Everyone should stayed at school until 18.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Everyone should stayed at school until 18.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
People have strong belief that everyone should try to study until they graduate from high school because staying at school until adulthood can produce a number of benefits. I personally agree with this idea for a number of reasons, which will be outlined in this essay.
The first reason why I agree with this idea is that it helps students improve their education and give them time to think about their future career path. This is because, when they study until 18, they will have large amount of knowledge, and then they will know what subjects they are good at and what they specialize in, so they can choose a career that suits them.
Another point worth consideration is that social problem and unemployment rate would be reduced. There is no doubt that most companies just need the best persons who are the most talented, so unqualified workers will be made redundant. As a result, everyone need to equip themselves with enough knowledge and social skills to solve problem in life by studying till at least they graduate from high school.
Taking everything into account, I am convinced that studying until 18 provides people with enough knowledge as well as skills to choose a suitable career. Besides, there is a higher chance of getting a job.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"People have strong belief" -> "Many people believe"
Explanation: "Many people believe" is a more natural and grammatically correct expression, aligning better with formal academic writing standards. -
"staying at school until adulthood" -> "remaining in education until adulthood"
Explanation: "Remaining in education" is a more precise and formal way to describe continuing one’s educational pursuits beyond high school. -
"a number of benefits" -> "several benefits"
Explanation: "Several benefits" is more specific and academically appropriate than "a number of benefits," which can sound vague and informal. -
"I personally agree with this idea" -> "I concur with this perspective"
Explanation: "Concur" is a more formal synonym for "agree," and "perspective" is a more academic term than "idea." -
"a number of reasons" -> "several reasons"
Explanation: Similar to the previous point, "several reasons" is more precise and formal than "a number of reasons." -
"it helps students improve their education" -> "it enhances students’ educational outcomes"
Explanation: "Enhances students’ educational outcomes" is a more precise and formal way to describe the benefits of continued education. -
"give them time to think about their future career path" -> "allow them sufficient time to contemplate their future career paths"
Explanation: "Allow them sufficient time to contemplate their future career paths" is more formal and precise, emphasizing the deliberative process involved in career planning. -
"they will have large amount of knowledge" -> "they will acquire a substantial amount of knowledge"
Explanation: "Acquire a substantial amount of knowledge" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquialism of "large amount." -
"what subjects they are good at and what they specialize in" -> "their strengths and areas of specialization"
Explanation: "Their strengths and areas of specialization" is a more formal and concise way to describe individual aptitudes and fields of expertise. -
"social problem and unemployment rate would be reduced" -> "social issues and unemployment rates would decrease"
Explanation: "Social issues and unemployment rates" is more specific and formal, and "decrease" is a more precise verb than "would be reduced." -
"most companies just need the best persons" -> "most companies require the most qualified individuals"
Explanation: "Require the most qualified individuals" is more formal and precise than "just need the best persons." -
"unqualified workers will be made redundant" -> "inexperienced workers may face redundancy"
Explanation: "Inexperienced workers may face redundancy" is a more formal and accurate description of the potential consequences of lack of qualification. -
"everyone need to equip themselves" -> "individuals must equip themselves"
Explanation: "Individuals must equip themselves" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing than "everyone need." -
"solve problem in life" -> "address challenges in life"
Explanation: "Address challenges in life" is a more formal and precise way to describe overcoming difficulties. -
"Taking everything into account" -> "Considering all factors"
Explanation: "Considering all factors" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "Taking everything into account." -
"provides people with enough knowledge as well as skills" -> "equips individuals with sufficient knowledge and skills"
Explanation: "Equips individuals with sufficient knowledge and skills" is more formal and precise, emphasizing the comprehensive nature of the benefits. -
"there is a higher chance of getting a job" -> "there is a greater likelihood of employment"
Explanation: "There is a greater likelihood of employment" is more formal and specific, avoiding the colloquial "getting a job."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by expressing agreement with the idea that everyone should stay in school until 18. However, it lacks a comprehensive exploration of the extent of this agreement, which is a crucial part of the task. The essay does not discuss any counterarguments or the potential drawbacks of this stance, which would provide a more balanced view. For instance, the prompt asks "to what extent," but the essay primarily focuses on the benefits without acknowledging any limitations or alternative perspectives.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly discuss the extent of their agreement. This could involve acknowledging potential disadvantages of mandatory schooling until 18, such as the impact on students who may thrive in vocational training or those who may not benefit from traditional education. Including a counterargument would demonstrate critical thinking and a deeper engagement with the prompt.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in favor of staying in school until 18. However, the clarity of this position is somewhat undermined by the lack of depth in reasoning and the absence of a nuanced discussion. While the writer states their agreement, the argument feels one-dimensional and does not explore the implications of their stance thoroughly.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should reinforce their viewpoint with more detailed reasoning and examples. This could involve elaborating on how staying in school until 18 specifically benefits different groups of students or how it aligns with current job market demands. Additionally, using transitional phrases to connect ideas more smoothly would enhance the overall coherence of the argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the benefits of education and the reduction of unemployment rates. However, these ideas are not fully developed or supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, while the essay mentions that staying in school helps students choose a suitable career, it does not provide concrete examples of how this process works or statistics to back up the claims about unemployment.
