Children should be encouraged to view every competition as an opportunity for self-improvement and to appreciate what they acquire in the process, instead of viewing its final result as the ultimate goal. To what extent do you agree with the statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Children should be encouraged to view every competition as an opportunity for self-improvement and to appreciate what they acquire in the process, instead of viewing its final result as the ultimate goal.
To what extent do you agree with the statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Nowadays, it is common to see children attending competitions from sports to academic subjects for different reasons. Likewise, there has been an opinion that young people need to regard competitions as chances for self-improvement and their acquirements during the process and not see the final result as the ultimate goal. I fully agree with the statement that children shouldn’t overestimate their final results over what they achieve during the competition.
Firstly, viewing every competition as the mean of make self improvements and appreciate the merits of competitions is beneficial to a child’s development. Children can learn to set realistic goals, working towards achieving them, and measure their progress. This approach instills resilience, as they understand that setbacks are part of the learning curve. For instance, a child participating in a spelling bee may not win the competition, but the rigorous preparation enhances their vocabulary and spelling skills. This improvement is a lasting benefit that extends beyond the event itself.
Secondly, appreciating the process of competition helps children develop important life skills. Competitions often require teamwork, strategic thinking, and time management. By valuing these skills over the final outcome, children learn to collaborate effectively, think critically, and manage their time efficiently. These skills are invaluable in real-life scenarios, far surpassing the transient satisfaction of winning a single competition. For example, a student in a science fair learns to conduct experiments, analyse data, and present findings. These skills will be useful not only academically but also professionally in the future.
In conclusion, encouraging children to view competitions as opportunities for self-improvement and to appreciate the process rather than the final result is beneficial for their overall development. It promotes resilience, life skills, and mental well-being, preparing them for future challenges in a balanced and healthy manner. By fostering this mindset, we can help children become more well-rounded individuals who values growth and learning above victories.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays." -
"it is common to see" -> "it is prevalent to observe"
Explanation: "It is prevalent to observe" is more formal and academically appropriate than "it is common to see," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"Likewise, there has been an opinion" -> "Similarly, there exists a prevailing opinion"
Explanation: "Similarly" is more formal than "Likewise," and "there exists a prevailing opinion" is more precise and formal than "there has been an opinion." -
"young people need to regard competitions as chances for self-improvement and their acquirements" -> "young individuals should view competitions as opportunities for self-improvement and skill acquisition"
Explanation: "Young individuals" is more formal than "young people," and "opportunities for self-improvement and skill acquisition" is more specific and academically appropriate than "chances for self-improvement and their acquirements." -
"the mean of make self improvements" -> "a means of making self-improvements"
Explanation: "a means of making self-improvements" corrects the grammatical error and improves the formality of the phrase. -
"Children can learn to set realistic goals, working towards achieving them, and measure their progress." -> "Children can learn to set realistic goals, work towards achieving them, and measure their progress."
Explanation: Removing the comma after "achieving" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence flow more naturally and formally. -
"For instance, a child participating in a spelling bee may not win the competition, but the rigorous preparation enhances their vocabulary and spelling skills." -> "For example, a child participating in a spelling bee may not win the competition, yet the rigorous preparation enhances their vocabulary and spelling skills."
Explanation: "Yet" is more formal than "but," and the use of "example" instead of "instance" is more typical in academic writing. -
"This improvement is a lasting benefit that extends beyond the event itself." -> "This improvement constitutes a lasting benefit that transcends the event itself."
Explanation: "Constitutes" is more formal than "is," and "transcends" is a more precise and academic term than "extends beyond." -
"appreciating the process of competition helps children develop important life skills" -> "appreciating the process of competition facilitates the development of essential life skills"
Explanation: "Facilitates the development of essential life skills" is more formal and precise than "helps children develop important life skills." -
"Competitions often require teamwork, strategic thinking, and time management." -> "Competitions frequently necessitate teamwork, strategic thinking, and time management."
