Exercise 3: The charts show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town (Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008.

The pie charts depict the proportion of individuals aged 25-65 in different jobs in Ashby, one town in the UK, and in the entire UK.

Overall, it is evident that the number of residents aged 25-65 was mainly allocated to personal service in Ashby and office work in the UK. Furthermore, it is noticeable that there was a significant difference between the proportions of professional work and technical work in Ashby and these categories in the UK.

Upon closer inspection, the number of people being unemployed contributed a considerable fraction of 14% in Ashby, compared to only 10% in the UK. Conversely, the figures for construction workers and personal service providers in Ashby were 16% and 21%, which were both greater than these types of jobs in the UK by 6% and 4%, respectively. Besides, the percentages of individuals being shop workers in both Ashby and the UK were relatively identical.

In contrast, professional work and technical work in Ashby accounted for modest fractions of only 8% and 9%, each of which was approximately equal to a half of that in the UK, with 14% and 17%, respectively, while the difference between office work in Ashby and that in the UK was insignificant, with 18% in Ashby and 19% in the UK.

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Errors and Improvements:

"the number of residents aged 25-65 was mainly allocated to personal service" -> "the majority of residents aged 25-65 were employed in personal services"
Explanation: "Allocated" is not the most suitable word here. "Employed in personal services" provides a clearer and more precise description of the situation.
"there was a significant difference between the proportions of professional work and technical work" -> "a notable disparity existed between the proportions of professional and technical occupations"
Explanation: "Significant" is somewhat vague. "Disparity" and "occupations" are more specific and sophisticated terms in this context.
"Upon closer inspection" -> "Upon closer scrutiny"
Explanation: "Scrutiny" is a more formal and precise word choice compared to "inspection."
"Conversely, the figures for construction workers and personal service providers" -> "In contrast, the figures for individuals employed in construction and personal services"
Explanation: "Individuals employed in construction" and "personal services" are more specific terms that enhance clarity.
"modest fractions of only 8% and 9%" -> "modest proportions accounting for only 8% and 9%"
Explanation: "Fractions" could be replaced with "proportions" for a more precise description of the data.
"approximately equal to a half of that in the UK" -> "roughly half of the corresponding figures in the UK"
Explanation: "Corresponding figures" clarifies the comparison between Ashby and the UK, and "roughly half" provides a more precise approximation.
"the difference between office work in Ashby and that in the UK was insignificant" -> "the disparity between office employment in Ashby and the UK was negligible"
Explanation: "Disparity" and "negligible" convey the idea of a minor difference more precisely than "insignificant."
"with 18% in Ashby and 19% in the UK" -> "Ashby recorded 18%, slightly below the UK’s 19%"
Explanation: Providing the specific data points clarifies the comparison between Ashby and the UK.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

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Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the pie charts. It adequately highlights key features such as the main occupations in Ashby compared to the UK as a whole. The information is appropriately selected and presented in a clear manner.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could provide more detailed analysis of the data presented, such as discussing trends or comparisons in more depth. Additionally, ensuring that details provided are accurate and relevant will strengthen the response.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes information and ideas with a clear progression throughout. It starts by introducing the topic and provides an overview of the main points discussed in the charts. Each paragraph focuses on specific categories of occupations and compares the percentages between Ashby and the UK, maintaining a coherent structure. The transitions between ideas are smooth, providing a clear flow of information. Additionally, the central topic within each paragraph is well-defined, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

The use of cohesive devices is appropriate, although there are some instances of overuse, such as repetitive use of "and" in certain sentences. However, this does not significantly detract from the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay effectively utilizes referencing and substitution, maintaining clarity in presenting the information from the charts.

Paragraphing is sufficiently utilized and appropriate, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the data presented in the charts. The essay could benefit from slightly more varied paragraphing to further enhance coherence, but overall, the paragraph structure contributes to the clarity of the essay’s organization.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion further, the essay could benefit from a more diverse range of cohesive devices to avoid overuse of certain terms like "and." Additionally, ensuring consistent and appropriate paragraphing throughout the essay can enhance the overall organization and coherence. Finally, maintaining a balance between providing detailed information and avoiding unnecessary repetition can further improve the clarity and coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expression. The writer utilizes varied vocabulary to describe the data, such as "proportion," "allocated," "considerable fraction," and "relatively identical." Additionally, there is an attempt to use less common lexical items, like "modest fractions," which enhances the lexical resource. The writer also shows awareness of style and collocation by appropriately using phrases like "significant difference," "upon closer inspection," and "in contrast." Although there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "relatively identical," overall, the vocabulary usage is effective and contributes to the clarity of the essay.

How to improve: To improve, the writer could further enhance lexical resource by incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Additionally, ensuring consistent accuracy in word choice and collocation would elevate the lexical quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range and accuracy. It effectively employs a variety of sentence structures, including complex ones, such as subordinate clauses. The majority of sentences are error-free, and there is evidence of good control over grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of errors and awkward phrasing, which slightly detract from the overall fluency and precision of expression.

How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy further, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and sentence structure coherence. Additionally, proofreading for minor errors and refining the expression for clarity and precision would help elevate the essay’s quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided data presents the distribution of individuals aged 25-65 across various occupations in Ashby, a town in the UK, and the entire UK in 2008.

Upon initial analysis, it is apparent that the majority of individuals in Ashby were engaged in personal service occupations, whereas office work was predominant across the UK as a whole. Notably, there existed notable disparities between the proportions of professional and technical occupations in Ashby compared to the UK.

Examining the specifics, unemployment rates in Ashby stood at a significant 14%, contrasting with 10% across the UK. Conversely, the percentages of construction workers and personal service providers in Ashby were notably higher, at 16% and 21%, respectively, compared to the UK, where these figures were lower by 6% and 4%, respectively. Additionally, the proportion of individuals employed as shop workers was similar in both Ashby and the UK.

In contrast, the proportions of individuals engaged in professional and technical occupations in Ashby were comparatively lower, at 8% and 9% respectively, representing roughly half of the corresponding figures in the UK, which stood at 14% and 17% respectively. However, the disparity in office work between Ashby and the UK was minimal, with Ashby at 18% and the UK at 19%.