Despite the enhancement of medical care, modern people are still tortured by various physical and psychological problems. What are some of the causes of the above phenomena? What can be done to improve people’s health?
Despite the enhancement of medical care, modern people are still tortured by various physical and psychological problems. What are some of the causes of the above phenomena? What can be done to improve people’s health?
Despite the monumental strides humanity has made in the domain of healthcare, many people remain afflicted with physical and mental issues. This essay will discuss the roots of this phenomena and some comprehensive measures to it as well.
This problem stems from several reasons. A key culprit is a sedentary lifestyle among people. In today’s society, with remarkable leaps in technology, machinery has replaced human involvement in physical activities. A multitude of physical activities, for instance, many families today rely on machines, such as robotic mops or dishwashers, to handle homework. Thus, people have become distanced from physical exercises, which are vital for promoting relaxation and improving maintaining physical fitness. Moreover, in many nations worldwide where physical health is often typically undervalued compared to academic and professional pursuits, individuals are often willing to sacrifice physical exercises for studying and working, Furthermore, another key cause behind this phenomena is to have an unhealthy diet. In the fast-paced modern lifestyle, fast and processed foods are commonly favored for their delicious and addictive taste and because they normally require neither so much time nor effort to prepare. This excessive consumption of unhealthy food is linked to bestow a higher risk of serious health conditions, for example, obesity, or diabetes such as obesity or diabetes.
There are a couple of solutions to this problem. It is apparent that raising public awareness of health protection should be the top priority. Being aware of the importance of maintaining overall health as well as the refreshment brought by physical activities could drive people to positively be involved more in such activities. This can be achieved by community pro projects and propagated programs. To exemplify, there are bike-rental campaigns in Vietnam that allow people to borrow bicycles and return when no longer needed. Besides, work-life balance should be promoted in workplaces and educational institutions so that individuals have more time to physically exercise and prepare a proper meal by themselves.
In summary, this phenomena is possible primarily due to unhealthy lifestyles and diets. There are some measures to this problem such as raising health protection awareness and promoting work-life balance at work and school.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"monumental strides" -> "significant advancements"
Explanation: "Monumental strides" is an idiom that may be too informal for academic writing. "Significant advancements" is more precise and maintains a formal tone. -
"afflicted with" -> "affected by"
Explanation: "Afflicted with" can imply a sense of suffering or being burdened, which may be too emotional for an academic context. "Affected by" is neutral and appropriate for formal writing. -
"phenomena" -> "phenomenon"
Explanation: "Phenomena" is the plural form, but the context suggests a single issue. "Phenomenon" is the singular form, which is more accurate here. -
"some comprehensive measures to it" -> "several comprehensive measures to address it"
Explanation: "To it" is vague and unclear. "To address it" clarifies the purpose of the measures, enhancing the sentence’s clarity and relevance. -
"A key culprit is a sedentary lifestyle among people." -> "A primary contributor is a sedentary lifestyle prevalent among individuals."
