Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.

To what extent do you agree with this statement?

An increasing concern for many governments around the world is the declining health of their citizens due to a poor diet. While some people believe governments should be responsible for improving the health of their nation, others believe it is up to the individual. for me, i lean towards to the later view. This essay will examine both sides of the argument.

There is no doubt that individuals must take some responsibility for their diet and health. The argument to support this is the fact that adults have free will and make their own choices about what they eat and the exercise that they do. Children are also becoming less healthy. However, their parents are the ones who provide their evening meals so it is their responsibility to ensure these meals are nutritious and encourage them to avoid junk food and sugary snacks during the day.

Despite these arguments, there is also a case for advocating the intervention of the state. People these days often have little choice but to depend on fast food or ready meals that are high in sugar, salt and fat due to the pressures of work. Governments could regulate the ingredients of such food. Some governments also spend huge amounts of tax money on treating health problems of their citizens in hospitals. It would be logical to spend this on preventative measures such as campaigns to encourage exercise and a good diet.

Having considered both sides of the issue, I believe that governments should be responsible for improving the health of their nation,.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "for me, i lean towards to the later view." -> "Personally, I tend to lean towards the latter view."
   Explanation: The original phrase is overly informal and includes a first-person perspective. Replacing it with "Personally, I tend to lean towards the latter view" maintains the personal touch while adhering to a more formal expression.

2. "There is no doubt that individuals must take some responsibility for their diet and health." -> "Undoubtedly, individuals bear the responsibility for their diet and health."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative enhances the formality of the statement by replacing the colloquial "There is no doubt that" with "Undoubtedly" and restructuring the sentence for a more academic tone.

3. "Children are also becoming less healthy." -> "Moreover, there is a concerning decline in the health of children."
   Explanation: The recommended change introduces a transition word ("Moreover") to enhance coherence and replaces the casual phrase "Children are also becoming less healthy" with a more academically precise expression.

4. "However, their parents are the ones who provide their evening meals so it is their responsibility to ensure these meals are nutritious and encourage them to avoid junk food and sugary snacks during the day." -> "Nevertheless, it falls upon parents to provide nutritious evening meals and foster habits that deter children from consuming junk food and sugary snacks throughout the day."
   Explanation: The suggested alternative maintains the contrast with "Nevertheless," while refining the language to be more formal and explicit about parental responsibilities.

5. "People these days often have little choice but to depend on fast food or ready meals that are high in sugar, salt and fat due to the pressures of work." -> "Contemporary individuals frequently find themselves compelled to rely on fast food or ready meals, which are often laden with excessive sugar, salt, and fat, owing to work-related pressures."
   Explanation: The recommended revision introduces more sophisticated language, such as "Contemporary individuals" and "compelled," to elevate the overall academic tone.

6. "It would be logical to spend this on preventative measures such as campaigns to encourage exercise and a good diet." -> "Allocating these funds to preventive measures, such as campaigns promoting regular exercise and a healthy diet, would be a prudent course of action."
   Explanation: The proposed alternative uses more formal language like "allocating" and "prudent," providing a more refined expression of the idea while maintaining clarity.

7. "Having considered both sides of the issue, I believe that governments should be responsible for improving the health of their nation,." -> "In light of the comprehensive examination of both perspectives, I firmly contend that governments should assume responsibility for enhancing the health of their nation."
   Explanation: The revised sentence introduces a more formal transition phrase ("In light of the comprehensive examination") and replaces "I believe" with a stronger and more assertive "I firmly contend." This enhances the academic tone of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 2

Band Score for Task Response: 2

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument but fails to clearly express a stance on whether government investment in the arts is a waste of money. The lack of a conclusive position affects the overall response to the question.
  • How to improve: To enhance task response, it is crucial to explicitly state the essay’s position on the issue in the introduction and maintain this stance throughout the essay. Additionally, ensure that each aspect of the prompt is thoroughly discussed to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear and consistent position. While the introduction suggests a leaning towards individual responsibility, the concluding sentence contradicts this by advocating government intervention. This inconsistency affects the clarity of the essay’s stance.
  • How to improve: To improve coherence, choose a clear position early in the essay and maintain it consistently. Ensure that each paragraph aligns with the chosen position, providing a more convincing argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, but the development and support are weak. For instance, the argument that adults have free will is not sufficiently elaborated or supported with examples. Additionally, the points made lack depth, and the essay would benefit from more thorough exploration of each side of the argument.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more detailed examples, expanding on each point, and offering evidence to support the presented ideas. This will enhance the overall depth and persuasiveness of the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay deviates from the topic at times, such as discussing the declining health of citizens due to a poor diet. While health is relevant, the focus should primarily be on whether government investment in the arts is a waste of money.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, maintain a clear connection between the points discussed and the prompt. Avoid introducing tangential issues and ensure that every paragraph directly contributes to addressing the main question.

