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https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=3807516839471652&set=gm.1120552549178643&idorvanity=981867036380529&__cft__[0]=AZW01iFJ9xWWhTCO3-vGbcjXNvJFQfOiDNs8inpFNc2pRFIxFmsMHDxJ0846JySZEDm-witgWHwHHC8hUVeEGEmOb2cwHizTmt9VUl6yM7AtrITJjpzSsh3x-2IgWkpNr2wq4qSkDRde9Rn3RPJ619r7tdGTqM2yxzmF8eStaaks_U8OlSeL4tGgz_orGmj2YiZlr9CmCMJd4pxIKB1bHTUf&__tn__=EH-R
The given map illustrates the changes of a local museum and its surroundings in 1957 and 2007.
Overall, beside the decrease of green space, the size of the museum changed significantly with lots of amenities added at the end of survey.
In 1957, the museum was built in the center of a large garden. There is a path in front of the court at the main gate of the garden. The entire museum consists of three main rooms used mainly for display purposes. The largest room is the National History Exhibition Hall on the north side of the building. Next to the national history gallery on the east side is the museum warehouse, opposite the local history room.
In 2007, the old pathway in the center was demolished so the entrance was moved to the west, leading to a new museum shop. Moreover, the museum was reconstructed with the addition of a reception and a cafe and the relocation of the local history room to the middle of the museum. Finally, special exhibitions and an education center were erected in the cleared garden space.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"lots of amenities added" -> "numerous amenities were added"
Explanation: "Lots of" is overly informal for an academic context. "Numerous" conveys the same meaning in a more formal manner. -
"Beside the decrease of green space" -> "Despite the reduction in green space"
Explanation: "Beside" is informal; "Despite" is more suitable for academic writing. "Decrease" is correct but can be enhanced with "reduction" for variety. -
"There is a path" -> "A path exists"
Explanation: "There is" is less formal compared to "exists". -
"used mainly for display purposes" -> "primarily utilized for displays"
Explanation: "Used mainly for display purposes" can be succinctly expressed as "primarily utilized for displays" without losing clarity. -
"The largest room is the National History Exhibition Hall" -> "The largest room is the National History Exhibition Hall"
Explanation: No change needed. -
"Next to the national history gallery on the east side" -> "Adjacent to the national history gallery on the east side"
Explanation: "Next to" can be replaced with "Adjacent to" for a more formal tone. -
"opposite the local history room" -> "opposite to the local history room"
Explanation: "opposite the" is grammatically incorrect. "Opposite to" is the correct phrase. -
"the old pathway in the center was demolished so the entrance was moved to the west" -> "the original central pathway was demolished, relocating the entrance to the west"
Explanation: Rearranging the sentence for clarity and formality, while using "original" to specify which pathway was demolished. -
"leading to a new museum shop" -> "which leads to a new museum shop"
Explanation: "leading to" can be replaced with "which leads to" for smoother sentence flow. -
"Moreover, the museum was reconstructed with the addition of a reception and a cafe" -> "Furthermore, the museum underwent reconstruction, incorporating a reception area and a cafe"
Explanation: "Moreover" is replaced with "Furthermore" for variety. "Was reconstructed with the addition of" is rephrased to "underwent reconstruction, incorporating" for conciseness and clarity. -
"the relocation of the local history room to the middle of the museum" -> "relocating the local history room to the center of the museum"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for improved clarity and flow. -
"Finally, special exhibitions and an education center were erected in the cleared garden space" -> "Finally, special exhibitions and an education center were established in the newly cleared garden space"
Explanation: Replacing "erected" with "established" for a less formal and more appropriate term in this context.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the main components of the prompt by describing the changes in the local museum and its surroundings between 1957 and 2007. It identifies the relocation of the entrance, the addition of amenities like a museum shop, reception, cafe, special exhibitions, and an education center, as well as the demolition of the pathway and changes in the museum’s layout.
- How to improve: To enhance the completeness of the response, consider providing more details on the impact of these changes. How did the addition of amenities affect the museum’s function or visitor experience? Was there any significance to the relocation of the local history room? Expanding on these aspects would enrich the essay’s content.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout by focusing on describing the changes in the museum and its surroundings over time. It presents these changes as factual developments without expressing personal opinions or biases.
- How to improve: While maintaining objectivity is crucial, incorporating some analysis or interpretation of the significance of these changes could strengthen the essay. For instance, discussing the potential reasons behind the alterations or the implications for the local community could add depth to the analysis.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the changes in the museum’s layout and surroundings effectively, providing specific details such as the addition of a museum shop, reception, cafe, special exhibitions, and an education center. However, these ideas could be further extended and supported with additional information or analysis.
- How to improve: To enhance the depth of the essay, consider elaborating on the reasons for these changes or their significance. Exploring how these developments reflect broader trends in museum design or urban planning could provide valuable context and enrich the discussion.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by focusing on the changes in the local museum and its surroundings as depicted in the provided map. However, there are some minor deviations, such as the brief mention of the decrease in green space without further elaboration.
