Disadvantages of using smartphone

At the present time, the technology is developing and smartphone is one of the devices most used. Besides the advantages, it also brings people some disadvantages. Firstly, your health will be negatively effected. For example, it is easy for you to put on weight , as spending numerous time on smartphone all day without doing outdoor activities or even exercising will undermine your physical and your body will be sharp obesity. Additionally, the blue linght from the phone might harm people eyes and cause eye-related diseases such as shortsightedness. Lastly, workers can't focus on their works as well as before. Since the smartphone takes them lots of time to use and there will be insufficient time to work and update more benefit information. Beside that, it can impact on studying of teenagers because phone is able to addictive to them. For instence, student generally plays game, surfs the internet on the phone and so on instead of searching useful study materials. In conclusion, despite the benefits of smartphone, it also brings people some bad impact that i mentioned above. Therefore people ought to manage phone usage time reasonably and avoid being addicted to smartphone.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"At the present time" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more concise and formal alternative to "At the present time," which is slightly redundant and less commonly used in academic writing.
"the technology is developing" -> "technology is evolving"
Explanation: "Evolving" is a more precise term that better captures the dynamic nature of technological advancements, enhancing the academic tone.
"smartphone is one of the devices most used" -> "smartphones are among the most widely used devices"
Explanation: "Among the most widely used devices" is more grammatically correct and formal, improving the sentence structure and clarity.
"your health will be negatively effected" -> "your health may be negatively affected"
Explanation: "Affected" is the correct form of the verb in this context, and "may" is more appropriate than "will" as it indicates possibility rather than certainty, which is more suitable for academic writing.
"it is easy for you to put on weight" -> "it is easy to gain weight"
Explanation: Removing "for you" simplifies the sentence and aligns better with formal academic style, focusing on the action rather than the subject.
"spending numerous time on smartphone all day" -> "spending considerable time on smartphones all day"
Explanation: "Considerable" is a more precise adjective than "numerous" in this context, and "smartphones" should be plural to match the subject.
"your body will be sharp obesity" -> "your body may become obese"
Explanation: "Become obese" is the correct phrase, and "may" is used to indicate possibility rather than certainty, which is more appropriate in academic writing.
"the blue linght from the phone" -> "the blue light from the phone"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "light" to "light."
"harm people eyes" -> "harm people’s eyes"
Explanation: Adding the possessive "people’s" corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the subject.
"cause eye-related diseases such as shortsightedness" -> "cause eye-related conditions such as myopia"
Explanation: "Conditions" is a more precise term than "diseases" in this context, and "myopia" is the correct medical term for shortsightedness.
"workers can’t focus on their works as well as before" -> "workers may not focus as effectively as they did previously"
Explanation: "May not focus as effectively as they did previously" is more formal and avoids the contraction "can’t," which is too informal for academic writing.
"takes them lots of time to use" -> "consumes a significant amount of time"
Explanation: "Consumes a significant amount of time" is more formal and precise than "takes them lots of time."
"Beside that" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Beside that."
"phone is able to addictive to them" -> "smartphones can be addictive to them"
Explanation: "Can be addictive" corrects the grammatical error and uses "smartphones" to maintain consistency in plural form.
"student generally plays game, surfs the internet on the phone" -> "students often engage in gaming and surfing the internet on their phones"
Explanation: "Engage in gaming and surfing the internet" is more formal and precise, and "students" should be plural to match the generalization.
"and so on" -> "and so forth"
Explanation: "And so forth" is a more formal expression than "and so on," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"it also brings people some bad impact" -> "it also has several negative impacts"
Explanation: "Has several negative impacts" is more precise and formal, replacing the vague and informal "some bad impact."
"i mentioned above" -> "as mentioned above"
Explanation: Corrects the capitalization of "i" to "I" and uses "as mentioned above" for a more formal and precise reference back to previous points.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding the disadvantages of using smartphones, but it does not fully explore the topic. While it mentions several disadvantages, such as health issues and distractions in work and study, the explanations are somewhat superficial and lack depth. For instance, the point about health effects could be expanded to include mental health issues, while the impact on productivity could be elaborated with specific examples or statistics.
- How to improve: To comprehensively address all elements of the question, the writer should ensure that each disadvantage is thoroughly explained and supported with relevant examples. Including a wider range of disadvantages, such as social isolation or addiction, would also strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a general position that smartphones have disadvantages, but this position is not consistently maintained throughout. The conclusion reiterates the negative impacts but does not clearly tie back to the specific points made in the body of the essay. This lack of cohesion can confuse readers about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and refer back to it in the conclusion. Additionally, each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, ensuring that the reader understands the focus of each section.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are somewhat limited and lack sufficient support. For example, the mention of health issues is not backed by any data or research, and the discussion about productivity is vague. The examples provided, such as students playing games, are relevant but could be expanded to illustrate the point more effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to develop each point with more detail. This could involve providing specific examples, citing studies or statistics, and explaining the implications of each disadvantage. Using a structured approach, such as the PEEL (Point, Evidence, Explanation, Link) method, can help in elaborating on ideas.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the disadvantages of smartphones. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes vague, such as the phrase "insufficient time to work and update more benefit information," which lacks clarity and relevance to the main topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the discussion of disadvantages. Avoiding vague language and ensuring that each point is clearly linked to the main topic will help keep the essay on track. Additionally, a clear outline before writing can help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all content is relevant.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on expanding their ideas, providing clear support for each point, maintaining a consistent position, and ensuring that all content is relevant to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The main disadvantages of smartphones are introduced sequentially, starting with health issues, followed by productivity concerns, and concluding with the impact on students. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from health-related issues to productivity is somewhat abrupt, and the connection between these points could be more explicitly stated. The use of "Firstly," "Additionally," and "Lastly" helps to indicate the order of points, but the overall cohesion between these points could be strengthened.