Currently, many students at all levels of education have been participating in part-time jobs outside to meet their personal needs, help their parents and families, and manage their finances. That also brings knowledge and skills for real life, so below our team will give some suggestions on part-time jobs that students can choose from. If you think it is appropriate, you can consider:

Currently, many students at all levels of education have been participating in part-time jobs outside to meet their personal needs, help their parents and families, and manage their finances. That also brings knowledge and skills for real life, so below our team will give some suggestions on part-time jobs that students can choose from. If you think it is appropriate, you can consider:

Currently, many students at all levels of education have been participating in part-time jobs outside to meet their personal needs, help their parents and families, and manage their finances. That also brings knowledge and skills for real life, so below our team will give some suggestions on part-time jobs that students can choose from. If you think it is appropriate, you can consider:

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Currently, many students at all levels of education" -> "Currently, numerous students across various educational levels"
   Explanation: Replacing "many" with "numerous" enhances the formality and specificity of the statement, while "across various educational levels" provides a clearer and more precise description of the scope of students involved.

2. "have been participating in part-time jobs outside" -> "engage in part-time employment outside of their studies"
   Explanation: "Engage in" is more formal than "participate in," and "employment" is a more precise term than "jobs." Additionally, "outside of their studies" clarifies the context more accurately than "outside."

3. "to meet their personal needs, help their parents and families, and manage their finances" -> "to fulfill personal needs, support their families, and manage their finances"
   Explanation: "Fulfill" is more formal than "meet," and "support" is a more precise term than "help" in the context of family assistance. This revision also maintains a consistent verb tense throughout the list.

4. "That also brings knowledge and skills for real life" -> "This also enhances their knowledge and skills for real-world applications"
   Explanation: "This" is more appropriate than "That" in referring back to the preceding clause, and "enhances" is more precise than "brings." "Real-world applications" is a more formal and specific phrase than "real life."

5. "so below our team will give some suggestions on part-time jobs that students can choose from" -> "therefore, our team will provide recommendations on suitable part-time jobs for students to consider"
   Explanation: "Therefore" is a more formal transitional word than "so," and "provide recommendations" is more specific and formal than "give some suggestions." "Suitable" is also more precise than "some," and "for students to consider" clarifies the intended audience and purpose.

6. "If you think it is appropriate, you can consider" -> "If you deem it appropriate, you may consider"
   Explanation: "Deem" is a more formal verb than "think," and "may" is more appropriate in academic writing than "can" when suggesting an option. This change also maintains a formal tone suitable for academic discourse.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 2

Band Score for Task Response: 2 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay fails to address the prompt effectively. While it introduces the topic of students participating in part-time jobs, it does not provide any suggestions or examples of such jobs, which is a critical part of the task. The phrase "below our team will give some suggestions" suggests that the writer intends to list suggestions, but this is not fulfilled in the provided text.
  • How to improve: To address all parts of the question, the essay should include specific examples of part-time jobs suitable for students. The writer should explicitly list these jobs and explain why they are appropriate, considering factors such as flexibility, skill development, and financial benefits.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear position. While it states that students are participating in part-time jobs, it does not articulate a stance on whether this is beneficial or detrimental. The introduction hints at a positive view but does not develop this perspective throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint on part-time jobs for students in the introduction and reinforce this stance in subsequent paragraphs. Including a thesis statement that outlines the benefits or drawbacks of part-time work would help clarify the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay does not present or extend any ideas beyond the introductory statement. There are no supporting details, examples, or explanations provided to develop the initial claim about students working part-time. This lack of elaboration significantly weakens the essay.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to develop their ideas by providing specific examples of part-time jobs and discussing their advantages. Each job mentioned could be supported with reasons why it is suitable for students, such as the skills gained or the flexibility offered.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay begins on topic but quickly veers off by failing to provide the promised suggestions. The lack of content means that there is no opportunity for the writer to stray from the topic, but it also indicates a failure to engage with the prompt fully.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to addressing the prompt. After the introduction, the essay should consist of several paragraphs that each focus on a specific part-time job, discussing its relevance to students.

