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Choose a piece of music and listen to it. When you hear the music, what do you imagine is happening? Create a story that describes what is happening in the music.

Choose a piece of music and listen to it. When you hear the music, what do you imagine is happening? Create a story that describes what is happening in the music.

When talking about music, I am a person who loves music very much. I often listen to it when I have free time and am in a happy spirit. When I listen to any song by any singer, I will immerse myself in the lyrics and imagine many stories. The music I listen to is usually light, sweet, and feels quite pleasant and peaceful. As a result, "Light" by BTS is the music I choose. This song really made an impression on me. When I first heard it, I thought it was great. I can envision a story about the significance of ARMY to BANGTAN (BTS) when I listen to it since ARMY is the light that leads the path for BTS's success. Even in the dark, when we close our eyes, the entire BTS sky is ARMY, but even in the moments when time appears to stand still, music is what unites us. Simply keep going forward without any fear. Because you are my source of light. We are going to find each other, no matter how far apart we are. Since nobody is flawless, they currently realize that music will always bring us together. When I listen to this song, which calms, soothes, and comforts me, that is the tale I picture. That's all. I promise you won't be disappointed if you give this song a listen if you haven't already. Since the song is good.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "When talking about music, I am a person who loves music very much." -> "Regarding music, I am an avid enthusiast."
    Explanation: Replacing "When talking about music, I am a person who loves music very much" with "Regarding music, I am an avid enthusiast" elevates the language by using a more formal expression, eliminating redundancy.

  2. "I often listen to it when I have free time and am in a happy spirit." -> "I frequently indulge in it during leisure moments, particularly when in a joyful mood."
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances the formality and precision of the sentence by replacing the colloquial "I often listen to it" with "I frequently indulge in it" and providing a more sophisticated description of the emotional state.

  3. "The music I listen to is usually light, sweet, and feels quite pleasant and peaceful." -> "My musical preferences lean towards compositions that are melodious, sweet, and evoke a sense of tranquility."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs more refined vocabulary, such as "compositions" instead of "music," and enhances the formal tone by using precise adjectives like "melodious" and "tranquility."

  4. "As a result, ‘Light’ by BTS is the music I choose." -> "Consequently, I opt for ‘Light’ by BTS."
    Explanation: The suggested change streamlines the expression by replacing "is the music I choose" with the more concise "I opt for," maintaining formality and clarity.

  5. "This song really made an impression on me. When I first heard it, I thought it was great." -> "This song left a lasting impression on me; upon initial exposure, I found it exceptional."
    Explanation: The proposed alternatives eliminate redundancy and enhance formality by combining the ideas into a single sentence, using "left a lasting impression" and "found it exceptional."

  6. "I can envision a story about the significance of ARMY to BANGTAN (BTS) when I listen to it since ARMY is the light that leads the path for BTS’s success." -> "Upon listening, I conjure a narrative about the pivotal role of ARMY in BANGTAN (BTS), as they serve as the guiding light toward BTS’s success."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language, such as "conjuring a narrative" instead of "envisioning a story," and provides a clearer and more elaborate description of the relationship between ARMY and BTS.

  7. "Even in the dark, when we close our eyes, the entire BTS sky is ARMY, but even in the moments when time appears to stand still, music is what unites us." -> "In moments of darkness, as we close our eyes, the entirety of the BTS sky is illuminated by ARMY. Even in the instances where time seems to stand still, music serves as the unifying force."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and clarity by using more precise language, such as "instances" instead of "moments," and by restructuring the sentence for better flow.

  8. "Simply keep going forward without any fear. Because you are my source of light." -> "Persist unwaveringly, free from apprehension, for you are my beacon of light."
    Explanation: The revised sentences maintain a formal tone while providing a more refined expression, replacing "Simply keep going forward" with "Persist unwaveringly" and using "beacon of light" for added sophistication.

  9. "Since nobody is flawless, they currently realize that music will always bring us together." -> "Recognizing the imperfection inherent in every individual, there is a current awareness that music will perpetually unite us."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision by using more sophisticated language, such as "recognizing the imperfection inherent in every individual," and by rephrasing for better clarity.

  10. "When I listen to this song, which calms, soothes, and comforts me, that is the tale I picture." -> "Upon listening to this soothing and comforting song, the narrative I envision unfolds."
    Explanation: The proposed change maintains a formal tone by using more precise language, such as "the narrative I envision unfolds," and streamlines the expression for clarity.

  11. "That’s all. I promise you won’t be disappointed if you give this song a listen if you haven’t already. Since the song is good." -> "In conclusion, I assure you that listening to this song, if you haven’t already, will not disappoint, given its inherent quality."
    Explanation: The revised conclusion maintains a formal tone, replaces the informal "That’s all" with "In conclusion," and provides a more sophisticated expression for the assurance of the song’s quality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay responds to the prompt by selecting "Light" by BTS as the chosen piece of music and attempts to create a story based on the imagined events within the music. However, the essay falls short in providing a comprehensive response to all parts of the prompt. It primarily focuses on the positive emotions and impact of the chosen music without delving into a detailed narrative that describes what is happening in the music.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, the writer should devote more attention to crafting a vivid and detailed story that captures the essence of the music. It’s essential to describe specific events, emotions, or scenes inspired by the music rather than general sentiments.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position by expressing admiration for the song "Light" by BTS and connecting it to the significance of the relationship between ARMY and BTS. The stance is consistent throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the writer can emphasize the specific aspects of the song that evoke emotions and elaborate on how these elements contribute to the overall narrative. This will provide a more nuanced and focused discussion on the chosen music.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents the idea that "Light" by BTS is a significant song that symbolizes the connection between ARMY and BTS. However, the development and support of this idea are limited. The essay lacks specific examples or details from the song to substantiate its claims.
    • How to improve: To enhance idea presentation, the writer should include concrete examples from the lyrics or musical elements of "Light" that evoke the described emotions. Providing specific details will add depth to the essay and strengthen the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally stays on the topic of describing what is happening in the music, there are moments where it shifts towards promoting the song itself ("I promise you won’t be disappointed if you give this song a listen"). This deviates slightly from the primary focus of creating a story based on the music.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid promotional language and concentrate solely on constructing a narrative inspired by the music. This ensures a more consistent and relevant response to the given prompt.

