Countries such as China, India, and Japan have unsustainable population growths. In fact many experts are of the opinion that the population ‘explosion’ which is now a very worrying concern, is the most serious threat to life on the planet. Give some suggestions to address this problem.

Countries such as China, India, and Japan have unsustainable population growths. In fact many experts are of the opinion that the population 'explosion' which is now a very worrying concern, is the most serious threat to life on the planet.
Give some suggestions to address this problem.

Overpopulation is one of the most alarming issues that seriously affect the quality of human’s life and the environment, that is why some Asian countries such as China, India and Japan have to encounter and find solutions for this problems. This essay will present the solution to address this pressing concern.

To begin with, overpopulation could be mitigated by implementing a new law. This law controls the number of borned children and control the number of members in each family at least ranging from 3 to 4 members. This means that the amount of consumed essential goods in each family could decrease an could be shared more consumable goods for other families and the supported budget from government to each family can be decrease and spend them for other aspects. However, in case of having more than 4 member in each family, this family must have hefty fines and taxes for each new member they born. Eventually, this family have to immigrate front center town or city to the countryside to stand aside the accommodation for other families. Thus, by enacting a new population law that could control the overpopulation situation.

A new law to avoid aggravating the overpopulation is that restricting and limiting child marriage and raise the legal age of marriage. This is done by raising the legal age of marriage in males is more than 22 ages and in that of females is more than 20 ages. By doing this, the number of new legal couples would decrease and the time to appear a newborn or new individual will be longer, which ameliorate the overpopulation slowly and make this tendency last longer. This law should be implemented strictly and have strong hefty fines if people disobey it.

In conclusion, by doing these new laws, people will be aware of the seriousness of the issues and obey the rules. The government should enact new strict laws to have the massive reduction of overpopulation in the country.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "alarming issues" -> "serious issues"
   Explanation: The term "alarming" may convey a sense of emotional urgency that is less suitable for academic writing. "Serious" maintains a formal tone and is more precise in describing the gravity of the issues.

2. "that is why" -> "therefore"
   Explanation: "Therefore" is a more formal transitional phrase that effectively links the preceding statement to the subsequent explanation, enhancing the academic tone.

3. "have to encounter and find solutions for this problems" -> "must address and find solutions to this problem"
   Explanation: "Must address" is more direct and formal than "have to encounter," and "solutions to this problem" corrects the grammatical error and improves clarity.

4. "borned" -> "born"
   Explanation: "Borned" is a misspelling and incorrect form. "Born" is the correct form of the verb.

5. "control the number of members in each family at least ranging from 3 to 4 members" -> "limit family size to a minimum of three to four members"
   Explanation: "Limit family size" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of controlling the number of family members.

6. "could decrease an could be shared more consumable goods" -> "could reduce consumption and make more goods available"
   Explanation: "Reduce consumption and make more goods available" is clearer and more formal, avoiding the awkward and incorrect construction "could decrease an could be shared more consumable goods."

7. "the supported budget from government to each family can be decrease" -> "government support to each family could be reduced"
   Explanation: "Government support to each family could be reduced" corrects the grammatical error and improves the flow of the sentence.

8. "have to immigrate front center town or city to the countryside" -> "must relocate from urban centers to rural areas"
   Explanation: "Must relocate from urban centers to rural areas" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward and incorrect "immigrate front center town or city."

9. "stand aside the accommodation for other families" -> "vacate their accommodations for other families"
   Explanation: "Vacate their accommodations" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea of leaving one’s residence.

10. "enacting a new population law" -> "enacting new population laws"
    Explanation: "New population laws" is grammatically correct and more specific, indicating multiple laws rather than a single law.

11. "raising the legal age of marriage in males is more than 22 ages" -> "raising the legal age of marriage for males to 22 years"
    Explanation: "To 22 years" corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the intended meaning.

12. "ameliorate the overpopulation slowly" -> "slowly alleviate overpopulation"
    Explanation: "Slowly alleviate overpopulation" is a more natural and formal way to express the gradual reduction of overpopulation.

13. "have strong hefty fines" -> "impose substantial fines"
    Explanation: "Impose substantial fines" is more formal and precise than "have strong hefty fines," which is somewhat colloquial.

14. "people will be aware of the seriousness of the issues and obey the rules" -> "individuals will become aware of the gravity of these issues and comply with the regulations"
    Explanation: "Become aware of the gravity of these issues and comply with the regulations" uses more formal vocabulary and is more precise in describing the expected behavior.

