Facebook dominates the free-time for too may people, especially the students. It can have negative effect on their study and physical development. Do you agree or disagree with the above statement Write an essay of about 260 words.

Facebook dominates the free-time for too may people, especially the students. It can have negative effect on their study and physical development.
Do you agree or disagree with the above statement
Write an essay of about 260 words.

Facebook, one of the most well-known social networking sites, has paradoxically encroached upon people’s leisure time, especially students, exerting detrimental impacts on their learning and physical development. I also hold this view.
It is understandable why some people believe that Facebook has adversely impacted their learning. Due to the addictive nature of this application, students can easily be captivated and glued to screens, scrolling endlessly through social media feeds. This indulgence can inadvertently waste their precious time that should have been better spent on their studies, leading to deteriorated academic performance and under-average scores. Worse still, excessive participation in such an application can induce a sense of inadequacy and comparison among impressionable minds. Perfectly curated images and glamorous achievements constantly appearing on Facebook can be a driving force behind students’ relentless pursuits to keep up with these “online” people. Therefore, they may neglect their studies altogether. The aforementioned considerations serve as a testament to how dangerous Facebook can be to students’ learning journeys.
Worse still, Facebook can have deleterious effects on students’ physical development. Consuming this application excessively can potentially deprive them of time to partake in physical activities such as sports or yoga. This lack of physical engagement can affect their physical development as a result. Additionally, Facebook, like any other social media platform, is the breeding ground for negative remarks and derogatory comments. This can engender certain psychological issues for students, such as prolonged mental fatigue, depression, or even suicidal ideation, which ultimately impact their physical growth. Students’ sleep patterns, after experiencing prolonged stress and anxiety, can be disrupted. This lack of quality sleep can lead to prolonged exhaustion, ultimately impeding their physical growth.
Some people advocate the belief that Facebook groups aimed at learning and sharing materials can be beneficial to students’ studies. Students in such groups can organise some meetings or online discussions to clarify doubts and revise the lessons that they have already learned about school. This activity can foster the depth of their learning. However, this perspective overlooks such social media distractions as infinite new feeds, fascinating videos, and perfectly crafted pictures. Such features can distract students from their initial intent for their studies, potentially giving rise to procrastination and decreased productivity. Students may end up wasting their time doing nothing meaningful instead of improving their academic pursuits.
In conclusion, I agree with the notion that Facebook detrimentally impacts students’ learning journeys, given the additive nature of the application itself and the potential feeling of self-comparison and inadequacy, and that it also hinders physical growth as a result of a result of the deprivation of physical engagement time and psychological issues potentially arising.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "Facebook, one of the most well-known social networking sites" -> "Facebook, a prominent social networking platform"
   Explanation: "Well-known" is a common phrase but lacks the precision and formality expected in academic writing. "Prominent" maintains the idea of widespread recognition while elevating the vocabulary choice.

2. "students can easily be captivated and glued to screens" -> "students can easily become engrossed and fixated on screens"
   Explanation: "Captivated" and "glued" are more colloquial expressions. "Engrossed" and "fixated" are more formal synonyms that better suit academic tone.

3. "scrolling endlessly through social media feeds" -> "endlessly scrolling through social media feeds"
   Explanation: Removing the redundant word "scrolling" enhances conciseness without altering the meaning of the phrase.

4. "This indulgence can inadvertently waste their precious time" -> "This indulgence can inadvertently squander their valuable time"
   Explanation: "Waste" is slightly informal. "Squander" maintains the meaning while providing a more formal alternative.

5. "under-average scores" -> "below-average scores"
   Explanation: "Under-average" is awkward phrasing. "Below-average" is a more concise and grammatically correct term.

6. "Worse still, excessive participation in such an application" -> "Moreover, excessive engagement with such a platform"
   Explanation: "Worse still" is a bit informal. "Moreover" is more suitable for academic writing. "Participation in such an application" is wordy and can be replaced with "engagement with such a platform" for clarity and conciseness.

7. "The aforementioned considerations serve as a testament to how dangerous Facebook can be" -> "These considerations attest to the potential dangers posed by Facebook"
   Explanation: The phrase "aforementioned considerations" is unnecessarily wordy. "Serve as a testament" can be replaced with "attest" for brevity.

8. "deleterious effects" -> "adverse effects"
   Explanation: "Deleterious" is a more formal term but "adverse effects" is more commonly used and equally appropriate in this context.

