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Do you think professional athleres receive too much money? Why or why not?

Do you think professional athleres receive too much money? Why or why not?

Many people argue that sports athletes are paid too much. While I agree that the income of athletes are sometimes unfairly high, there are some reasons I believe that they deserve their earnings. First, sports often require dedication in time, health, and personal lives to achieve success. One time, the media revealed a story of 5-6-year-old kids who had to go abroad and went through a decade of hard training to become professional gymnastics athletes. That story demonstrates the challenges and sacrifices that athletes have to suffer to reach recognition and start to earn money. Second. The career spans of athletes are very short. The general retired age is over sixty years old, but most sports athletes are in their prime till 30 years old. They have a shorter time to make money, so it is logical for them to have larger wages than other jobs. Finally, well-known sports athletes can attract many supporters and audiences. Those viewers can generate huge amounts of money from tickets, broadcast copyrights, and advertisements. That is the main reason for their high earnings. In conclusion, I believe sports athletes deserve the money they earn for multiple reasons.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Many people argue" -> "It is commonly argued"
    Explanation: "It is commonly argued" shifts the phrase to a more formal and passive construction, which is preferred in academic writing to avoid the first-person pronoun "people" and to convey a more objective tone.

  2. "sports athletes" -> "sports athletes"
    Explanation: The term "sports athletes" is redundant. "Athletes" alone is sufficient and more concise.

  3. "the income of athletes are" -> "the income of athletes"
    Explanation: The verb "are" should be removed as it is unnecessary in this context, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.

  4. "there are some reasons I believe" -> "there are several reasons why"
    Explanation: "Several reasons why" is more formal and precise, aligning better with academic style by providing a clear causal connection.

  5. "dedication in time, health, and personal lives" -> "dedication of time, health, and personal resources"
    Explanation: "Personal resources" is a more precise term than "personal lives," which is vague and informal. It also maintains the formal tone.

  6. "One time, the media revealed" -> "On one occasion, the media reported"
    Explanation: "On one occasion" is a more formal expression than "One time," and "reported" is more appropriate than "revealed" in this context, which typically implies a discovery rather than a deliberate act of sharing information.

  7. "5-6-year-old kids" -> "children aged 5-6"
    Explanation: "Children aged 5-6" is more formal and precise than "5-6-year-old kids," which is informal and less specific.

  8. "went through a decade of hard training" -> "underwent a decade of rigorous training"
    Explanation: "Underwent" is more formal than "went through," and "rigorous" is a more precise adjective than "hard" in this context.

  9. "sacrifices that athletes have to suffer" -> "sacrifices that athletes must endure"
    Explanation: "Must endure" is more formal and academically appropriate than "have to suffer," which can sound overly emotional and informal.

  10. "The career spans of athletes are very short." -> "The career spans of athletes are typically short."
    Explanation: "Typically" provides a more precise and formal alternative to "very," which is vague and informal.

  11. "The general retired age is over sixty years old" -> "The typical retirement age is over sixty years old"
    Explanation: "Typical" is more specific and formal than "general," which is vague and less precise.

  12. "most sports athletes are in their prime till 30 years old" -> "most athletes reach their prime by the age of 30"
    Explanation: "Reach their prime by the age of 30" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea, avoiding the informal "till."

  13. "well-known sports athletes" -> "well-known athletes"
    Explanation: "Athletes" is sufficient and more concise without redundancy.

  14. "can attract many supporters and audiences" -> "can attract numerous supporters and spectators"
    Explanation: "Numerous" is more formal than "many," and "spectators" is the correct term for people attending sports events, not "audiences," which is broader and less specific.

