Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

Extreme sports such as sky diving and skiing are very dangerous and should be banned. To
what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

These days, while some people suggest that extreme sports like skydiving and skiing should be banned because of the risks to human life they pose, I do not entirwly agree with this statement. And I believe that these dangerous sports are still necessary for many purposes.

On the one hand, people can clearly see the positives that this event brings. In terms of entertainment, extreme sports help build and develop oneself. In fact, before participating in these activities, players must undergo rigorous training until they can assess the weather conditions, physical and mental health. And after experiencing the thrill, people will feel more deeply about fear, thereby pushing themselves to the limit and stepping out of their comfort zone. In terms of survival, many people consider these events as just a way of making a living. Activities such as skydiving and skiing are not only done for entertainment but also serve daily life such as transportation, delivery and other needs. For example, people in the polar regions need to practice skiing to be able to survive in such harsh conditions and carry out their daily activities. Because of these needs, banning this sport may have a negative impact on a certain population.

On the other hand, these extreme sports have certain disadvantages. First, it is very expensive. It takes a lot of money to pay for specialized equipment such as helmets, safety harnesses, protective pads, along with maintenance and training costs. Therefore, it is also considered a rich man's sport. Second, it is dangerous for participants. Although they have undergone a lot of training and formal education, they still cannot avoid risk factors such as unpredictable terrain, unusual weather or loss of balance when performing high-speed movements. There have been numerous reports of injuries, disappearances and even deaths due to such risky activities. Therefore, those who are not experienced, highly qualified and without a valid reason should be banned from participating in such extreme sports.

In conclusion, games such as skiing and skydiving pose a life-threatening risk and should be banned for tourists, especially those without valid experience. However, there should be no restrictions on indigenous people for whom these events are just a means of livelihood.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "These days" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "These days."

2. "entirwly" -> "entirely"
   Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the word is spelled correctly and maintaining professionalism in the text.

3. "I do not entirwly agree" -> "I do not entirely agree"
   Explanation: Corrects the typographical error and maintains the formal tone of the sentence.

4. "these dangerous sports are still necessary" -> "these sports pose a necessity"
   Explanation: "Pose a necessity" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea that the sports are essential, avoiding the colloquial "necessary."

5. "people can clearly see the positives" -> "it is evident that"
   Explanation: "It is evident that" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "people can clearly see," which is somewhat informal.

6. "help build and develop oneself" -> "facilitate personal growth and development"
   Explanation: "Facilitate personal growth and development" is a more precise and formal way to describe the benefits of extreme sports on individuals.

7. "players must undergo rigorous training" -> "participants must undergo rigorous training"
   Explanation: "Participants" is a more neutral and formal term than "players," which is typically used in sports contexts.

8. "people will feel more deeply about fear" -> "individuals will confront their fears more deeply"
   Explanation: "Confront their fears more deeply" is a more precise and formal way to describe the psychological impact of extreme sports.

9. "just a way of making a living" -> "a means of subsistence"
   Explanation: "A means of subsistence" is a more formal and precise term than "just a way of making a living," which is somewhat colloquial.

10. "banning this sport may have a negative impact" -> "prohibiting these activities may have adverse effects"
    Explanation: "Prohibiting these activities may have adverse effects" is more formal and specific than "banning this sport may have a negative impact."

11. "it is very expensive" -> "it is costly"
    Explanation: "It is costly" is a more concise and formal expression than "it is very expensive."

12. "rich man’s sport" -> "exclusive sport"
    Explanation: "Exclusive sport" is a more neutral and formal term than "rich man’s sport," which carries a negative connotation.

13. "dangerous for participants" -> "risky for participants"
    Explanation: "Risky" is a more precise term than "dangerous" in this context, as it specifically refers to the uncertainty or unpredictability of the activities.

14. "without a valid reason" -> "without a legitimate reason"
    Explanation: "Without a legitimate reason" is a more formal and precise phrase than "without a valid reason."

