Exercise 1: The two pie charts below the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010.

The pie charts depict the proportions of retail products on online shopping in Canada in two distinct years: 2005 and 2010.

Overall, it is evident that the percentages of food and beverage, and video games experienced upward trajectories over the 5-year period, starting from 2005. Conversely, it is noticeable that the proportions of electronics and appliance, and home furnishings considerably decreased over the years.

Upon closer inspection, the figure for food and beverage was more than one-fifth in 2005. After that, it exhibited a remarkable rise of approximately one-third, making it become the most prevalent mode among the sectors, in 2010. Similarly, video games commenced at 18% in 2005, modestly increasing to 23% in 2005.

In contrast, electronics and appliance started with 35%, which was the highest figure, in 2005, before slightly declining to 30%, which was the second dominant category, in 2010. Furthermore, home furnishings generally witnessed a downward trend from 25% to 15% over the period.

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Errors and Improvements:

"Upward trajectories" -> "Upward trends"
Explanation: "Trajectories" may be overly technical in this context. "Trends" is a more common and appropriate term to describe the direction of change over time.
"Considerably decreased" -> "Markedly decreased"
Explanation: "Considerably" is a bit vague. "Markedly" adds precision and emphasizes the significant decrease observed in the proportions.
"Upon closer inspection" -> "Upon closer examination"
Explanation: "Inspection" typically refers to a physical examination, while "examination" encompasses a broader range of analysis, making it more suitable in this context.
"Prevalent mode" -> "Dominant category"
Explanation: "Prevalent mode" may not accurately convey the idea of dominance. "Dominant category" is clearer and more precise in describing the sector with the highest proportion.
"Commenced" -> "Began"
Explanation: "Commenced" is more formal but slightly archaic. "Began" is a simpler and more common alternative that maintains clarity.
"Modestly increasing" -> "Gradually increasing"
Explanation: "Modestly" may not fully capture the gradual nature of the increase. "Gradually" more accurately reflects the steady rise observed in the proportion of video games.
"Started with" -> "Began at"
Explanation: "Started with" is less precise than "began at" when referring to the initial percentage in 2005.
"Downward trend" -> "Declining trend"
Explanation: While "downward trend" is grammatically correct, "declining trend" is a more concise and commonly used term in this context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. It presents the key features of the pie charts, including the changes in percentages for different sectors over the specified period. The overview is clear and effectively highlights the main trends observed in the data.

How to improve:
To improve the essay and potentially achieve a higher band score, the writer could extend their analysis by providing more detailed descriptions of the trends observed in each sector. Additionally, ensuring that all data presented is accurately interpreted and relevant to the task will further strengthen the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay logically organizes information and ideas with clear progression throughout. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the data presented in the pie charts, aiding in clarity and coherence. The use of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, effectively connects sentences and ideas. The central topic of each paragraph is clearly presented, enhancing coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider incorporating a wider range of cohesive devices and varying sentence structures to maintain reader engagement. Additionally, ensure that paragraphing is consistently logical throughout the essay, with each paragraph addressing a single main idea or aspect of the data.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary to convey the information effectively. It employs a variety of terms such as "proportions," "upward trajectories," "considerably decreased," "prevalent mode," and "downward trend." The writer also uses less common lexical items like "commenced," "modestly increasing," and "witnessed," which contribute to the overall fluency and precision of the essay. While there are occasional errors in word choice (e.g., "one-fifth" instead of "one-fifth"), they do not significantly impede understanding. The essay shows awareness of style and collocation, enhancing the coherence of the text.

How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, the writer could aim for more sophisticated expressions and minimize minor errors in word choice. Additionally, expanding the range of vocabulary by incorporating even more precise and nuanced terms related to retail sectors and statistical analysis would elevate the essay’s lexical quality. Continuing to develop awareness of appropriate collocations and idiomatic expressions would also contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of grammatical structures with a variety of sentence types, including simple and complex sentences. The sentences are generally error-free, and the essay maintains good control over grammar and punctuation. The writer effectively communicates the information from the pie charts, using appropriate vocabulary and clear transitions between ideas.

How to improve: To reach a higher band score, strive for even greater flexibility and accuracy in grammatical structures. Pay attention to minor errors and strive for flawless expression throughout the essay. Additionally, ensure that complex structures are used accurately and effectively to enhance the clarity and sophistication of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided pie charts illustrate the distribution of online shopping sales across various retail sectors in Canada during the years 2005 and 2010.

Overall, it is evident that there were notable shifts in the proportions of different product categories over the five-year period.

Beginning with food and beverage, which accounted for slightly over one-fifth of online sales in 2005, this category experienced a substantial increase to approximately one-third by 2010, making it the most dominant sector during that year. Similarly, video games started at 18% in 2005 and saw a modest rise to 23% in 2010.

In contrast, electronics and appliances, which had the highest share at 35% in 2005, experienced a slight decline to 30% by 2010, although it remained the second most prominent category. Furthermore, home furnishings witnessed a downward trend from 25% to 15% over the same period.

Overall, the data illustrates the dynamic nature of online shopping trends in Canada, with certain sectors experiencing significant growth while others declined.