  15. "That is the main reason for their high earnings." -> "This is the primary reason for their high earnings."
    Explanation: "This" is more formal than "That," and "primary" is more precise than "main," enhancing the academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging both sides of the argument regarding whether professional athletes are overpaid. However, it does not fully explore the reasons why some might argue that athletes are paid too much. The mention of "unfairly high" incomes is vague and lacks elaboration. The essay primarily focuses on justifying high earnings without adequately presenting counterarguments or a balanced view.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly outline the reasons why some people believe athletes earn too much, such as the disparity between their earnings and those of essential workers or the impact of commercialization in sports. Including a counterargument would provide a more comprehensive answer to the question.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that athletes deserve their earnings, but this stance is somewhat muddled by the initial agreement that their income can be "unfairly high." This inconsistency may confuse readers about the writer’s true perspective. The transition from agreeing with the notion of high pay to justifying it lacks clarity.
    • How to improve: The writer should establish a clear thesis statement in the introduction that unequivocally states their position. Consistently reinforcing this position throughout the essay, perhaps by using phrases like "Despite some arguments against high salaries, I firmly believe…" would help maintain clarity.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents some valid points regarding the dedication required in sports, the short career spans of athletes, and their ability to generate revenue. However, these ideas are not fully developed. For instance, the anecdote about young gymnasts is interesting but lacks depth in analysis. The reasoning behind the financial dynamics of sports could be further elaborated.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, discussing specific financial figures or statistics related to athlete earnings or the revenue generated by sports events could provide stronger support for their claims. Additionally, expanding on each point with more examples would enhance the overall argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the earnings of professional athletes. However, the initial acknowledgment of the unfairness of their high pay introduces a slight deviation from the main argument. The conclusion reiterates the main point but does not summarize the supporting arguments effectively.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should avoid introducing conflicting ideas that may distract from the main argument. A more structured approach, with clear topic sentences for each paragraph that directly relate back to the prompt, would help reinforce the essay’s relevance. Additionally, summarizing the key points in the conclusion would provide a stronger closure to the argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic but requires more depth, clarity, and balance to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the earnings of professional athletes, with a logical progression from the introduction to the conclusion. Each point is introduced in a structured manner, starting with the dedication required, followed by the short career spans, and concluding with the financial impact athletes have on the sports industry. However, the transition between points could be smoother; for instance, the shift from discussing dedication to career spans feels abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that connect ideas more fluidly. For example, after discussing dedication, you could introduce the next point with a phrase like, "In addition to the dedication required, another factor to consider is the short career span of athletes." This would create a more cohesive narrative.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into paragraphs, with each paragraph addressing a specific point. However, the second point begins with "Second." which is grammatically incorrect and disrupts the flow. Additionally, the conclusion is somewhat abrupt and does not effectively summarize the main points discussed.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For example, instead of starting the second point with "Second.", you could say, "Another significant reason is the short career spans of athletes." Furthermore, in the conclusion, briefly restate the key arguments made in the body paragraphs to reinforce the overall message of the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," and "finally," which help to organize the points. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and there are instances where more sophisticated devices could enhance clarity. For example, the phrase "That story demonstrates…" could be better connected to the preceding sentence for improved coherence.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "On the other hand" to introduce new points or contrast ideas. Additionally, ensure that pronouns and synonyms are used effectively to avoid repetition and maintain clarity. For example, instead of repeating "athletes," you could use "they" or "these individuals" in subsequent references.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially improving the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "dedication," "recognition," and "wages." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrase "sports athletes" is used multiple times, which could be varied with synonyms like "sports professionals" or "athletes." Additionally, phrases like "high earnings" and "larger wages" could be diversified to include terms such as "substantial compensation" or "significant remuneration."
    • How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary lists related to sports and economics can help in finding alternative expressions. Practicing writing with varied vocabulary in mind will also aid in developing a more diverse lexicon.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the income of athletes are sometimes unfairly high" contains a grammatical error ("are" should be "is"). Additionally, the use of "suffer" in "sacrifices that athletes have to suffer" is somewhat awkward; "endure" or "face" would be more appropriate. The term "general retired age" is also vague and could be more accurately expressed as "typical retirement age."
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement and selecting words that convey the intended meaning more accurately. Reading extensively and paying attention to context can help in understanding how to use words more precisely. Additionally, practicing sentence structure and grammar will enhance overall clarity.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors. However, the term "athleres" in the prompt appears to be a typographical error and should be corrected to "athletes." Such errors can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should develop a habit of proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial. Regular practice with spelling exercises and quizzes can further solidify spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of "While I agree that the income of athletes are sometimes unfairly high, there are some reasons I believe that they deserve their earnings" effectively combines contrasting ideas. However, the essay could benefit from more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or varied introductory phrases, to enhance the sophistication of the writing.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that utilize subordinate clauses or conditional phrases. For example, instead of saying, "The career spans of athletes are very short," you could say, "Although the career spans of athletes are generally short, they often earn substantial incomes during their peak years." This not only adds variety but also deepens the argument.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies, such as "the income of athletes are sometimes unfairly high," where "are" should be "is" to agree with the singular noun "income." Additionally, punctuation issues arise, such as the use of a period instead of a comma after "Second," which disrupts the flow of the sentence. The phrase "to suffer to reach recognition" is also awkwardly constructed and could be clearer.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of punctuation. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing sentence construction can help. For example, revising the problematic sentence to "the challenges and sacrifices that athletes must endure to gain recognition" would improve clarity and correctness. Additionally, proofreading for punctuation errors, especially in transitional phrases, can help maintain the flow of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Many people argue that sports athletes are paid too much. While I agree that the income of athletes is sometimes unfairly high, there are several reasons why I believe they deserve their earnings. First, sports often require a significant dedication of time, health, and personal resources to achieve success. On one occasion, the media reported a story of children aged 5-6 who had to go abroad and underwent a decade of rigorous training to become professional gymnastics athletes. That story demonstrates the challenges and sacrifices that athletes must endure to gain recognition and start earning money.

Second, the career spans of athletes are typically short. The typical retirement age is over sixty years old, but most athletes reach their prime by the age of 30. They have a shorter time to make money, so it is logical for them to have larger wages than those in other professions. Finally, well-known athletes can attract numerous supporters and spectators. These viewers can generate huge amounts of revenue from ticket sales, broadcast rights, and advertisements. This is the primary reason for their high earnings.

In conclusion, I believe sports athletes deserve the money they earn for multiple reasons.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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