Full-time students should spend a lot of time on studies, but they should be involved in other activities too. Do you agree or disagree?

In the highly competitive educational landscape, the question of whether full-time students should allocate a wide range of time on academic performance, while it is necessary to engage in other activities has sparked a hot debate. Personally, I advocate the notion that while pursuing academia is important, participating in extracurricular activities should be encouraged due to various reasons.

There are several persuasive rationales supporting the focus on studies. Undeniably, diverse subjects in education systems provide a wealth of fundamental knowledge, which relate directly to students’ further profession and help them gain new perspectives in different aspects of lives. Grasping these theories requires plentiful time and effort, since they are complex to explain clearly. By spending much time on academic performance, students can comprehend all knowledge effectively, leading to high marks in many exams, which plays a crucial role in boosting their studying profile. Thus, this method ensures both valuable knowledge comprehension and excellent academic achievement at school, essential for further education in university.

However, despite the idealistic benefit of studies, pursuing additional activities is also vital for their development. Extracurricular activities provide opportunities to encounter multiple tasks, requiring creativity and other life skills such as collaboration, communication and public speaking, which is indispensable for their holistic development. Being involved in supplementary activities, they can acquire practical skills through a process of accomplishing given tasks, leading to significant enhancement in their life skills. Thereby, it helps promote well-rounded growth, contributing significantly to becoming a global citizen in the future.