9. "can engender certain psychological issues" -> "can give rise to certain psychological issues"
   Explanation: "Engender" is a bit formal. "Give rise to" is a clearer and more natural alternative.

10. "such social media distractions as infinite new feeds" -> "such distractions as endless news feeds on social media"
    Explanation: Rearranging the sentence for clarity and specifying "news feeds" instead of "new feeds" for accuracy.

11. "This activity can foster the depth of their learning" -> "This activity can enhance the depth of their learning"
    Explanation: "Foster" is less precise in this context. "Enhance" better conveys the idea of improving or enriching.

12. "overlooks such social media distractions" -> "overlooks the potential distractions posed by social media"
    Explanation: Adding "potential" clarifies that these distractions may not always occur but are possible.

13. "Such features can distract students from their initial intent for their studies" -> "These features can divert students from their original study objectives"
    Explanation: "Distract" is replaced with "divert" for a more precise and formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt by presenting a clear opinion on whether Facebook has negative effects on students’ study and physical development. It discusses both aspects comprehensively, highlighting the addictive nature of Facebook and its impact on academic performance, as well as the detrimental effects on physical health.
  • How to improve: To further enhance the response, ensure that each point is directly linked back to the prompt. Provide more specific examples or statistics to bolster the argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance throughout, clearly agreeing with the statement that Facebook has negative effects on students’ study and physical development. This position is evident from the introduction to the conclusion, with each paragraph reinforcing the viewpoint.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, consider explicitly stating the position in the introduction and conclusion to leave no room for ambiguity. Additionally, ensure that each supporting argument aligns with the main position without introducing conflicting viewpoints.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas with relevant examples and reasoning. It elaborates on the negative impact of Facebook on academic performance and physical health, providing specific instances such as excessive screen time and psychological issues.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, consider exploring counterarguments or alternative perspectives to strengthen the overall argument. Additionally, provide more varied examples or case studies to illustrate the diverse effects of Facebook on students’ lives.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, addressing the specific effects of Facebook on students’ study and physical development as outlined in the prompt. However, there are instances where the discussion veers slightly off track, such as when mentioning the potential benefits of Facebook groups for learning.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main topic and contributes to the central argument. Limit tangential discussions or provide clear transitions to connect them back to the main point.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively argues for the negative effects of Facebook on students’ study and physical development. To improve, focus on providing more specific evidence, maintaining clarity and consistency in the position, and staying closely aligned with the main topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information, with clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the argument, starting with an assertion and followed by supporting evidence and examples. For instance, the introduction sets up the argument effectively by stating the position and providing a brief overview of the reasons, which are then expanded upon in the subsequent paragraphs. The progression from discussing the impact on learning to the effects on physical development is coherent and well-structured.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on the main idea presented in the topic sentence. Additionally, consider using transition phrases or words between paragraphs to guide the reader smoothly through the argumentative flow.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs appropriate paragraphing, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The paragraphs are adequately developed, containing topic sentences that introduce the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples to reinforce the argument. For example, the second paragraph discusses the impact of Facebook on learning, providing examples of how it leads to academic underperformance and comparison among students.
  • How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, ensure that transitions between paragraphs are seamless to maintain coherence. Additionally, consider varying sentence structure within paragraphs to enhance readability and engagement.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and maintain coherence throughout the text. Examples include pronouns (e.g., "this application," "such features"), conjunctions (e.g., "therefore," "however," "additionally"), and repetition (e.g., "Worse still"). These cohesive devices help to link sentences and paragraphs, creating a cohesive argument.
  • How to improve: Continue to diversify the use of cohesive devices to add nuance and sophistication to the writing. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used judiciously and appropriately to avoid repetition or overreliance on certain phrases. Experiment with different transitional phrases and synonyms to enrich the language and improve overall cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating diverse terms such as "paradoxically," "exerting detrimental impacts," "indulgence," "deleterious effects," "engender," and "procrastination," among others. These choices enhance the depth and sophistication of the essay’s expression.
  • How to improve: While the essay showcases a strong lexical repertoire, further enriching it with contextually appropriate synonyms and idiomatic expressions could elevate the overall sophistication of language. For instance, instead of using common phrases like "adversely impacted," consider alternatives like "exerted a deleterious influence" or "negatively impinged upon."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary usage in the essay is generally precise, contributing to clarity and coherence. For example, terms like "addictive nature," "precious time," and "relentless pursuits" effectively convey the intended meanings. However, there are instances where slightly more precise vocabulary choices could enhance the essay’s impact. For instance, in the sentence "Facebook, like any other social media platform, is the breeding ground for negative remarks and derogatory comments," replacing "breeding ground" with a more specific term like "incubator" or "hotbed" could intensify the expression.
  • How to improve: To ensure utmost precision in vocabulary usage, consider utilizing specialized terms or nuanced expressions where appropriate. Additionally, revising sentences to incorporate precise terminology relevant to the topic can further enhance the clarity and specificity of the essay’s argumentation.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with minimal errors detracting from overall readability. Noteworthy is the consistent adherence to standard spelling conventions throughout the text, contributing to its professional presentation.
  • How to improve: While spelling accuracy is generally strong, continued vigilance during the writing process can help prevent inadvertent errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and allocating time for thorough proofreading can further bolster spelling proficiency, ensuring flawless execution in future compositions. Additionally, consulting a dictionary for unfamiliar terms can mitigate the risk of misspellings and foster a deeper understanding of vocabulary.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, enhancing readability and conveying ideas effectively. The writer employs complex structures such as compound and complex sentences alongside simpler ones, contributing to the coherence and cohesion of the essay. For instance, the essay utilizes compound sentences to link related ideas ("Due to the addictive nature…"; "Additionally, Facebook, like any other social media platform…") and complex sentences to provide elaboration and detail ("Perfectly curated images and glamorous achievements constantly appearing on Facebook can be a driving force behind students’ relentless pursuits to keep up with these ‘online’ people."). The use of such diverse structures enriches the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: To further enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating more complex sentence types, such as conditional sentences or sentences with participial phrases. This can add depth to the analysis and strengthen the writer’s argumentation. Additionally, vary the sentence beginnings to avoid monotony and create a more engaging flow. For instance, instead of consistently starting sentences with "Facebook," try starting with other introductory phrases or clauses.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. Sentences are structured correctly, and punctuation marks are appropriately used to enhance clarity and coherence. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur, such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("Worse still, Facebook can have deleterious effects on students’ physical development.") or inconsistent punctuation usage within a series of items ("…fascinating videos, and perfectly crafted pictures."). These errors do not significantly detract from the overall effectiveness of the writing but are worth noting for improvement.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences and series. Reviewing these rules and practicing their application can help strengthen punctuation skills. Additionally, proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct any grammatical errors or inconsistencies. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also be beneficial in identifying areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

