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During holidays or weekends, young people spend less time on outdoor activities in the natural environment, such as hiking and mountain climbing. Why? What can be done to encourage them to go out?

During holidays or weekends, young people spend less time on outdoor activities in the natural environment, such as hiking and mountain climbing. Why? What can be done to encourage them to go out?

There has witnessed an increasing trend that youngsters, when having their day-offs, spend more time indoors in lieu of engaging in outdoor activities. This essay will shed light on the driving factors of this trend and also propose certain solutions to ease this problem.

This phenomenon is attributable to several factors. First and foremost, youngsters nowadays are addicted to online games and using smartphones.These technological devices are becoming ubiquitous, catering the youth’s entertainment demands with online games, films, and movies, surfing the internet and social media. And the contents of these games, programs are captivating and addictive, hence, youngsters might lean towards staying at home instead of involving in some physical taxing activities. Secondly, youth also have to cope with excessive demand in their workplaces and schools and universities. They need to work for long hours with a heavy workload during weekdays. This enormous physical and mental endeavor makes them physically and mentally drained, rendering them too exhausted to engage in any demanding activities at the weekend.
There are several solutions to tackle the problem. Firstly, parents and schools play a critical role in promoting active lifestyles and spending time close to nature. Therefore, by doing this, young people are aware of the negative consequences of a sedentary lifestyle, i.e the high risk of getting some lifestyle-related chronic diseases such as obesity, heart and bone problems. Added to this, schools, families and even employers should organize outdoor camps, excursions and outing trips to spark the spirit of exploring nature among young people and help them to keep this as a good habit. Finally, the government should also consider adding more green landscapes in urban planning and also run some campaigns to promote outdoor activities. For instance, local authorities can arrange sports day in local parks, offer free admission to the national parks.
In conclusion, it is clear that there are various reasons for young people on holidays to spend little time outdoors, and steps need to be taken to tackle this problem.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "There has witnessed an increasing trend that youngsters, when having their day-offs, spend more time indoors in lieu of engaging in outdoor activities."
    -> "There has been an increasing trend wherein youngsters, during their days off, spend more time indoors rather than engaging in outdoor activities."
    Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and lacks clarity. The suggested revision uses more formal language and structure to convey the same idea more clearly.

  2. "This essay will shed light on the driving factors of this trend and also propose certain solutions to ease this problem."
    -> "This essay will elucidate the underlying factors contributing to this trend and propose specific solutions to alleviate this issue."
    Explanation: The suggested changes use more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  3. "First and foremost, youngsters nowadays are addicted to online games and using smartphones."
    -> "Primarily, contemporary youths are increasingly drawn to online gaming and smartphone usage."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains clarity while replacing casual language with more formal and nuanced expressions.

  4. "These technological devices are becoming ubiquitous, catering the youth’s entertainment demands with online games, films, and movies, surfing the internet and social media."
    -> "These technological devices have become ubiquitous, addressing the youths’ entertainment needs through online games, films, internet surfing, and social media."
    Explanation: The revision corrects the grammar and provides a more formal structure for conveying the information.

  5. "And the contents of these games, programs are captivating and addictive, hence, youngsters might lean towards staying at home instead of involving in some physical taxing activities."
    -> "Moreover, the content of these games and programs is captivating and addictive; consequently, youngsters may incline towards staying at home instead of participating in physically demanding activities."
    Explanation: The improved version separates ideas into distinct clauses, making the sentence more structured and formal.

  6. "Secondly, youth also have to cope with excessive demand in their workplaces and schools and universities."
    -> "Secondly, young individuals must contend with high demands in their workplaces and educational institutions."
    Explanation: The revision uses more precise and formal language to convey the challenges faced by young individuals.

  7. "This enormous physical and mental endeavor makes them physically and mentally drained, rendering them too exhausted to engage in any demanding activities at the weekend."
    -> "This substantial physical and mental exertion leaves them physically and mentally fatigued, making them too exhausted to participate in any demanding activities during the weekend."
    Explanation: The suggested changes use more formal and precise language to describe the impact of physical and mental exertion.

