correct this essay

Dear Valued Candidate,

I appreciate you taking the time to meet with us to discuss career opportunities at Namia River Retreat. Your interest, experience background and skills are highly appreciated.

I am writing to let you know that we have selected the candidate whom we believe most closely matches the job requirements of the position.

However, we will keep your application on file for consideration if there is a future opening that may be a fit for you.

We do appreciate that you are interested in our company. Please do apply again in the future should you see a job posting for which you qualify.

Best wishes in your job search.

Regards,

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Dear Valued Candidate," -> "Dear Candidate,"
Explanation: The term "Valued" is redundant in this context, as "Candidate" already implies a level of value. Removing it simplifies the salutation without altering the meaning, aligning better with formal academic style.
"I appreciate you taking the time" -> "I appreciate your taking the time"
Explanation: The possessive form "your" is grammatically correct here, as it refers to the candidate’s action of taking time. This correction maintains grammatical accuracy and formality.
"interest, experience background and skills" -> "interest, background, and skills"
Explanation: Removing the comma after "interest" corrects the grammatical structure, aligning with the standard use of commas in lists. This also enhances readability and formality.
"whom we believe most closely matches" -> "who best matches"
Explanation: "Whom" is correctly used for the object of a verb, but in this context, "who" is more appropriate as it is the subject of the sentence. Additionally, "most closely matches" is redundant; "best matches" is more direct and concise.
"keep your application on file" -> "retain your application for future consideration"
Explanation: "Retain" is a more formal verb than "keep," and "for future consideration" provides a clearer purpose for retaining the application, enhancing the formality and specificity of the language.
"Please do apply again" -> "Please consider reapplying"
Explanation: "Please do apply again" is somewhat informal and slightly awkward. "Please consider reapplying" is more formal and natural in an academic or professional context.
"Best wishes in your job search" -> "Best wishes for your job search"
Explanation: The phrase "Best wishes" is typically followed by "for" rather than "in," which is more appropriate in this context, aligning with formal expression.
"Regards," -> "Sincerely,"
Explanation: "Regards" is less formal than "Sincerely," which is the standard closing for formal business and academic correspondence, enhancing the professionalism of the letter.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does not fully address the prompt, which requires a correction of the provided text. Instead, it presents a response to a job candidate, which is not relevant to the task of correcting an essay. The prompt likely intended for the writer to identify grammatical errors, awkward phrasing, or structural issues within the provided text. The lack of engagement with the actual task results in a low score.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should focus on identifying specific errors in the original text. This includes correcting grammar, punctuation, and clarity issues. A structured approach could involve breaking down the text paragraph by paragraph, highlighting errors, and providing corrected versions.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear position because it does not take a stance on the task of correction. Instead, it presents a standard response to a job applicant, which does not align with the requirement to correct the essay. There is no indication of the writer’s perspective or intent regarding the task.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their intention to correct the essay. This could involve an introductory sentence that outlines the purpose of the correction, followed by a systematic approach to addressing each issue in the text.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay fails to present, extend, or support ideas related to the task of correction. Instead, it merely reproduces a response to a candidate without any analysis or elaboration on the original text’s issues. There are no examples or explanations provided that would demonstrate an understanding of the necessary corrections.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should analyze the original text for errors and provide corrections along with explanations. For instance, if there is a grammatical error, the writer should point it out and explain why the correction is necessary. This not only shows understanding but also enhances the quality of the response.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay deviates significantly from the topic, as it does not engage with the task of correcting the provided text. Instead, it presents a job rejection letter, which is unrelated to the prompt. This lack of focus on the topic is a critical weakness.
- How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should ensure that their response directly addresses the prompt. This can be achieved by carefully reading the prompt and ensuring that all content produced is relevant to the task at hand. A good practice would be to outline the key points that need correction before drafting the response.

