Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors.

In this day and age, technology is becoming more advanced and modern;however, there are a number of children being increasingly dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. Some said that it would better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional past times than spending all day indoors. From my point of view, i wholeleheartedly agree with this statement.
First and foremost, physical activities such as soccer, basketbal, badminton,etc help you keep fit and gain your soft skills. In case, you sit many hours in front of screen computer by virtue of your job, that outdoor sports help you improve mental exhaustion as well as your fitness, which avoids a lot of diseases about eyes and spine. In addition, physical activities like football or basketball require you to develop teamwork and leadership skills in the process of engaging in sports. Captains have to allocate tasks efficiently and members cooperate with each other flexibly so as to win easily.
In the second place, traditional pastimes are able to provide children with a cretive outlet, allowing them to develop their imagination and cognitive abilities. For instance, reading and drawing help you promote your creativity, your brain must produce and associate novel ideas with your books and painting. Moreover, it helps you recognize the issue that you can face up with in life and learn how to solve it.
To put it briefly, while computers and electronic entertainment have their placein modern society, it is essential for children to engage in physical activities and traditional pasttimes to ensure their their overall well-being and personal development.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In this day and age" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "In contemporary society" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"technology is becoming more advanced and modern" -> "technology is increasingly sophisticated"
Explanation: The phrase "more advanced and modern" is redundant. "Increasingly sophisticated" conveys the same meaning in a more concise and academically precise manner.
"Some said that it would better for them" -> "Some argue that it would be better for them"
Explanation: "Some said" is informal and vague. "Some argue" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic tone better.
"i wholeleheartedly agree" -> "I wholeheartedly agree"
Explanation: This is a typographical error. Capitalizing the first letter of the pronoun "I" is necessary for proper grammar and formality.
"basketbal" -> "basketball"
Explanation: This is a typographical error. Correcting "basketbal" to "basketball" ensures accuracy and professionalism.
"soft skills" -> "social skills"
Explanation: "Soft skills" is a modern term that may not be universally understood in academic contexts. "Social skills" is a more traditional and widely recognized term that fits better in formal writing.
"sit many hours in front of screen computer" -> "spend numerous hours in front of computer screens"
Explanation: "Sit many hours" is informal and imprecise. "Spend numerous hours" is more formal and quantifies the time spent in a more academic manner. Also, "screen computer" is redundant; "computer screens" is the correct phrase.
"avoid a lot of diseases about eyes and spine" -> "prevent various eye and spinal health issues"
Explanation: "Avoid a lot of diseases about eyes and spine" is awkward and informal. "Prevent various eye and spinal health issues" is more precise and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"cretive outlet" -> "creative outlet"
Explanation: This is a typographical error. Correcting "cretive" to "creative" ensures accuracy and professionalism.
"your brain must produce and associate novel ideas with your books and painting" -> "your brain must generate and associate novel ideas with the books and paintings"
Explanation: "Your brain must produce" is somewhat informal and vague. "Your brain must generate" is more precise and formal. Also, "painting" should be pluralized to "paintings" to match the plural context of "books."
"face up with" -> "face"
Explanation: "Face up with" is an idiom that is too informal for academic writing. "Face" is the correct term, and the context clarifies that it refers to encountering challenges.
"it is essential for children to engage in physical activities and traditional pasttimes" -> "it is crucial for children to engage in physical activities and traditional pastimes"
Explanation: "Pasttimes" is a misspelling. Correcting it to "pastimes" ensures accuracy. Also, "essential" is good but "crucial" adds a stronger emphasis, which is suitable for academic arguments.
"ensure their their overall well-being and personal development" -> "ensure their overall well-being and personal development"
Explanation: This is a typographical error. Removing the duplicate "their" corrects the grammar and maintains the formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the main prompt, which argues that children are overly reliant on computers and electronic entertainment, and suggests that they should engage more in outdoor activities and traditional pastimes. The introduction clearly states the author’s agreement with the statement, and the body paragraphs provide relevant arguments supporting this view. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the potential benefits of technology, which would provide a more balanced perspective.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could briefly mention the advantages of computers and electronic entertainment before emphasizing the importance of outdoor activities. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic and fully address all parts of the question.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position, consistently supporting the idea that children should spend less time on computers and more time engaging in physical activities. Phrases like "I wholeheartedly agree" and the concluding statement reinforce this stance. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, as some sentences feel slightly disjointed, which may confuse the reader about the main argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and coherence, the author should use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis. Additionally, employing transitional phrases between sentences and ideas would help create a more logical flow.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the health benefits of physical activities and the cognitive development from traditional pastimes. However, some points are not fully developed. For instance, while the author mentions teamwork and leadership skills gained from sports, there could be more specific examples or evidence to illustrate these claims. Furthermore, the mention of "mental exhaustion" could be elaborated upon to clarify its relevance.