In summary, the essay demonstrates some understanding of the prompt but falls short in maintaining a clear position, adequately supporting ideas, and staying focused on the topic. To improve, focus on presenting a well-defined stance, providing detailed examples, and consistently addressing all aspects of the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally follows a logical organization, but there are issues with coherence. The introduction introduces the topic but lacks a clear thesis statement. The body paragraphs present contrasting views, but the overall progression is somewhat abrupt. The conclusion is concise but lacks a restatement of the main points.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing a clear thesis statement in the introduction that outlines your stance. Ensure a smoother transition between body paragraphs, perhaps by using transitional phrases. In the conclusion, summarize the main points to reinforce your position.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure is inconsistent. The first paragraph is a bit unclear, and there’s a lack of a clear topic sentence in some paragraphs. The overall organization could be improved for better readability.
  • How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs, maintaining a clear connection to the thesis statement. Consider revising the first paragraph to provide a more solid introduction.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitions (e.g., "despite these arguments," "having considered both sides"). However, there’s room for improvement. The use of cohesive devices could be more varied and strategic to enhance overall coherence.
  • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns (e.g., "these," "those"), conjunctions (e.g., "furthermore," "however"), and parallel structures. Use these devices strategically to link ideas within and between sentences, creating a more cohesive and fluid essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, there are areas that can be refined. Strengthening the thesis statement, improving paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a more logically organized and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied words, but it lacks consistency. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "health of their nation" and "their responsibility" limits the diversity. Additionally, some words, like "later view," could be replaced with more precise alternatives.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, explore synonyms and varied expressions. Instead of repetitive phrases, employ a broader spectrum of terms. For instance, consider alternatives to "health of their nation" such as "public well-being" or "citizens’ welfare."

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is compromised in several instances. For example, "lean towards to the later view" could be more precisely expressed as "tend towards the latter perspective." Additionally, the use of "adults have free will" could benefit from a more specific term than "free will" to articulate the concept more precisely.
  • How to improve: Focus on using more precise terms and expressions. For instance, replace vague phrases with specific words, like "individual autonomy" instead of "free will." Ensure that each word serves a distinct purpose and contributes to the clarity and accuracy of your expression.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: There are several spelling errors throughout the essay, such as "to the later view" (should be "to the latter view") and "the exercise that they do" (should be "the exercise they do"). These errors impact the overall spelling accuracy.
  • How to improve: Pay careful attention to spelling, and consider revising your work after writing to catch and correct errors. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools can be beneficial. Make it a practice to proofread your essays thoroughly to identify and rectify spelling mistakes before submission.

In summary, while the essay exhibits an effort to use vocabulary effectively, improvements in range, precision, and spelling accuracy are essential to elevate the lexical resource score. Enhancing vocabulary diversity, choosing more precise terms, and diligently addressing spelling errors will contribute significantly to overall improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks variety in sentence structures. There is a prevalence of simple sentences, and the attempts at complexity often result in grammatical errors, such as the run-on sentence: "An increasing concern for many governments around the world is the declining health of their citizens due to a poor diet. While some people believe governments should be responsible for improving the health of their nation, others believe it is up to the individual. for me, i lean towards to the later view."
  • How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range, introduce a variety of sentence structures, including compound and complex sentences. For example, consider combining related ideas using coordinating and subordinating conjunctions. This can contribute to a smoother flow and improved coherence.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits notable grammatical errors, including issues with subject-verb agreement ("i lean"), punctuation (e.g., missing period after "view"), and capitalization errors ("for me" should be "For me"). Additionally, there is inconsistent use of articles ("the later view" should be "the latter view").
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to basic grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation. Proofread the essay carefully to catch and correct errors. Consider seeking feedback from others to identify areas of improvement.

In summary, while the essay attempts to address the prompt, the grammatical range and accuracy are limited. To enhance the score, focus on incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and improving overall grammar and punctuation accuracy. Additionally, thorough proofreading is crucial to catch and rectify errors that may impact the coherence and clarity of the essay.

Bài sửa mẫu

An escalating concern for numerous governments worldwide revolves around the deteriorating health of their citizens stemming from unhealthy dietary habits. While some argue that it is the government’s role to enhance the health of the nation, others contend that individuals should bear this responsibility. Personally, I tend to lean towards the latter view. This essay will delve into both perspectives.

Undoubtedly, individuals must shoulder some responsibility for their diet and health. The rationale supporting this is the acknowledgment that adults possess free will and make autonomous choices regarding their dietary preferences and exercise routines. Moreover, there is a concerning decline in the health of children. Nevertheless, it falls upon parents to provide nutritious evening meals and foster habits that deter children from consuming junk food and sugary snacks throughout the day.

Despite these arguments, there is also a case for advocating state intervention. Modern individuals frequently find themselves compelled to rely on fast food or ready meals, which are often laden with excessive sugar, salt, and fat, owing to work-related pressures. Governments could play a role in regulating the ingredients of such food. Moreover, some governments allocate significant funds from taxpayers to treat health problems of their citizens in hospitals. Allocating these funds to preventive measures, such as campaigns promoting regular exercise and a healthy diet, would be a prudent course of action.

In light of the comprehensive examination of both perspectives, I firmly contend that governments should assume responsibility for enhancing the health of their nation. This is not to diminish the importance of individual accountability but rather to recognize the potential impact of government initiatives in promoting a healthier society.