In summary, the essay’s failure to address the prompt, present a clear position, support ideas, and stay on topic has resulted in a low band score. To improve, the writer should focus on correcting the original text by identifying errors, providing clear explanations, and ensuring that all content is relevant to the task of correction.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured in a logical manner, with a clear progression from the introduction of the purpose of the letter to the conclusion. The opening acknowledges the candidate’s effort, which sets a positive tone. The middle section succinctly communicates the decision regarding the application, and the closing encourages future applications. However, the transition between acknowledging the candidate’s interest and informing them of the decision could be smoother to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas more fluidly. For example, after expressing appreciation for the candidate’s interest, a phrase like "Unfortunately, after careful consideration," could better signal the shift to the decision about their application.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph serving a distinct purpose. The first paragraph introduces the context, the second communicates the decision, and the third encourages future engagement. However, the paragraphs could be more clearly delineated with additional spacing or indentation to enhance readability.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph is visually distinct. Adding a line break between paragraphs or indenting the first line of each new paragraph can help readers follow the structure more easily. Additionally, consider expanding the second paragraph to include a brief rationale for the decision, which would provide more context and depth.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices, such as "however" and "please," to connect sentences and ideas. These devices help maintain coherence, but the range is somewhat limited. For instance, the use of "however" could be complemented by other devices like "in addition," "furthermore," or "consequently" to enhance the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, when transitioning from the decision to the encouragement for future applications, you could use "Moreover," to introduce the idea of keeping the application on file. This would not only improve the variety but also strengthen the connections between ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions can elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the communication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The vocabulary used in the essay is generally appropriate for the context of a formal job rejection letter. Phrases such as "career opportunities," "selected the candidate," and "future opening" demonstrate a basic range of vocabulary relevant to the subject matter. However, the essay lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. For instance, the repeated use of "appreciate" could be replaced with synonyms like "value" or "recognize" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer should consider incorporating more varied expressions and synonyms. For example, instead of saying "highly appreciated," one could say "greatly valued" or "sincerely acknowledged." Additionally, using phrases like "we are grateful for your interest" instead of repeating "appreciate" would enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances where the word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "experience background" is somewhat awkward; it would be more precise to say "background and experience" or simply "experience." Furthermore, the phrase "may be a fit for you" could be more formally expressed as "may be suitable for you."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on the correct collocations and phrases commonly used in formal communication. For instance, instead of "we will keep your application on file," one could say "we will retain your application for future consideration." This not only improves clarity but also aligns better with formal writing standards.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no obvious errors present. Words such as "candidate," "appreciate," and "application" are all spelled correctly. However, the overall impression is somewhat diminished by the lack of attention to punctuation and formatting, which can affect the readability and professionalism of the letter.
- How to improve: To improve spelling and overall presentation, the writer should proofread the essay carefully to ensure that all words are spelled correctly and that punctuation is used appropriately. Additionally, using tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers can help catch any minor errors that may have been overlooked. Paying attention to the formatting of the letter, such as consistent spacing and paragraph structure, will also enhance its overall professionalism.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of formal vocabulary and structure, there is significant room for improvement in terms of lexical range, precision, and overall presentation. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and maintaining correct spelling and formatting, the writer can elevate their writing to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as the use of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "I appreciate you taking the time to meet with us to discuss career opportunities at Namia River Retreat" effectively combines clauses to convey a complete thought. However, the overall range of structures is somewhat limited, with many sentences following a similar pattern. This lack of diversity can make the writing feel monotonous and less engaging.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses or varying the sentence beginnings. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "I," try beginning some with phrases like "Given your experience," or "In light of your skills." Additionally, using different types of sentences, such as questions or exclamatory sentences, can add interest and complexity to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity and professionalism. For example, the phrase "experience background" should be corrected to "background and experience" for proper word order and clarity. Additionally, the sentence "Your interest, experience background and skills are highly appreciated" lacks a comma before "and," which is necessary for proper punctuation in a list. Furthermore, the phrase "should you see a job posting for which you qualify" could be rephrased for clarity and conciseness.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully for common errors, such as misplaced commas and awkward phrasing. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also help identify mistakes. Additionally, practicing sentence restructuring can help clarify meaning and improve fluency. For instance, revising "We do appreciate that you are interested in our company" to "We appreciate your interest in our company" would enhance clarity and conciseness.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic command of grammatical structures, there is room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By focusing on these areas, the overall quality of the writing can be significantly enhanced.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Dear Valued Candidate,**

I appreciate your taking the time to meet with us to discuss career opportunities at Namia River Retreat. Your interest, background, and skills are highly valued.

I am writing to inform you that we have selected the candidate who best matches the job requirements for the position.

However, we will retain your application for future consideration should there be an opening that aligns with your qualifications.

We sincerely appreciate your interest in our company. Please consider reapplying in the future if you see a job posting for which you qualify.

Best wishes for your job search.

**Sincerely,**