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Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful, but they are also likely to suffer from negative social consequences. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Countries with a long average working time are more economically successful, but they are also likely to suffer from negative social consequences. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

In many nations, longer average working time are often associated with greater economic success but this can be seen as a reason for the appearance of social impacts.From my perspective, I am inclined to the view that this phenomenon can lead to dire repercussions for both citizens and the whole community.
On the one hand, more working hours contribute to ecnomically successful. Firstly, when employees lengthen time at work, they will produce the large number of merchandises and services which not only generate more revenue for companies but also boost the nation’s GDP. For example, the developed countries such as South Korea and Japan, known for their dilligent workers so these countries achieved remarkable economic growth and became global economic powerhouses. Moreover, the increase in productivity might create more job opportunities, reducing unemployment rates. Since people founded suitable career, they can make their end meet and support their families. As a result, the crime rate wil decrease, result in a stable society where everyone works to enhance country’s economy.
On the other hand,the social aftermaths of prolonged time at work are evident. First of all, the main issue of extended time at enterprise can take a toll on people’s mental and physical health. This is because it can leave less time for their body to rest and for themselves to work out, causing severe health issues like some forms of depression, anxiety disorders. For example, the recent survey by experts showed that more than 80% of office workers suffer from office syndrome.Furthermore, intense work schedules may curb labourers’s time on social activities, leading to social isolation and weaken family bonds. To be more specific, parents who immerse in overwork usually lacking of time with their offsprings, especially activities such as have field trips together.
In conclusion,while extended working time may experience greater economic success, this phenomenon can be ascribed to a a number of problems for both individuals and society.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "longer average working time are" -> "longer average working hours"
    Explanation: "hours" is the correct plural form to use here, as it refers to a measurable quantity of time, not a singular concept. This correction aligns with formal academic language.

  2. "this can be seen as a reason for the appearance of social impacts" -> "this may be viewed as a factor contributing to social impacts"
    Explanation: "may be viewed as a factor contributing to" is more precise and academically appropriate than "can be seen as a reason for the appearance of," which is somewhat vague and informal.

  3. "I am inclined to the view that" -> "I am inclined to believe that"
    Explanation: "I am inclined to believe that" is a more natural and formal expression in academic writing, replacing the less formal "I am inclined to the view that."

  4. "more working hours contribute to ecnomically successful" -> "increased working hours contribute to economic success"
    Explanation: "increased working hours" is grammatically correct and clearer than "more working hours," and "economic success" is the correct term compared to the misspelled "ecnomically successful."

  5. "they will produce the large number of merchandises and services" -> "they will produce a large number of goods and services"
    Explanation: "goods and services" is the correct term, replacing "merchandises," which is less commonly used and sounds informal. Also, "a large number" is grammatically correct compared to "the large number."

  6. "not only generate more revenue for companies but also boost the nation’s GDP" -> "not only generate more revenue for companies but also increase the nation’s GDP"
    Explanation: "increase" is a more precise verb than "boost" in this context, as it directly relates to the quantitative aspect of GDP growth.

  7. "the increase in productivity might create more job opportunities" -> "the increased productivity may lead to more job opportunities"
    Explanation: "may lead to" is a more formal and precise expression than "might create," and "increased" is the correct form to describe a change in productivity.

  8. "people founded suitable career" -> "people find suitable careers"
    Explanation: "find" is the correct verb to use here, and "careers" should be plural to match the context of multiple job opportunities.

  9. "the crime rate wil decrease" -> "crime rates will decrease"
    Explanation: "crime rates" is the correct plural form, and "will" is the correct auxiliary verb for future tense in formal writing.

  10. "result in a stable society where everyone works to enhance country’s economy" -> "result in a stable society where everyone contributes to the country’s economy"
    Explanation: "contributes to the country’s economy" is more precise and formal than "works to enhance country’s economy," which is awkwardly phrased.

