Đề 4: The length of working week does not reflect modern lifestyle needs. It should be substantially reduced to give people more leisure time and time with their families. How far do you agree with this statement?
Under the pressure of nowadays’ inflationary society, the length of working hours is showing an increasing trend to adapt to that sophisticated phenomenon. However, many people believe that the length of working time does not embody human’s longing in daily life. Therefore, it should be substantially diminished to provide people with more leisure time with their families. In my opinion, I strongly agree with this statement due to the fabulous benefits that this reduction brings.
To begin with, employees will have more time to foster their offspring comprehensively if their length of working week is lessened. Children are the future of the country so spending time nurturing and educating them plays an imperative role in the country's development. Unfortunately, many parents do not even know what their children usually do or their children’s interests and drawbacks due to working almost all day. Regarding the lack of parent’s care, a lot of children gradually deteriorate their values and even become a burden to society.
Another positive impact of eliminating a certain amount of working time is that employees can sustainably cultivate their family’s bliss. To put it similarly, family intimacy and closeness are built from listening and sharing each other’s daily events, which demands a particular amount of time. In fact, not many families can do that. A typical example is when the husband and wife come home after long stressful and exhausting working hours, they rarely talk to each other. Work has drained them of all positive energy! As a result, a load of spouses get divorced after long-lasting conflicts from less interaction every day.
Finally, decreasing the total time individuals work in a week empowers them to enjoy and embrace invaluable moments in their lives. To be specific, having a cozy dinner with family, visiting grandparents or hanging out with close friends, all need time to implement. These are simple things but are considered luxurious when people are overworked. In addition, it is essential to assess this one disastrous situation when an employee suffered a hectic schedule which inhibited her from visiting her sick grandfather in her hometown. In the end, she had to live in remorse for missing the chance to see her grandfather one last time.
In conclusion, due to the severe and irreversible influences that overloaded working hours bring, laborers deserve to diminish considerably the length of the working week. Only then people can have more time for nurturing their children, enhancing their family well-being and embracing priceless moments in their lives. However, to do that, it is necessary that not only each person needs to consciously oppose working overtime, but also the government needs to create favorable conditions for ensuring employee's welfare by issuing official documents in terms of shortening the working time.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"nowadays’ inflationary society" -> "contemporary inflationary society"
Explanation: Replacing "nowadays’" with "contemporary" and adjusting the phrase to "contemporary inflationary society" provides a more formal and precise description of the current economic conditions.
"increasing trend to adapt to that sophisticated phenomenon" -> "rising tendency to address this complex phenomenon"
Explanation: Substituting "increasing trend to adapt to" with "rising tendency to address" and replacing "sophisticated" with "complex" results in a more formal and academically appropriate expression of the idea.
"does not embody human’s longing in daily life" -> "does not align with human aspirations in daily life"
Explanation: Replacing "embody" with "align with" and refining the phrase to "does not align with human aspirations in daily life" enhances the precision and formality of the statement.
"it should be substantially diminished" -> "it should be significantly reduced"
Explanation: Substituting "substantially diminished" with "significantly reduced" maintains the strength of the statement while using more formal language.
"fabulous benefits" -> "significant benefits"
Explanation: Replacing "fabulous" with "significant" conveys a more measured and formal tone, aligning better with academic writing.
"foster their offspring comprehensively" -> "nurture their children comprehensively"
Explanation: Substituting "foster their offspring" with "nurture their children" maintains the meaning while using a more formal and precise term.
"imperative role in the country’s development" -> "crucial role in the nation’s development"
Explanation: Replacing "imperative" with "crucial" and refining the phrase to "crucial role in the nation’s development" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.
"parents do not even know what their children usually do" -> "parents are often unaware of their children’s activities"
Explanation: Adjusting the phrase to "parents are often unaware of their children’s activities" provides a more formal and structured expression.
"closeness are built from listening and sharing each other’s daily events" -> "closeness is cultivated through attentive listening and sharing daily experiences"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase to "closeness is cultivated through attentive listening and sharing daily experiences" improves the formality and clarity of the statement.
"Work has drained them of all positive energy!" -> "Work has depleted their positive energy."
Explanation: Replacing "drained" with "depleted" maintains the impact while using a more formal term.
"diminish considerably the length of the working week" -> "substantially reduce the duration of the workweek"
Explanation: Substituting "diminish considerably the length of" with "substantially reduce the duration of" provides a more formal and precise expression.
"overworked" -> "excessively burdened with work"
Explanation: Replacing "overworked" with "excessively burdened with work" offers a more formal and detailed description of the situation.