15. "games such as skiing and skydiving" -> "activities such as skiing and skydiving"
    Explanation: "Activities" is a more encompassing term than "games," which is less formal and might imply recreational rather than serious pursuits.

16. "pose a life-threatening risk" -> "pose a significant risk to life"
    Explanation: "Pose a significant risk to life" is a more formal and precise way to express the danger involved in these activities.

17. "should be banned for tourists" -> "should be restricted for tourists"
    Explanation: "Restricted" is a more precise term than "banned," which is absolute and may not be feasible or practical in all cases.

18. "there should be no restrictions on indigenous people" -> "there should be no restrictions on indigenous populations"
    Explanation: "Populations" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "people," which is somewhat informal and vague in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by presenting a nuanced view on the banning of extreme sports. It acknowledges the dangers associated with these activities while also highlighting their benefits, particularly for certain populations. The response effectively discusses both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced view. However, the phrase "I do not entirely agree" is somewhat vague, and the essay could benefit from a clearer indication of the extent of agreement or disagreement.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position regarding the extent of agreement or disagreement at the beginning of the essay. This could involve specifying whether they believe extreme sports should be banned entirely, partially, or not at all, and then consistently supporting this stance throughout the essay.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both the risks and the necessity of extreme sports. However, the clarity of the position is somewhat undermined by the conflicting statements in the conclusion. The writer suggests that extreme sports should be banned for tourists but not for indigenous people, which could confuse the reader about the overall stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should ensure that the conclusion succinctly reflects the main argument presented in the body of the essay. It would be beneficial to restate their position on the banning of extreme sports in a more definitive manner, summarizing the reasons for their stance without introducing new ideas.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of extreme sports for personal development and survival in harsh conditions, alongside the risks and costs associated with these activities. However, some points could be further developed. For instance, while the essay mentions the economic aspect of extreme sports, it does not provide sufficient detail or examples to support this claim.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, elaborating on how extreme sports contribute to personal development or providing statistics about injuries could enhance the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is clearly linked back to the main argument will help in presenting a more cohesive response.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the dangers and benefits of extreme sports in relation to the prompt. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as the mention of "transportation, delivery and other needs," which feels somewhat tangential to the main argument about banning extreme sports.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the question of whether extreme sports should be banned. It may help to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph contributes to answering the prompt. Additionally, avoiding overly broad statements that stray from the topic will help keep the essay focused.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a balanced view, but it would benefit from clearer positioning, more developed arguments, and tighter focus on the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs that discuss both sides of the argument, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by stating the writer’s position. Each body paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, with the first paragraph focusing on the benefits of extreme sports and the second on the drawbacks. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from advantages to disadvantages feels somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that signal the shift in focus, such as "On the contrary" or "Conversely." Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point. The first paragraph discusses the positive aspects of extreme sports, while the second addresses the negative aspects. However, the conclusion, while summarizing the main points, could benefit from a clearer connection to the arguments presented in the body paragraphs.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes the points made but also reinforces the writer’s stance in a more cohesive manner. Consider restating the main arguments in a way that ties them back to the thesis, emphasizing how the points made throughout the essay support the conclusion.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "Because of these needs" could be better linked to the previous sentence to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "therefore." This will not only improve the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of linguistic proficiency. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately and enhances the clarity of the argument rather than creating confusion.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a balanced view on the topic. By focusing on improving transitions, reinforcing connections in the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "extreme sports," "entertainment," "rigorous training," and "unpredictable terrain." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or basic, such as the frequent use of "dangerous" and "expensive." The phrase "push themselves to the limit" is a common expression and could be replaced withmore varied language to enhance the essay’s sophistication.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "dangerous," alternatives like "hazardous" or "perilous" could be employed. Additionally, including more specific vocabulary related to extreme sports, such as "adrenaline-fueled" or "high-risk activities," would enhance the essay’s depth.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices. For instance, the phrase "the positives that this event brings" is vague; it would be clearer to specify what "event" is being referred to, as it could lead to confusion. Additionally, the term "rich man’s sport" could be perceived as informal and may not convey the intended meaning effectively.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. For example, instead of "event," the writer could specify "extreme sports" or "activities." Furthermore, replacing "rich man’s sport" with "exclusive to affluent individuals" would provide a clearer and more formal expression of the idea.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: There are noticeable spelling errors in the essay, such as "entirwly" instead of "entirely." Such mistakes can detract from the overall quality of the writing and may lead to misunderstandings. While the majority of the essay is spelled correctly, these errors indicate a lack of attention to detail.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards for commonly misspelled words can be beneficial. Regularly reviewing vocabulary lists and their correct spellings will also help reinforce learning.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will significantly improve the Lexical Resource score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "while some people suggest that extreme sports like skydiving and skiing should be banned" showcases an ability to introduce contrasting ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the second paragraph where many sentences begin with "In terms of," which can detract from the overall variety. Additionally, some sentences lack complexity, such as "It takes a lot of money to pay for specialized equipment," which could be expanded to include subordinate clauses for greater depth.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "In terms of," the writer could use alternatives like "Regarding," "When considering," or "With respect to." Additionally, integrating more complex sentences that combine ideas could enhance the richness of the writing. For instance, the sentence about the costs of extreme sports could be rephrased to include a dependent clause, such as "Although extreme sports can be thrilling, they often require significant financial investment for equipment and training."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar, but there are noticeable errors that affect clarity and coherence. For example, the phrase "I do not entirwly agree" contains a spelling mistake ("entirwly" should be "entirely"). Additionally, punctuation errors are present, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. For instance, "Because of these needs, banning this sport may have a negative impact on a certain population" is correctly punctuated, but other sentences could benefit from similar attention to punctuation for clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch spelling errors and typos. Utilizing grammar-checking tools can also help identify mistakes. Moreover, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences will improve clarity. For example, breaking longer sentences into shorter ones or using commas to separate clauses can help maintain the reader’s understanding. The writer should also review the rules for subject-verb agreement and tense consistency, as these are common areas where errors can occur.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance their grammatical range and accuracy, potentially raising their band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, while some people suggest that extreme sports like skydiving and skiing should be banned due to the risks they pose to human life, I do not entirely agree with this statement. I believe that these dangerous sports are still necessary for various reasons.