Explanation: "Frequently necessitate" is more formal and precise than "often require," and "necessitate" is more academic than "require." -
"By valuing these skills over the final outcome, children learn to collaborate effectively, think critically, and manage their time efficiently." -> "By prioritizing these skills over the final outcome, children learn to collaborate effectively, think critically, and manage their time efficiently."
Explanation: "Prioritizing" is more formal than "valuing," and the repetition of "efficiently" maintains consistency in style. -
"These skills are invaluable in real-life scenarios, far surpassing the transient satisfaction of winning a single competition." -> "These skills are invaluable in real-life scenarios, far surpassing the fleeting satisfaction of winning a single competition."
Explanation: "Fleeting" is a more precise and formal synonym for "transient," enhancing the academic tone. -
"encouraging children to view competitions as opportunities for self-improvement and to appreciate the process rather than the final result" -> "encouraging children to perceive competitions as opportunities for self-improvement and to appreciate the process rather than the final outcome"
Explanation: "Perceive" is more formal than "view," and "outcome" is more precise than "result" in this context. -
"It promotes resilience, life skills, and mental well-being, preparing them for future challenges in a balanced and healthy manner." -> "It fosters resilience, life skills, and mental well-being, thereby preparing them for future challenges in a balanced and healthy manner."
Explanation: "Fosters" is more formal than "promotes," and "thereby" adds a sense of causality, enhancing the academic tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of viewing competitions as opportunities for self-improvement rather than solely focusing on the final results. The introduction clearly states the author’s agreement with the statement, and each body paragraph supports this stance with relevant examples. The first body paragraph emphasizes personal development through realistic goal-setting and resilience, while the second highlights the acquisition of life skills. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, which would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, consider briefly acknowledging the potential benefits of focusing on winning, such as motivation and competitive spirit, before reinforcing the main argument. This would provide a more balanced perspective and show critical engagement with the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently advocating for the view that children should prioritize self-improvement over winning. The use of phrases like "I fully agree" in the introduction sets a definitive tone, and this stance is reinforced in the conclusion. The logical flow of ideas supports the overall argument, making it easy for the reader to follow the author’s perspective.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, the essay could strengthen its argument by incorporating transitional phrases that explicitly link the examples back to the main thesis. This would enhance coherence and remind the reader of the central argument as the essay progresses.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. The examples of the spelling bee and science fair effectively illustrate the benefits of focusing on self-improvement and life skills. The explanations are clear and logically structured, allowing the reader to understand the significance of each point. However, some ideas could be further extended to provide deeper insights.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of analysis, consider elaborating on the examples provided. For instance, discussing how the skills learned in competitions can be applied in specific real-life situations would add richness to the argument. Additionally, incorporating statistics or research findings related to the benefits of a growth mindset in children could further substantiate the claims.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, consistently addressing the prompt without deviating into unrelated areas. Each paragraph contributes to the central argument, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points made. The language used is relevant and appropriate for the discussion of competition and self-improvement.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each example directly relates back to the main argument. Avoid introducing any tangential ideas that could distract from the primary message. Additionally, reinforcing the connection between the examples and the thesis in the concluding remarks would further solidify the essay’s focus.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and effectively communicates the importance of self-improvement in competitions. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the essay could achieve an even higher level of sophistication and depth.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph effectively develops a distinct point that supports the main argument. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of viewing competitions as opportunities for self-improvement, while the second focuses on the development of life skills. This logical progression aids the reader’s understanding and keeps the argument coherent.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit linking phrases between ideas. For example, phrases like "In addition to this," or "Moreover," could be used to connect the two body paragraphs more fluidly, reinforcing how the points build on one another.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, and the conclusion summarizes the main points well. However, the first body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that directly relate back to the thesis statement.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph to ensure they clearly reflect the main idea of the paragraph and tie back to the thesis. For example, the first paragraph could start with a sentence like, "One significant advantage of viewing competitions as opportunities for self-improvement is the development of resilience."
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "For instance," which guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of using "For example" repeatedly, consider alternatives like "To illustrate," or "As a case in point." Additionally, using transitional phrases at the beginning of sentences can help create smoother connections between ideas.
