Discuss the reasons why people define happiness differently and how to obtain happiness?

Happiness is one of the basic things that everyone needs. There are so many
reasons for people to clarify various happiness and how to find out their own
pleasure. From my perspective, I would like to indicate the happiness definition
and ways to obtain it.
Living in different classes makes people specify happiness in many ways. People
are affected by their environment, education and wealth. Specifically, when
children are born in a prosperous family, they tend to be more enchanted to
expensive toys. On the other hand, offspring from disadvantaged family desire to
have tasty food and basic pleasures such as dolls, superheroes’ masks and so on.
Besides, people living in different places have various pleasures. For instance,
African always desire a heavy rain to help the environment around them be alive,
while residents living in Vietnam have a wish for a snowy season.
Different definitions of happiness bring in many ways how to achieve pleasures.
First of all, people need to find out their passion. Working in an environment that
they wish will motivate them to be better so that they can earn more money.
Getting a great amount of money can fulfill their needs that they did not have
when they were children. Another method to obtain happiness is to contribute to
the society. People can help to protect the environment to stop the climate getting
hot so they need to plant more trees, replant the forest and stop releasing toxic
emission into the air. Once the environment has been improved, people will feel
satisfied about it.
In conclusion, people have their own definition of happiness. Happiness is priority
in everyone’s life so that people need to find out their methods to achieve
pleasures for themselves.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"clarify various happiness" -> "define happiness in various ways"
Explanation: "Clarify" doesn’t fit here as it means to make something clear or understandable. Instead, "define" is more appropriate, indicating the act of stating or describing precisely. Additionally, "various happiness" should be changed to "happiness in various ways" for clarity and grammatical correctness.
"I would like to indicate the happiness definition" -> "I would like to discuss the definition of happiness"
Explanation: "Indicate" is too vague and informal in this context. "Discuss" is a better choice, indicating a more thorough exploration of the topic. "The happiness definition" can be changed to "the definition of happiness" for smoother phrasing.
"enchant to expensive toys" -> "attracted to expensive toys"
Explanation: "Enchant" implies a magical or spellbinding influence, which is inappropriate in this context. "Attracted" is a more suitable term, indicating a natural inclination towards expensive toys without the connotations of enchantment.
"desire to have tasty food" -> "desire for tasty food"
Explanation: "Desire to have" is unnecessarily wordy. "Desire for" is more concise and commonly used in academic writing to express a longing or craving for something.
"Various pleasures" -> "Different pleasures"
Explanation: "Various" is somewhat redundant here since the context already implies diversity. "Different" is a more precise and concise term to convey the idea of distinct pleasures experienced by people in different situations.
"always desire a heavy rain" -> "often desire heavy rain"
Explanation: "Always" suggests a constant and uninterrupted desire, which may not accurately reflect the situation. "Often" better captures the frequency of the desire for heavy rain.
"a wish for a snowy season" -> "a desire for a snowy season"
Explanation: "Wish" implies a hope or longing, while "desire" is more general and fits better in this context where the residents are expressing a preference for a snowy season.
"bring in many ways how to achieve pleasures" -> "result in various methods of achieving happiness"
Explanation: "Bring in" is awkward and unclear in this context. "Result in" is more appropriate, indicating the outcome or consequence of different definitions of happiness. Additionally, "pleasures" should be replaced with "happiness" for consistency and clarity.
"First of all" -> "Initially" or "To begin with"
Explanation: "First of all" is too informal for academic writing. "Initially" or "To begin with" are more suitable transitions to introduce the first method of achieving happiness.
"Getting a great amount of money" -> "Accumulating wealth"
Explanation: "Getting a great amount of money" is colloquial and lacks precision. "Accumulating wealth" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea of acquiring a significant amount of money over time.
"can fulfill their needs that they did not have" -> "can fulfill needs they lacked"
Explanation: The original phrase is unnecessarily wordy and awkward. Simplifying it to "can fulfill needs they lacked" improves clarity and readability.
"Once the environment has been improved, people will feel satisfied about it." -> "Once the environment improves, people will feel satisfied."
Explanation: The original sentence is redundant and awkwardly phrased. Simplifying it to "Once the environment improves, people will feel satisfied" maintains clarity while eliminating unnecessary words.
"Happiness is priority in everyone’s life" -> "Happiness is a priority in everyone’s life"
Explanation: The article "a" is needed before "priority" to make the sentence grammatically correct.
"find out their methods to achieve pleasures for themselves" -> "discover methods to attain happiness"
Explanation: "Find out" is too colloquial for academic writing. "Discover" is a more appropriate term. Additionally, "achieve pleasures" should be changed to "attain happiness" for clarity and consistency.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the prompt, discussing reasons why people define happiness differently and suggesting methods to obtain it. It acknowledges various factors influencing individual perceptions of happiness, such as socio-economic background and cultural differences, and offers suggestions on how individuals can pursue happiness based on their passions and contributions to society.
- How to improve: While the essay covers the required elements, it could benefit from providing more specific examples to illustrate its points. Incorporating real-life scenarios or research findings could enhance the depth of analysis and make the discussion more compelling.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by asserting that happiness is subjective and influenced by various factors. It consistently emphasizes the importance of individuals finding their own paths to happiness, whether through pursuing passions or contributing to society.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state its thesis in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the body paragraphs. This would help readers grasp the author’s stance more readily and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately but lacks depth in extending and supporting them. While it mentions factors influencing happiness and methods to achieve it, it would benefit from elaborating on these points with more nuanced explanations and supporting evidence. For instance, providing psychological or sociological perspectives on happiness could enrich the discussion.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation of ideas, the author should expand on each point by providing examples, statistics, or relevant research findings. This would enhance the credibility and persuasiveness of the arguments presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing reasons for varying definitions of happiness and methods to attain it. However, it occasionally deviates from the main focus, such as when discussing environmental issues without directly tying them back to the topic of happiness.