Employees should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to help employees perform better in their jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge experience.

In certain nations, some individuals contend that staff should receive at least a month's holiday each year for better performance in their jobs. In my opinion, I partly agree with this viewpoint.
On the one hand, having a 4-week break positively affects the employees, particularly through their families and knowledge. Employees who receive a month's break tend to spend time traveling. Undertaking various trips not only facilitates their hands-on experiences but also enriches their cultural knowledge in different places. Therefore, when they return to work, their performances will be more effective and productive. At the same time, going far away from work for 4 weeks means increasing time for family, especially for children who need parents the most. Unsupervised children are more susceptible to social evils from their peers and social media, and parents fail to prevent them because of their busy schedules.
On the other hand, a 4-week holiday negatively impacts specific aspects such as travel and healthcare services. For instance, people who work in supermarkets and parks have to work without holiday breaks because their jobs are related to customer service. Unless they go to work while individuals have leisure time to relax, they will lose their opportunities to gain a huge profit for the companies. Additionally, in terms of healthcare services, emergency accidents may happen at any time and anywhere. so doctors have to work all the time to prevent serious problems with their patients. In a nutshell, for travel and healthcare services, it is essential to have just a breakdown time rather than a prolonged break.
In conclusion, while I agree that a 4-week holiday annually bring advantages through supervisor their children and enriching cultural knowledge, I would consider that travel and healthcare services' disruption lead to serious problems related to companies' profits and patients' life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In certain nations" -> "In some countries"
Explanation: "In certain nations" is somewhat vague and less precise than "In some countries," which is more commonly used in academic writing and provides a clearer geographical reference.
"staff should receive at least a month’s holiday" -> "employees should be granted at least a month’s leave"
Explanation: "Employees should be granted at least a month’s leave" is more formal and precise, aligning better with the context of employment policies and benefits in an academic essay.
"better performance in their jobs" -> "enhanced job performance"
Explanation: "Enhanced job performance" is a more formal and precise term that is commonly used in academic and professional contexts to describe improvements in work quality.
"having a 4-week break" -> "taking a four-week break"
Explanation: "Taking a four-week break" is more formal and specific, which is preferred in academic writing for clarity and precision.
"Employees who receive a month’s break tend to spend time traveling." -> "Employees who receive a month’s leave often engage in travel."
Explanation: "Engage in travel" is a more formal and precise way to describe the act of traveling, and "often" is a more academic term than "tend to," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"Undertaking various trips not only facilitates their hands-on experiences" -> "Undertaking various trips not only provides hands-on experiences"
Explanation: "Provides" is more direct and formal than "facilitates," which can be seen as less specific in this context.
"their performances will be more effective and productive" -> "their performance will be more effective and productive"
Explanation: "Performance" should be singular to refer to the general quality of work, aligning with formal academic style.
"going far away from work for 4 weeks" -> "taking a four-week absence from work"
Explanation: "Taking a four-week absence from work" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "going far away from work."
"Unsupervised children are more susceptible to social evils" -> "Unsupervised children are more vulnerable to negative influences"
Explanation: "Vulnerable to negative influences" is a more precise and formal way to describe the susceptibility of children to harmful influences, replacing the somewhat vague and informal "social evils."
"parents fail to prevent them" -> "parents are unable to prevent them"
Explanation: "Are unable to prevent" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "fail to prevent," which can sound too casual.
"a 4-week holiday negatively impacts specific aspects" -> "a four-week holiday negatively affects specific aspects"
Explanation: "Affects" is more precise and formal than "impacts," and "four-week" is preferred over "4-week" for formal writing.
"people who work in supermarkets and parks" -> "individuals working in supermarkets and parks"
Explanation: "Individuals working in supermarkets and parks" is more formal and avoids the casual tone of "people who work in."
"Unless they go to work while individuals have leisure time to relax" -> "Unless they work during leisure time"
Explanation: "Work during leisure time" is more concise and formal, avoiding the redundancy of "individuals have leisure time to relax."
"they will lose their opportunities to gain a huge profit" -> "they will forfeit significant revenue opportunities"
Explanation: "Forfeit significant revenue opportunities" is more precise and formal, replacing the colloquial "lose their opportunities to gain a huge profit."
"In a nutshell" -> "In summary"
Explanation: "In summary" is a more formal and academic way to conclude an argument, replacing the colloquial "In a nutshell."
"bring advantages through supervisor their children" -> "bring advantages by supervising their children"
Explanation: "By supervising their children" corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity and formality of the sentence.
"disruption lead to serious problems" -> "disruptions lead to serious problems"
Explanation: "Disruptions" should be plural to match the context of multiple areas affected, and "lead" should be used instead of "lead" for grammatical correctness.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of a 4-week holiday for employees. The author presents a balanced view, acknowledging the benefits of time off for personal development and family engagement, while also highlighting the potential negative impacts on certain sectors like customer service and healthcare. However, the response could be more comprehensive in addressing the extent of agreement or disagreement, as the phrase "I partly agree" is somewhat vague and lacks a clear stance on how strongly the author feels about the issue.
- How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the author should explicitly state their position more clearly at the beginning and ensure that each argument presented aligns with this stance. For instance, they could specify whether they believe the benefits outweigh the drawbacks or vice versa, and provide a more definitive conclusion reflecting this viewpoint.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay conveys a position that is somewhat clear but lacks consistency. The author starts with "I partly agree," which introduces ambiguity. The arguments presented for both sides are relevant, but the conclusion does not strongly reinforce the initial position, leaving the reader uncertain about the author’s ultimate stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently refer back to their initial statement throughout the essay. They could use phrases like "This supports my view that…" or "Despite these drawbacks, I believe…" to tie their arguments back to their main thesis. A stronger conclusion that reiterates their position with a summary of the key points would also help clarify their stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of cultural enrichment and family time, as well as the challenges faced by certain sectors. However, some points lack depth and specific examples. For instance, while the author mentions the benefits of travel, they do not provide concrete examples or personal experiences that could enhance their argument. Similarly, the discussion on healthcare could benefit from more detailed examples of how a lack of holidays affects patient care.
- How to improve: To improve this area, the author should aim to elaborate on their points with specific examples or anecdotes. For instance, they could discuss a personal experience or a well-known case where a lack of time off led to negative outcomes in a specific industry. This would not only strengthen their arguments but also make the essay more engaging.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of a 4-week holiday for employees. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For example, the mention of "social evils" related to unsupervised children, while relevant, could be more directly tied to the argument about the benefits of holidays for family time. Additionally, the discussion about customer service and healthcare could be more tightly linked to the overall argument about employee performance.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that each point made directly supports their main argument regarding the impact of holidays on employee performance. They could use topic sentences that clearly relate back to the thesis and avoid introducing tangential ideas that do not directly contribute to their argument.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, it would benefit from clearer positioning, more detailed examples, and tighter focus on the main thesis.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance, followed by two main body paragraphs that discuss both sides of the argument. The first paragraph effectively highlights the benefits of a 4-week holiday, such as enhancing cultural knowledge and family time. The second paragraph addresses the drawbacks, particularly in sectors like customer service and healthcare. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from discussing benefits to drawbacks feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that clearly indicate a shift in perspective, such as "Conversely" or "On the other hand." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the positive impacts of holidays, while the second addresses the negative consequences. However, the conclusion could be better integrated into the overall structure. It summarizes the main points but does not clearly restate the writer’s position in a way that reinforces the argument.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by explicitly stating the writer’s overall stance on the issue. This could involve reiterating the importance of balancing employee holidays with the operational needs of certain sectors. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus and that the ideas within each paragraph are logically ordered.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which help to differentiate between the two sides of the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "In a nutshell" is a good attempt at summarizing, but it could be more effectively integrated into the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In contrast," and "Consequently." This will help to create a more nuanced and fluid argument. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately and enhances the clarity of the argument rather than disrupting the flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "contend," "facilitates," "enriches," and "supervised." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the phrase "4-week break" is repeated multiple times, which could be replaced with synonyms or paraphrased for greater variety. Additionally, terms like "social evils" and "huge profit" could be expressed with more nuanced vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should consider using synonyms or related phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly saying "4-week break," alternatives like "month-long vacation" or "extended leave" could be employed. Furthermore, expanding vocabulary related to the topic, such as "work-life balance," "employee well-being," or "organizational productivity," would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are also instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "unsupervised children are more susceptible to social evils" is vague and could be interpreted in various ways. Additionally, the term "breakdown time" is unclear and does not effectively convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim for clarity in their word choices. Instead of "social evils," they could specify the risks, such as "negative influences" or "harmful behaviors." The phrase "breakdown time" could be replaced with "short breaks" or "brief respite" to clarify the intended meaning. Encouraging the use of specific examples and terminology will also help in achieving precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. However, there is a notable mistake in the sentence "so doctors have to work all the time to prevent serious problems with their patients," where "so" should be capitalized as it begins a new sentence. Additionally, the phrase "bring advantages through supervisor their children" contains a typographical error; "supervisor" should be "supervising."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on capitalization and common typographical errors. Utilizing spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud can help identify mistakes. Additionally, practicing spelling for commonly used academic vocabulary will aid in improving overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied and precise vocabulary, as well as ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance their overall performance in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "Undertaking various trips not only facilitates their hands-on experiences but also enriches their cultural knowledge" showcase the use of coordination and subordination effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a tendency to rely on similar structures, such as "employees who receive a month’s break" and "a 4-week holiday negatively impacts specific aspects." This limits the overall range of structures.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied sentence openers and using different grammatical forms. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "employees" or "a 4-week holiday," try using introductory phrases or clauses, such as "While many employees benefit from extended breaks…" or "In contrast to the advantages of a long holiday, certain sectors face challenges…" This will create a more dynamic flow and engage the reader more effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few errors. For instance, the phrase "so doctors have to work all the time to prevent serious problems with their patients" should begin with a capital letter ("So"). Additionally, there are some awkward constructions, such as "for travel and healthcare services, it is essential to have just a breakdown time rather than a prolonged break," which could be clearer. The use of commas is mostly correct, but there are instances where they could enhance clarity, such as before "especially for children" in the second paragraph.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading for capitalization errors and sentence clarity. Pay attention to the use of conjunctions and transitions to ensure sentences flow smoothly. Additionally, consider revising sentences that feel convoluted or unclear. For example, the sentence about healthcare services could be rephrased for clarity: "In the healthcare sector, emergency situations can arise at any time, necessitating that doctors remain available to prevent serious complications for their patients." This not only clarifies the meaning but also enhances the overall quality of the writing.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In certain countries, some individuals contend that employees should be granted at least a month’s leave each year to enhance job performance. In my opinion, I partly agree with this viewpoint.

On the one hand, taking a four-week break positively affects employees, particularly in terms of their family life and knowledge. Employees who receive a month’s leave often engage in travel. Undertaking various trips not only provides hands-on experiences but also enriches their cultural understanding of different places. Therefore, when they return to work, their performance will be more effective and productive. At the same time, taking a four-week absence from work allows for increased family time, especially for children who need their parents the most. Unsupervised children are more vulnerable to negative influences from their peers and social media, and parents are unable to prevent them from these risks due to their busy schedules.

On the other hand, a four-week holiday negatively affects specific sectors, such as travel and healthcare services. For instance, individuals working in supermarkets and parks must continue working without holiday breaks because their jobs are related to customer service. Unless they work during leisure time, they will forfeit significant revenue opportunities for their companies. Additionally, in terms of healthcare services, emergencies can occur at any time and anywhere. Therefore, doctors must be available consistently to prevent serious problems for their patients. In summary, for travel and healthcare services, it is essential to have just a breakdown time rather than a prolonged break.

In conclusion, while I agree that a four-week holiday annually brings advantages by supervising their children and enriching cultural knowledge, I believe that disruptions in travel and healthcare services can lead to serious problems related to companies’ profits and patients’ well-being.