Do you agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money?

In today's world, due to the improvement of social media, the entertainment industry is developing rapidly and more and more people are becoming famous. It leads to a belief that famous people are paid far too much money. This essay will express my opinion that I completely agree with this topic by elaborating on the following points.

To begin with, essential workers often receive low salaries. An essential worker is someone without whose work society cannot function properly, such as a teacher, doctor. It is obvious that those people have much more contribution to society than celebrities. For instance, the teacher gives children knowledge, helps them explore the world outside and prepare them with life skills. That is very important for kids to be mature. On the other hand, a star does not contribute to our lives as much as essential workers but he/she has a huge salary while teacher is one of the jobs which have the lowest paid. For an example, any brands that want to invite a well-known singer like Son Tung to sing in their show must pay him billions of VND, but a teacher only receives about more than 5 million VND a month. Another problem of the low paid for the unreplaceable jobs is the shortage of labor force. Because of the terrible wage, thousands of workers have to change their career for a better living. To illustrate, according to the Vietnamese Government, this country is suffering from the lack of workers in many necessary industries.

Another reason is that most celebrities waste their money on expensive houses, cars and parties. These days, the stars are using too much money on a lot of luxury things while they seem to not be useful. It is easy to see on facebook, instagram or any social media the fortune of famous people with a lot of penthouse, supercar, parties,… Meanwhile, there are a number of difficult situations that need to be solved. Everyday, a lot of people have to live in the poorest conditions, suffer from starvation, wars, diseases… The celebrities should spend time and money saving these situations instead of throwing millions of dollars away.

After all, I could not agree more with the opinion that famous people are paid too much money.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In today’s world" -> "In the contemporary world"
Explanation: "In the contemporary world" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the essay.
"due to the improvement of social media" -> "owing to the advancements in social media"
Explanation: "Owing to the advancements in social media" is more precise and formal, avoiding the vague term "improvement" which can be ambiguous.
"more and more people are becoming famous" -> "an increasing number of individuals are achieving fame"
Explanation: "An increasing number of individuals are achieving fame" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "more and more," which is less suitable for academic writing.
"It leads to a belief" -> "This has led to the belief"
Explanation: "This has led to the belief" is more direct and formal, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.
"I completely agree with this topic" -> "I fully concur with this perspective"
Explanation: "I fully concur with this perspective" is more formal and academically appropriate than "I completely agree with this topic," which is somewhat informal.
"essential workers" -> "essential personnel"
Explanation: "Essential personnel" is a more formal term commonly used in academic and professional contexts to refer to workers who are crucial to an organization or society.
"someone without whose work society cannot function properly" -> "individuals whose absence would significantly impair societal functioning"
Explanation: This revision provides a more precise and formal description of the role of essential workers, avoiding the colloquial "someone without whose work society cannot function properly."
"a star does not contribute to our lives as much as essential workers" -> "celebrities do not contribute as significantly to our lives as do essential personnel"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the comparison and uses "celebrities" instead of "a star," which is less formal and more specific.
"he/she has a huge salary while teacher is one of the jobs which have the lowest paid" -> "they receive substantial salaries, whereas teachers are among the lowest-paid professionals"
Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and uses more formal language, improving clarity and precision.
"For an example" -> "For example"
Explanation: "For example" is the correct form, without the definite article "an" before "example" when introducing an example.
"thousands of workers have to change their career for a better living" -> "thousands of workers are compelled to change careers in pursuit of better living conditions"
Explanation: This revision uses more formal language and clarifies the motivation behind the career changes, enhancing the academic tone.
"the lack of workers in many necessary industries" -> "the shortage of skilled labor in various essential industries"
Explanation: "The shortage of skilled labor in various essential industries" is more precise and formal, specifying the type of labor and industries involved.
"the fortune of famous people with a lot of penthouse, supercar, parties," -> "the opulence of famous individuals, including numerous penthouses, supercars, and lavish parties"
Explanation: This revision uses more precise and formal vocabulary, enhancing the academic tone and clarity of the description.
"Everyday, a lot of people have to live in the poorest conditions" -> "daily, many individuals face impoverished living conditions"
Explanation: "Daily, many individuals face impoverished living conditions" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "a lot of people have to live in the poorest conditions."
"suffer from starvation, wars, diseases…" -> "suffer from malnutrition, conflicts, and diseases"
Explanation: This revision uses more specific and formal terms, enhancing the academic tone and clarity of the examples given.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt directly by expressing strong agreement with the statement that celebrities are paid too much money. It discusses two main reasons: the disparity in pay between essential workers and celebrities, and the extravagant spending habits of celebrities while societal issues persist.
- How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, the essay could delve deeper into the counter-arguments or alternative perspectives on why celebrities might deserve their high salaries, thereby providing a more balanced view.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, clearly stating agreement with the prompt from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: While the position is clear, ensuring that each paragraph reinforces this position with supporting arguments and examples would strengthen coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents two main ideas: salary disparity between celebrities and essential workers, and extravagant spending by celebrities. Each idea is supported with examples (e.g., teacher’s low salary contrasted with a singer’s high earnings).
- How to improve: To extend ideas further, the essay could explore the societal impact of celebrity influence or provide more nuanced examples of how celebrity wealth affects public perception or social priorities.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on whether celebrities are paid too much money. However, there are minor deviations when discussing issues like labor shortages in Vietnam, which, while related, could be more directly tied back to the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points connect directly to the central argument about celebrity salaries, avoiding tangential discussions that may distract from the main theme.

