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Doctors should be responsible for educating their patients about how to improve their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Doctors should be responsible for educating their patients about how to improve their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Whether doctors should teach patients how to improve their well-being is a topic of interest. I disagree with this statement, despite acknowledging the reasons behind it.
Granted, proponents of doctors’ role as an educator for patients may assert that doctors possess specialized knowledge with many years of experience regarding the healthcare realm, thereby easily aiding people in bettering both their physical and mental health. These assistance may include how to create a balanced diet or how to cope with stress and anxiety in such a competitive world. These assistance, undoubtedly, can help people improve their health more effectively. However, this perspective fails to factor in the complexity involved of such in-depth knowledge imparted by doctors, rendering this proposal difficult to achieve. Hardly understanding the knowledge required, patients cannot enhance their health based on doctors’ knowledge as a result.
Of course, there is also an argument that doctors can provide personalized health advice for each patient based on their medical conditions, ensuring a holistic approach to health improvement. For example, those who are diagnosed with cardiovascular disease can be taught the method of stabilizing their heartbeat and what should refrain from doing so as not to exacerbate the existing health problem. However, this perspective is myopic, overlooking the fact that health advice personalization can be challenging to provide for all, as each case requires such a long process of examining, researching before concluding a final and comprehensive roadmap to health enhancement. Such onus, if placed on doctors, could engender stress among them. Also, this approach may be ineffective in the long run, as doctors have other urgent problems to deal with such as operating patients.
In conclusion, while there are justifications for advocating the idea of doctors teaching people knowledge to better their health, I would contend that such a proposal will not come in handy, given the complexity of knowledge involved and the fact that specialized advice, suggested by some, will be impossible.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Whether doctors should teach patients how to improve their well-being is a topic of interest. I disagree with this statement, despite acknowledging the reasons behind it."
    -> "The question of whether doctors should instruct patients on enhancing their well-being is a matter of interest. I disagree with this proposition, despite acknowledging the underlying rationale."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, using "instruct" instead of "teach," and choosing a more academic tone by replacing "topic of interest" with "matter of interest."

  2. "Granted, proponents of doctors’ role as an educator for patients may assert that doctors possess specialized knowledge with many years of experience regarding the healthcare realm, thereby easily aiding people in bettering both their physical and mental health."
    -> "Granted, advocates of the role of doctors as educators for patients may argue that physicians possess specialized knowledge gained through years of experience in the healthcare domain, thus facilitating assistance in improving both physical and mental health."
    Explanation: The revision enhances precision and formality, replacing "proponents" with "advocates," and refining the description of doctors’ expertise in the healthcare domain.

  3. "These assistance may include how to create a balanced diet or how to cope with stress and anxiety in such a competitive world."
    -> "This assistance may encompass guidance on creating a balanced diet or coping with stress and anxiety in an increasingly competitive world."
    Explanation: Simplifying the sentence structure and improving conciseness while maintaining formality.

  4. "These assistance, undoubtedly, can help people improve their health more effectively."
    -> "Undoubtedly, this assistance can significantly contribute to people’s health improvement."
    Explanation: Streamlining the sentence for clarity, removing redundancy, and using a more concise and formal expression.

  5. "However, this perspective fails to factor in the complexity involved of such in-depth knowledge imparted by doctors, rendering this proposal difficult to achieve."
    -> "However, this perspective overlooks the inherent complexity of the in-depth knowledge imparted by doctors, making the realization of this proposal challenging."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality and clarity by rephrasing and choosing more precise terms.

  6. "Hardly understanding the knowledge required, patients cannot enhance their health based on doctors’ knowledge as a result."
    -> "With limited comprehension of the requisite knowledge, patients find it challenging to improve their health based on the insights provided by doctors."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality, replacing "Hardly understanding" with "With limited comprehension" for a more academic tone.

  7. "Of course, there is also an argument that doctors can provide personalized health advice for each patient based on their medical conditions, ensuring a holistic approach to health improvement."
    -> "Certainly, an argument exists that doctors can offer personalized health advice tailored to each patient’s medical conditions, ensuring a holistic approach to health enhancement."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality, replacing "Of course" with "Certainly," and refining the wording for precision.

  8. "For example, those who are diagnosed with cardiovascular disease can be taught the method of stabilizing their heartbeat and what should refrain from doing so as not to exacerbate the existing health problem."
    -> "For instance, individuals diagnosed with cardiovascular disease can receive guidance on stabilizing their heartbeat and understanding activities to avoid exacerbating the existing health issue."
    Explanation: Improving precision, using "receive guidance" for formality, and refining the expression of health advice.

  9. "However, this perspective is myopic, overlooking the fact that health advice personalization can be challenging to provide for all, as each case requires such a long process of examining, researching before concluding a final and comprehensive roadmap to health enhancement."
    -> "However, this perspective is narrow, overlooking the challenge of providing personalized health advice for all, as each case demands a thorough process of examination and research before formulating a final and comprehensive roadmap for health enhancement."
    Explanation: Substituting "myopic" with "narrow" for a more formal tone, rephrasing for clarity, and using more precise terms.

