Hương Quỳnh 6.5F .The bar chart below shows the leisure activities that teenagers in Canada report to be their favorite.

The chart shows the favorite leisure activities of teenagers in Canada. Generally speaking, boys' favorite leisure activities are higher than girls'. Favorite leisure activities such as shopping are most popular among boys. And favorite leisure activities like music are the highest among girls. In terms of sports, boy's the number, which is recorded at over 25%, is higher than that of girls. For computer games, the amount of boys, which stood at over 15% is higher than that of girls. In music, the number of boys, which is recorded at 20%, is equal to that of girls. Regarding shopping, the number of boys is higher than the number of girls'. The specific stats are under 35% for the former and over 5% for the latter.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Generally speaking" -> "In general"
Explanation: "In general" is a more concise and formal way to introduce a general statement, fitting better in academic writing than the more conversational "Generally speaking."
"boys’ favorite leisure activities are higher than girls’" -> "boys’ preferred leisure activities exceed those of girls"
Explanation: "Exceed" is more precise and academically formal than "are higher," which is somewhat vague and informal. Additionally, "preferred" is more specific than "favorite," which can imply personal taste rather than a general trend.
"Favorite leisure activities such as shopping are most popular among boys" -> "Leisure activities such as shopping are the most popular among boys"
Explanation: Removing "favorite" clarifies that the activities are widely preferred, not necessarily the most liked. Also, "the most popular" is more formal and precise than "most popular."
"And favorite leisure activities like music are the highest among girls" -> "And leisure activities such as music are the most preferred among girls"
Explanation: Similar to the previous correction, "the most preferred" is more formal and precise than "the highest," which can be misleading in this context. Also, "like" is informal; "such as" is more appropriate for formal writing.
"boy’s the number" -> "the percentage of boys"
Explanation: "The percentage of boys" is clearer and more formal than "boy’s the number," which is grammatically incorrect and awkward.
"which is recorded at over 25%" -> "which exceeds 25%"
Explanation: "Exceeds" is a more direct and formal way to express that a percentage is higher than the stated value.
"the amount of boys" -> "the proportion of boys"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more specific and academically appropriate than "amount" when discussing percentages.
"the number of boys, which stood at over 15%" -> "the proportion of boys, which is over 15%"
Explanation: Similar to the previous correction, "proportion" is more precise than "number," and "is" is more formal than "stood at."
"In music, the number of boys is higher than the number of girls’" -> "In music, the proportion of boys equals that of girls"
Explanation: "Equals" is more precise and formal than "is higher," which can imply superiority rather than equality.
"Regarding shopping, the number of boys is higher than the number of girls’" -> "In terms of shopping, the proportion of boys exceeds that of girls"
Explanation: "Exceeds" is more formal than "is higher," and "that of girls" is grammatically correct compared to "the number of girls’."
"The specific stats are under 35% for the former and over 5% for the latter" -> "The specific statistics are 35% for boys and 5% for girls"
Explanation: "Statistics" should be plural to match "specific," and the statement is clearer and more formal when using "35% for boys" and "5% for girls" directly.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. Instead, it recounts details mechanically, focusing on individual data points rather than presenting a broader picture. The essay also fails to

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information about the leisure activities of teenagers in Canada, but it lacks a clear overall progression and organization. While it mentions various activities and compares boys’ and girls’ preferences, the structure is somewhat repetitive and does not effectively guide the reader through the information. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate, leading to a mechanical flow of ideas. Additionally, the paragraphing is not well managed, as the essay does not clearly separate different points or themes, which contributes to a lack of clarity in the overall presentation.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on organizing the essay into clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the data. Using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as linking words and phrases, can help create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic and supporting details will improve the overall logical flow of the essay. Avoiding repetitive phrases and varying sentence structures will also contribute to a more engaging and coherent response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it communicates the main ideas, the vocabulary used is repetitive and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "boy’s the number" instead of "the number of boys," and "the amount of boys" which is not the appropriate term in this context. Additionally, there are issues with word formation and grammatical structure that may cause some difficulty for the reader. Overall, the lexical resource does not sufficiently convey precise meanings and lacks the sophistication expected at higher band levels.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to use a wider variety of vocabulary and phrases to describe the data. Incorporating synonyms and more specific terms related to leisure activities would improve clarity and precision. Additionally, focusing on grammatical accuracy and avoiding repetitive structures will help elevate the overall quality of the essay. Engaging with more complex sentence structures and ensuring correct word forms will also contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. While the meaning is generally clear, there are frequent grammatical errors, particularly with possessive forms (e.g., "boy’s" instead of "boys’" and "the number of boys is higher than the number of girls’"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader. Additionally, the repetitive phrasing ("favorite leisure activities") detracts from the overall fluency and coherence of the essay.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct grammatical errors, especially with possessives and plural forms, would improve clarity. Expanding vocabulary and using synonyms to avoid repetition can also enhance the overall quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The chart shows the favorite leisure activities of teenagers in Canada. Generally speaking, boys’ favorite leisure activities are more popular than those of girls. Activities such as shopping are most favored by boys, while music ranks highest among girls. In terms of sports, the percentage for boys, recorded at over 25%, is higher than that for girls. For computer games, the proportion of boys, which stood at over 15%, also exceeds that of girls. In music, the percentage of boys, recorded at 20%, is equal to that of girls. Regarding shopping, the number of boys is higher than that of girls, with specific statistics under 35% for boys and over 5% for girls.