Overall, the essay effectively argues its viewpoint that celebrities are overpaid, supported by examples and a clear, consistent position. To improve, deeper exploration of counter-arguments and ensuring every paragraph reinforces the main stance would elevate the coherence and depth of analysis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally clear and logical organization. It begins with an introduction that sets up the argument, followed by two main body paragraphs that each present a distinct reason supporting the thesis. The conclusion succinctly restates the opinion. However, there are moments where transitions between ideas could be smoother, such as between discussing essential workers and celebrities’ spending habits.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases or linking words (e.g., "furthermore," "conversely") to better connect ideas across paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph builds on the previous one, maintaining a clear thread of argumentation.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument (e.g., essential workers’ salaries, celebrities’ spending habits), with clear topic sentences that guide the reader. However, the third paragraph, which serves as the conclusion, is brief and could benefit from expanding on the implications of the argument.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing key points from the body paragraphs and reinforcing the stance taken on the prompt. This will provide a more comprehensive closure to the essay, leaving a lasting impression on the reader.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs basic cohesive devices such as pronouns ("it," "that"), conjunctions ("while," "but"), and linking words ("for instance," "on the other hand"). These devices generally help in connecting ideas within and between sentences. However, there is room to incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices (e.g., transitional adverbs like "moreover," "therefore") to enhance coherence further.
- How to improve: Introduce a greater variety of cohesive devices to strengthen the logical progression of ideas. Use them strategically to clarify relationships between sentences and paragraphs, ensuring a smoother flow of thought throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, refining the use of transitional phrases and expanding the conclusion would elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially pushing it towards a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary with attempts to articulate ideas clearly. For example, it uses terms like "essential workers," "contribute to society," "luxury," "penthouse," and "supercar." However, there is repetition and some lack of variety in expression, such as the frequent use of "money" and "celebrities."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "money," use alternatives like "income," "earnings," or "compensation." Additionally, exploring more nuanced vocabulary related to economic disparities and societal impact would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, such as "essential workers," but there are instances of imprecise or awkward usage, like "low paid" instead of "low-paid." This affects the clarity and effectiveness of communication.
- How to improve: To improve precision, focus on using terms correctly and appropriately. Review each sentence for clarity and ensure that terms are used in the correct form. For example, "low-paid jobs" instead of "jobs which have the lowest paid." This helps in conveying ideas more effectively and professionally.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate, with minor errors like "penthouse" instead of "penthouse" and "facebook" instead of "Facebook." These errors do not significantly hinder comprehension but should be corrected for formal writing standards.
- How to improve: Pay attention to correct spelling of proper nouns and commonly used terms. Proofreading and using spell-check tools can help minimize spelling errors and improve overall clarity and professionalism in writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competency in vocabulary usage and spelling, there are opportunities for refinement to achieve higher lexical resource band scores. Strengthening vocabulary variety, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to clearer communication and more impactful expression of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. It effectively uses transitions and connectors to enhance coherence, such as "To begin with," "On the other hand," and "After all."
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s sentence variety, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures, such as conditional sentences (e.g., "If celebrities were to allocate more resources…") or passive constructions where appropriate. This would elevate the sophistication of expression without compromising clarity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy throughout, with minor errors that do not impede understanding. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "a teacher gives children knowledge" should be "teachers give children knowledge") and incorrect verb tense usage (e.g., "a teacher only receives" should be "receives only").
- How to improve: To enhance accuracy, focus on ensuring consistent subject-verb agreement and verb tense usage throughout the essay. Proofreading for these specific errors can significantly improve clarity and precision. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation, particularly commas for clarity and correctness in complex sentence structures.

Overall, this essay effectively conveys its argument with a clear structure and sufficient grammatical range. With targeted improvements in sentence complexity and grammatical accuracy, the essay could achieve an even higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, owing to advancements in social media, an increasing number of individuals are achieving fame. This has led to the belief that celebrities are paid far too much money. I fully concur with this perspective and will elaborate on my opinion in this essay.

To begin with, essential personnel, such as teachers and doctors, play crucial roles in societal functioning, yet they often receive low salaries. These individuals contribute significantly to society by imparting knowledge and life skills to children. For example, a teacher not only educates but also prepares young minds for adulthood. In stark contrast, celebrities, while enjoying substantial salaries, do not contribute as significantly to our lives as do essential personnel. This wage disparity contributes to a shortage of skilled labor in various essential industries. For instance, many workers are compelled to change careers in pursuit of better living conditions due to inadequate compensation.

Furthermore, many celebrities indulge in extravagant expenditures on luxury items such as penthouses, supercars, and lavish parties. These expenditures are often flaunted on social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram. Meanwhile, thousands of individuals face impoverished living conditions daily, suffering from malnutrition, conflicts, and diseases. The disparity between the opulence of famous individuals and the struggles of the less fortunate underscores the imbalance in resource allocation in our society.

In conclusion, the issue of excessive payment to celebrities is undeniable. Essential workers who contribute significantly to societal well-being receive meager compensation compared to the lavish lifestyles of celebrities. This situation not only highlights the need for fairer wage distribution but also underscores the misplaced priorities in our society. Therefore, I firmly agree that famous individuals are paid far too much money.

This revision aims to maintain the original structure and vocabulary of the essay while refining grammatical errors and ensuring clarity.