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas. For example, after discussing health issues, you might introduce the productivity concerns with a phrase like, "In addition to health risks, smartphones also pose challenges to productivity." This would help create a smoother flow between paragraphs and reinforce the relationship between the ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific disadvantage of smartphones. However, the first paragraph could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on health issues and the other on productivity and study habits. This would allow for a clearer distinction between the different categories of disadvantages and improve readability.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by relevant examples. For instance, the paragraph discussing health issues could be expanded with more detailed examples or statistics to support the claims made. Additionally, consider starting a new paragraph when introducing a new disadvantage, which will help to delineate the points more clearly.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Additionally," and "Lastly," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument. For example, the phrase "Besides that" is somewhat informal and could be replaced with a more academic transition like "Furthermore" or "Moreover." Additionally, the use of pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas could be improved to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "On the other hand" to introduce contrasting points or "Consequently" to indicate results. Additionally, ensure that pronouns are used effectively to avoid repetition and maintain clarity. For example, instead of repeating "smartphone," you could use "this device" or "it" in subsequent references to improve the flow of the text.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant points, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will help to achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some appropriate terms related to the topic, such as "technology," "disadvantages," "health," and "addictive." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the term "smartphone" is used frequently without synonyms or related terms to enhance the lexical diversity. Phrases like "bad impact" and "benefit information" are somewhat vague and could be expressed with more specific vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeating "smartphone," they could use "mobile device" or "cell phone." Additionally, replacing "bad impact" with "negative consequences" or "adverse effects" would improve clarity and sophistication. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary lists related to technology and health could provide more options.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the overall clarity of the essay. For example, the phrase "your health will be negatively effected" should use "affected" instead of "effected." The term "sharp obesity" is also unclear and could confuse readers; a more precise term like "severe obesity" would be more appropriate. Furthermore, "the blue linght" contains a spelling error and should be "blue light," which affects the precision of the statement.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should proofread their work to catch spelling errors and ensure correct word forms are used. Additionally, they should aim to select words that convey their intended meaning more accurately. For example, instead of saying "impact on studying of teenagers," they could say "impact on teenagers’ academic performance."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that hinder readability and professionalism. For instance, "linght" should be corrected to "light," "instence" to "instance," and "addictive" should be "addictive" (though the context suggests "addictive" is correct, it is used inappropriately in the sentence). These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can distract the reader from the content.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should consider implementing a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and terms related to the essay topic can help reinforce correct spelling in future writing. Keeping a personal list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them regularly could also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and uses some relevant vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and overall writing quality for future IELTS tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences like "At the present time, the technology is developing" are used alongside compound sentences such as "Besides the advantages, it also brings people some disadvantages." However, the essay lacks more complex structures that could enhance the depth of the argument. For example, the phrase "it also brings people some disadvantages" could be expanded into a more complex sentence that elaborates on the types of disadvantages.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "it also brings people some disadvantages," you could say, "While smartphones offer numerous advantages, they also present significant disadvantages that can adversely affect users’ health and productivity." Additionally, varying the sentence beginnings and using a mix of declarative, interrogative, and conditional sentences can enhance the overall complexity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, "your health will be negatively effected" should use "affected" instead of "effected." Additionally, the phrase "your body will be sharp obesity" is awkward and grammatically incorrect; a more appropriate phrasing would be "you may experience obesity." Punctuation errors are also present, such as the unnecessary space before the comma in "weight , as spending numerous time." Furthermore, the use of "blue linght" is a spelling error and should be corrected to "blue light."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay carefully for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect word forms. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also help identify and correct mistakes. Additionally, practicing writing with a focus on punctuation rules, such as comma placement and sentence boundaries, will enhance clarity. For example, revising "the smartphone takes them lots of time to use and there will be insufficient time to work" to "the smartphone consumes a significant amount of their time, leaving insufficient time for work" would improve grammatical accuracy and readability.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of grammatical structures, there is significant room for improvement in both the variety of sentence structures and the accuracy of grammar and punctuation. By incorporating more complex sentences and diligently proofreading for grammatical errors, the overall quality of the writing can be enhanced.

Bài sửa mẫu

At the present time, technology is evolving, and smartphones are among the most widely used devices. Besides the advantages, they also bring some disadvantages to people. Firstly, your health may be negatively affected. For example, it is easy for you to gain weight, as spending considerable time on smartphones all day without doing outdoor activities or even exercising will undermine your physical health, and your body may become obese. Additionally, the blue light from the phone might harm people’s eyes and cause eye-related conditions such as myopia. Lastly, workers may not focus on their work as effectively as they did previously. Since smartphones consume a significant amount of time, there will be insufficient time to work and update more beneficial information. Furthermore, it can impact the studying of teenagers because smartphones can be addictive to them. For instance, students often engage in gaming, surfing the internet on their phones, and so forth instead of searching for useful study materials. In conclusion, despite the benefits of smartphones, they also have several negative impacts, as mentioned above. Therefore, people ought to manage their phone usage time reasonably and avoid becoming addicted to smartphones.