Countries with a long average working time are more economically successfull than those countries which do not have a long working time. To what extend you agree or disagree?

Countries become more and more scheduled than those other countries due to a long period of work. Some people believe that working for the long term is more successful in the economy. However, others think it is due to the efficiency of work, not just the amount of time. This essay will elaborate on both sides of the matter before giving my final verdict on it.

On the one hand, working for the duration of a day can inevitably increase earnings, and productivity for employees and create a more flexible workforce. To begin with, employees are well acquainted with their duties and tasks because working overtime. As a result, an increase in their salary, and have more money for living expenses, and vacations. Moreover, working double times can allow employees to hone their skills, and gain more new experiences, since employers can have opportunities for raises and promotions.

On the other hand, working overtime can probably affect individuals’ personal lives as well as safety and health risks. Poor work-life balance due to unneeded or excessive overtime. Individuals who rigorously work have a 33% higher risk of developing coronary heart disease and a 42% higher risk of developing mental health. Furthermore, lack of satisfaction and enjoyment in young adults and middle-aged adults can lead to regrettable sense as they simply can not explore and discover the world before becoming old.

In conclusion, although working overtime may bring some short-term benefits, I am of the opinion that its effect would be lifelong.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Countries become more and more scheduled than those other countries" -> "Countries are increasingly scheduled compared to others"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version clarifies the comparison and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.
"due to a long period of work" -> "due to prolonged work periods"
Explanation: "Prolonged work periods" is a more precise and formal term that accurately describes the duration of work, enhancing the academic tone.
"Some people believe" -> "Some individuals contend"
Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal synonym for "believe," which is more appropriate for academic writing.
"working for the long term" -> "engaging in long-term work"
Explanation: "Engaging in long-term work" is a more precise and formal way to describe the nature of the work, aligning better with academic style.
"due to the efficiency of work, not just the amount of time" -> "attributable to the efficiency of work rather than solely the duration"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the distinction between the reasons and uses more formal language.
"working for the duration of a day" -> "working for extended periods of time"
Explanation: "Extended periods of time" is a more precise and formal expression than "the duration of a day," which is vague and informal.
"employees are well acquainted with their duties and tasks because working overtime" -> "employees become familiar with their duties and tasks through overtime work"
Explanation: This revision corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the causal relationship between overtime work and familiarity with duties.
"an increase in their salary, and have more money for living expenses, and vacations" -> "an increase in their salary, enabling them to allocate more funds for living expenses and vacations"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the relationship between salary increase and financial management, using more formal and precise language.
"working double times" -> "working double shifts"
Explanation: "Working double shifts" is the correct term for referring to working multiple shifts, which is more specific and appropriate in this context.
"since employers can have opportunities for raises and promotions" -> "as this can lead to opportunities for raises and promotions"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the causal relationship between overtime work and career advancement opportunities.
"working overtime can probably affect individuals’ personal lives" -> "overtime work may impact individuals’ personal lives"
Explanation: "May impact" is a more formal and precise expression than "can probably affect," aligning better with academic style.
"Poor work-life balance due to unneeded or excessive overtime" -> "Poor work-life balance resulting from unnecessary or excessive overtime"
Explanation: "Resulting from" is a more formal and precise phrase than "due to," enhancing the academic tone.
"Individuals who rigorously work" -> "Individuals who work rigorously"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revised version corrects the word order for clarity and formality.
"lack of satisfaction and enjoyment in young adults and middle-aged adults" -> "lack of satisfaction and enjoyment among young and middle-aged adults"
Explanation: "Among" is more appropriate than "in" when referring to groups, and the phrase is more formal and precise.
"simply can not explore and discover the world" -> "are unable to explore and discover the world"
Explanation: "Are unable to" is a more formal and precise way to express the inability to do something, improving the academic tone.
"becoming old" -> "as they age"
Explanation: "As they age" is a more formal and precise way to refer to the passage of time, fitting better in an academic context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding long working hours and economic success. However, it lacks a clear and direct response to the question of whether the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The introduction mentions both perspectives but does not clearly state the writer’s position until the conclusion. This ambiguity can confuse the reader about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction. A strong thesis statement that directly answers the question would help guide the reader. For example, the writer could say, "While long working hours can contribute to economic success, I believe that efficiency and work-life balance are more crucial for sustainable growth."
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat unclear position. While the conclusion suggests a belief against the notion that long working hours lead to economic success, the body paragraphs do not consistently reflect this stance. The first body paragraph focuses on the benefits of long working hours, which may lead readers to think the writer supports the idea rather than opposing it.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that each paragraph reinforces their main argument. They could use topic sentences that reflect their position and consistently refer back to this stance throughout the essay. For instance, if the writer disagrees with the statement, they should emphasize the drawbacks of long working hours in both body paragraphs.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas regarding the benefits and drawbacks of long working hours, but these ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the claim about increased earnings and productivity is made but lacks specific examples or data to substantiate it. Similarly, the health risks mentioned are significant but could be elaborated upon with more detail or examples.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should provide specific examples, statistics, or studies that support their claims. For instance, when discussing health risks, citing a study or report that quantifies these risks would strengthen the argument. Additionally, expanding on how work-life balance contributes to long-term economic success would provide a more comprehensive view.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relationship between working hours and economic success. However, some sentences could be more focused. For example, the mention of "lack of satisfaction and enjoyment in young adults" feels somewhat tangential and could be better tied back to the main argument about economic success.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. They could use transitional phrases to connect ideas back to the central argument. For example, when discussing personal life impacts, the writer could explicitly link these to potential economic consequences, such as decreased productivity or increased healthcare costs.

