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In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

It is widely recognized that rural residents are migrating to cities, causing a decrease in the countryside population. I firmly believe that it is a disadvantageous change to the development of countries because of reasons which I will explore in this essay.
On the one hand, the significant increase in urban population leads to various global issues. By the more residents, the more transport will be used, resulting in the rise of carbon and different poisonous gasses. This substances is the main cause of global warming and severe disasters in the future such as tsunamis or earthquakes. In addition, the rise in transport is also the key reason for congestion, leading to a stagnant pace of country development.
On the other hand, If too many rural dwellers move to metropolises, the distribution of population in the country will be affected, leading to a decline in some important sectors in the country like agriculture and garment. By the leaving of farmers, agricultural exports will fall, making an impact on the economy of the country. Moreover, traditional values will be lost following time. For instance, In Vietnam, traditional subjects like Ca Tru, and Cheo singing experience a falling and gradual loss because nowadays, a few artists are choosing to live in the countryside to maintain these traditional heritages. In conclusion, More and more people opt to leave the countryside to live in big cities with a desire to earn more money. However, this impacts various aspects from the environment to traditional values.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "It is widely recognized that rural residents are migrating to cities, causing a decrease in the countryside population." -> "It is widely acknowledged that rural residents are migrating to cities, resulting in a decline in the rural population."
    Explanation: Replacing "recognized" with "acknowledged" adds a touch of formality, and replacing "countryside" with "rural" maintains a consistent and more precise terminology.

  2. "I firmly believe that it is a disadvantageous change to the development of countries because of reasons which I will explore in this essay." -> "I firmly believe that this trend is detrimental to the overall development of countries, a perspective I will delve into in this essay."
    Explanation: The term "disadvantageous change" is replaced with "detrimental to the overall development," and the sentence is rephrased for clarity and conciseness.

  3. "By the more residents, the more transport will be used, resulting in the rise of carbon and different poisonous gasses." -> "With an increase in residents, there will be a corresponding rise in transportation, leading to increased carbon emissions and the release of various harmful gases."
    Explanation: The original sentence lacked clarity. The revision introduces a clearer cause-and-effect relationship and uses more precise language such as "corresponding rise" and "carbon emissions."

  4. "This substances is the main cause of global warming and severe disasters in the future such as tsunamis or earthquakes." -> "These substances are the primary contributors to global warming and potential future disasters, such as tsunamis or earthquakes."
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement by changing "This substances" to "These substances," and refining the sentence structure for better clarity and formality.

  5. "On the other hand, If too many rural dwellers move to metropolises, the distribution of population in the country will be affected, leading to a decline in some important sectors in the country like agriculture and garment." -> "Conversely, if an excessive number of rural dwellers migrate to metropolises, it will impact the distribution of the population, resulting in a decline in crucial sectors such as agriculture and textiles."
    Explanation: Improving sentence structure, replacing "On the other hand" with "Conversely," and using more specific terms like "textiles" instead of the general term "garment" for a more precise description.

  6. "By the leaving of farmers, agricultural exports will fall, making an impact on the economy of the country." -> "The departure of farmers will lead to a decline in agricultural exports, thereby impacting the country’s economy."
    Explanation: Simplifying and clarifying the sentence structure while maintaining formality.

  7. "Moreover, traditional values will be lost following time." -> "Furthermore, traditional values will erode over time."
    Explanation: Replacing "following time" with "over time" for a more concise and formal expression.

  8. "For instance, In Vietnam, traditional subjects like Ca Tru, and Cheo singing experience a falling and gradual loss because nowadays, a few artists are choosing to live in the countryside to maintain these traditional heritages." -> "For instance, in Vietnam, traditional art forms such as Ca Tru and Cheo singing are experiencing a gradual decline. This is partly attributed to a diminishing number of artists choosing to reside in the countryside to preserve these cultural heritages."
    Explanation: Correcting capitalization, improving sentence structure, and providing a more nuanced explanation for the decline of traditional art forms.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all aspects of the prompt by discussing both positive and negative aspects of the rural-to-urban migration. It recognizes the decrease in countryside population and asserts a clear position on its perceived disadvantages. Relevant examples, such as the impact on the environment and traditional values, are provided to support the arguments.

    • How to improve: While the essay effectively addresses the question, adding more depth to the discussion could enhance the analysis. For instance, providing specific statistics or concrete examples related to the impact on global warming or the economic consequences would strengthen the argumentation.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance by firmly asserting that the migration from rural to urban areas is a disadvantageous change. This position is evident throughout the essay, and the writer effectively communicates their perspective.

    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider incorporating a clear thesis statement in the introduction that explicitly states whether the overall impact is positive or negative. This can guide the reader and enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas clearly and develops them to some extent. For instance, it discusses the environmental impact and the consequences for sectors like agriculture. However, some ideas could be extended with more in-depth analysis or additional examples.

    • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, provide more elaboration on each point. For example, delve deeper into the specific consequences of agricultural exports falling or elaborate on how the loss of traditional values may affect society in more detail.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the rural-to-urban migration and its consequences. However, there are moments where the connection between ideas could be smoother, and certain points may require further clarification.

