Computers are being used more and more in education. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your own opinion.
Computers are being used more and more in education. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages and give your own opinion.
In the modern era, computers play an indispensable part in every aspect of life, specifically in education. Teachers and students have at least a computer in their house, which is necessary for their work and study. This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend.
On the one hand, thanks to advanced technology, computer takes its effects particularly in educational area. First and foremost, teachers could make their lectures more lively and exciting, thanks to its effects set already on software such as: words, power points, charts….which help students to be interested in the lessons shown on these platforms. This can lead to the improvement in children’s academic results. Secondly, in terms of students, they can be active and independent of their study through their computers being connected with the Internet, where they may have an access to countless and invaluable materials, providing them with a variety of useful information related to their study, which might be attributed to their flying colors at school.
On the other hand, despite these aforementioned good sides, there are some negative developments which should not be overlooked. The first thing is using computers might distract students from their focus. The reason is nowadays computers associated with a lot of games and underage contents which make children addicted to them and not to spend their time on other things. Another disadvantage is deploying computers too much might increase in the criminal rate. This can be exemplified that users can register and use many apps on the computers, which can leak personal information and create opportunities for cheaters steal important information and easily take computer users’money.
In conclusion, computers used in education bring a lot of benefits such as the enhancement of teacher's teaching method quality as well as children’s study results. However, some disadvantages should be taken in consideration like the students’ distraction and the growth in the percentage of crime. A suggestion would be that schools should allow students to use computers to boost their learning skills but take some measures to limit their time and underage contents.
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Errors and Improvements:
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"computers play an indispensable part" -> "computers play an essential role"
Explanation: "Indispensable" is not incorrect, but "essential" is more commonly used in academic writing and maintains formality while expressing the same idea. -
"at least a computer in their house" -> "at least one computer in their household"
Explanation: "Household" is a more formal term than "house" in this context. Additionally, specifying "one computer" enhances clarity. -
"necessary for their work and study" -> "essential for their work and studies"
Explanation: "Essential" is a stronger term than "necessary" and fits better in formal writing. "Studies" is preferred over "study" to encompass the broader educational context. -
"This essay will discuss" -> "This essay aims to discuss"
Explanation: Replacing "will discuss" with "aims to discuss" maintains the academic tone while expressing the same intention more succinctly. -
"takes its effects" -> "exerts its influence"
Explanation: "Exerts its influence" is a more formal expression than "takes its effects" and fits better in academic writing. -
"words, power points, charts…" -> "words, PowerPoint presentations, charts…"
Explanation: "PowerPoint presentations" is the standard term for electronic slide presentations and is more formal than "power points." -
"which help students to be interested" -> "which engage students"
Explanation: "Engage" is a more precise and formal term than "help students to be interested." -
"This can lead to the improvement in children’s academic results" -> "This can lead to improved academic outcomes for children"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality while maintaining the original meaning. -
"in terms of students" -> "regarding students"
Explanation: "Regarding" is a more formal alternative to "in terms of." -
"active and independent of their study" -> "actively and independently engage in their studies"
Explanation: Enhancing clarity and formality by rephrasing the sentence. -
"where they may have an access" -> "where they may access"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrasing while maintaining clarity and formality. -
"countless and invaluable materials" -> "a plethora of invaluable resources"
Explanation: "Plethora" is a more sophisticated term than "countless," and "resources" is more precise than "materials." -
"related to their study" -> "relevant to their studies"
Explanation: "Relevant to their studies" is a more formal and precise phrase. -
"which might be attributed to their flying colors at school" -> "which may contribute to their academic success"
Explanation: "Flying colors" is an idiomatic expression that should be avoided in academic writing. "Academic success" is a more formal alternative. -
"there are some negative developments which should not be overlooked" -> "there are certain negative implications that should not be disregarded"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for formality and clarity. -
"The first thing is using computers might distract students" -> "Firstly, the use of computers might distract students"
Explanation: Introducing the first point in a structured and formal manner. -
"associated with a lot of games and underage contents" -> "associated with numerous games and inappropriate content"
Explanation: "Underage contents" is not precise; "inappropriate content" is more suitable and formal. -
"which make children addicted to them" -> "leading to addiction among children"
Explanation: Simplifying and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality. -
"not to spend their time on other things" -> "resulting in a lack of engagement in other activities"
Explanation: Enhancing formality and clarity by using more precise language. -
