doing physical exercise
doing physical exercise
Nowadays, the student’s healthcare is the most important problem in school. Some people say that doing physical exercises should be a required part of every school day but others say not. This essay will discuss both views before coming to a conclusion.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why doing physical health should be required in school. Firstly, it can improve student’s health. Doing exercises regularly in school can help students balance between studying and taking care of health. Therefore, it will be necessary for each student to do physical exercises every school day. Moreover, this activity also can replace for the break-time because after 2 lessons, students need to do exercise to start the next lessons soberly. Secondly, it can help the student increase focus and concentration on their studying. Physical activity boosts blood flow to the brain, improving concentration, memory, and overall cognitive function, which can enhance academic performance. For example, each student feels conscious after doing exercises because doing an activity can help them concentrate on the lessons more. As a result, doing physical exercises can offer a number of advantages for each student.
On the other hand, doing physical exercises can make a few students uncomfortable. Each student after 2 lessons feel extremely tired and need to relax. Therefore, a students feel uncomfortable, dislike this activity and furthermore, a few students refuse to do this activity because of their tiredness and indisposed. Moreover, it can lose the relax time of students after hard lessons. Doing physical exercise after hard lessons is so difficult for each student to do. As a result, doing physical exercises everyday in school also have a plenty of disadvantages with each student
In conclusion,while doing physical exercises offers some advantages such as: balance between studying and healthcare or concentrating on studying,… It also has some disadvantages such as: uncomfortable, the loss of time,… that need considering carefully.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays." -
"the student’s healthcare" -> "students’ health"
Explanation: "Students’ health" is the correct possessive form and is more specific, avoiding the awkward and incorrect "student’s healthcare." -
"doing physical exercises should be a required part of every school day" -> "inclusion of physical exercise in the daily school curriculum"
Explanation: "Inclusion of physical exercise in the daily school curriculum" is more formal and precise, avoiding the casual phrasing of "doing physical exercises." -
"but others say not" -> "but others argue against"
Explanation: "Argue against" is a more formal and precise way to express disagreement, enhancing the academic tone. -
"doing physical health should be required" -> "the requirement of physical exercise"
Explanation: "The requirement of physical exercise" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "doing physical health." -
"it can improve student’s health" -> "it enhances students’ health"
Explanation: "Enhances" is a more precise verb than "improve," and "students’" is the correct plural possessive form. -
"balancing between studying and taking care of health" -> "balancing academic pursuits with health maintenance"
Explanation: "Balancing academic pursuits with health maintenance" is more specific and formal, replacing the vague "studying and taking care of health." -
"replace for the break-time" -> "serve as a replacement for break times"
Explanation: "Serve as a replacement for break times" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving clarity and precision. -
"after 2 lessons" -> "following two lessons"
Explanation: "Following two lessons" is more formal and avoids the informal "after 2 lessons." -
"start the next lessons soberly" -> "begin the subsequent lessons with renewed focus"
Explanation: "Begin the subsequent lessons with renewed focus" is more formal and avoids the colloquial "start the next lessons soberly." -
"can help the student increase focus and concentration" -> "can enhance students’ focus and concentration"
Explanation: "Enhance" is a more precise verb than "help," and "students’" is the correct plural possessive form. -
"doing an activity can help them concentrate" -> "participating in physical activity enhances their concentration"
Explanation: "Participating in physical activity enhances their concentration" is more formal and precise, replacing the casual "doing an activity can help them concentrate." -
"a students feel uncomfortable" -> "some students feel uncomfortable"
Explanation: "Some students" is grammatically correct and more appropriate than "a students," which is incorrect. -
"a few students refuse to do this activity" -> "a few students refuse to participate in this activity"
Explanation: "Participate in this activity" is more formal and specific than "do this activity." -
"doing physical exercise after hard lessons is so difficult" -> "engaging in physical exercise after intense lessons is challenging"
Explanation: "Engaging in physical exercise after intense lessons is challenging" uses more formal vocabulary and avoids the colloquial "so difficult." -
"doing physical exercises everyday in school also have a plenty of disadvantages" -> "daily physical exercise in school also presents numerous disadvantages"
Explanation: "Presents numerous disadvantages" is more formal and precise than "have a plenty of disadvantages," which is grammatically incorrect and informal.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding whether physical exercise should be a required part of the school day. The author presents reasons for both supporting and opposing views. However, the discussion lacks depth in exploring the counterarguments. For instance, while the essay mentions discomfort and tiredness as reasons against mandatory physical exercise, it does not elaborate on potential solutions or alternative perspectives that could enrich the discussion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each side of the argument is explored more thoroughly. This could involve providing specific examples or statistics that support each viewpoint, as well as considering potential compromises or solutions to the issues raised.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a balanced view but struggles to maintain a clear position throughout. The conclusion suggests a need for careful consideration but does not firmly state the author’s stance. This ambiguity can confuse readers about the writer’s ultimate viewpoint on the necessity of physical exercise in schools.
- How to improve: The writer should clearly articulate their position in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. A definitive statement in the conclusion that reflects the author’s viewpoint would help clarify their stance. Additionally, using phrases that indicate agreement or disagreement with the points made can strengthen the clarity of the position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the health benefits of exercise and its impact on concentration. However, these ideas are not sufficiently extended or supported. For example, the claim that physical activity boosts cognitive function is mentioned but not backed up with evidence or examples. The reasoning behind why students might feel uncomfortable is also vague and lacks specific details.
