In many countries around the world, life expectancy is increasing. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this situation and give your own opinion.

In many countries around the world, life expectancy is increasing.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this situation and give your own opinion.

In the development of modern society today, life expectancy has emerged as a considerable issue in most countries. There has been too much controversy about whether the increase of life expectancy brings more benefits or drawbacks. From my perspective, the positive sides of the phenomenon clearly surpass its negative disadvantages.

Many people may consider subjectively the growth of life expectancy as a stressful burden for the government. The fact is that agencies have to pay attention to the elderly to ensure they are getting a comfortable life. To do that, the requirement of the government's sources of finance or a stable fund from the community is really crucial in a long-term period. For example, in recent years, the investment in old people’s homes has been taken into action to give place for old people. Moreover, other monthly expenses such as free health care services, public parks, entertainment facilities, etc. for retired people require the government to pay special attention at both scope and scale. Another downside of this old-aging issue is the shortage of labor resources. This is especially challenging because young labor is an valuable asset of a country's economic development. Lack of these diversified resources can influence the welfare of a country as not enough young laborers can be in the workforce.

However, the benefits of increased life expectancy have a vast significance to the community. One advantage is that the elderly can share their own valuable experiences and knowledge to the young generations to avoid making serious mistakes. Such a benefit is especially important for young talents as specific professional fields always require sources of labor with high technique and profound experiences. Furthermore, together with crystallized practice from experienced people, young talents can revolutionize techniques from old methodologies, achieve new innovations and creativities. Another advantage is that the elderly are the root of a family where all members can be cared for, healed and loved by each other. We get our parents’ support unconditionally, we receive love from our grandparents, we share sensitive issues with our brothers/sisters in hard times. This leads to a closed interconnection in the warm home that no place in this world can do it.

In conclusion, it is apparent that the growth of life expectancy offers more advantages than disadvantages. With adequate attention from the government and care from the community, I firmly believe that we all can address these challenges absolutely and create a better world for all to live in.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "too much controversy" -> "considerable controversy"
    Explanation: "Too much controversy" is somewhat informal. Replacing it with "considerable controversy" maintains the intended meaning while presenting a more formal tone appropriate for academic writing.

  2. "From my perspective" -> "In my view"
    Explanation: "From my perspective" is slightly informal for an academic context. "In my view" is a more formal and commonly used phrase in academic writing to express personal opinion.

  3. "stressful burden" -> "significant challenge"
    Explanation: "Stressful burden" is somewhat colloquial. Replacing it with "significant challenge" maintains the impact of the statement while adopting a more formal tone suitable for academic writing.

  4. "agencies" -> "authorities"
    Explanation: While "agencies" is not entirely incorrect, using "authorities" adds formality and specificity, aligning better with discussions involving government bodies.

  5. "to do that" -> "to accomplish this"
    Explanation: "To do that" is slightly informal. "To accomplish this" is more formal and aligns better with academic writing standards.

  6. "crucial" -> "essential"
    Explanation: While "crucial" isn’t wrong, "essential" carries a more formal and precise tone in this context, emphasizing the importance of stable funding.

  7. "taken into action" -> "implemented"
    Explanation: "Taken into action" is more informal. "Implemented" is a more formal alternative suitable for academic writing.

  8. "monthly expenses" -> "ongoing expenditures"
    Explanation: "Monthly expenses" is rather general. "Ongoing expenditures" is more precise and formal, fitting the context of sustained financial commitments.

  9. "etc." -> Avoid using it in formal writing.
    Explanation: "Etc." is informal and vague. Specify the examples provided for clarity and formality.

  10. "old-aging issue" -> "issue of an aging population"
    Explanation: "Old-aging issue" is slightly informal. "Issue of an aging population" is more formal and precise, adhering to academic standards.

  11. "valuable" -> "precious"
    Explanation: "Valuable" isn’t incorrect, but "precious" adds a touch of formality while maintaining the intended meaning in the context of labor resources.

  12. "diversified" -> "diverse"
    Explanation: "Diversified" is less commonly used in this context. "Diverse" is more fitting and maintains formality.