    • How to improve: Ensure a seamless flow between ideas by using transitional phrases. Additionally, consider providing a bit more context or explanation for statements, such as the link between urbanization and global issues like tsunamis or earthquakes.

In conclusion, this essay effectively addresses the prompt, presenting a clear position with supporting ideas. To improve, the writer should focus on adding depth to the analysis, enhancing the clarity of the thesis statement, providing more detailed examples, and ensuring a smoother flow between ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay begins with a clear introduction that presents the topic and the author’s stance. However, the body paragraphs lack a clear progression of ideas. The first paragraph discusses the environmental impact of rural-to-urban migration, while the second paragraph shifts to the economic consequences. This abrupt transition affects the overall logical flow.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider a more structured approach. Group related ideas together, such as environmental consequences in one paragraph and economic consequences in another. This will improve coherence and make the essay more reader-friendly.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into two paragraphs, but each paragraph contains multiple ideas without clear separation. This affects readability and makes it challenging for the reader to follow distinct points. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion are concise but lack depth.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Start with a clear topic sentence, provide supporting details, and conclude the paragraph with a transition to the next point. Strengthen the introduction and conclusion by summarizing key arguments and reinforcing the thesis.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitions ("On the one hand," "On the other hand"). However, there is a limited variety, and the connections between sentences and ideas could be more explicit. This affects the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices. Include a mix of conjunctions, pronouns, and transitional phrases to establish clear relationships between sentences and ideas. Ensure that the reader can easily follow the progression of arguments. Examples include "furthermore," "consequently," or "in addition."

By addressing these coherence and cohesion concerns, the essay can achieve a more seamless and organized structure, ultimately enhancing its overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate diverse terms, but the usage lacks consistency and at times seems forced. For example, the phrase "By the more residents" could be improved for clarity. Additionally, the repetition of certain terms, such as "countryside," could be diversified for better lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, strive for more varied and natural expressions. Instead of overusing certain words, experiment with synonyms and explore nuanced language. Additionally, pay attention to word choice for clarity and precision.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision in vocabulary usage is somewhat limited. For instance, the phrase "substances is the main cause" could be refined to specify the exact substances causing environmental issues. On the positive side, the essay attempts to address a variety of topics, but the precision of language could be improved for a more impactful presentation.
    • How to improve: Aim for greater precision by specifying the substances causing environmental problems and using terms that accurately convey your intended meaning. Consider the nuances of words and choose them carefully to enhance the clarity and effectiveness of your arguments.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of spelling accuracy, with no major misspellings observed. However, there are minor errors such as "metropolises," which should be "metropolises," and "this substances," where "substances" should be "substance."
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, proofread your work carefully, paying attention to common trouble spots. Utilize tools like spell checkers and dictionaries to verify the correct spelling of words. Developing a habit of reviewing your writing for spelling errors will contribute to overall accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences predominate, with occasional complex structures. For example, the opening sentence is a complex structure, providing a solid start. However, there is a tendency to use repetitive structures throughout the essay, such as starting several sentences with "On the one hand" or "Moreover." This repetition limits the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range, consider incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures. Experiment with complex sentences, compound-complex sentences, and varied sentence beginnings. For instance, instead of relying on transitional phrases to begin sentences, try incorporating introductory clauses or participial phrases.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates proficiency in basic grammar and punctuation. However, there are notable instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that affect the overall coherence. For example, in the sentence "By the more residents, the more transport will be used," the use of "By the more residents" is grammatically incorrect. Additionally, there are issues with subject-verb agreement and word choice, such as the phrase "this substances" instead of "these substances."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review sentence structures for clarity and correctness. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement and ensure consistent use of singular and plural forms. Proofread the essay for grammatical errors, focusing on articles, prepositions, and verb tenses. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-check tools to identify and correct specific issues. Additionally, work on expanding vocabulary to improve word choice and overall fluency.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in sentence structure variety and the elimination of grammatical errors. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely recognized that rural residents are migrating to cities, causing a decrease in the countryside population. I firmly believe that this is a disadvantageous change for the development of countries, a perspective I will explore in this essay.

On one hand, the significant increase in urban population leads to various global issues. With more residents, there will be a corresponding rise in transportation, resulting in the increase of carbon and different harmful gases. These substances are the main contributors to global warming and potential future disasters, such as tsunamis or earthquakes. In addition, the rise in transport is also a key factor causing congestion, leading to a stagnant pace of country development.

On the other hand, if too many rural dwellers move to metropolises, the distribution of the population in the country will be affected, resulting in a decline in important sectors such as agriculture and textiles. The departure of farmers will lead to a decline in agricultural exports, making an impact on the country’s economy. Moreover, traditional values will erode over time. For instance, in Vietnam, traditional art forms like Ca Tru and Cheo singing experience a gradual decline because few artists choose to reside in the countryside to preserve these cultural heritages.

In conclusion, more and more people opt to leave the countryside to live in big cities with a desire to earn more money. However, this impacts various aspects from the environment to traditional values.

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