15. "enact new strict laws" -> "enact stringent laws"
    Explanation: "Stringent laws" is a more formal and precise term than "strict laws," enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing overpopulation in countries like China, India, and Japan and proposes solutions to mitigate this issue. The author suggests implementing laws to control family size and restrict child marriage. However, while the solutions are relevant, the essay could benefit from a more comprehensive exploration of the problem’s implications and additional suggestions. For instance, it could discuss educational programs or economic incentives as alternative solutions.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should ensure that all aspects of the prompt are thoroughly addressed. This could involve expanding on the implications of overpopulation and providing a wider range of solutions, including social and educational measures that could complement the proposed laws.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that overpopulation is a significant issue requiring government intervention through strict laws. However, the clarity of the position could be undermined by the somewhat convoluted explanations and lack of logical flow between ideas. For example, the transition from discussing family size restrictions to child marriage laws could be smoother to reinforce the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the author should use topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph and ensure that each point logically follows from the previous one. Additionally, reinforcing the main argument in the conclusion can help to solidify the position throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to controlling population growth, such as family size limits and legal marriage ages. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat lacking. For instance, the rationale behind the proposed laws could be better articulated, and examples or data could be provided to strengthen the argument. The explanation of how these laws would effectively reduce overpopulation is also somewhat vague.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the author should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each proposed solution. Incorporating statistics or case studies from countries that have successfully implemented similar measures could lend credibility to the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on overpopulation and potential solutions. However, there are moments where the discussion could stray, particularly in the explanation of the consequences of overpopulation, which could be elaborated further to reinforce the urgency of the proposed solutions.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the central theme of overpopulation and its solutions. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the main argument in each section and avoiding tangential discussions that do not directly contribute to the essay’s purpose.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant solutions, it could benefit from clearer organization, more comprehensive support for ideas, and a broader exploration of the implications of overpopulation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction outlines the topic and states the purpose of the essay, which is to present solutions to overpopulation. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific solution, which helps maintain a logical flow. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the first solution (population control law) to the second solution (restricting child marriage) lacks a transitional phrase that would help the reader understand the connection between these ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph to indicate how the ideas relate to one another. For instance, phrases like "Another potential solution is…" or "In addition to this measure…" can help guide the reader through the essay’s arguments more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct idea. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the solutions, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into specific solutions. However, the second paragraph could be further divided to separate the explanation of the law from its implications, which would enhance clarity and readability.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones when discussing multiple aspects of a solution. This will help maintain focus and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "To begin with" and "In conclusion," which help to signal the structure of the essay. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances of repetition, such as the phrase "new law" appearing multiple times without variation. This can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Furthermore," "Additionally," or "Moreover" to introduce new points, and "Consequently" or "As a result" to indicate the effects of a proposed solution. This will not only enhance the cohesion of your writing but also make it more engaging for the reader.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant solutions, improving the logical flow, paragraph structure, and variety of cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of overpopulation, such as "overpopulation," "alarming issues," and "pressing concern." However, the vocabulary tends to be repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrase "new law" is used multiple times without synonyms or alternative expressions, which limits the lexical range.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "new law," alternatives like "legislation," "regulation," or "policy" could be utilized. Additionally, using phrases like "population control measures" or "demographic management" would add depth to the vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage in the essay. For example, the term "borned" is incorrect; the correct form is "born." Additionally, the phrase "the amount of consumed essential goods" could be more accurately expressed as "the consumption of essential goods." Such inaccuracies can lead to confusion and detract from the clarity of the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should review vocabulary choices and ensure they are grammatically correct and contextually appropriate. Utilizing resources such as a thesaurus or vocabulary lists specific to the topic can help in selecting the right words. Furthermore, proofreading for grammatical accuracy will enhance overall clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "borned" (should be "born"), "member" (should be "members"), and "decrease" (used incorrectly in context). These mistakes can undermine the professionalism of the writing and distract the reader from the content.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing exercises focused on commonly misspelled words. Additionally, using spell-check tools and proofreading the essay multiple times can help catch errors before submission. Reading the essay aloud may also assist in identifying spelling mistakes and awkward phrasing.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it largely relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, the opening sentence uses a complex structure but quickly reverts to simpler forms, such as "This means that the amount of consumed essential goods in each family could decrease." The use of phrases like "by doing this" and "to begin with" indicates an attempt to connect ideas, yet the overall range remains limited. The essay lacks more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or varied clause types, which could enhance the sophistication of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "This law controls the number of borned children," the writer could say, "This law, which aims to control the number of children born, is essential for managing population growth." Additionally, using varied sentence openings and integrating relative clauses can add depth to the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, "borned" is incorrect; the correct form is "born." The phrase "the amount of consumed essential goods" is awkwardly constructed and could be simplified to "the amount of essential goods consumed." Punctuation errors include the lack of commas in compound sentences, such as "This means that the amount of consumed essential goods in each family could decrease an could be shared more consumable goods for other families," which should read, "This means that the amount of essential goods consumed in each family could decrease, and more consumable goods could be shared among other families."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on common grammatical rules, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct forms of verbs. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can help identify recurring mistakes. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially for compound and complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading more academic essays can also provide insights into proper grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents relevant ideas, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will significantly elevate the writing quality and potentially increase the band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Overpopulation is one of the most alarming issues that seriously affects the quality of human life and the environment. Therefore, some Asian countries such as China, India, and Japan must address and find solutions to this problem. This essay will present suggestions to tackle this pressing concern.

To begin with, overpopulation could be mitigated by implementing a new law. This law would control the number of children born and limit family size to a minimum of three to four members. This means that the amount of essential goods consumed by each family could decrease, allowing more goods to be available for other families. Additionally, government support to each family could be reduced and spent on other aspects. However, in the case of having more than four members in each family, this family must face hefty fines and taxes for each new member they have. Eventually, this family may have to relocate from urban centers to rural areas to vacate their accommodations for other families. Thus, by enacting new population laws, we could control the overpopulation situation.

Another law to avoid aggravating overpopulation is to restrict and limit child marriage by raising the legal age of marriage. This could be done by raising the legal age of marriage for males to 22 years and for females to 20 years. By doing this, the number of new legal couples would decrease, and the time before a newborn appears would be longer, which could slowly alleviate overpopulation and make this trend last longer. This law should be implemented strictly, with substantial fines for those who disobey it.

In conclusion, by enacting these new laws, individuals will become aware of the gravity of these issues and comply with the regulations. The government must enact stringent laws to achieve a significant reduction in overpopulation in the country.