  13. "can be in the workforce" -> "participate in the workforce"
    Explanation: "Can be in the workforce" is acceptable but less formal. "Participate in the workforce" presents a more formal and direct expression.

  14. "vast significance" -> "profound significance"
    Explanation: "Vast significance" is somewhat general. "Profound significance" enhances the formality and emphasizes the depth of the advantages.

  15. "revolutionize techniques" -> "innovate techniques"
    Explanation: "Revolutionize techniques" is slightly informal. "Innovate techniques" is a more precise and formal alternative.

  16. "creativities" -> "creative endeavors"
    Explanation: "Creativities" is not a standard term. "Creative endeavors" is more appropriate and formal for discussing innovative activities.

  17. "root of a family" -> "foundation of a family"
    Explanation: "Root of a family" is less formal. "Foundation of a family" is a more formal and fitting expression in academic writing.

  18. "interconnection" -> "bond"
    Explanation: "Interconnection" is suitable, but "bond" adds a touch of formality without altering the intended meaning.

  19. "In conclusion, it is apparent that" -> "In conclusion, it is evident that"
    Explanation: "It is apparent that" is slightly informal. "It is evident that" maintains the meaning while sounding more formal and suitable for an academic conclusion.

  20. "I firmly believe that" -> Omit (redundant)
    Explanation: In an academic context, stating personal belief is often assumed. Omitting this phrase maintains the assertion without unnecessary repetition.

Overall, these suggested changes enhance the essay’s formality and align its vocabulary more closely with academic writing standards without compromising clarity or meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay covers both advantages and disadvantages of increasing life expectancy. The writer clearly states a preference for the positive aspects but acknowledges the negative impacts, discussing them in reasonable detail.
    • How to improve: To enhance, consider offering a deeper exploration of the drawbacks. While the essay mentions financial burdens and labor shortages, expanding on these with specific examples or statistical data could strengthen the discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The writer’s standpoint is explicit and consistent. The preference for the benefits of increased life expectancy is clearly articulated and upheld throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph reinforces the chosen stance. Connect each supporting point back to the overarching viewpoint to maintain a strong, consistent position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, elaborating on both advantages and disadvantages. Examples are provided to support each argument, such as the investment in old people’s homes and the importance of the elderly sharing experiences.
    • How to improve: To improve, deepen the discussion by elaborating further on how these advantages or disadvantages specifically impact society or individuals. This could involve providing more diverse examples or exploring the effects in greater depth.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay predominantly stays focused on the prompt. It discusses advantages and disadvantages related to increased life expectancy without significant deviations.
    • How to improve: While generally on topic, ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the advantages, disadvantages, or the writer’s opinion. Avoid tangents or general statements that don’t directly connect to the prompt.

Overall Remarks: This essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy. To enhance the response, consider adding more depth to the discussion of disadvantages and reinforcing the essay’s structure to consistently support the stated position throughout. Additionally, incorporating specific examples and data could further bolster the argumentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a coherent conclusion. However, there are moments when the flow is disrupted, such as the abrupt transition from discussing the disadvantages to the benefits. This creates a slight disruption in the logical progression of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing smoother transitions between paragraphs. Introduce each new point in a way that connects seamlessly with the preceding one. Additionally, ensure a balanced presentation of advantages and disadvantages throughout the essay.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, presenting distinct ideas in separate paragraphs. However, the second paragraph is lengthy and addresses both the financial burden and shortage of labor resources. Breaking this paragraph into two could improve the readability and coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Divide the second paragraph into two smaller paragraphs. The first can focus on the financial aspects, while the second can delve into the shortage of labor resources. This would allow for a more organized and reader-friendly structure.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (e.g., "Moreover," "Furthermore," "In conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the varied use of cohesive devices, particularly within paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices within paragraphs, such as pronouns, parallel structures, and synonyms. This will contribute to a smoother flow and better connect ideas within and between sentences.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a generally coherent and cohesive structure, addressing these specific points will further strengthen the organization and flow of ideas, potentially pushing the coherence and cohesion score to a higher band.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "controversy," "diversified," "profound," and "interconnection." These choices contribute to the essay’s depth and complexity. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying word choices further, especially in expressing ideas using synonyms or alternative phrasing.
    • How to improve: Consider exploring synonyms or alternative expressions for commonly used words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "government," try incorporating phrases like "public authorities" or "state institutions" to enhance variety.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The vocabulary is generally precise, with instances like "old-aging issue" effectively conveying the topic. However, there are areas where more precise vocabulary could enhance clarity. For instance, the phrase "stressful burden for the government" might benefit from more specific language, such as "financial strain" or "administrative challenge."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the specificity of your word choices. Consider using more precise terms that accurately capture the intended meaning, thereby enhancing the clarity and depth of your expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of spelling accuracy, with no prominent errors detected. However, it’s essential to remain vigilant and ensure consistent attention to detail.
    • How to improve: Continue practicing careful proofreading to maintain a high standard of spelling accuracy. Consider employing tools like spell-checkers or seeking feedback from peers to catch any potential oversights.