On the one hand, it is evident that extreme sports offer significant benefits. In terms of entertainment, these activities facilitate personal growth and development. In fact, before participating in these sports, participants must undergo rigorous training to assess weather conditions, as well as their physical and mental health. After experiencing the thrill, individuals confront their fears more deeply, pushing themselves to their limits and stepping out of their comfort zones. Additionally, many people consider these events as a means of subsistence. Activities such as skiing and skydiving are not only pursued for entertainment but also serve practical purposes, such as transportation and delivery. For example, individuals in polar regions need to practice skiing to survive in harsh conditions and carry out their daily activities. Because of these necessities, prohibiting these sports may have adverse effects on certain populations.

On the other hand, extreme sports do have certain disadvantages. First, they can be quite costly. It requires a significant amount of money to purchase specialized equipment such as helmets, safety harnesses, and protective pads, along with maintenance and training expenses. Consequently, these activities are often considered exclusive sports for the wealthy. Second, they are inherently risky for participants. Although individuals may undergo extensive training and education, they still face unpredictable factors such as challenging terrain, unusual weather, and the potential for loss of balance during high-speed movements. Numerous reports of injuries, disappearances, and even fatalities highlight the dangers associated with these activities. Therefore, those who are inexperienced and lack a legitimate reason should be restricted from participating in extreme sports.

In conclusion, while activities such as skiing and skydiving pose a significant risk to life and should be restricted for tourists, especially those without valid experience, there should be no restrictions on indigenous populations for whom these events are essential for their livelihoods.