- How to improve: To improve the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should include specific examples, statistics, or studies that illustrate the benefits of education. For instance, citing research that shows the correlation between higher education levels and lower unemployment rates would strengthen the argument. Additionally, expanding on each point with more detailed explanations would provide a clearer understanding of the writer’s perspective.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of staying in school until 18. However, the lack of depth and exploration of counterarguments may give the impression of superficial engagement with the topic. The writer does not stray from the main idea, but the limited scope of discussion detracts from the overall effectiveness of the response.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to answering the prompt. This can be achieved by clearly linking each point back to the question of "to what extent" one agrees with the statement. Additionally, incorporating a brief counterargument or alternative viewpoint would enrich the discussion and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
In summary, the essay needs to address the prompt more thoroughly, present a more nuanced position, develop ideas with supporting evidence, and maintain a clear focus throughout. By doing so, the writer can improve their Task Response score significantly.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, stating that the author agrees with the idea that everyone should stay in school until 18. The introduction effectively outlines the main points that will be discussed. However, the organization of the body paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first paragraph discusses educational benefits, while the second shifts abruptly to social issues and unemployment without a clear transition. This can disrupt the logical flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using a more structured approach to each paragraph. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that relates directly to the thesis. Additionally, use transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Conversely") to connect ideas between paragraphs and ensure a smoother flow of information.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but the structure could be more effective. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the author’s opinion, while the second paragraph presents the first supporting point. However, the second point regarding social problems and unemployment is somewhat disjointed and could benefit from its own paragraph to allow for deeper exploration of the idea.
- How to improve: Consider dividing the essay into three distinct paragraphs: one for the introduction, one for the educational benefits, and a third for the social implications and unemployment issues. This would allow for a more comprehensive discussion of each point and provide clearer separation of ideas, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "because," "as a result," and "besides." However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences feel abrupt or lack clear connections. For example, the transition from discussing educational benefits to social problems is not well-linked, which can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "Moreover" to add information, "On the other hand" to present contrasting ideas, and "For instance" to provide examples. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance clarity and strengthen the connections between ideas.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improving the logical organization, paragraph structure, and range of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "strong belief," "a number of benefits," and "social skills." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variation. For instance, the phrase "study until 18" is used multiple times without synonyms or alternative expressions, which limits the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "study until 18," alternatives like "pursue education until the age of 18" or "complete secondary education" could be employed. Additionally, introducing more advanced vocabulary related to education and career choices, such as "academic qualifications," "career readiness," or "educational attainment," would enrich the essay.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices. For example, the phrase "large amount of knowledge" should be "a large amount of knowledge" or "a wealth of knowledge." Additionally, "the best persons" is awkward; "the best candidates" or "the most qualified individuals" would be more appropriate. The term "social problem" is vague and could be more specific, such as "social issues" or "social challenges."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by reviewing word choices and ensuring they fit the context. Utilizing a thesaurus can help identify more suitable alternatives. Moreover, practicing paraphrasing sentences can aid in finding more precise vocabulary.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "stayed" instead of "stay," and "need" instead of "needs" in the context of subject-verb agreement. Additionally, "persons" is not commonly used in this context; "people" would be more appropriate. The phrase "till at least they graduate" could be better phrased as "until they graduate."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice, such as using flashcards or spelling apps. Additionally, proofreading the essay for common spelling errors and grammatical mistakes before submission can significantly improve overall accuracy. Reading more widely can also help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to correctly spelled words in context.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource category.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence effectively uses a complex structure: "People have strong belief that everyone should try to study until they graduate from high school because staying at school until adulthood can produce a number of benefits." However, there is a tendency to rely on similar structures, particularly in the second paragraph, where the sentence "This is because, when they study until 18, they will have large amount of knowledge…" could be rephrased to avoid redundancy in structure.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases, conditional clauses, or participial phrases. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "This is because," you might use "By studying until 18, students not only gain knowledge but also…" or "While some may argue against this, the benefits of extended education are clear." This will enhance the flow and complexity of your writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors that affect clarity and accuracy. For example, "everyone should stayed at school" should be corrected to "everyone should stay at school." Additionally, the phrase "large amount of knowledge" should be "a large amount of knowledge." There are also punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences and confusion. For instance, "As a result, everyone need to equip themselves with enough knowledge and social skills to solve problem in life by studying till at least they graduate from high school" could benefit from clearer punctuation and structure.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread your essay for verb tense consistency and subject-verb agreement. Practicing with grammar exercises focused on common errors can also be beneficial. Additionally, familiarize yourself with punctuation rules, particularly for complex sentences, to improve clarity. For example, ensure that clauses are properly separated by commas when necessary, and consider breaking long sentences into shorter, clearer ones to avoid confusion.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
Many people believe that everyone should remain in education until they graduate from high school, as staying at school until adulthood can yield several benefits. I concur with this perspective for several reasons, which will be outlined in this essay.
The first reason why I support this idea is that it enhances students’ educational outcomes and allows them sufficient time to contemplate their future career paths. When students study until the age of 18, they acquire a substantial amount of knowledge, enabling them to identify their strengths and areas of specialization. This understanding can help them choose a career that aligns with their interests and abilities.
Another point worth consideration is that social issues and unemployment rates would decrease. There is no doubt that most companies require the most qualified individuals, and unqualified workers may face redundancy. As a result, individuals must equip themselves with enough knowledge and social skills to address challenges in life by studying until they graduate from high school.
Considering all factors, I am convinced that remaining in education until adulthood equips individuals with sufficient knowledge and skills to choose a suitable career. Furthermore, there is a greater likelihood of employment for those who have completed their education.