Overall, the essay’s lexical resource is strong, showcasing a diverse vocabulary and generally precise language. To elevate the lexical score, focus on further diversifying word choices, refining precision in expression, and maintaining a consistent standard of spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of sentence structures, incorporating both simple and complex constructions. There is a mix of sentence lengths, but a more diverse range of structures, such as compound and complex sentences, can enhance the overall fluency and sophistication of the essay.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more complex sentence forms. Introduce subordination and coordination to create a varied rhythm in your writing. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, experiment with complex sentences to convey ideas more elaborately.
  • Use Grammar Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy. Most sentences are grammatically sound, contributing to clear communication. However, there are instances where minor errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues, can be found. Attention to these details will elevate the overall grammatical quality.
    • How to improve: While maintaining a good standard of grammar, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and article usage. Proofread your essay carefully, focusing on these specific aspects to ensure a flawless presentation.
  • Use Correct Punctuation:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses punctuation correctly, including commas, periods, and apostrophes. However, there are a few instances where punctuation errors occur, such as missing or misplaced commas. These instances do not severely hinder comprehension but addressing them would enhance the essay’s overall polish.
    • How to improve: Brush up on comma rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences. Practice using commas to separate independent clauses, items in a series, and introductory phrases. This will refine your punctuation skills and contribute to a more polished writing style.

Overall, the essay exhibits strong grammatical proficiency, and with focused attention on diversifying sentence structures and addressing minor punctuation issues, further improvement is within reach.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present-day advancement of society, the issue of life expectancy has become a significant concern in most nations. There is considerable controversy surrounding whether the increase in life expectancy brings more benefits or drawbacks. From my viewpoint, the positive aspects of this phenomenon outweigh its negative implications.

Some individuals might perceive the rise in life expectancy as a taxing responsibility for governing bodies. The reality is that authorities must focus on ensuring a comfortable life for the elderly. To achieve this, financial support from the government or a stable community fund is essential over the long term. For instance, recent years have seen investments in homes catering to older individuals as a step taken to provide suitable accommodation. Additionally, ongoing expenditures on services like free healthcare, public recreational spaces, and entertainment facilities for retirees demand special attention from the government. Another drawback of an aging population is the shortage of available labor resources, which poses a significant challenge, especially considering the importance of young labor to a country’s economic growth.

However, the advantages stemming from increased life expectancy hold immense significance for society. One benefit is that older individuals can impart their valuable experiences and wisdom to younger generations, helping them avoid critical errors. This contribution is particularly crucial in professions requiring a high level of expertise and profound experiences. Moreover, with the amalgamation of practical knowledge from experienced individuals, young talents can innovate techniques, achieve new breakthroughs, and engage in creative endeavors. Another advantage is the pivotal role played by older individuals as the foundation of a family, fostering care, healing, and unconditional love among its members. In this nurturing environment, parents offer unwavering support, grandparents extend affection, and siblings share and support each other during difficult times, creating a close-knit bond that is irreplaceable.

In conclusion, it is evident that the increase in life expectancy brings more advantages than disadvantages. Through adequate attention from the government and communal care, I firmly believe that we can effectively address these challenges and collectively create a better world for everyone to thrive in.

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