"Another disadvantage is deploying computers too much might increase in the criminal rate" -> "Another drawback is that excessive computer usage may contribute to an increase in criminal activity"
Explanation: Clarifying and restructuring the sentence for formality and precision. -
"This can be exemplified that users can register and use many apps on the computers" -> "This is exemplified by the fact that users can register and utilize numerous applications on computers"
Explanation: Enhancing formality and clarity by restructuring the sentence. -
"which can leak personal information and create opportunities for cheaters steal important information" -> "potentially resulting in the leakage of personal information and providing opportunities for hackers to steal sensitive data"
Explanation: Clarifying and formalizing the language to convey the risks more precisely. -
"take computer users’money" -> "defraud computer users"
Explanation: "Take computer users’ money" is overly simplistic; "defraud computer users" is a more formal and precise alternative. -
"bring a lot of benefits" -> "yield numerous benefits"
Explanation: "Yield numerous benefits" is a more formal expression than "bring a lot of benefits." -
"as well as children’s study results" -> "as well as academic outcomes for children"
Explanation: Using "academic outcomes" instead of "study results" enhances formality and precision. -
"some disadvantages should be taken in consideration" -> "some disadvantages should be taken into consideration"
Explanation: Correcting the preposition to maintain grammatical accuracy. -
"like the students’ distraction" -> "such as student distraction"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality. -
"the growth in the percentage of crime" -> "the increase in crime rates"
Explanation: "The growth in the percentage of crime" is awkward; "the increase in crime rates" is more formal and precise. -
"A suggestion would be that schools should allow students to use computers to boost their learning skills but take some measures to limit their time and underage contents." -> "One suggestion is for schools to permit computer usage to enhance students’ learning skills while implementing measures to regulate access and prevent exposure to inappropriate content."
Explanation: Restating the suggestion in a more formal and structured manner while maintaining clarity and precision.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of using computers in education, and it concludes with the writer’s opinion.
- How to improve: While the essay does address all parts of the question, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis and the specificity of examples provided. Encourage the writer to delve deeper into each aspect and provide more specific examples or evidence to support their points.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by acknowledging both the advantages and disadvantages of using computers in education and concluding with a suggestion.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity further, advise the writer to explicitly state their opinion in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Additionally, encourage them to provide stronger justifications for their stance.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of using computers in education but lacks depth in elaboration and support. Some examples are provided but could be further developed.
- How to improve: Recommend expanding on each point by providing more detailed explanations, examples, and possibly counterarguments to strengthen the argument. Encourage the writer to use specific evidence or research studies to support their claims.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of using computers in education. However, there are minor instances where the connection to the topic could be clearer.
- How to improve: Suggest maintaining a tighter focus on the topic by avoiding tangential discussions or unrelated examples. Encourage the writer to consistently tie their arguments back to the central theme of computer usage in education.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains coherence, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of position, development of ideas, and relevance to the topic. Encourage the writer to strengthen their argumentation through more specific examples, clearer articulation of their opinion, and deeper analysis of the advantages and disadvantages discussed.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction sets up the discussion of advantages and disadvantages of using computers in education, followed by separate paragraphs addressing each side. However, within the body paragraphs, there could be a more explicit use of transitions to smoothly guide the reader from one point to the next. For instance, clearer topic sentences could better signal the shift between discussing advantages and disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea. Additionally, use transition words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "On the other hand") to connect ideas within and between paragraphs, facilitating a smoother progression of thought.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into distinct paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the topic. However, some paragraphs could be more effectively organized to enhance coherence. For example, the second paragraph could be divided into two separate paragraphs—one discussing the advantages for teachers and another for students—to improve clarity and focus.
- How to improve: Aim for more focused paragraphs, each addressing a single main idea. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to ensure clarity and to maintain the reader’s attention. This will also allow for a more nuanced exploration of each point.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions ("On the one hand," "On the other hand") and demonstrative pronouns ("this," "these"). However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and strategic placement of cohesive devices to enhance coherence further. For instance, the essay could benefit from the use of more transitional phrases to signal shifts between ideas and paragraphs more explicitly.