  8. "By doing this, young people are aware of the negative consequences of a sedentary lifestyle, i.e the high risk of getting some lifestyle-related chronic diseases such as obesity, heart and bone problems."
    -> "Through such efforts, young people become cognizant of the adverse consequences of a sedentary lifestyle, namely the heightened risk of developing lifestyle-related chronic diseases such as obesity, cardiovascular issues, and bone problems."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and provides a clearer enumeration of lifestyle-related chronic diseases.

  9. "Added to this, schools, families and even employers should organize outdoor camps, excursions and outing trips to spark the spirit of exploring nature among young people and help them to keep this as a good habit."
    -> "In addition to this, schools, families, and employers should organize outdoor camps, excursions, and outings to ignite the spirit of exploring nature among young people and help them cultivate this as a positive habit."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality and clarity, using a more precise and structured expression.

  10. "For instance, local authorities can arrange sports day in local parks, offer free admission to the national parks."
    -> "For instance, local authorities can organize sports days in local parks and provide free admission to national parks."
    Explanation: The improved version streamlines the expression and enhances formality without sacrificing clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "There has witnessed an increasing trend that youngsters, when having their day-offs, spend more time indoors in lieu of engaging in outdoor activities."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The introduction lacks clarity in presenting the writer’s position on the topic. It’s essential to clearly state whether you agree or disagree with the given statement to establish a strong foundation for your essay. Provide a concise summary of the main points you intend to discuss in the body paragraphs for improved structure and coherence.
    • Improved example: "There has been a noticeable surge in the trend of young people spending their leisure time indoors rather than participating in outdoor activities. In this essay, I will examine the factors contributing to this shift and propose effective solutions to encourage outdoor engagement among the youth."
  2. Quoted text: "This phenomenon is attributable to several factors. First and foremost, youngsters nowadays are addicted to online games and using smartphones. These technological devices are becoming ubiquitous, catering to the youth’s entertainment demands with online games, films, and movies, surfing the internet and social media."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The points raised regarding technology addiction are valid, but the argument lacks depth in development. Provide specific examples or personal experiences to illustrate the impact of technology on young people’s preferences for indoor activities. Additionally, emphasize the importance of balancing screen time with outdoor pursuits for a more compelling argument.
    • Improved example: "This phenomenon can be attributed to the growing addiction of youngsters to online games and smartphones. For instance, a recent study revealed that the average screen time among young people has doubled in the past decade. Drawing on personal experience, my younger cousin’s preference for virtual worlds over outdoor adventures exemplifies this trend. It is crucial to highlight the need for a balanced lifestyle, incorporating both digital entertainment and outdoor activities."
  3. Quoted text: "There are several solutions to tackle the problem. Firstly, parents and schools play a critical role in promoting active lifestyles and spending time close to nature."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The proposed solutions are generally valid, but the argument lacks depth in discussing each solution. Elaborate further on how parents and schools can actively promote outdoor activities. Provide concrete examples or anecdotes to support your suggestions. Additionally, consider addressing potential challenges or counterarguments to strengthen the persuasiveness of your proposed solutions.
    • Improved example: "To address this issue, parents and schools can play a pivotal role in fostering active lifestyles. For instance, parents can organize family outings to parks or nature reserves, instilling a love for outdoor activities from a young age. Schools, on the other hand, should integrate outdoor learning experiences into their curriculum. An illustrative example is the ‘Nature Day’ initiative implemented by a school, where students engage in environmental projects and outdoor excursions. By providing these tangible solutions, we can cultivate a culture that values and prioritizes outdoor experiences."

