Exercise 3: The charts show the percentage of people aged 23-65 in different occupations in one UK town (Ashby) and in the UK as a whole in 2008

The pie charts depict the proportion of individuals aged 23-65 in distinct careers in Ashby, a town in the UK, and in the whole UK in 2008.

Overall, it is evident that the percentages of occupations in both Ashby and the UK were mainly allocated to personal service and office work. Furthermore, it is noticeable that the remarkable differences between the proportions of professional work and technical work in Ashby and these categories in the UK in 2008.

Upon closer inspection, the figure for being unemployed in Ashby was a significant figure of 14%, compared to 10% in the UK. Construction work and shop work contributed 16% and 14%, respectively, which were greater than that in the UK, with only 10% in construction work and 13% in shop work. Moreover, the percentage of personal service in Ashby accounted for a considerable fraction of 21%, the most prevalent job among the jobs, which was higher than that in the UK by 4%.

In contrast, professional career and technical career comprised mere fractions of 8% and 9%, compared to marked fractions of 14% and 17%, respectively. Additionally, the figure for office work in the UK was greater than that in Ashby by a minor percentage of 1%.

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Errors and Improvements:

"the percentages of occupations" -> "the distribution of occupations"
Explanation: "Percentages" refers to the proportional representation of something, while "distribution" encompasses the arrangement or spread of items within a particular category, which better suits the context of the essay discussing the breakdown of different careers.
"remarkable differences" -> "significant disparities"
Explanation: "Disparities" conveys a stronger sense of variation or incongruity compared to "differences," enhancing the impact of the observation regarding the contrast between the proportions of professional and technical work.
"a significant figure of 14%" -> "a significant proportion of 14%"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more precise and formal language to describe the percentage of individuals unemployed, aligning better with the academic tone of the essay.
"mere fractions of 8%" -> "modest proportions of 8%"
Explanation: "Modest proportions" provides a more nuanced and refined description compared to "mere fractions," elevating the sophistication of the expression.
"marked fractions of 14% and 17%" -> "substantial proportions of 14% and 17%"
Explanation: "Substantial" emphasizes the notable size or significance of the proportions, enhancing the clarity and impact of the statement regarding professional and technical careers.
"greater than that in Ashby by a minor percentage of 1%" -> "exceeded Ashby’s by a marginal 1%"
Explanation: "Exceeded" offers a more precise and active verb choice to describe the comparison, while "marginal" specifies the exact extent of the difference, improving the precision and conciseness of the statement.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the pie charts. It appropriately selects information from the charts and presents an overview of the main trends in the data. Key features such as the percentages of different occupations in Ashby compared to the UK are highlighted. However, some details may be irrelevant or inaccurately presented. For instance, the essay mentions specific percentages without contextualizing them within the broader comparison between Ashby and the UK, and it lacks clarity in explaining the significance of the differences observed.

How to improve:
To improve, the essay should ensure that all details provided directly relate to the comparison between Ashby and the UK. It should avoid presenting percentages without clear explanation or comparison. Additionally, the essay could benefit from further development of the analysis to provide deeper insights into the data presented.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an overall coherence in organizing information, presenting a clear overview of the data and comparing the percentages between Ashby and the UK. The progression of ideas is evident, moving from an introduction of the charts to specific comparisons between the two locations. Paragraphing is utilized, though not consistently logical, as some ideas could be grouped more effectively within paragraphs. The use of cohesive devices is adequate, providing clear connections between sentences and ideas, but there are instances where cohesion could be improved for smoother transitions. However, the referencing of specific data points is clear, aiding in coherence.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on refining the logical flow within paragraphs, ensuring each paragraph presents a cohesive set of ideas related to the main topic. Additionally, strive for smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to improve the overall fluency of the essay. Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices more effectively to strengthen the connections between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Lastly, ensure consistent and appropriate paragraphing throughout the essay to maintain clarity and organization.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary with some flexibility and precision. There is effective use of vocabulary to describe the data and trends, such as "proportion," "allocated," "remarkable differences," and "considerable fraction." The writer also employs less common lexical items like "contributed," "prevalent," and "mere fractions." The essay shows awareness of style and collocation, evident in phrases like "remarkable differences" and "considerable fraction." Although occasional errors in word choice and word formation are present (e.g., "significant figure" instead of "significant percentage"), they do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource further, aim for more varied and precise vocabulary choices throughout the essay. Additionally, pay closer attention to word choice accuracy to minimize occasional errors. Strive for consistency in the use of complex lexical items and collocations to elevate the sophistication of the language.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation, utilizing a variety of complex structures to convey information about the data presented in the charts. The sentences are mostly error-free, with occasional minor errors that do not impede communication. Complex sentence forms are used effectively to describe the data and compare the proportions between Ashby and the UK as a whole.

How to improve: To improve towards a higher band score, strive for even greater accuracy and consistency in grammar and punctuation. Pay attention to maintaining the clarity of complex sentence structures to ensure they enhance rather than detract from the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, consider expanding the range of sentence structures used to further demonstrate flexibility in language use.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided pie charts illustrate the distribution of individuals aged between 23 and 65 across various occupations in Ashby, a town in the UK, and the entire UK workforce in 2008.

Overall, it is apparent that both Ashby and the UK as a whole predominantly consisted of individuals engaged in personal service and office work. However, notable distinctions exist between the proportions of professional and technical occupations in Ashby compared to the UK.

Upon closer examination, the unemployment rate in Ashby stood at a significant 14%, exceeding the national average of 10% in the UK. Furthermore, construction and shop work accounted for 16% and 14% in Ashby, respectively, surpassing the corresponding figures in the UK, which were 10% for construction and 13% for shop work. Moreover, personal service occupations constituted a substantial proportion of 21% in Ashby, representing the most prevalent occupation, which was 4% higher than the national average in the UK.

In contrast, professional and technical careers constituted smaller fractions of 8% and 9% in Ashby, respectively, compared to 14% and 17% nationally. Additionally, office work in the UK exceeded that in Ashby by a marginal 1%.