In summary, to achieve a higher band score, the writer should clarify their position early in the essay, ensure that all points support their stance, provide specific evidence for their claims, and maintain a strong focus on the prompt throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion by outlining the two perspectives on the relationship between working hours and economic success. However, the logical flow within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, in the first body paragraph, the transition from discussing increased earnings to employee skill development lacks a clear connective phrase, making the argument feel slightly disjointed.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each point within a paragraph is clearly linked to the main idea. Use transitional phrases such as "Furthermore," "In addition," or "Moreover" to connect ideas smoothly. Additionally, consider using topic sentences that clearly state the main point of each paragraph to guide the reader through your argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with a clear distinction between the pros and cons of long working hours. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which is a strength. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences and a more structured approach to presenting the negative impacts of long working hours.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, begin each paragraph with a strong topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For example, in the second body paragraph, a topic sentence like "While long working hours can lead to economic benefits, they also pose significant risks to individual well-being" would provide clarity. Additionally, ensure that each supporting sentence directly relates back to the topic sentence, reinforcing the main idea of the paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. However, the overall range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited. For instance, the use of conjunctions and linking phrases could be more varied to enhance the flow of ideas. There are instances where sentences could be better connected to improve readability.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "In contrast," "Conversely," or "Despite this" to introduce opposing ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help avoid repetition and create a smoother narrative flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, enhancing the logical organization, paragraph structure, and variety of cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary; however, the range is somewhat limited. For instance, phrases like "working for the long term" and "long period of work" are repetitive and could be expressed in more varied terms, such as "extended working hours" or "prolonged work schedules." Additionally, the use of "individuals" and "employees" is somewhat repetitive, which detracts from the overall lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "working overtime," alternatives like "extended hours," "excessive work," or "prolonged shifts" could be used. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises can help diversify word choice.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used correctly, there are instances of imprecise usage that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "working for the duration of a day" is vague and could be more accurately expressed as "working long hours." Additionally, the term "double times" is unclear; it would be better to say "working double shifts" or "working extra hours." The phrase "regrettable sense" is also awkward and does not convey a clear meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and ensuring that terms are commonly understood in the context they are used. Reading more academic essays can provide insight into precise vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "successfull" (should be "successful") and "extend" (should be "extent"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Practicing writing and reviewing spelling rules can help reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at using vocabulary, it falls short in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on diversifying word choice, selecting precise vocabulary, and improving spelling through careful proofreading, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduces contrasting ideas. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward constructions, such as "working for the duration of a day can inevitably increase earnings," which could be expressed in a more varied manner. The phrase "working double times" is also somewhat awkward and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses and varied conjunctions. For instance, instead of saying "working for the duration of a day can inevitably increase earnings," the writer could say, "Although working long hours can increase earnings, it may also lead to detrimental effects on personal well-being." Practicing the use of different sentence beginnings and integrating relative clauses can also enhance the range.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "working for the long term is more successful in the economy" should be rephrased for clarity, possibly as "working long hours contributes more significantly to economic success." Additionally, the sentence "As a result, an increase in their salary, and have more money for living expenses, and vacations" is grammatically incorrect; it should be restructured to maintain parallelism, such as "As a result, they experience an increase in salary, which provides them with more money for living expenses and vacations." There are also missing articles and prepositions, such as "working overtime can probably affect individuals’ personal lives as well as safety and health risks," which could be improved by specifying "the safety and health risks."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, correct use of articles, and punctuation rules. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, can be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation, especially around conjunctions and lists, will help to enhance clarity and correctness. Reading more academic texts can also provide examples of proper grammar and punctuation usage.

Overall, while the essay presents a coherent argument and addresses the prompt, enhancing the variety of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will be essential for achieving a higher band score in the IELTS writing assessment.

Bài sửa mẫu

Countries are increasingly scheduled compared to others due to prolonged work periods. Some individuals contend that engaging in long-term work leads to greater economic success. However, others argue that this success is attributable to the efficiency of work rather than solely the duration. This essay will elaborate on both sides of the matter before presenting my final verdict.

On the one hand, working for extended periods can inevitably increase earnings and productivity for employees, creating a more flexible workforce. To begin with, employees become familiar with their duties and tasks through overtime work. As a result, they may experience an increase in their salary, enabling them to allocate more funds for living expenses and vacations. Moreover, working double shifts can allow employees to hone their skills and gain new experiences, as this can lead to opportunities for raises and promotions.

On the other hand, working overtime may impact individuals’ personal lives, as well as pose safety and health risks. Poor work-life balance resulting from unnecessary or excessive overtime can be detrimental. Individuals who work rigorously have a 33% higher risk of developing coronary heart disease and a 42% higher risk of facing mental health issues. Furthermore, a lack of satisfaction and enjoyment among young and middle-aged adults can lead to a regrettable sense of unfulfillment, as they are unable to explore and discover the world as they age.

In conclusion, although working overtime may bring some short-term benefits, I am of the opinion that its long-term effects can be detrimental to individuals’ overall well-being and life satisfaction.