  11. "the main issue of extended time at enterprise" -> "the primary issue of extended working hours in enterprises"
    Explanation: "extended working hours in enterprises" is more specific and grammatically correct than "extended time at enterprise," which is vague and incorrect.

  12. "This is because it can leave less time for their body to rest" -> "This is because it leaves less time for their bodies to rest"
    Explanation: "leaves" is the correct form of the verb, and "bodies" should be plural to match the generalization implied.

  13. "lacking of time with their offsprings" -> "lacking time with their offspring"
    Explanation: "lacking time" is grammatically correct, and "offspring" should be singular as it refers to a general concept rather than multiple individuals.

  14. "have field trips together" -> "take field trips together"
    Explanation: "take" is the correct verb for the action of going on field trips, replacing the less formal "have."

  15. "this phenomenon can be ascribed to a a number of problems" -> "this phenomenon can be attributed to a number of problems"
    Explanation: "attributed to" is the correct phrase for causality, replacing "ascribed to," which is less commonly used in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the economic benefits of longer working hours and the social consequences. The first body paragraph effectively outlines the economic advantages, citing examples from South Korea and Japan. The second body paragraph discusses the negative social impacts, such as mental health issues and weakened family bonds. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement, as it currently leans more towards presenting both sides rather than taking a definitive stance.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Additionally, they could include a more nuanced discussion of the balance between economic success and social consequences, perhaps by acknowledging that while longer hours can lead to economic growth, this does not necessarily justify the social costs.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both sides of the argument but lacks a clear and consistent stance throughout. The introduction suggests an inclination towards the negative social impacts, yet the body paragraphs present strong arguments for both economic success and social consequences without clearly favoring one over the other.
    • How to improve: The writer should maintain a clear position by explicitly stating their agreement or disagreement in the introduction and ensuring that all arguments support this stance. This could involve framing the economic benefits as secondary to the social consequences or vice versa, depending on the writer’s true perspective.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas well, particularly in the economic benefits section, where it discusses productivity and job creation. However, the supporting examples could be more detailed and specific. For instance, while the mention of South Korea and Japan is relevant, the essay could benefit from more recent data or studies to substantiate the claims made about productivity and economic growth. The social consequences are also discussed but could be further developed with additional examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should include more specific examples and data to back up their claims. This could involve citing studies or statistics that illustrate the relationship between working hours and both economic success and social issues. Additionally, expanding on the implications of these examples would provide a deeper analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s focus on the relationship between working hours, economic success, and social consequences. However, there are moments where the connection could be clearer, particularly in the transition between economic benefits and social drawbacks. For example, the link between increased productivity and a decrease in crime rates is somewhat tenuous and could be better articulated.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by explicitly linking arguments to the central theme of the essay and avoiding any tangential points that do not support the main argument. Clear topic sentences for each paragraph that relate back to the thesis can help maintain focus throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and the writer’s perspective. Each body paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the argument: the first discusses the economic benefits of longer working hours, while the second focuses on the social consequences. However, the logical progression of ideas within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing economic success to social consequences could be more explicit to enhance the overall flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that directly relate to the thesis statement. Additionally, employing transition phrases such as "Conversely" or "On the other hand" at the beginning of the second body paragraph could help signal the shift in focus more effectively.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph dedicated to a specific point. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be refined. For example, the first body paragraph contains several ideas that could be better organized. The mention of South Korea and Japan could be introduced more smoothly, and the connection between increased productivity and reduced crime rates is somewhat abrupt.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Follow this with supporting sentences that elaborate on the topic sentence, ensuring that each idea flows logically into the next. Additionally, consider breaking down complex ideas into separate sentences for clarity.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to delineate contrasting points. However, there is a limited variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. For instance, the use of conjunctions and linking phrases is somewhat repetitive, which can detract from the overall cohesion of the text.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Moreover" to add information, and "However," "Nevertheless," or "Conversely" to introduce contrasting ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help to create a smoother flow of information.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, enhancing the logical flow, paragraph structure, and variety of cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety in word choice and expression. For instance, phrases like "greater economic success" and "longer average working time" are repeated without variation. Additionally, terms such as "diligent workers" and "economic powerhouses" are used effectively, but the overall vocabulary does not showcase a wide range of synonyms or more sophisticated expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "working time," alternatives like "working hours," "labor hours," or "employment duration" could be employed. Additionally, using phrases like "economic prosperity" or "financial growth" instead of "economic success" would enrich the vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the essay. For example, the phrase "the large number of merchandises" is awkward; "a large number of goods" or simply "many products" would be more appropriate. Similarly, "the crime rate wil decrease, result in a stable society" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The intended meaning is lost due to the imprecise phrasing.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. It would be beneficial to revise sentences for clarity and grammatical correctness. For instance, the sentence could be rephrased to: "As a result, the crime rate will decrease, contributing to a more stable society." Additionally, using a thesaurus can help find more precise vocabulary.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that impact readability and professionalism. Examples include "ecnomic" (economic), "dilligent" (diligent), "wil" (will), "labourers’s" (laborers’), and "offsprings" (offspring). These errors suggest a lack of attention to detail and can detract from the overall impression of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises or flashcards can reinforce correct spelling of commonly used words.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, there are significant areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can elevate their score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of conditional phrases ("if…") and introductory phrases ("On the one hand," "On the other hand") shows an attempt to create a more sophisticated argument. However, the overall range remains limited, with many sentences following a similar structure, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. For example, the sentence "more working hours contribute to economically successful" lacks clarity and complexity, which detracts from the overall effectiveness of the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice using different types of clauses and phrases. Incorporating relative clauses (e.g., "which lead to…") and more varied conjunctions (e.g., "although," "despite") can help create more complex sentences. Additionally, varying the placement of adverbials can add interest. For example, instead of starting many sentences with "this" or "more," the writer could begin with a dependent clause or a transitional phrase to create a smoother flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity and coherence. For instance, "longer average working time are often associated" should be "longer average working times are often associated," which demonstrates subject-verb agreement. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas after introductory phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," should be followed by a comma). The phrase "the crime rate wil decrease, result in a stable society" is a run-on sentence that lacks proper conjunctions and punctuation to separate the clauses.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, ensuring that singular and plural forms match correctly. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these rules. For punctuation, the writer should review the rules for commas, particularly in complex sentences and after introductory phrases. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where punctuation is needed or where sentences may be too long and need to be broken up for clarity.