- How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices beyond basic conjunctions and pronouns. Incorporate transitional phrases and adverbs (e.g., "Moreover," "Nevertheless") to establish logical connections between ideas and paragraphs more effectively. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain coherence and guide the reader smoothly through the argument.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a generally coherent structure, there are opportunities for improvement in enhancing logical organization, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more cohesive and compelling argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. It includes terms such as "indispensable," "lively," "exciting," "invaluable," and "distraction," which contribute to the lexical variety. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further to avoid repetition and enhance precision.
- How to improve: To improve lexical resource, the writer can incorporate more varied synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "advantages" and "disadvantages," they could employ alternatives like "benefits" and "drawbacks." Additionally, integrating specialized terminology related to technology in education, such as "educational software," "digital resources," or "cybersecurity concerns," would enrich the vocabulary.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs vocabulary precisely, such as in the usage of "invaluable materials" and "underage contents." However, there are instances of imprecise language, like "flying colors" and "increase in the criminal rate," where clearer terminology could enhance the essay’s effectiveness.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should strive for clarity and accuracy in their word choice. Instead of "flying colors," they could use "outstanding academic performance" or "excellent grades." Similarly, rather than "increase in the criminal rate," they could specify the potential consequences more precisely, such as "rise in cybercrimes" or "escalation of online fraud." Consulting a thesaurus or specialized dictionaries can aid in finding more precise vocabulary for specific contexts.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with minimal errors. However, there are a few instances of misspellings, such as "cheaters steal" (should be "cheaters stealing") and "computer users’money" (should be "computer users’ money"). While these errors do not significantly impede understanding, improving spelling accuracy would enhance the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, paying close attention to commonly misspelled words and punctuation. Utilizing spell-check tools and seeking feedback from peers or educators can also help identify and correct errors effectively. Additionally, developing a habit of reviewing and revising written work systematically can contribute to improved spelling proficiency over time.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, there is a mix of simple sentences such as "This essay will discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend" and compound-complex sentences like "First and foremost, teachers could make their lectures more lively and exciting, thanks to its effects set already on software such as: words, power points, charts…". However, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures further to enhance coherence and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enrich the essay’s expression and improve coherence, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. For instance, introduce more complex sentences with subordinate clauses or utilize rhetorical devices like parallelism or inversion. Varying the length and complexity of sentences will enhance the overall fluency and effectiveness of the essay.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a fairly good grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inconsistencies throughout the essay. For example, there are errors in subject-verb agreement ("computers takes its effects") and punctuation errors like missing commas in compound sentences ("On the one hand, thanks to advanced technology, computer takes its effects particularly in educational area").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review and revise sentences for subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and proper use of punctuation marks. Proofreading the essay carefully after writing can help identify and correct such errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or tutors to pinpoint recurring mistakes and focus on areas needing improvement. Engaging in grammar exercises and referring to grammar guides can also be beneficial in enhancing grammatical accuracy.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy, further diversification of sentence structures and meticulous attention to grammar and punctuation would elevate the clarity and sophistication of the writing, potentially leading to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the contemporary world, computers play an essential role in various spheres of life, particularly in education. Most households have at least one computer, which is essential for work and studies. This essay aims to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this growing trend.
On the positive side, computers exert their influence significantly in education. Firstly, they enable teachers to deliver dynamic and engaging lectures through the use of software such as words, PowerPoint presentations, and charts. These tools effectively capture students’ attention, leading to improved academic outcomes. Secondly, students can actively and independently engage in their studies by accessing a plethora of invaluable resources on the Internet relevant to their studies. This access to diverse information contributes to their academic success.
However, despite these advantages, there are certain negative implications that should not be disregarded. Firstly, the use of computers might distract students, as they are often associated with numerous games and inappropriate content. This can lead to addiction among children, resulting in a lack of engagement in other activities. Another drawback is that excessive computer usage may contribute to an increase in criminal activity. For instance, users can register and utilize numerous applications on computers, potentially resulting in the leakage of personal information and providing opportunities for hackers to steal sensitive data or defraud computer users.
In conclusion, while the use of computers in education yields numerous benefits, such as enhanced teaching methods and improved academic outcomes for children, some disadvantages should be taken into consideration, such as student distraction and the potential increase in crime rates. One suggestion is for schools to permit computer usage to enhance students’ learning skills while implementing measures to regulate access and prevent exposure to inappropriate content.
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