In summary, the essay needs significant development to meet the requirements of the Task Response criteria. Addressing all parts of the question, presenting a clear position, elaborating on ideas with supporting details, and maintaining focus on the topic are essential areas for improvement.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay begins with a general statement about students engaging in part-time jobs, but it lacks a clear logical progression of ideas. The introduction does not effectively set up the main points that will follow, making it difficult for the reader to anticipate the structure of the essay. For instance, the phrase "below our team will give some suggestions" suggests a list or examples, but the transition to this list is abrupt and lacks context.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, start with a clear thesis statement that outlines the main points to be discussed. Consider using an introductory paragraph that not only states the topic but also previews the specific suggestions or arguments that will follow. This could be structured as: "This essay will explore the benefits of part-time jobs for students and provide examples of suitable job options."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay does not utilize paragraphs effectively. It reads as a single block of text, which can overwhelm the reader and obscure the main ideas. Each point or suggestion should ideally be presented in its own paragraph to allow for clearer development of ideas. For instance, if the essay were to suggest specific types of part-time jobs, each job could be discussed in a separate paragraph.
  • How to improve: Implement a clear paragraph structure by starting each new idea or suggestion with a new paragraph. Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on that idea. For example, if discussing a specific job, the first sentence could state the job type, followed by details on its benefits and relevance to students.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which are essential for guiding the reader through the text. There are few linking words or phrases that connect ideas, making the text feel disjointed. For instance, transitions between the introduction and the anticipated list of suggestions are missing, leading to a lack of fluidity.
  • How to improve: To improve cohesion, incorporate a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore," "in addition") and referencing (e.g., "this," "these") to connect sentences and ideas. For example, after introducing a suggestion, you could add, "Furthermore, this job can help students develop essential skills such as time management." This will create a smoother flow and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion. Focus on organizing ideas logically, utilizing effective paragraphing, and employing a range of cohesive devices to improve clarity and readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary related to the topic of part-time jobs. Phrases like "personal needs," "help their parents and families," and "manage their finances" show some variety; however, the overall vocabulary is quite limited and repetitive. For instance, the term "part-time jobs" is used multiple times without synonyms or variations, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "part-time jobs," you could use "temporary employment," "casual work," or "flexible job opportunities." Additionally, integrating more descriptive adjectives or adverbs can add depth to your writing.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary used in the essay is generally appropriate for the context, but there are instances where word choice could be improved for precision. For example, the phrase "knowledge and skills for real life" is somewhat vague. While it conveys a general idea, it lacks specificity regarding what kind of knowledge and skills are being referred to.
  • How to improve: Aim for more precise language by specifying the types of knowledge and skills gained from part-time jobs. For instance, you could say "practical skills such as time management and customer service" instead of the general "knowledge and skills for real life." This not only clarifies your point but also demonstrates a stronger command of vocabulary.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay does not contain any spelling errors, which indicates a good level of spelling accuracy. This is a positive aspect that contributes to the overall clarity of the writing.
  • How to improve: While spelling is accurate, it is beneficial to maintain this standard consistently. To further enhance spelling skills, consider practicing with vocabulary lists relevant to common IELTS topics or using spelling apps that can help reinforce correct spelling through quizzes and exercises.

In summary, to improve your Lexical Resource score, focus on expanding your vocabulary range, using more precise language, and maintaining your spelling accuracy. Engaging with a variety of texts and practicing writing with diverse vocabulary will help you achieve these goals.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking the complexity that would showcase a wider grammatical range. For instance, the opening sentences are straightforward and do not employ any advanced structures, such as relative clauses or conditional sentences. The phrase "that also brings knowledge and skills for real life" is an example of a simple clause but does not integrate more complex structures that could enhance the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, you could revise the sentence to include a conditional structure: "If students engage in part-time jobs, they not only meet their personal needs but also gain valuable skills for real life." This would demonstrate a more sophisticated command of grammar.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation issues. The phrase "participating in part-time jobs outside to meet their personal needs" could be clearer; the use of "outside" is vague and may confuse readers. Additionally, the sentence "That also brings knowledge and skills for real life" lacks a clear subject, which can lead to ambiguity. The use of commas is also minimal, which can hinder the flow of the text.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on clarity and specificity in your writing. For example, instead of saying "outside," specify the context, such as "in addition to their studies." Also, ensure that each sentence has a clear subject and verb. To improve punctuation, practice using commas to separate clauses and enhance readability. For instance, "Many students at all levels of education have been participating in part-time jobs, which helps them meet their personal needs and manage their finances." This revision clarifies the relationship between ideas and improves the overall flow of the essay.

By addressing these areas, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Currently, numerous students across various educational levels engage in part-time employment outside of their studies to fulfill personal needs, support their families, and manage their finances. This also enhances their knowledge and skills for real-world applications. Therefore, our team will provide recommendations on suitable part-time jobs for students to consider. If you deem it appropriate, you may consider: