Employers should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to help employees perform better in their jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Employers should give their staff at least a 4-week holiday a year to help employees
perform better in their jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is believed that companies should provide employees with at least 28 days off per year to enhance their performance in their job. Personally, I completely agree with this tendency, and these paragraphs will illustrate the benefits of employees having a 4-week holiday a year.

Firstly, people will have less stress when they rest more. To be specific, with less pressure, their mental health may be improved, which might help them to be more active and positive. Therefore, employees can pay more attention to their work when they are relaxed. Moreover, people may also have better sleep if they are not stressed, which will enhance their health so that they could be more energetic and willing to work longer. A study from Harvard University in 2019 illustrated that stress makes people nearly three times as likely to leave their jobs, temporarily impairs strategic thinking, and dulls creative abilities. In the end, employees’ performance will be improved, and companies might make more profit.

On the other hand, workers may have more spare time for other activities to better their lives. They can spend time with their family or friends and talk to or playing with them so that they might be more relieved. As a result, people will have a better life with less worries about family since they are able to stay with their family more. Following Therese Rubio’s research in 2022, family-focused benefits can also boost employees’ job satisfaction and overall well being. Consequently, employees can focus on their jobs, which may benefit companies as more work is done.

In conclusion, having at least 2 days off per month can benefit employers in various ways. Employees’ mental health could be enhanced when they are not so stressed, and their life might also be improved as they spend more time with their loved ones. Those will advance workers’ performance and bring more profit to companies.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is believed that" -> "It is widely acknowledged that"
   Explanation: "It is widely acknowledged that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a general opinion or belief in academic writing, enhancing the tone of authority and specificity.

2. "Personally, I completely agree with this tendency" -> "I strongly concur with this perspective"
   Explanation: "I strongly concur with this perspective" replaces the informal "Personally, I completely agree" with a more formal expression, aligning better with academic style.

3. "these paragraphs will illustrate" -> "the following discussion will elucidate"
   Explanation: "The following discussion will elucidate" is more formal and precise, fitting the academic style by implying a detailed analysis rather than a simple illustration.

4. "people will have less stress" -> "individuals will experience reduced stress"
   Explanation: "Individuals will experience reduced stress" uses more formal vocabulary and avoids the colloquial "people," which is less appropriate in academic writing.

5. "their mental health may be improved" -> "their mental well-being may be enhanced"
   Explanation: "Enhanced" is a more precise and formal term than "improved" in the context of health and well-being, and "mental well-being" is a more specific term than "mental health."

6. "pay more attention to their work" -> "devote more attention to their tasks"
   Explanation: "Devote more attention to their tasks" is a more formal and precise way to describe the focus on work, replacing the more casual "pay more attention to their work."

7. "people may also have better sleep" -> "individuals may also experience improved sleep quality"
   Explanation: "Individuals may also experience improved sleep quality" is more specific and formal, enhancing the academic tone by focusing on quality rather than just "better sleep."

8. "they could be more energetic and willing to work longer" -> "they may exhibit increased energy and a greater willingness to work longer"
   Explanation: "Exhibit increased energy and a greater willingness to work longer" uses more formal language and avoids the casual "could be," aligning better with academic standards.

9. "nearly three times as likely to leave their jobs" -> "approximately three times more likely to resign"
   Explanation: "Approximately three times more likely to resign" is more precise and formal, replacing the less formal "nearly" and "leave their jobs."

10. "talk to or playing with them" -> "engage in conversations or play with them"
    Explanation: "Engage in conversations or play with them" is more formal and precise, replacing the informal "talk to or playing with."

11. "Following Therese Rubio’s research in 2022" -> "According to Therese Rubio’s research in 2022"
    Explanation: "According to" is a more formal transitional phrase than "Following," and "research" should be possessive to match the singular subject "research."

12. "having at least 2 days off per month" -> "having a minimum of two days off per month"
    Explanation: "A minimum of two days off per month" uses more formal language and corrects the numerical error from "2" to "two."

13. "Those will advance workers’ performance" -> "This will enhance workers’ performance"
    Explanation: "This will enhance workers’ performance" corrects the pronoun "Those" to "This" for clarity and uses "enhance" for a more formal tone, replacing "advance."

These changes aim to refine the vocabulary and style of the essay to meet the standards of academic writing, ensuring precision, formality, and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by arguing in favor of the statement that employers should provide at least a 4-week holiday. The introduction clearly states the author’s agreement with the idea, and the body paragraphs present relevant arguments supporting this stance. The first paragraph discusses the reduction of stress and its positive effects on performance, while the second paragraph highlights the benefits of spending time with family and friends. Both points are pertinent to the question, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response further, the essay could include a counterargument or acknowledgment of potential opposing views, such as the challenges businesses might face in implementing such policies. This would provide a more balanced perspective and deepen the analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently supporting the idea that a 4-week holiday is beneficial for both employees and employers. The use of phrases like "Personally, I completely agree" establishes a strong personal stance. The arguments presented are logically structured, reinforcing the main position without wavering.
  • How to improve: While the position is clear, the author could strengthen it by explicitly reiterating their agreement in the conclusion, perhaps by summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs. This would reinforce the position and ensure it resonates with the reader.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas well, particularly in the first body paragraph, where the author discusses stress reduction and its impact on performance. The use of a specific study from Harvard adds credibility and depth to the argument. The second paragraph also presents a valid point about family time contributing to job satisfaction. However, the ideas could be more thoroughly extended; for instance, the implications of improved mental health on workplace dynamics could be explored further.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples or case studies that illustrate the positive outcomes of extended holidays. Additionally, integrating more statistics or research findings would bolster the arguments and provide a more robust support structure.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, with each paragraph contributing to the central argument of the benefits of a 4-week holiday. There are no significant deviations from the topic, and the content is relevant and aligned with the prompt.
  • How to improve: While the essay stays on topic, the author should ensure that all examples directly relate back to the main argument. For instance, when discussing family time, it would be beneficial to explicitly link how this improved personal life translates into better job performance, thereby reinforcing the main thesis.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By incorporating counterarguments, expanding on ideas with more examples, and reinforcing the position in the conclusion, the essay could achieve an even higher level of sophistication and depth.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of the prompt, with a logical progression of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, stating the writer’s position and outlining the benefits of a 4-week holiday. Each body paragraph focuses on a distinct benefit, with the first paragraph addressing stress reduction and the second discussing improved personal life. This structure allows the reader to follow the argument easily. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be smoother, as the connection between stress relief and improved personal life is somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that link the ideas between paragraphs more explicitly. For example, after discussing stress relief, you might introduce the next paragraph with a sentence that connects the benefits of reduced stress to the ability to engage more fully in personal relationships.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay is well-paragraphed, with a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, which is supported by relevant examples. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. The first paragraph is more developed than the second, which could lead to an uneven presentation of ideas.
  • How to improve: To achieve better balance, consider expanding the second paragraph with additional examples or elaboration on how spending time with family directly impacts work performance. This could involve discussing specific activities that enhance relationships and how these contribute to a more focused work ethic.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "On the other hand," which help to organize ideas and indicate shifts in the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to avoid repetition and enhance the overall flow. For instance, the phrases "as a result" and "consequently" are used in close proximity, which can make the writing feel somewhat formulaic.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeating "as a result," you might use "thus," "therefore," or "this leads to" in different contexts. Additionally, varying sentence structures can also contribute to a more engaging and fluid narrative.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, effectively presenting a well-structured argument. By refining transitions, balancing paragraph development, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further enhance the clarity and impact of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "enhance," "performance," "stress," "mental health," and "well-being." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated. For example, the phrase "having at least 2 days off per month" could be expressed in a more varied manner, such as "allowing employees a minimum of two days off each month." Additionally, the phrase "better their lives" is somewhat simplistic and could be replaced with "improve their quality of life."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. Reading a variety of texts and noting advanced vocabulary can help. Practicing paraphrasing common phrases can also aid in developing a broader vocabulary.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "strategic thinking" and "creative abilities," which effectively convey the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "talk to or playing with them." The phrase should be corrected to "talking to or playing with them" to maintain grammatical accuracy. Additionally, the term "relieved" in "might be more relieved" is not the best choice; "at ease" or "less anxious" would be more appropriate.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on grammatical structures and ensure that phrases are correctly formed. Regular practice with writing and seeking feedback on word choice can help refine vocabulary usage.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with no glaring errors. However, the phrase "less worries" should be corrected to "fewer worries," as "worries" is a countable noun. This minor error indicates a need for attention to detail in spelling and grammar.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on common spelling rules and exceptions. Utilizing spelling check tools and engaging in regular writing practice can also help improve overall spelling skills.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a solid foundation in lexical resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By actively expanding vocabulary, refining grammatical structures, and proofreading carefully, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "To be specific, with less pressure, their mental health may be improved, which might help them to be more active and positive" effectively combines clauses to convey a nuanced idea. However, there is a tendency to rely on similar sentence patterns, particularly in the use of "may" and "might," which can make the writing feel repetitive.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied conjunctions and transition phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "which" to add information, they could use "thereby," "thus," or "as a result" to create more dynamic sentence flow. Additionally, varying the placement of clauses can enhance the complexity of the writing. For example, starting with an adverbial clause, such as "When employees take regular breaks, they are more likely to perform efficiently," can add variety.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with few errors that do not impede understanding. For instance, the phrase "which will enhance their health so that they could be more energetic" is grammatically correct but could be more concise. However, there are minor punctuation issues, such as the lack of a comma before "and" in "talk to or playing with them," which should be "talk to or play with them" for grammatical correctness. Additionally, the phrase "less worries" should be corrected to "fewer worries" to align with standard grammatical rules regarding countable nouns.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review the rules regarding countable and uncountable nouns, ensuring proper usage (e.g., "fewer" vs. "less"). Regular practice with punctuation, especially in compound sentences, can also help. Reading more complex texts can expose the writer to varied sentence structures and punctuation usage, which can be beneficial for improving their own writing. Furthermore, proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct form of verbs, can enhance overall accuracy.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, but there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that companies should provide employees with at least 28 days off per year to enhance their performance in their jobs. Personally, I strongly concur with this perspective, and the following discussion will elucidate the benefits of employees having a 4-week holiday each year.