Explanation: "Key culprit" is colloquial; "primary contributor" is more formal and precise. Also, "prevalent among individuals" is more specific than "among people." -
"remarkable leaps in technology" -> "significant advancements in technology"
Explanation: "Remarkable leaps" is an idiom that may be too informal. "Significant advancements" is straightforward and maintains an academic tone. -
"machinery has replaced human involvement" -> "machinery has replaced human labor"
Explanation: "Involvement" is vague; "labor" specifically refers to work or effort, which is more precise in this context. -
"many families today rely on machines" -> "many families now rely on machines"
Explanation: "Today" is somewhat informal; "now" is more appropriate for formal writing. -
"to handle homework" -> "to perform household tasks"
Explanation: "Homework" typically refers to academic assignments, not household chores. "Household tasks" is more accurate and formal. -
"are vital for promoting relaxation and improving maintaining physical fitness" -> "are essential for promoting relaxation and maintaining physical fitness"
Explanation: "Improving maintaining" is grammatically incorrect. "Maintaining" should be used without "improving" to correctly convey the continuous action of maintaining physical fitness. -
"in many nations worldwide where physical health is often typically undervalued" -> "in many countries where physical health is often undervalued"
Explanation: "Nations worldwide" is redundant; "countries" is sufficient and more concise. -
"to have an unhealthy diet" -> "to consume an unhealthy diet"
Explanation: "To have an unhealthy diet" is awkward and less precise. "To consume an unhealthy diet" is more direct and formal. -
"because they normally require neither so much time nor effort to prepare" -> "because they typically require minimal time and effort to prepare"
Explanation: "Neither so much time nor effort" is verbose and informal. "Typically require minimal time and effort" is concise and maintains a formal tone. -
"bestow a higher risk of serious health conditions" -> "pose a higher risk of serious health conditions"
Explanation: "Bestow" is incorrect in this context; "pose" is the correct verb for indicating a risk or threat. -
"such as obesity, or diabetes" -> "such as obesity and diabetes"
Explanation: "Or" is incorrectly used for listing items in a series. "And" is the correct conjunction for listing items in a series. -
"community pro projects" -> "community programs"
Explanation: "Pro projects" is unclear and possibly incorrect. "Community programs" is a standard term in formal writing. -
"propagated programs" -> "promoted programs"
Explanation: "Propagated" is not typically used in this context; "promoted" is the correct term for actively supporting or advocating for something. -
"bicycle and return when no longer needed" -> "bicycles and return them when no longer needed"
Explanation: "Bicycle" should be plural to match "rental," and "return them" is grammatically correct. -
"work-life balance at work and school" -> "work-life balance in workplaces and educational institutions"
Explanation: "At work and school" is too informal and vague. "In workplaces and educational institutions" is more specific and formal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying causes of health issues and suggesting solutions. The causes discussed include a sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy diets, which are relevant and well-explained. However, the mention of solutions is somewhat limited, as it primarily focuses on raising awareness and promoting work-life balance without exploring additional strategies such as government policies or community health initiatives.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include a broader range of solutions. For instance, discussing the role of government regulations on food quality or the implementation of public health campaigns would provide a more comprehensive view. Additionally, ensuring that each part of the prompt is distinctly addressed in separate paragraphs could improve clarity.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the causes and solutions to health issues. The introduction sets the stage well, and the body paragraphs consistently reflect this stance. However, the phrase "comprehensive measures to it" in the introduction is somewhat vague and could confuse readers about the specific focus of the essay.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the introduction could be revised to explicitly state the two main areas of focus: causes and solutions. This would help guide the reader and reinforce the essay’s overall argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas, such as the impact of a sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy diets, but the development of these ideas could be more robust. For example, while the mention of robotic mops is illustrative, it could be expanded with more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument. Additionally, the solutions presented are somewhat general and lack detailed support or examples.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. For instance, when discussing the benefits of physical activity, citing studies or statistics about health improvements could lend more credibility to the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes and solutions to health issues. However, there are moments where the ideas could be more tightly connected to the main question. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to solutions could be smoother, as the current structure feels slightly abrupt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main topic. Using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument and reinforce the connection between causes and solutions. Additionally, ensuring that all examples directly relate to the main points will help maintain relevance throughout the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the main points to be discussed. The body paragraphs are organized around specific causes and solutions, which helps the reader follow the argument. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing a sedentary lifestyle to unhealthy diets feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that connects these two points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing the sedentary lifestyle, you could introduce the unhealthy diet with a phrase like, "In addition to a lack of physical activity, another significant factor contributing to health issues is…"
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, which is a strength. However, the first body paragraph could be divided into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the sedentary lifestyle and the other on unhealthy diets. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each cause.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance readability and clarity. Each paragraph should ideally contain one main idea supported by examples. For instance, the discussion on unhealthy diets could be expanded into its own paragraph, allowing for a more thorough examination of the topic.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Moreover" and "In summary," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "to have an unhealthy diet," which detracts from clarity. Additionally, the phrase "this phenomena" should be corrected to "this phenomenon" for grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Additionally," "On the other hand," and "Consequently." This will help to create a more fluid reading experience. Also, ensure that grammatical structures are correct to maintain clarity and professionalism in writing.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but there are areas for improvement that could elevate the score further. Focus on enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structure, and expanding the use of cohesive devices for a more polished and effective essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "sedentary lifestyle," "physical activities," and "health protection." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice. For example, the phrase "physical exercises" is used multiple times, which detracts from the overall lexical variety. Additionally, the term "phenomena" is misused in the singular form; the correct term should be "phenomenon."