In conclusion, although studies play a vital role in upgrading their academic proficiency, numerous practical skills offered in other activities benefit directly to their development. Therefore, balancing academic pursuit and other skills acquisition should be prioritized to ensure the comprehensive development of students these days.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"highly competitive educational landscape" -> "intensely competitive educational environment"
Explanation: "Environment" is a more precise term in academic contexts, emphasizing the complex interplay of factors within the educational sphere, whereas "landscape" might imply a broader, more general context.
"allocate a wide range of time on academic performance" -> "devote considerable time to academic performance"
Explanation: "Devote considerable time" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward construction of "allocate a wide range of time on."
"while it is necessary to engage in other activities" -> "while engaging in other activities is necessary"
Explanation: Reordering the phrase improves the flow and clarity of the sentence, making it more direct and formal.
"has sparked a hot debate" -> "has generated significant debate"
Explanation: "Generated significant debate" is more formal and avoids the colloquialism of "hot," which is not typically used in academic writing.
"Personally, I advocate the notion that" -> "I advocate the view that"
Explanation: "I advocate the view that" is more formal and academically appropriate than "Personally, I advocate the notion that," which is somewhat informal.
"due to various reasons" -> "for various reasons"
Explanation: "For various reasons" is the correct prepositional phrase, enhancing the formal tone and clarity.
"Undeniably" -> "Undoubtedly"
Explanation: "Undoubtedly" is a more formal adverb suitable for academic writing, whereas "undeniably" can sound slightly informal.
"diverse subjects in education systems" -> "a diverse range of subjects in educational systems"
Explanation: "A diverse range of subjects in educational systems" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the variety and scope of subjects.
"which relate directly to students’ further profession" -> "which directly relate to their future professions"
Explanation: "Their future professions" is more grammatically correct and formal than "students’ further profession."
"help them gain new perspectives in different aspects of lives" -> "help them gain new perspectives on various aspects of life"
Explanation: "On various aspects of life" is grammatically correct and more formal than "in different aspects of lives."
"Grasping these theories requires plentiful time and effort" -> "Mastering these theories demands considerable time and effort"
Explanation: "Mastering" is a more precise verb for academic contexts, and "considerable" is more formal than "plentiful."
"plays a crucial role in boosting their studying profile" -> "plays a crucial role in enhancing their academic profile"
Explanation: "Enhancing their academic profile" is more specific and formal than "boosting their studying profile."
"This method ensures both valuable knowledge comprehension and excellent academic achievement at school" -> "This approach ensures both comprehensive knowledge acquisition and outstanding academic performance"
Explanation: "Comprehensive knowledge acquisition" and "outstanding academic performance" are more precise and academically appropriate terms.
"pursuing additional activities" -> "engaging in additional activities"
Explanation: "Engaging in" is a more formal and precise term than "pursuing," which can imply a more active, goal-oriented pursuit.
"Being involved in supplementary activities" -> "Participating in supplementary activities"
Explanation: "Participating" is a more formal and precise verb than "being involved," which is somewhat vague.
"benefit directly to their development" -> "benefit directly to their development"
Explanation: "Benefit directly to their development" should be "benefit directly to their development," correcting the grammatical error.
"balancing academic pursuit and other skills acquisition" -> "balancing academic pursuits with other skill acquisition"
Explanation: "Pursuits" is the correct plural form, and "with" is the correct preposition for indicating a simultaneous action, enhancing the formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by acknowledging the importance of studies while also advocating for the involvement in extracurricular activities. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position, and both body paragraphs provide arguments supporting this stance. The first paragraph emphasizes the necessity of focusing on academic performance, while the second highlights the benefits of engaging in other activities. However, the phrasing in the introduction could be clearer in stating that the writer agrees with the need for balance rather than just stating a position.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the introduction could explicitly state a balanced view, such as "I believe that while academic studies are crucial, involvement in extracurricular activities is equally important." This would provide a more direct response to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, advocating for a balance between academic studies and extracurricular involvement. The use of "Personally, I advocate the notion…" establishes the writer’s viewpoint early on. However, the transition between the two arguments could be smoother, as the shift from the importance of studies to the significance of extracurriculars feels slightly abrupt.
- How to improve: To improve coherence, transitional phrases could be used to link the two arguments more effectively, such as "While academic studies are essential, it is equally important to recognize the value of extracurricular activities." This would reinforce the balanced view and guide the reader through the argumentation more fluidly.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, with clear examples of the benefits of both academic focus and extracurricular activities. The first body paragraph discusses the importance of academic knowledge for future professions, while the second outlines the life skills gained from extracurricular involvement. However, the examples could be further developed to provide more depth and specificity, particularly in the second paragraph.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer could include specific examples of extracurricular activities (e.g., sports, clubs, volunteering) and how they contribute to skill development. This would enhance the argument by providing concrete evidence of the benefits discussed.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout, consistently addressing the question of balancing studies with other activities. Each paragraph relates back to the central theme of the prompt, and there are no significant deviations from the topic. However, some sentences could be more concise to maintain focus and clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should aim for conciseness, particularly in complex sentences. For instance, simplifying phrases like "which relate directly to students’ further profession and help them gain new perspectives in different aspects of lives" could enhance clarity. A more straightforward approach would be, "which directly relate to future careers and provide new perspectives."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With minor adjustments in clarity, transitions, and examples, it could achieve an even higher level of coherence and depth.