Overall, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, effectively communicating the argument while maintaining a logical structure. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further enhance the clarity and fluidity of their writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "self-improvement," "resilience," "strategic thinking," and "transient satisfaction" effectively employed to convey complex ideas. The use of phrases like "viewing every competition as the mean of make self improvements" shows an attempt to use varied vocabulary, although there are some grammatical issues that detract from clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "competition," alternatives like "contest," "event," or "challenge" could be used. Additionally, ensuring that phrases are grammatically correct will improve the overall impact of the vocabulary used.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances where word choice is not entirely accurate. For example, the phrase "the mean of make self improvements" is awkward and incorrect; it should be "the means of making self-improvements." Additionally, "appreciate the merits of competitions" could be more clearly expressed as "appreciate the benefits of competition."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and correctness. For instance, replacing "the mean of make self improvements" with "the means of achieving self-improvement" would enhance precision and readability.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling, with no glaring errors that would significantly impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as "analyse," which is correct in British English but should be "analyze" in American English, depending on the intended audience. Additionally, "self improvements" should be hyphenated as "self-improvements."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, paying attention to commonly confused words and regional spelling variations. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked during the writing process.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in grammatical accuracy, precision of word choice, and attention to spelling conventions. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can elevate their Lexical Resource score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences such as “Children can learn to set realistic goals, working towards achieving them, and measure their progress” showcases the writer’s ability to combine ideas effectively. Additionally, the essay employs a mix of declarative and conditional sentences, enhancing the overall fluency and coherence of the argument. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied; for example, the phrase “viewing every competition as the mean of make self improvements” contains a grammatical error and lacks clarity, which detracts from the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, such as using adverbial clauses or participial phrases. For instance, instead of starting with “Firstly,” the writer could use “To begin with,” or “In the first place,” to introduce points. Additionally, employing more rhetorical questions or conditional structures could enhance engagement and complexity in the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors that do not significantly impede understanding. However, there are notable issues, such as the incorrect phrase “the mean of make self improvements,” which should be revised to “the means of making self-improvements.” Punctuation is mostly accurate, with appropriate use of commas to separate clauses, but there are instances where clarity could be improved through better punctuation, such as in the sentence “For instance, a child participating in a spelling bee may not win the competition, but the rigorous preparation enhances their vocabulary and spelling skills,” where a semicolon might be more effective in linking closely related independent clauses.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly in phrases that require correct verb forms and prepositions. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and rectify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas and semicolons, will contribute to clearer and more effective writing.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a band score of 8. With attention to diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision, the writer can further elevate their writing quality.
Bài sửa mẫu
Nowadays, it is common to see children attending competitions, from sports to academic subjects, for different reasons. Similarly, there exists a prevailing opinion that young people need to regard competitions as chances for self-improvement and their acquirements during the process, rather than seeing the final result as the ultimate goal. I fully agree with the statement that children shouldn’t overestimate their final results over what they achieve during the competition.
Firstly, viewing every competition as a means of making self-improvements and appreciating the merits of competitions is beneficial to a child’s development. Children can learn to set realistic goals, work towards achieving them, and measure their progress. This approach instills resilience, as they understand that setbacks are part of the learning curve. For example, a child participating in a spelling bee may not win the competition, yet the rigorous preparation enhances their vocabulary and spelling skills. This improvement constitutes a lasting benefit that transcends the event itself.
Secondly, appreciating the process of competition helps children develop important life skills. Competitions frequently necessitate teamwork, strategic thinking, and time management. By prioritizing these skills over the final outcome, children learn to collaborate effectively, think critically, and manage their time efficiently. These skills are invaluable in real-life scenarios, far surpassing the fleeting satisfaction of winning a single competition. For instance, a student in a science fair learns to conduct experiments, analyze data, and present findings. These skills will be useful not only academically but also professionally in the future.
In conclusion, encouraging children to perceive competitions as opportunities for self-improvement and to appreciate the process rather than the final result is beneficial for their overall development. It fosters resilience, life skills, and mental well-being, thereby preparing them for future challenges in a balanced and healthy manner. By fostering this mindset, we can help children become more well-rounded individuals who value growth and learning above victories.