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "physical exercises," alternatives like "exercise routines" or "fitness activities" could be employed. Furthermore, the writer should ensure correct usage of terms, such as using "phenomenon" when referring to a singular issue.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes relevant vocabulary, some phrases lack precision. For instance, the phrase "bestow a higher risk" is awkward and imprecise; a more appropriate phrase would be "associated with a higher risk." Additionally, the phrase "handle homework" is misleading, as it implies that machines are managing school assignments rather than household chores.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. It would be beneficial to revise phrases for clarity, such as changing "handle homework" to "manage household tasks." Furthermore, reviewing vocabulary in context can help ensure that terms are used appropriately.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that affect clarity, such as "this phenomena" (should be "this phenomenon") and "refreshment brought by physical activities" (the word "refreshment" is not the best choice in this context). Additionally, "bestow" is incorrectly used in the context of risk.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and ensuring correct usage of terms. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through exercises or quizzes can reinforce correct spelling habits.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs relevant vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "Despite the monumental strides humanity has made" and "In today’s society, with remarkable leaps in technology" showcases an ability to construct varied sentence forms. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "This problem stems from several reasons" is somewhat simplistic and could be enhanced with a more complex structure.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more subordinate clauses and varying the placement of phrases. For example, instead of saying "A key culprit is a sedentary lifestyle among people," you could say, "Among the various factors contributing to this issue, a sedentary lifestyle stands out as a key culprit." This not only adds complexity but also improves the flow of ideas.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "to handle homework" should be "to handle household chores," as "homework" typically refers to academic assignments. Additionally, the sentence "which are vital for promoting relaxation and improving maintaining physical fitness" contains a redundancy ("improving maintaining"). Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "for example" in "for example, obesity, or diabetes."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread for common errors and redundancies. Pay attention to word choice and ensure that phrases are used correctly in context. For punctuation, practice using commas effectively to separate clauses and elements in a series. Reading sentences aloud can help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking or where clarity can be improved.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Despite the monumental strides humanity has made in the domain of healthcare, many people remain afflicted with physical and mental issues. This essay will discuss the roots of this phenomenon and some comprehensive measures to address it as well.
This problem stems from several reasons. A key culprit is a sedentary lifestyle prevalent among individuals. In today’s society, with significant advancements in technology, machinery has replaced human involvement in physical activities. A multitude of physical activities, for instance, many families today rely on machines, such as robotic mops or dishwashers, to handle household tasks. Thus, people have become distanced from physical exercises, which are essential for promoting relaxation and maintaining physical fitness. Moreover, in many nations worldwide where physical health is often undervalued compared to academic and professional pursuits, individuals are often willing to sacrifice physical exercise for studying and working. Furthermore, another key cause behind this phenomenon is consuming an unhealthy diet. In the fast-paced modern lifestyle, fast and processed foods are commonly favored for their delicious and addictive taste and because they typically require minimal time and effort to prepare. This excessive consumption of unhealthy food poses a higher risk of serious health conditions, such as obesity and diabetes.
There are a couple of solutions to this problem. It is apparent that raising public awareness of health protection should be the top priority. Being aware of the importance of maintaining overall health as well as the refreshment brought by physical activities could drive people to be more positively involved in such activities. This can be achieved by community programs and promoted initiatives. To exemplify, there are bike-rental campaigns in Vietnam that allow people to borrow bicycles and return them when no longer needed. Besides, work-life balance should be promoted in workplaces and educational institutions so that individuals have more time to physically exercise and prepare proper meals by themselves.
In summary, this phenomenon is primarily due to unhealthy lifestyles and diets. There are several measures to address this problem, such as raising health protection awareness and promoting work-life balance at work and school.