- How to improve: To maintain a stronger focus on the topic, ensure that all details provided directly relate to the changes depicted in the map. If mentioning additional factors like the decrease in green space, provide more context or relevance to the main discussion, or omit such details if they are not directly pertinent to the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively organizes information by first describing the layout of the museum in 1957 and then transitioning to its changes in 2007. The chronological order provides a clear structure for understanding the evolution of the museum and its surroundings over time. However, some aspects of the museum’s transformation could be further emphasized for better clarity, such as the significance of the added amenities and the overall impact on the museum’s layout.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing more explicit connections between the changes described in 1957 and those in 2007. Additionally, ensure that each detail contributes directly to the reader’s understanding of the museum’s evolution, avoiding any unnecessary information that may distract from the main narrative.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into two paragraphs, with the first focusing on the museum’s layout in 1957 and the second on its changes in 2007. This division effectively separates the discussion of different time periods and allows for a clearer presentation of information. However, within each paragraph, there could be further subdivision to enhance coherence and highlight specific aspects of the museum’s transformation.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down each paragraph into smaller sections, each addressing a distinct aspect of the museum’s layout or changes. For example, within the paragraph discussing the 2007 changes, separate discussions could be dedicated to the relocation of the entrance, the addition of new facilities, and the transformation of the garden space. This would improve the readability and organization of the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as temporal markers ("In 1957", "Next", "Moreover", "Finally") and pronouns ("The entire museum", "The largest room", "Next to"). These devices help connect ideas and establish the chronological progression of events, facilitating the reader’s understanding of the museum’s transformation over time. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the types of cohesive devices used and ensuring their seamless integration throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices beyond temporal markers and pronouns to include conjunctions, transitions, and other linking phrases. For instance, instead of relying solely on chronological markers, incorporate causal relationships ("as a result", "due to") or contrastive elements ("however", "on the other hand") to provide a more nuanced depiction of the museum’s changes. Additionally, pay attention to the consistency of cohesive device usage to maintain coherence throughout the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
- Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It effectively employs terms such as "illustrates," "significant," "amenities," "survey," "warehouse," "reception," "erected," etc. However, there is room for enhancement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "museum," variations like "institution," "gallery," or "exhibition hall" could enrich the expression.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating synonyms and varied phrases to avoid repetition. Explore synonyms using a thesaurus or by analyzing model essays to observe how different terms are used in context.
- Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. For example, terms like "reception," "cafe," and "education center" are used appropriately to describe specific features. However, some areas could benefit from more precise word choices. For instance, the phrase "the size of the museum changed significantly" could be refined with more precise descriptors like "the physical footprint of the museum underwent substantial alterations."
- How to improve: To improve precision, strive to use vocabulary that precisely conveys the intended meaning. This can involve selecting words with specific connotations and ensuring they accurately reflect the intended context. Reading extensively and paying attention to how words are used in different contexts can aid in developing a nuanced understanding of vocabulary usage.
- Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout. There are no glaring spelling errors evident in the text, indicating a solid grasp of spelling conventions. However, it’s essential to remain vigilant in proofreading to catch any potential errors that may have been overlooked.
- How to improve: To maintain spelling accuracy, continue to practice proofreading techniques, such as reading the text aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, familiarize yourself with common spelling rules and patterns to reinforce spelling proficiency. Consistent practice and attention to detail will help minimize errors in spelling.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. It primarily utilizes simple and compound sentences. Complex sentences are present but are relatively limited. For instance, in the sentence "Moreover, the museum was reconstructed with the addition of a reception and a cafe and the relocation of the local history room to the middle of the museum," a complex structure is employed, combining multiple clauses. However, more complex structures such as conditional sentences or inverted sentences could enhance the richness of expression.
- How to improve: To improve the range of structures, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence types, such as complex sentences with subordinate clauses or conditional sentences. Additionally, experiment with sentence structures like inversion or parallelism to add depth and complexity to your writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are some minor errors and inconsistencies. For example, in the sentence "Overall, beside the decrease of green space, the size of the museum changed significantly with lots of amenities added at the end of survey," there is a grammatical error with "beside" instead of "besides." Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("Moreover") and between items in a list ("special exhibitions and an education center").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word choice. Proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct errors in punctuation, ensuring consistent and appropriate use throughout the text. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to address these issues systematically. Additionally, review grammar rules and practice writing sentences with correct grammar to reinforce your skills.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical structures and punctuation, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and ensuring consistent grammatical accuracy and punctuation usage. By incorporating a wider range of sentence types and refining grammar and punctuation skills, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
The provided map depicts the transformations of a local museum and its surroundings between 1957 and 2007.
Overall, despite the reduction in green space, significant changes occurred in the museum’s size, with numerous amenities added by the end of the period.
In 1957, the museum was situated in the center of a spacious garden. A pathway existed in front of the courtyard at the main entrance. The museum comprised three primary rooms primarily utilized for displays. The largest room, the National History Exhibition Hall, was located on the northern side of the building. Adjacent to the national history gallery on the east side was the museum warehouse, while opposite stood the local history room.
By 2007, the original central pathway was demolished, relocating the entrance to the west, leading to a new museum shop. Furthermore, the museum underwent reconstruction, incorporating a reception area and a cafe. The local history room was relocated to the center of the museum. Finally, special exhibitions and an education center were established in the newly cleared garden space.
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