By addressing these areas of grammatical range and accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future IELTS essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many nations, longer average working hours are often associated with greater economic success, but this can be seen as a reason for the appearance of social impacts. From my perspective, I am inclined to believe that this phenomenon can lead to dire repercussions for both citizens and the whole community.

On the one hand, longer working hours contribute to economic success. Firstly, when employees spend more time at work, they will produce a large number of goods and services, which not only generate more revenue for companies but also increase the nation’s GDP. For example, developed countries such as South Korea and Japan, known for their diligent workers, have achieved remarkable economic growth and become global economic powerhouses. Moreover, the increased productivity may lead to more job opportunities, reducing unemployment rates. Since people find suitable careers, they can make ends meet and support their families. As a result, crime rates will decrease, resulting in a stable society where everyone contributes to the country’s economy.

On the other hand, the social consequences of prolonged working hours are evident. First of all, the primary issue of extended working hours in enterprises can take a toll on people’s mental and physical health. This is because it leaves less time for their bodies to rest and for themselves to work out, causing severe health issues like some forms of depression and anxiety disorders. For example, a recent survey by experts showed that more than 80% of office workers suffer from office syndrome. Furthermore, intense work schedules may curb workers’ time for social activities, leading to social isolation and weakening family bonds. To be more specific, parents who immerse themselves in overwork usually lack time with their offspring, especially for activities such as taking field trips together.

In conclusion, while extended working hours may lead to greater economic success, this phenomenon can be attributed to a number of problems for both individuals and society.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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