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction that outlines the main points and two body paragraphs that discuss the importance of studies and extracurricular activities. The progression of ideas is logical, moving from the importance of academic performance to the benefits of extracurricular involvement. However, the transition between the two main ideas could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "However, despite the idealistic benefit of studies…" could be more effectively linked to the previous paragraph to enhance the logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, you could start the second paragraph with a phrase like, "While academic success is crucial, it is equally important to recognize the value of extracurricular activities." This would create a clearer contrast and improve the overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the importance of studies, while the second addresses extracurricular activities. However, the conclusion could be more distinct, as it somewhat blends into the last body paragraph without a clear separation.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion is clearly marked and summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas. A strong concluding statement that encapsulates the argument and reinforces the balance between studies and extracurricular activities would enhance the overall structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "undeniably," "however," and "thereby," which help to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied, as some transitions feel repetitive, particularly "thereby" and "thus."
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "thereby," you could use alternatives like "as a result," "consequently," or "in addition." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a greater command of language.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on improving transitions, clarifying paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "allocate," "extracurricular activities," and "holistic development." These choices reflectan understanding of the topic and add depth to the argument. However, some phrases, such as "hot debate" and "essential for further education," are somewhat clichéd and could benefit from more varied expressions.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more specific and varied synonyms or phrases. For example, instead of "hot debate," you might use "intense discussion" or "contentious issue." Additionally, exploring academic vocabulary related to education and personal development could further enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "allocate a wide range of time on academic performance" could be more clearly expressed as "allocate a significant amount of time to academic studies." Additionally, "theories require plentiful time and effort" could be refined to "theories require considerable time and effort," as "plentiful" is not typically used in this context.
- How to improve: To improve precision, focus on the context in which words are used. Consider using a thesaurus to find synonyms that fit better within the context of your sentences. Practicing writing with a focus on clarity and specificity will also help in selecting the most appropriate vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a strong command of spelling, with no noticeable errors. Words like "collaboration," "communication," and "indispensable" are spelled correctly, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain and enhance spelling accuracy, continue to proofread your work carefully. Utilizing spelling and grammar checking tools can also be beneficial. Additionally, consider keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly to reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, the essay’s lexical resource is strong, but there is room for improvement in vocabulary variety and precision. By focusing on these areas, the essay can achieve an even higher score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "By spending much time on academic performance, students can comprehend all knowledge effectively, leading to high marks in many exams," showcases an ability to connect ideas and convey nuanced thoughts. Additionally, the essay includes a mix of simple and compound sentences, which helps maintain reader engagement. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the question of whether full-time students should allocate a wide range of time on academic performance," which could be more succinctly expressed.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases or clauses. For example, using participial phrases or conditional clauses can add depth. Additionally, ensure that complex sentences are not overly convoluted; clarity should always be prioritized. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help enhance structural variety.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors present. For instance, the phrase "which relate directly to students’ further profession" should be "which relates directly to students’ future professions" to maintain subject-verb agreement and correct word choice. Punctuation is generally well-handled, but there are a few instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "which plays a crucial role in boosting their studying profile."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and practicing with exercises focused on these areas can be beneficial. For punctuation, consider reading the essay aloud to identify natural pauses where commas might be needed for clarity. Additionally, employing tools like grammar checkers can help catch minor errors before final submission.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, with opportunities for refinement in both structure and precision. By focusing on these areas, the writer can further enhance their writing proficiency.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the intensely competitive educational environment, the question of whether full-time students should devote considerable time to academic performance, while engaging in other activities is necessary, has generated significant debate. Personally, I advocate the view that while pursuing academia is important, participating in extracurricular activities should be encouraged for various reasons.

There are several persuasive rationales supporting the focus on studies. Undoubtedly, a diverse range of subjects in educational systems provides a wealth of fundamental knowledge, which directly relates to students’ future professions and helps them gain new perspectives on various aspects of life. Mastering these theories demands considerable time and effort, as they can be complex to grasp. By spending ample time on academic performance, students can effectively comprehend all knowledge, leading to high marks in many exams, which plays a crucial role in enhancing their academic profile. Thus, this approach ensures both comprehensive knowledge acquisition and outstanding academic performance at school, essential for further education at university.

However, despite the idealistic benefits of studies, engaging in additional activities is also vital for students’ development. Extracurricular activities provide opportunities to encounter multiple tasks, requiring creativity and other life skills such as collaboration, communication, and public speaking, which are indispensable for their holistic growth. By participating in supplementary activities, students can acquire practical skills through the process of accomplishing given tasks, leading to significant enhancements in their life skills. This, in turn, promotes well-rounded growth, contributing significantly to their development as global citizens in the future.

In conclusion, although studies play a vital role in upgrading academic proficiency, the numerous practical skills offered through other activities benefit their development directly. Therefore, balancing academic pursuits with other skill acquisition should be prioritized to ensure the comprehensive development of students today.