- How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. Incorporating research findings, expert opinions, or real-life examples can help substantiate claims and make arguments more persuasive. Additionally, expanding on the implications of each argument can provide a deeper understanding of the topic.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing physical exercise in schools. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing student discomfort without fully connecting it back to the main argument about the necessity of exercise. The phrasing and structure sometimes detract from the central theme.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the main argument. Using topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph can help keep the discussion on track. Additionally, avoiding vague language and ensuring that all points are relevant to the prompt will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity, depth, and overall effectiveness of their essay, potentially leading to a higher band score in Task Response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits of physical exercise to the drawbacks is somewhat abrupt. The argument for the benefits is well-supported, but the counterargument lacks depth and clarity. The use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" helps to delineate the two perspectives, but the connections between ideas within paragraphs could be stronger.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit linking phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after presenting the benefits, a transitional sentence could summarize the main points before introducing the drawbacks. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with a clear distinction between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each body paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be improved. For example, the second body paragraph discussing the drawbacks feels less cohesive, as the ideas presented are somewhat disjointed and lack supporting examples.
- How to improve: Focus on developing each paragraph more fully. For instance, when discussing the discomfort students may feel, provide specific examples or scenarios that illustrate this point. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one sentence to the next, possibly by using linking words or phrases to connect ideas.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Moreover," which help in structuring the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "as a result" is used, but it could be more effectively integrated to show the cause-and-effect relationship between physical activity and student performance.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "In addition," "Conversely," or "On the contrary." This will help to clarify relationships between ideas and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately and do not disrupt the natural flow of the writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on enhancing logical flow, developing paragraphs more fully, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the score in Coherence and Cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary related to the topic of physical exercise and its implications for students. Phrases like "improve student’s health," "boosts blood flow," and "enhance academic performance" show an attempt to use varied vocabulary. However, there are instances of repetition, such as "doing physical exercises" and "students," which detracts from the overall lexical variety.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "doing physical exercises," you could use terms like "engaging in physical activity," "participating in sports," or "exercising." Additionally, incorporating more academic or topic-specific vocabulary could elevate the essay’s quality.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes relevant vocabulary, some phrases lack precision. For instance, the phrase "doing physical health" is unclear and should be rephrased to "engaging in physical exercise" or "participating in physical activities." Additionally, the expression "a few students uncomfortable" is awkwardly constructed and could be more clearly stated as "some students may feel uncomfortable."
- How to improve: Focus on clarity and specificity in word choice. Review sentences to ensure that the vocabulary accurately conveys the intended meaning. For example, instead of "a students feel uncomfortable," it should be corrected to "some students feel uncomfortable." Regularly practicing paraphrasing and using vocabulary in context can also help improve precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
–Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "a students" (should be "students"), "relax time" (should be "relaxation time"), and "indisposed" (which is used incorrectly in context). These errors can distract the reader and detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a break and then review it for spelling mistakes. Additionally, using spell-check tools or writing practice exercises focused on commonly misspelled words can be beneficial. Regular reading and writing can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to properly spelled words in context.
By addressing these areas, the essay can improve its lexical resource score, ultimately leading to a higher overall band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, phrases like "doing physical exercises should be a required part of every school day" and "Physical activity boosts blood flow to the brain" show an ability to construct sentences that convey complex ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the use of "doing physical exercises" and "each student," which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "doing physical exercises," you could use participial phrases like "By engaging in physical exercises, students can…" or "Physical exercises, when incorporated into daily routines, can…" This will help to create a more engaging flow and demonstrate a wider range of grammatical structures.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of grammatical accuracy and errors. For example, the phrase "the student’s healthcare is the most important problem in school" correctly uses possessive form, but "a students feel uncomfortable" contains a grammatical error (should be "students feel uncomfortable"). Additionally, punctuation issues arise, such as the lack of a space after the comma in the conclusion ("In conclusion,while doing physical exercises…"). There are also instances of awkward phrasing, such as "can replace for the break-time," which should be "can replace break time."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread the essay for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and incorrect article usage. Practicing grammar exercises focusing on plural forms and possessives will also be beneficial. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding commas and spaces, will help to eliminate errors and improve the overall clarity of the writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation skills will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
**Improved Essay:**
Nowadays, students’ health is a significant concern in schools. Some people argue that doing physical exercise should be a required part of every school day, while others disagree. This essay will discuss both views before reaching a conclusion.
On the one hand, there are several reasons why physical exercise should be mandatory in schools. Firstly, it can enhance students’ health. Engaging in regular exercise can help students balance their academic pursuits with health maintenance. Therefore, it is essential for each student to participate in physical activities every school day. Moreover, this activity can serve as a replacement for break times because, after two lessons, students need to engage in physical exercise to begin the subsequent lessons with renewed focus. Secondly, physical activity can help students increase their focus and concentration on their studies. It boosts blood flow to the brain, improving memory and overall cognitive function, which can enhance academic performance. For example, students often feel more alert after exercising, as physical activity can help them concentrate better on their lessons. As a result, incorporating physical exercise into the school day can offer numerous advantages for each student.
On the other hand, some students may feel uncomfortable with the requirement of physical exercise. After two lessons, many students feel extremely tired and need to relax. Consequently, some students may dislike this activity and, furthermore, a few may refuse to participate due to their fatigue and discomfort. Additionally, it can reduce the relaxation time students have after challenging lessons. Engaging in physical exercise after intense lessons can be quite challenging for many students. As a result, the inclusion of physical exercise in the daily school curriculum also presents several disadvantages.
In conclusion, while doing physical exercises offers advantages such as balancing academic pursuits with health maintenance and enhancing concentration, it also has disadvantages, including discomfort and the loss of relaxation time. These factors need to be considered carefully.