Overall, while the essay addresses the task and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in establishing a clear stance, developing arguments with depth and specificity, and enhancing the overall coherence and structure of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a fairly logical organization and clear progression of ideas. It maintains a structured approach, discussing the factors contributing to the decline in outdoor activities among young people during holidays or weekends and proposes solutions to address this issue. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and outlining the essay’s direction. Body paragraphs follow a logical sequence, addressing different reasons for the decline and offering corresponding solutions. Transitions are generally smooth, aiding the flow of ideas between paragraphs. The use of cohesive devices, such as cohesive links and referencing, is largely appropriate, contributing to coherence and readability.

However, while the essay generally presents a clear central topic within each paragraph, there are some instances where the development of ideas within paragraphs could be more focused. Additionally, the essay could benefit from further emphasis on the relationship between the reasons presented and their impact on the reduction of outdoor activities.

How to improve:

  1. Ensure each paragraph maintains a strong central focus on the presented idea or reason.
  2. Strengthen the connection between the reasons provided and their influence on the decline in outdoor activities, offering deeper analysis or examples.
  3. Pay attention to the use of more diverse and sophisticated cohesive devices to enhance the overall cohesion and coherence of the essay.
  4. Consider refining the conclusion by summarizing the key points discussed in the essay while reinforcing the importance of the proposed solutions.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary, but some inaccuracies are present. The essay discusses factors contributing to the trend of young people spending less time outdoors during holidays. It also suggests solutions, but the expression lacks the precision and sophistication needed for higher bands. There are occasional errors in word choice and spelling, such as "there has witnessed" instead of "there has been witnessed" and "catering the youth’s" instead of "catering to the youth’s."

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource score, focus on using a more varied and precise vocabulary. Avoid errors in word choice and spelling. Additionally, refine the expression to achieve a more natural and sophisticated control of lexical features. Pay attention to sentence structure for clearer communication. Consider proofreading to eliminate minor errors and enhance overall coherence.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. It presents a variety of ideas with reasonable clarity, yet it contains noticeable grammatical errors and occasional inaccuracies that somewhat affect the communication.

How to improve: To enhance the score, focus on refining the sentence structures further. Work on polishing grammatical accuracy and precision, especially in the use of tenses, subject-verb agreement, and sentence construction. Pay attention to punctuation for clearer and more fluent expression. Additionally, strive for more sophisticated vocabulary and a wider range of grammatical structures to elevate the overall language proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

There has been a noticeable increase in the tendency of young individuals to spend their leisure time indoors rather than participating in outdoor activities. This essay aims to explore the factors driving this trend and suggest potential solutions to address the issue.

This shift in behavior can be attributed to various factors. Firstly, the prevalence of online games and smartphones has captured the attention of today’s youth. These technological devices offer a wide array of entertainment options, such as online games, films, and social media, which can be highly captivating and addictive. Consequently, young people may prefer staying at home, engrossed in these activities, rather than engaging in physically demanding outdoor pursuits. Secondly, the demanding nature of work and academic responsibilities places a significant burden on the youth. Long working hours and heavy workloads during weekdays can leave them physically and mentally exhausted, making it challenging to participate in strenuous activities during weekends.

Several solutions can be implemented to address this issue. Firstly, parents and schools play a crucial role in promoting an active lifestyle and encouraging young people to spend time in nature. Creating awareness about the adverse effects of a sedentary lifestyle, such as the increased risk of lifestyle-related chronic diseases like obesity, heart, and bone problems, is essential. Additionally, organizing outdoor camps, excursions, and outings by schools, families, and employers can instill a sense of appreciation for nature among young individuals, fostering a positive habit. Lastly, government initiatives, such as incorporating more green spaces in urban planning and launching campaigns to promote outdoor activities, can contribute significantly. Local authorities, for example, can organize sports days in parks and offer free admission to national parks.

In conclusion, the reasons behind the limited outdoor engagement of young people during holidays are diverse, and proactive measures need to be taken to address this issue. Parents, schools, and the government all have roles to play in encouraging and facilitating outdoor activities for the well-being of the youth.

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