e diagram shows how plate glass and bottle glass are made.

he given process describes how to make the production of plate glass and bottle glass.

It is evident that there are numerous distinct stages in this process, starting with the collection of sand, limestone, and soda and ending with the production of plate glass and bottle glass.

At the beginning of the process the material including sand, soda, and limestone contained in a huge furnace where they are mixed and melted at approximately 1700 degrees celsius temperature. Then, molten glass flows to two long pipes to create different shape products. After that, when the molten glass goes through the left side pipe and then it is transferred to a large vat before moving to a small pipe and becoming by rollers.

In the remaining stage, the molten glass is passed the right side pipe and then it is pumped into compressed air to make cooling quickly before delivering to a removable mould. Finally, the bottle glass is taken out of the mould when it is cooled.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the given process" -> "the described process"
Explanation: "The given process" is somewhat vague and informal. "The described process" is more precise and suitable for an academic context, indicating that the process is being discussed or explained.
"distinct stages" -> "distinctive stages"
Explanation: "Distinct" can be used to describe things that are different or separate, but "distinctive" is more appropriate here as it implies that the stages are notable or characteristic of the process.
"At the beginning of the process the material" -> "Initially, the materials"
Explanation: "At the beginning of the process" is a bit verbose and informal. "Initially" is more concise and formal, and "materials" (plural) is more accurate as multiple materials are involved.
"contained in a huge furnace" -> "placed in a large furnace"
Explanation: "Contained" can imply a sense of being held or enclosed, which is not the intended meaning here. "Placed" is more accurate and formal for describing the positioning of materials in a furnace.
"mixed and melted at approximately 1700 degrees celsius temperature" -> "melted at a temperature of approximately 1700 degrees Celsius"
Explanation: "Mixed and melted" is redundant, as melting implies a change from solid to liquid state. "At a temperature of approximately 1700 degrees Celsius" is more precise and formal.
"Then, molten glass flows to two long pipes to create different shape products." -> "Subsequently, the molten glass flows through two long pipes to form various shapes."
Explanation: "Then" is informal and vague; "Subsequently" is more formal and precise. "Create different shape products" is awkward and unclear; "form various shapes" is clearer and more academically appropriate.
"After that, when the molten glass goes through the left side pipe and then it is transferred to a large vat before moving to a small pipe and becoming by rollers." -> "Next, the molten glass flows through the left pipe, then into a large vat, and subsequently through a smaller pipe, where it is shaped by rollers."
Explanation: "After that" is informal and vague; "Next" is more precise. The original sentence is overly complex and unclear; the revised version breaks it down into simpler, more formal clauses.
"passed the right side pipe" -> "passed through the right pipe"
Explanation: "Passed the right side pipe" is awkward and unclear. "Passed through the right pipe" is more direct and clear.
"pumped into compressed air to make cooling quickly" -> "subjected to compressed air to facilitate rapid cooling"
Explanation: "Make cooling quickly" is informal and imprecise. "Facilitate rapid cooling" is more formal and accurately describes the process.
"delivering to a removable mould" -> "placed in a removable mold"
Explanation: "Delivering to" is informal and less precise; "placed in" is more direct and formal. "Mold" should be capitalized as it refers to a specific type of equipment.
"the bottle glass is taken out of the mould when it is cooled" -> "the bottle glass is removed from the mold once it has cooled"
Explanation: "Taken out of the mould" is informal and slightly awkward; "removed from the mold" is more formal and precise. "When it is cooled" is vague; "once it has cooled" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the process, and the description is mechanical and lacks detail. The essay presents the key features/bullet points, but it does not adequately cover them.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clear overview of the process, including the main stages and the key features of each stage. The essay should also provide more detail about the process, including the specific materials used and the specific steps involved. The essay should also be more concise and avoid unnecessary repetition. For example, the essay could be improved by combining the sentences "After that, when the molten glass goes through the left side pipe and then it is transferred to a large vat before moving to a small pipe and becoming by rollers." into a single sentence. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "the molten glass is passed the right side pipe," the essay could say "the molten glass is poured into a mould."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information about the process of making plate glass and bottle glass, but it lacks clear overall progression and organization. While there is an attempt to describe the stages of production, the sequence of ideas is not entirely logical, and there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is inadequate or repetitive. For example, phrases like "the remaining stage" and "finally" are used, but they do not effectively guide the reader through the process. Additionally, paragraphing is not employed effectively, as the entire response is presented as a single block of text, making it difficult for the reader to follow the distinct stages of production.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the essay should be structured into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific stage of the glass-making process. Using a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas and ensuring that transitions between stages are smooth will improve clarity. Additionally, providing more detailed explanations of each stage can help establish a clearer progression of ideas. Lastly, avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring that all cohesive devices are used accurately will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the process of making plate glass and bottle glass, the vocabulary used is basic and repetitive. There are noticeable errors in word choice and sentence structure, such as "the production of plate glass and bottle glass" which could be more succinctly phrased. Additionally, phrases like "the material including sand, soda, and limestone contained in a huge furnace" lack clarity and grammatical accuracy. Errors in spelling and word formation, such as "he" instead of "the" and "becoming by rollers," may cause some difficulty for the reader.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including more specific terms related to the glass-making process. Using synonyms and varying sentence structures can help avoid repetition. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling and grammatical errors will improve clarity. Practicing the use of less common lexical items and ensuring accurate collocations will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex structures. However, there are frequent grammatical errors and inaccuracies, particularly in verb forms and sentence construction, which can cause some difficulty for the reader. For example, phrases like "the material including sand, soda, and limestone contained in a huge furnace" lack proper verb agreement and clarity. Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as missing commas that could enhance readability. Overall, while the essay conveys the basic process, the grammatical issues hinder effective communication.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Expand Sentence Variety: Incorporate a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences to demonstrate a wider range of structures.
Improve Verb Tenses and Agreement: Ensure that verbs agree with their subjects and use appropriate tenses consistently throughout the essay.
Enhance Punctuation: Use commas and other punctuation marks correctly to clarify meaning and improve the flow of the writing.
Proofreading: Review the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing before submission to catch mistakes that may disrupt communication.

Bài sửa mẫu

The given process describes the production of plate glass and bottle glass.

It is evident that there are numerous distinct stages in this process, starting with the collection of sand, limestone, and soda, and ending with the production of plate glass and bottle glass.

At the beginning of the process, the materials, including sand, soda, and limestone, are placed in a huge furnace where they are mixed and melted at a temperature of approximately 1700 degrees Celsius. Then, the molten glass flows through two long pipes to create different shaped products. After that, when the molten glass travels through the left-side pipe, it is transferred to a large vat before moving to a small pipe and being shaped by rollers.

In the remaining stage, the molten glass passes through the right-side pipe and is then pumped with compressed air to cool quickly before being delivered to a removable mould. Finally, the bottle glass is taken out of the mould once it has cooled.