Firstly, individuals will experience reduced stress when they take more time to rest. To be specific, with less pressure, their mental well-being may be enhanced, which can help them to be more active and positive. Therefore, employees can devote more attention to their tasks when they are relaxed. Moreover, individuals may also experience improved sleep quality if they are not stressed, which will enhance their health, allowing them to exhibit increased energy and a greater willingness to work longer. A study from Harvard University in 2019 illustrated that stress makes people nearly three times more likely to resign, temporarily impairs strategic thinking, and dulls creative abilities. Ultimately, employees’ performance will improve, and companies might see increased profits.

On the other hand, workers may have more spare time for other activities that enrich their lives. They can spend time with their family or friends and engage in conversations or play with them, which may lead to greater relaxation. As a result, individuals will enjoy a better quality of life with fewer worries about family, as they are able to spend more time with their loved ones. According to Therese Rubio’s research in 2022, family-focused benefits can also boost employees’ job satisfaction and overall well-being. Consequently, employees can focus more effectively on their jobs, which may benefit companies as more work is accomplished.

In conclusion, having a minimum of two days off per month can benefit employers in various ways. Employees’ mental health could be enhanced when they are not under excessive stress, and their lives might also improve as they spend more time with their loved ones. These factors will advance workers’ performance and ultimately bring more profit to companies.