Facebook, a prominent social networking platform, has become a dominant force in many people’s free time, especially among students, which can have negative effects on their studies and physical well-being. I concur with this viewpoint.

It is evident why some individuals believe that Facebook negatively affects learning. Students may easily become engrossed and fixated on screens, endlessly scrolling through social media feeds. This indulgence can inadvertently squander their valuable time that could have been better spent on academic pursuits, resulting in below-average scores. Moreover, excessive engagement with such a platform can give rise to certain psychological issues, such as feelings of inadequacy and comparison with others. The constant stream of curated images and achievements on Facebook can lead students to prioritize social media over their studies, ultimately impacting their academic performance. These considerations attest to the potential dangers posed by Facebook to students’ learning journeys.

Furthermore, Facebook can have adverse effects on students’ physical development. Spending excessive time on the platform may prevent students from engaging in physical activities like sports or yoga, hindering their physical growth. Additionally, exposure to negative remarks and derogatory comments on social media can contribute to mental fatigue, depression, and disrupted sleep patterns, further impacting physical health.

While some argue that Facebook groups dedicated to learning can be beneficial, facilitating discussions and knowledge-sharing, this perspective overlooks the potential distractions posed by social media. Endless news feeds, captivating videos, and perfectly crafted pictures can divert students from their original study objectives, leading to procrastination and decreased productivity. Thus, despite the potential benefits of online learning groups, students must remain vigilant against the distractions posed by social media platforms like Facebook.

In conclusion, Facebook’s pervasive influence can detrimentally impact students’ learning and physical well-being by consuming their time, fostering negative emotions, and diverting their focus from academic pursuits. It is essential for students to strike a balance between online engagement and productive study habits to mitigate the adverse effects of social media on their education and health.