actions could be implemented" -> "Once the root causes are identified, several practical measures could be implemented"
Explanation: "Ascertained" is correct but can be replaced with "identified" for a more straightforward and formal tone. "Courses of practical actions" is awkward; "practical measures" is more direct and appropriate.
"On the part of eating habits" -> "Regarding dietary habits"
Explanation: "On the part of" is informal and unclear; "Regarding" is more direct and formal.
"not let them eat too much fast foods or snacks" -> "not allow them to consume excessive fast food or snacks"
Explanation: "Let them eat too much" is informal and imprecise; "allow them to consume excessive" is more formal and specific.
"the onus falls on parents to restrict the time children spending in front of the screen" -> "the responsibility falls on parents to limit the time children spend in front of screens"
Explanation: "The onus falls on" is correct but can be simplified to "the responsibility falls on" for clarity. "Spending" should be "spend" to agree with the singular subject "time."
"do workout with their kids regularly" -> "exercise with their children regularly"
Explanation: "Do workout" is informal and imprecise; "exercise" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. "Kids" is informal; "children" is more suitable.
"lead more active live" -> "lead a more active lifestyle"
Explanation: "Live" is incorrect; "lifestyle" is the correct term for describing a person’s general way of living.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively identifies the causes of childhood obesity, namely poor diet and sedentary lifestyle, and proposes solutions primarily focused on parental involvement. The introduction sets the stage by acknowledging the issue, and the body paragraphs clearly outline both the causes and potential solutions. However, the essay could have benefitted from a more explicit connection between the causes and solutions, as well as a broader exploration of societal or environmental factors contributing to obesity.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the essay could include a brief discussion on how societal influences, such as marketing of unhealthy foods or lack of safe play areas, contribute to childhood obesity. Additionally, it would be beneficial to explicitly link each cause to its corresponding solution to demonstrate a clear understanding of how to tackle the issue.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that parental responsibility is crucial in combating childhood obesity. This stance is consistent throughout the essay, particularly in the solutions section, where the focus remains on parental actions. However, the phrasing could be more assertive in emphasizing the urgency of the issue and the necessity of collective action beyond just parental control.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity and consistency, the writer could use stronger language to assert the importance of their position. Phrases like "It is imperative that parents take action" or "Collective efforts are essential" would reinforce the urgency of the situation and strengthen the overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents clear ideas regarding the causes and solutions of childhood obesity. The reasons are supported with examples, such as specific unhealthy foods and activities that contribute to obesity. However, the development of these ideas could be more thorough; for instance, the discussion on solutions lacks depth and could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support the proposed actions.
- How to improve: To effectively present and extend ideas, the writer should elaborate on the proposed solutions. For example, they could provide examples of healthy meals that parents can prepare or discuss community programs that encourage physical activity. Including statistics or studies on the effectiveness of parental involvement in reducing obesity rates would also strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on childhood obesity and its causes and solutions. However, there are moments where the phrasing could be clearer, such as "the young has a poor diet" which could be rephrased to "young people have poor diets." Such clarity would enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that all sentences directly contribute to the discussion of childhood obesity. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that each point made is directly tied to the central topic will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, a more structured approach, such as clearly delineating causes and solutions in separate paragraphs, would enhance clarity and focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs logically follow one another. For instance, the first body paragraph outlines the causes of childhood obesity, while the second addresses potential solutions. However, the transition between the causes and solutions could be more explicit to enhance the logical flow.
- How to improve: To improve the logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, at the end of the first body paragraph, a sentence like "Having identified the causes, it is crucial to explore viable solutions" would create a smoother transition to the next section.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic—causes and solutions—allowing the reader to follow the argument easily. However, the first body paragraph could be further divided into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing solely on dietary issues and the other on sedentary lifestyle, which would provide clearer segmentation of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant details. For instance, after discussing poor diet, a new paragraph could begin with a topic sentence like "Another significant factor contributing to childhood obesity is the sedentary lifestyle," followed by supporting details.