"labourers deserve to diminish considerably" -> "workers deserve a significant reduction"
Explanation: Adjusting the phrase to "workers deserve a significant reduction" maintains the emphasis on the need for reduction while using more formal language.
"essential to assess this one disastrous situation" -> "crucial to examine such a dire situation"
Explanation: Substituting "essential to assess this one disastrous situation" with "crucial to examine such a dire situation" improves the formality and clarity of the statement.
"consciously oppose working overtime" -> "actively resist engaging in overtime work"
Explanation: Replacing "consciously oppose" with "actively resist" and refining the phrase to "actively resist engaging in overtime work" enhances the formality and precision of the expression.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay thoroughly addresses all aspects of the prompt. It acknowledges the societal trend of increasing working hours and strongly agrees that reducing the length of the working week is essential for providing more leisure time and family bonding. Relevant sections from the essay, such as emphasizing the impact on children, sustaining family bliss, and embracing valuable moments, support this analysis.
- How to improve: The essay effectively covers all parts of the question. To enhance completeness, consider providing a brief counter-argument or acknowledging potential opposing views before reinforcing the agreement.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent stance throughout. The writer consistently supports the idea that reducing working hours is beneficial for individuals and society. Examples such as nurturing children, sustaining family bonds, and enjoying valuable moments reinforce the clarity of the position.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that directly relates to the essay’s position on reducing the working week.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It provides specific examples, such as the impact on children’s development, family intimacy, and personal experiences, to elaborate on the benefits of reducing working hours. The development of each point is detailed and well-supported.
- How to improve: To enhance idea extension, consider incorporating a broader range of examples or exploring potential counterarguments and then refuting them.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, consistently addressing the impact of reducing working hours on family life and personal well-being. However, there is a slight deviation in the conclusion where the focus shifts briefly to individual responsibility and government intervention. While this deviation does not significantly detract from the overall coherence, it is worth noting.
- How to improve: To maintain strict relevance, ensure that the concluding remarks directly tie back to the benefits of reducing the working week, avoiding the introduction of new elements.
In summary, this essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, with well-developed ideas and clear organization. To improve, the writer can consider including a brief acknowledgment of opposing views, reinforcing topic sentences for each paragraph, broadening the range of examples, and ensuring a seamless connection between the conclusion and the main theme.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, and there is a coherent progression of ideas from the introduction to the conclusion. For instance, the introduction sets the stage by introducing the societal pressure of longer working hours, and the subsequent paragraphs build on this idea, discussing the impact on family life and personal well-being.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider refining transitions between paragraphs. Ensure that the connection between ideas is seamless, reinforcing the overall argument. Additionally, a more explicit roadmap in the introduction could provide readers with a clearer understanding of the essay’s structure.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs, each focusing on a specific subtopic related to the prompt. The introduction provides a brief overview, followed by body paragraphs that delve into the impact on children, family life, and personal well-being. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points.
- How to improve: While the use of paragraphs is generally effective, consider varying sentence structures within paragraphs for added fluency. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence to maximize coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("it," "this"), conjunctions ("however," "finally"), and transitional phrases ("to begin with," "in conclusion"). These devices contribute to the overall coherence by connecting ideas and guiding the reader through the essay.
- How to improve: While cohesive devices are used adequately, incorporating a more extensive variety can further enrich the essay. Experiment with a broader range of transition words and phrases to ensure a seamless and varied connection between sentences and ideas. This can elevate the essay’s cohesion and reader engagement.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, earning a band score of 6. To enhance the score, focus on refining transitions, varying sentence structures, and experimenting with a broader array of cohesive devices.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating sophisticated language to convey ideas effectively. Examples include "inflationary society," "sophisticated phenomenon," "comprehensively," and "bliss." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying word choices further, especially in some recurring instances where the same words are used (e.g., "length of working time").
- How to improve: To enhance your score in this aspect, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions for frequently used terms. For instance, instead of consistently using "length of working time," you could vary it with phrases like "work hours," "working hours," or "weekly labor commitment."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying ideas. However, there are instances where words could be chosen more precisely. For example, the phrase "the length of working hours is showing an increasing trend" might benefit from a more specific term, such as "the duration of working hours is on the rise." Additionally, the use of "fabulous benefits" could be replaced with a more nuanced adjective.
- How to improve: To achieve greater precision, focus on selecting words that precisely capture the intended meaning. Consider consulting a thesaurus to find alternatives that offer subtle distinctions in meaning. This will elevate the precision of your vocabulary, contributing to a more nuanced and refined expression of ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling errors are present, such as "imperative" spelled as "imperative," and "comprehensively" spelled as "comprehensivly."