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates to the central theme of happiness. If discussing tangential topics, they should clearly demonstrate their relevance to the main argument. In this case, connecting environmental conservation efforts to personal happiness more explicitly would help the essay stay on track.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. Ideas are presented in a somewhat coherent manner, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the body paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and cohesive progression of ideas. For example, the second paragraph discusses different classes affecting happiness, but the connection to the main topic of defining happiness is not clearly established.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider structuring the essay with a clear thesis statement and topic sentences for each body paragraph. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of defining happiness or obtaining it, and use transitions to smoothly connect ideas throughout the essay.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their effectiveness is limited. Each paragraph contains several ideas without clear separation, leading to a lack of coherence within paragraphs. For instance, the second paragraph discusses different classes and their impact on happiness, but it also introduces the concept of people living in different places having various pleasures, which could be a separate point.
- How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by focusing on one main idea per paragraph. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting details and examples. This will help to create a more coherent and organized essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices such as "First of all," and "In conclusion," but their effectiveness is limited. There is a lack of variety and sophistication in the use of cohesive devices, leading to a somewhat repetitive and simplistic writing style.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay. This could include using pronouns (e.g., "this," "these," "it") to refer back to previous ideas, using transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "Moreover," "On the other hand") to connect ideas within and between sentences, and using parallel structures to show relationships between ideas (e.g., "Not only… but also," "Either… or"). This will help to improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some understanding of the topic and attempts to organize ideas logically, there is room for improvement in the clarity and coherence of the writing. Focus on developing a clear and coherent structure, using effective paragraphing techniques, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to enhance the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly wide range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "pleasure," "enchanting," "prosperous," "disadvantaged," "passion," "motivate," "contribute," "environment," "climate," "satisfied," and "priority." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of vocabulary used. For instance, some concepts could be expressed with more nuanced or diverse vocabulary choices.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider using synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and specialized terminology where appropriate. Additionally, strive to incorporate more advanced vocabulary related to the essay’s themes, such as nuanced terms for happiness and methods of achieving it. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "pleasure" and "happiness," explore alternatives like "contentment," "fulfillment," "bliss," or "joy," depending on the context.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with sufficient precision, though there are instances where more precise language could enhance clarity and impact. For example, the phrase "Living in different classes" could be more precisely expressed as "Residing in diverse socioeconomic backgrounds," which conveys a clearer and more specific meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, aim for greater specificity and accuracy in word choice. Be mindful of selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning and avoid ambiguity. Consider whether each word used effectively communicates the intended message and whether there are more precise alternatives available.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with no glaring errors observed. However, there are minor spelling inaccuracies, such as "clarify" instead of "various," "offspring" instead of "offsprings," and "replant" instead of "replanting." While these errors do not significantly detract from comprehension, enhancing spelling accuracy could further improve the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading carefully to catch any errors. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling patterns and practice spelling words that commonly pose challenges. Developing a habit of reviewing and revising written work for spelling errors can help enhance accuracy over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is effective use of conjunctions to connect ideas, such as "Besides," and "First of all." However, there is a tendency towards simpler sentence structures, which limits the variety and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If…then" constructions), passive voice constructions, and varied sentence lengths to create rhythm and flow in the writing. Additionally, utilize transitional phrases and clauses to connect ideas more effectively and improve coherence.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally accurate use of grammar and punctuation, but there are instances of errors throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "African always desire"), article usage (e.g., "the happiness definition"), and incorrect prepositions (e.g., "contribute to the society"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas and inconsistent capitalization.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, review common grammatical structures and rules, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, proper article and preposition usage, and punctuation rules. Proofreading the essay carefully before submission can help identify and correct these errors. Consider seeking feedback from peers or tutors to further improve grammatical accuracy. Additionally, utilize resources such as grammar handbooks or online grammar guides for reference and practice.

Bài sửa mẫu

Happiness is essential for everyone, yet its definition varies among individuals due to diverse circumstances and perspectives. I would like to discuss the definition of happiness and how individuals can discover methods to attain it.

People’s upbringing and environment greatly influence how they perceive happiness. For example, children from affluent families may be drawn to expensive toys, while those from less privileged backgrounds yearn for basic pleasures like nutritious food and simple toys. Moreover, geographical location shapes people’s desires; for instance, those in Africa may long for heavy rainfall to rejuvenate the environment, whereas residents of Vietnam may dream of snowy seasons.

These differing interpretations of happiness lead to various methods of achieving it. Firstly, individuals must identify their passions and seek employment in fields that align with their interests. This not only fosters personal growth but also enables them to earn a sufficient income to fulfill their needs. Additionally, contributing to society can bring immense satisfaction. By participating in environmental conservation efforts, such as tree planting and reducing emissions, individuals can help improve their surroundings and consequently experience a sense of fulfillment.

In summary, happiness is subjective, with each person having their own unique definition. As happiness is a priority in everyone’s life, individuals must discover methods to attain it that resonate with their values and aspirations.