  10. "Such onus, if placed on doctors, could engender stress among them. Also, this approach may be ineffective in the long run, as doctors have other urgent problems to deal with such as operating patients."
    -> "Placing such a burden on doctors could induce stress among them. Additionally, this approach may prove ineffective in the long run, considering that doctors have other pressing responsibilities, such as performing surgeries on patients."
    Explanation: Enhancing formality, replacing "onus" with "burden," and refining the expression for clarity and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay provides a clear stance on whether doctors should be responsible for educating their patients about improving health. It acknowledges the opposing view but leans towards disagreement. However, the essay could have delved deeper into the reasons behind the disagreement.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could have explored additional reasons for disagreement or provided more detailed explanations for the given reasons. It’s important to thoroughly address all facets of the prompt.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position by disagreeing with the idea of doctors educating patients about health. The stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the essay could explicitly state the main reasons for disagreement in the introduction and revisit them in the conclusion. This would reinforce the essay’s overall coherence.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with reasonable development and support. It provides examples and explanations to illustrate both sides of the argument. However, the development could be more extensive for a higher score.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should elaborate on each point with more depth, providing additional examples or evidence. This will enhance the overall coherence and persuasiveness of the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, addressing the role of doctors in patient education. However, some sections could be more focused, particularly when discussing the challenges doctors might face.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid broad generalizations and ensure that each point directly relates to the central argument. This will make the essay more cohesive and aligned with the prompt.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory response to the prompt, earning a band score of 6. To improve, it should delve deeper into reasons, explicitly state the main points, provide more extensive development, and maintain focused discussions.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction clearly presents the writer’s stance, and subsequent paragraphs provide supporting arguments. However, there is room for improvement in the organization of ideas within paragraphs. Some points could be better connected for a smoother flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider developing a stronger connection between sentences within paragraphs. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through your thoughts more smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument to avoid confusion.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is adequately paragraphed, with distinct sections for the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, within the body paragraphs, there is a tendency to combine multiple ideas in a single paragraph, leading to occasional confusion.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to paragraph structure. Each paragraph should ideally present and develop a single main idea. If there are multiple points within a paragraph, consider breaking them into separate paragraphs to enhance clarity and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases (e.g., "Granted," "However," "Of course," "In conclusion"). These contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is a need for more nuanced and varied use of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas.
    • How to improve: Expand your repertoire of cohesive devices. Instead of relying on common transitional phrases, experiment with different ways of linking sentences. This could include using pronouns, parallel structure, or other cohesive techniques. Ensure that the connections between sentences are not only clear but also add depth to the overall argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a decent level of coherence and cohesion, but refining the organization within paragraphs and diversifying the use of cohesive devices will further enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words and phrases, but it falls short of showcasing a consistently wide lexicon. For instance, repeated use of phrases such as "improve their health" and "knowledge involved" suggests a reliance on a limited set of expressions.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions. Use specific and varied terms to articulate ideas, avoiding repetition. Instead of relying on generic phrases, explore nuances in language to convey a more nuanced understanding of the topic.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary effectively; however, there are instances where precision could be improved. For example, the term "hardly understanding" may be considered imprecise. A more precise term could be used to convey the idea of patients struggling to comprehend complex medical knowledge.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by choosing words that accurately convey the intended meaning. In this case, consider using phrases like "limited comprehension" or "struggling to grasp," which better capture the nuanced idea of patients facing difficulties in understanding.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. There are no glaring spelling errors that significantly detract from the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: Maintain the current standard of spelling accuracy by proofreading carefully. As an additional step, consider utilizing spell-check tools to catch any inadvertent errors. Cultivate a habit of reviewing written work to ensure consistent spelling precision.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of language, improvements in vocabulary range and precision could elevate the lexical resource score. Focus on diversifying vocabulary and using words with precision to enhance the overall quality of expression. Additionally, continue practicing careful proofreading to uphold the current standard of correct spelling.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, conditional sentences, and compound sentences. For instance, the use of a conditional sentence is evident in the phrase "Granted, proponents of doctors’ role as an educator for patients may assert…". Additionally, complex sentences like "However, this perspective is myopic, overlooking the fact that health advice personalization can be challenging to provide for all…" showcase a good range.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence structures with subordinate clauses and varied sentence lengths. Additionally, be cautious not to overuse certain structures, as this can lead to repetition.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay exhibits a commendable level of grammatical accuracy, with clear subject-verb agreement and proper use of tenses. Punctuation is generally accurate, and there is appropriate use of commas and periods throughout the essay. However, there are a few instances where sentence structures could be refined for clarity.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to sentence structures to avoid potential ambiguity. For example, in the sentence "These assistance may include how to create a balanced diet or how to cope with stress and anxiety in such a competitive world," consider rephrasing for greater clarity: "This assistance may include guidance on creating a balanced diet or coping with stress and anxiety in a competitive world." Additionally, review the use of articles (e.g., "Hardly understanding the knowledge required") to ensure clarity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, with room for refinement in sentence structures for greater clarity and variety. Keep practicing and diversifying sentence structures while maintaining a high level of grammatical accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The question of whether doctors should instruct patients on enhancing their well-being is a matter of interest. I disagree with this proposition, despite acknowledging the underlying rationale.

Granted, advocates of the role of doctors as educators for patients may argue that physicians possess specialized knowledge gained through years of experience in the healthcare domain, thus facilitating assistance in improving both physical and mental health. This assistance may encompass guidance on creating a balanced diet or coping with stress and anxiety in an increasingly competitive world. Undoubtedly, this assistance can significantly contribute to people’s health improvement.

However, this perspective overlooks the inherent complexity of the in-depth knowledge imparted by doctors, making the realization of this proposal challenging. With limited comprehension of the requisite knowledge, patients find it challenging to improve their health based on the insights provided by doctors. Certainly, an argument exists that doctors can offer personalized health advice tailored to each patient’s medical conditions, ensuring a holistic approach to health enhancement. For instance, individuals diagnosed with cardiovascular disease can receive guidance on stabilizing their heartbeat and understanding activities to avoid exacerbating the existing health issue.

However, this perspective is narrow, overlooking the challenge of providing personalized health advice for all, as each case demands a thorough process of examination and research before formulating a final and comprehensive roadmap for health enhancement. Placing such a burden on doctors could induce stress among them. Additionally, this approach may prove ineffective in the long run, considering that doctors have other pressing responsibilities, such as performing surgeries on patients.

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