In summary, while the essay displays an appreciation for the chosen music and attempts to create a narrative, it falls short in providing a detailed and comprehensive response to all aspects of the prompt. Strengthening the narrative, incorporating specific examples from the song, and maintaining a laser focus on the prompt will contribute to a more effective and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by expressing the author’s love for music, and the body of the essay presents a coherent narrative about the chosen song. However, there’s room for improvement in the logical development of the story. The transitions between ideas could be smoother, and a clearer progression of thoughts would enhance overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider establishing a more structured narrative. Begin with a clear introduction, delve into the storyline with a sequential arrangement of events or thoughts, and conclude with a summarizing statement. Ensure that each paragraph logically connects to the preceding and following ones, creating a seamless flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits the use of paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness could be refined. The ideas within paragraphs are somewhat scattered, impacting the overall coherence. A more organized and focused approach to paragraphing would contribute to a better presentation of the narrative.
    • How to improve: Aim for a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph, followed by supporting details or examples. Ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs to maintain a logical progression. Consider restructuring the essay to create distinct paragraphs for different aspects of the story, fostering a more organized and reader-friendly format.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("it," "this song") and repetition of key themes ("light," "ARMY"). While these contribute to cohesion, there’s an opportunity to diversify the use of cohesive devices further. Additional devices like conjunctions, transitional phrases, and parallel structures could enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Introduce a variety of cohesive devices to establish stronger connections between sentences and ideas. Implement conjunctions like "however," "thus," or "meanwhile" to create smoother transitions. Incorporate parallel structures for balance and coherence. Additionally, consider using more explicit markers to guide the reader through the narrative, making it easier to follow the unfolding story.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable coherence and cohesion level, but refining the organization, paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate it to a more sophisticated and cohesive piece of writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While the writer attempts to convey their thoughts effectively, there is room for improvement in the diversity of vocabulary. For example, phrases like "light," "sweet," "pleasant," and "peaceful" are repeated, and the essay could benefit from the inclusion of more varied and sophisticated terms.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this criterion, consider incorporating a broader array of descriptive adjectives and synonyms. Instead of relying on familiar terms, explore alternatives that convey similar meanings but contribute to a richer and more nuanced expression of your ideas. For instance, explore synonyms for "light" or "pleasant" to provide a more intricate description of the music’s impact.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary in a clear and straightforward manner, but there are instances where the language could be more precise. For example, the phrase "the entire BTS sky is ARMY" might benefit from a more precise metaphor or description to avoid potential confusion or ambiguity.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Consider refining metaphors or similes to ensure they enhance rather than obscure the clarity of your expression. In this case, explaining how ARMY serves as the guiding light for BTS could provide a clearer picture and a more precise use of vocabulary.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally acceptable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where the writer could improve spelling, such as "BANGTAN" (BTS), where the use of uppercase letters might be consistent throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to details such as capitalization to maintain consistency in your writing. Additionally, consider proofreading your work to catch any minor spelling errors that may have been overlooked. This practice can contribute to a more polished and error-free essay.

Overall, the essay displays a commendable effort in lexical resource, but a more varied vocabulary, precision in language use, and attention to spelling details could further enhance the quality of expression.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and compound sentences, and the writer attempts some complex structures, such as the use of dependent clauses. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety. For example, the essay could benefit from incorporating more complex sentence structures, like compound-complex sentences or varied introductory phrases.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using a combination of complex sentences, compound sentences, and compound-complex sentences. Experiment with different sentence lengths and structures to add sophistication to your writing. Additionally, try using introductory phrases to vary sentence beginnings and engage the reader.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement could be improved. For example, in the sentence "Because you are my source of light," the subject ("you") and the verb ("are") need to agree in number. Additionally, there are a few places where the use of commas is inconsistent, and some sentences could benefit from clearer punctuation to enhance readability.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure consistency throughout the essay. Review the rules for using commas, especially in complex sentences, to maintain clarity. Consider seeking feedback or proofreading to identify and correct any punctuation inconsistencies. Additionally, focus on refining your sentence structure to eliminate any ambiguity and improve overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar and punctuation, there is room for improvement in the variety of sentence structures and fine-tuning grammatical details for increased precision and clarity. Keep practicing diverse sentence construction and pay attention to grammatical nuances to elevate the overall quality of your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

When it comes to music, I am a passionate enthusiast. I frequently indulge in it during leisure moments, especially when I am in a joyful mood. My musical preferences lean towards compositions that are melodious, sweet, and evoke a sense of tranquility. Consequently, I opt for ‘Light’ by BTS. This song left a lasting impression on me; upon initial exposure, I found it exceptional.

Upon listening, I conjure a narrative about the pivotal role of ARMY in BANGTAN (BTS), as they serve as the guiding light toward BTS’s success. In moments of darkness, as we close our eyes, the entirety of the BTS sky is illuminated by ARMY. Even in the instances where time seems to stand still, music serves as the unifying force. Persist unwaveringly, free from apprehension, for you are my beacon of light.

Recognizing the imperfection inherent in every individual, there is a current awareness that music will perpetually unite us. Upon listening to this soothing and comforting song, the narrative I envision unfolds. In conclusion, I assure you that listening to this song, if you haven’t already, will not disappoint, given its inherent quality.

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