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "in addition," and "furthermore," which help to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "As a result" is used effectively to show the consequence of poor diet and sedentary lifestyle, but more varied devices could enhance the overall cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Moreover," "Consequently," or "On the other hand" to introduce new ideas or contrast points. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can create a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions can help elevate the score further by enhancing clarity and fluidity in the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "phenomenon," "sedentary lifestyle," and "culprits." However, there is a noticeable repetition of certain words and phrases, such as "children obesity" and "fatness," which limits the lexical variety. The phrase "rising depart" is also unclear and seems to be a misused expression.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "children obesity," alternatives like "childhood overweight" or "youth obesity" could be used. Additionally, replacing "fatness" with terms like "excess weight" or "obesity" would improve lexical diversity.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "children fatness" is not a standard term and could be misinterpreted. The phrase "the young has a poor diet" is grammatically incorrect and should be "the young have a poor diet." The term "integral part of the rising depart" is vague and does not clearly convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using established phrases and correct grammatical structures. For instance, instead of "children fatness," using "childhood obesity" would be more appropriate. Additionally, ensuring subject-verb agreement (e.g., "the young have") will enhance clarity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "depart" (which should likely be "debate" or "issue") and "live" (which should be "life"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can lead to improved spelling over time.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improving vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will significantly enhance the quality of the writing and potentially raise the band score in the Lexical Resource category.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of introductory phrases such as "To commence with" and "Once the root causes have been ascertained" adds variety. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the second paragraph where phrases like "First" and "In addition" are used to list reasons. This could limit the overall complexity and engagement of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider integrating more complex sentences that combine ideas. For example, instead of starting sentences with "First" or "In addition," you could use relative clauses or participial phrases to create more nuanced sentences. For instance, "Given that children today often consume junk food, it is crucial for parents to monitor their diets closely." This approach not only diversifies sentence structure but also improves the flow of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from clarity. For instance, "children obesity" should be "childhood obesity," and "the young has a poor diet" should be "young people have a poor diet." Additionally, there are issues with article usage and pluralization, such as "the onus falls on parents to restrict the time children spending" which should be "the time children spend." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are missing commas that could enhance readability, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review subject-verb agreement and the use of articles. Practicing with grammar exercises focused on common errors can also be beneficial. For punctuation, consider reading the essay aloud to identify natural pauses where commas may be needed. Furthermore, revising sentences for clarity and correctness before finalizing the essay can help catch these errors. For example, revising "the onus falls on parents to restrict the time children spending in front of the screen" to "the onus falls on parents to restrict the time children spend in front of screens" would enhance both clarity and grammatical accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and addressing grammatical errors will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Children’s obesity has become an integral part of the rising trend in the present world, including Vietnam. Several factors have contributed to this phenomenon, which can be alleviated with some concrete measures.

To commence with, there are two primary reasons for the rising level of childhood fatness. First, given that the young have a poor diet these days, they tend to consume large amounts of junk food such as fried chicken, potato chips, and candies, which are low in nutrients but high in calories. In addition, another undeniable cause is a sedentary lifestyle. Youngsters love spending their leisure time sitting in front of screens such as TVs, computers, or smartphones instead of engaging in outdoor activities that help them burn calories during the day. As a result, an increasing number of children are becoming seriously overweight.

Once the root causes have been identified, several practical measures could be implemented to reduce childhood fatness. Regarding dietary habits, parents need to play a greater role in controlling what their kids eat. They should spend time cooking dishes with more vegetables and fish and not allow them to consume excessive fast food or snacks between meals. Furthermore, the responsibility falls on parents to restrict the time children spend in front of screens. For instance, children could be allowed to use smartphones for only 30 minutes per day. Besides, parents should exercise with their children regularly to encourage them to lead a more active lifestyle.

In conclusion, several culprits behind the increase in childhood obesity rates can be identified, namely poor diet and sedentary lifestyle. Only when parents make a concerted effort to reverse the situation can children avoid the threat of obesity.