- How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your work carefully, paying close attention to commonly misspelled words. Consider using spell-check tools or asking a peer to review your essay. Developing a habit of revisiting and revising your writing will contribute to minimizing such errors.
In conclusion, your essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, contributing to a well-developed and coherent response. By refining and diversifying your word choices and ensuring meticulous spelling accuracy, you can elevate your lexical resource to an even higher level. Keep practicing and incorporating feedback to continue enhancing your language proficiency.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. There’s an adequate mix of complex and compound sentences, utilizing clauses and phrases effectively to convey ideas. For instance, complex sentences are employed to present arguments and compound sentences to link ideas. However, there’s scope to further diversify sentence structures by incorporating more complex clauses and varied transitions to enhance coherence and sophistication.
- How to improve: Consider integrating more complex structures like conditional sentences or inverted sentences to add depth. Additionally, explore diverse transition words and phrases to ensure smooth connectivity between ideas, elevating the overall flow and coherence.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the grammar is proficient. Complex sentence structures are handled well, demonstrating a good grasp of grammar rules. However, there are instances where subject-verb agreement and tense consistency could be refined. For instance, in the sentence "Work has drained them of all positive energy!" maintaining tense consistency throughout the essay is essential for clarity.
- How to improve: Focus on maintaining consistency in tenses within each paragraph. Proofread for subject-verb agreement and ensure alignment in the usage of singular/plural forms. Review complex sentence structures for nuanced grammar rules.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Punctuation is generally used effectively, aiding in readability and comprehension. Commas, periods, and exclamation marks are appropriately utilized. However, there are occasional instances where the use of punctuation, especially in complex sentences, could be refined for clarity. For instance, clearer demarcation of clauses within complex sentences can enhance readability.
- How to improve: Review complex sentence structures and ensure proper punctuation within them, using commas to separate clauses effectively. Focus on instances where clarity might be improved through strategic use of punctuation marks such as semicolons or dashes to delineate ideas more explicitly.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and sentence structures, contributing to a coherent and well-developed argument. To enhance the score further, pay attention to nuanced grammar aspects like tense consistency and subject-verb agreement while also refining the use of punctuation in complex sentence structures for clearer communication of ideas.
Bài sửa mẫu
In the face of today’s challenges in our contemporary inflationary society, there is a noticeable upward trend in the length of working hours, a response to the complexities of this economic phenomenon. Nonetheless, a growing number of individuals argue that the prevailing duration of the workweek does not align with human aspirations in daily life. They advocate for a significant reduction, allowing people to enjoy more leisure time and quality moments with their families. In my view, I wholeheartedly support this perspective, recognizing the substantial benefits associated with such a reduction.
Primarily, a shorter workweek affords employees the opportunity to nurture their children comprehensively. Recognizing that children are the future pillars of our nation, investing time in their upbringing and education assumes a crucial role in the country’s development. Regrettably, the demands of extensive working hours often result in parents being unaware of their children’s activities and interests. This lack of parental involvement can lead to a decline in the values instilled in the younger generation, potentially burdening society with unforeseen consequences.
Additionally, a positive consequence of reducing working hours is the ability of employees to cultivate sustained happiness within their families. Family intimacy, built through attentive listening and the sharing of daily experiences, requires a specific amount of time. Unfortunately, the pressures of demanding work often leave couples fatigued and depleted of positive energy, hindering meaningful communication. Instances abound where spouses, returning home after a taxing day, engage minimally with each other, leading to prolonged conflicts and, in some cases, divorce.
Ultimately, a decrease in the total time devoted to work in a given week empowers individuals to savor and appreciate the invaluable moments in their lives. Simple activities, such as sharing a cozy dinner with family, visiting grandparents, or spending time with close friends, demand time for implementation. Yet, these seemingly ordinary moments become luxuries in the lives of those excessively burdened with work. Consider the poignant example of an employee who, due to a demanding schedule, could not visit her ailing grandfather in her hometown. The inability to seize that opportunity left her with lasting remorse.
In conclusion, given the severe and irreversible impacts of prolonged working hours, it is only fair that workers deserve a significant reduction in the length of the working week. This reduction would afford them more time to nurture their children, enhance their family well-being, and embrace the priceless moments in their lives. However, achieving this requires not only individuals actively resisting engaging in overtime work but also necessitates governmental intervention. The government should create favorable conditions and issue official documents to ensure employee welfare through the official shortening of the working time.