- How to improve: The author should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations to support each point. Including statistics, studies, or real-life examples would strengthen the arguments. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is fully explored before moving on to the next would enhance the overall depth of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the argument that children should engage more in physical activities and traditional pastimes. However, there are moments where the writing could be more focused. For example, the phrase "that outdoor sports help you improve mental exhaustion" is somewhat vague and could lead the reader to question its relevance to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the main argument. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that all points are directly tied to the thesis will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any off-topic statements or unclear phrases will help tighten the focus.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are areas for improvement in terms of depth, clarity, and coherence. By addressing these points, the author can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of outdoor activities and traditional pastimes over reliance on computers. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs follow a logical sequence that supports the main argument. For instance, the first paragraph discusses the benefits of physical activities, while the second focuses on traditional pastimes. However, the transition between these two ideas could be smoother, as the connection between physical activity and cognitive development is not explicitly stated, which may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing physical activities, a sentence like "In addition to physical benefits, traditional pastimes also play a crucial role in a child’s development" could help bridge the two concepts more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph addresses the importance of physical activities, while the second highlights traditional pastimes. However, the paragraphs could be better structured with clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. For instance, the first paragraph could start with a sentence that explicitly states the benefits of physical activities before delving into specific examples.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence. This will provide the reader with a roadmap of what to expect in that paragraph. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones if they contain multiple ideas, which can enhance readability and clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost" and "in addition," to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "In case, you sit many hours in front of screen computer" lacks clarity and could be better integrated into the flow of the argument.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "moreover," "on the other hand," and "consequently." Additionally, ensure that sentences are grammatically correct and clearly connected to the preceding ideas. For example, rephrasing the problematic sentence to "If children spend many hours in front of a computer screen, engaging in outdoor sports can help alleviate mental exhaustion and improve fitness" would enhance clarity and cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, addressing the areas for improvement outlined above will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in vocabulary, such as "advanced," "traditional pastimes," and "mental exhaustion." However, the range is limited, and there are instances where more sophisticated or varied vocabulary could enhance the argument. For example, the phrase "being increasingly dependent" could be expressed with alternatives like "growing reliance" or "overreliance." Additionally, terms like "soft skills" and "creative outlet" are somewhat generic and could be replaced with more specific vocabulary relevant to the context.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more precise terms throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeating "physical activities," consider using "athletic pursuits" or "sports engagement." Reading a variety of texts and noting advanced vocabulary can help in expanding one’s lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "you sit many hours in front of screen computer," which should be "you sit for many hours in front of a computer screen." The phrase "about eyes and spine" is also vague and could be more accurately expressed as "related to eye strain and spinal issues." The use of "creatve outlet" contains a spelling error and should be "creative outlet." Such inaccuracies can lead to misunderstandings or weaken the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that phrases are grammatically correct and contextually appropriate. Proofreading for clarity and correctness before submission can help catch these errors. Additionally, practicing paraphrasing exercises can improve the ability to express ideas more precisely.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "wholeleheartedly," "basketbal," "cretive," and "past times." These mistakes detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader. The phrase "placein" should be "place in," indicating a spacing error as well.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, such as using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, reading more can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure. Before finalizing the essay, a thorough proofreading session focused on spelling can help identify and correct errors.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary and its application, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "In case, you sit many hours in front of screen computer by virtue of your job," which attempts to convey conditionality. However, the essay largely relies on simple and compound sentences, limiting the variety. The sentence "From my point of view, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement" is a straightforward expression of opinion, but it lacks complexity.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses, such as "Although technology offers various benefits, I believe that children should prioritize outdoor activities." Additionally, using varied sentence beginnings and integrating different sentence types (e.g., questions, exclamatory sentences) can make the writing more engaging.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, the phrase "there are a number of children being increasingly dependent" is awkwardly constructed; a clearer version might be "an increasing number of children are becoming dependent." The use of "i wholeleheartedly agree" contains a capitalization error and a spelling mistake. Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the missing space after the semicolon in "modern;however," and the lack of commas in lists (e.g., "soccer, basketbal, badminton,etc") hinder readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay to catch spelling and capitalization errors. Practicing the correct use of punctuation, especially in lists and complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Additionally, reviewing subject-verb agreement and ensuring that verbs are in the correct tense will help avoid grammatical mistakes. For example, revising "that outdoor sports help you improve mental exhaustion" to "that outdoor sports can help improve mental exhaustion" would enhance grammatical accuracy.

Overall, while the essay presents relevant ideas and arguments, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical and punctuation accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, technology is becoming more advanced and modern; however, there are a number of children who are increasingly dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. Some argue that it would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. From my point of view, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.

First and foremost, physical activities such as soccer, basketball, and badminton help you keep fit and gain social skills. If you spend numerous hours in front of a computer screen due to your job, outdoor sports help you reduce mental exhaustion as well as improve your fitness, which can prevent various eye and spinal health issues. In addition, physical activities like football or basketball require you to develop teamwork and leadership skills in the process of engaging in sports. Captains have to allocate tasks efficiently, and team members must cooperate with each other flexibly in order to win easily.

Secondly, traditional pastimes can provide children with a creative outlet, allowing them to develop their imagination and cognitive abilities. For instance, reading and drawing help promote creativity, as your brain must generate and associate novel ideas with the books and paintings. Moreover, these activities help you recognize the issues that you may face in life and learn how to solve them.

To put it briefly, while computers and electronic entertainment have their place in contemporary society, it is crucial for children to engage in physical activities and traditional pastimes to ensure their overall well-being and personal development.