In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government has the responsibility to solve this problem.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

These days, teenagers from many nations are suffering from overweight and other health problems. Some individuals give their opinions that the government should also take responsibility in this situation. In my point of view, children’s health should be taken care of by both authorities and their parents.

On the one hand, first of all, I believe that not only parents but the government also have a huge responsibility for children’s health. Since children are young, they are not fully aware of how obesity can adversely impact their health. The government should spearhead organizing some public campaigns to raise children’s awareness of the importance of healthy diets and the consequences of fast food to their health. Moreover, because of increasing numbers of advertisements promoting fast food and these adverts tend to aim at young children like KFC, Mc Donald, authorities have to prevent and control advertising aimed at young consumers. 

On the other hand, children’s parents and teachers also need to take responsibility to educate and teach them to take care of their health. The main reasons lead to being overweight and other health issues is because of fast food and sweets. Children’s parents had better care for and control them to stop eating fast food and prevent consuming things which cause their health. Furthermore, giving children some advice to help them change to a healthier and more balanced diet, and do more exercises is also a very effective solution. 

In conclusion, to help children adopt a healthier lifestyle and reduce the number of children who are suffering from obesity, the government and parents should together solve this issue.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "These days" -> "Currently"
   Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "These days."

2. "suffering from overweight" -> "suffering from obesity"
   Explanation: "Obesity" is the correct term for the condition, whereas "overweight" refers to a general excess of weight, not necessarily a medical condition.

3. "Some individuals give their opinions that" -> "Some individuals argue that"
   Explanation: "Argue" is more specific and academically appropriate than "give their opinions," which is vague and informal.

4. "In my point of view" -> "In my view"
   Explanation: "In my view" is a more concise and formal expression than "In my point of view."

5. "not only parents but the government also have" -> "not only parents but also the government"
   Explanation: Removing "have" corrects the grammatical structure and maintains the formal tone.

6. "spearhead organizing" -> "initiate organizing"
   Explanation: "Initiate" is more precise and formal than "spearhead," which is typically used in military contexts.

7. "tend to aim at young children like KFC, Mc Donald" -> "target young children, such as KFC and McDonald’s"
   Explanation: "Target" is more specific and appropriate in this context than "tend to aim at," and "McDonald’s" should be capitalized as a proper noun.

8. "have to prevent and control" -> "must prevent and regulate"
   Explanation: "Must" and "regulate" are more formal and precise than "have to" and "control," respectively.

9. "children’s parents" -> "parents"
   Explanation: "Parents" is sufficient and more direct without the redundant "children’s."

10. "had better care for and control them" -> "should care for and monitor their consumption"
    Explanation: "Should" is more formal than "had better," and "monitor their consumption" is more specific and appropriate than "control them."

11. "prevent consuming things which cause their health" -> "discourage consumption of items detrimental to their health"
    Explanation: "Discourage consumption of items detrimental to their health" is more precise and formal than the vague and informal "prevent consuming things which cause their health."

12. "giving children some advice to help them change to a healthier and more balanced diet" -> "providing children with guidance to transition to a healthier and more balanced diet"
    Explanation: "Providing children with guidance" is more formal and specific than "giving children some advice," and "transition to" is more precise than "change to."

13. "do more exercises" -> "engage in more physical activity"
    Explanation: "Engage in more physical activity" is a more formal and comprehensive term than "do more exercises."

14. "together solve this issue" -> "collaborate to address this issue"
    Explanation: "Collaborate to address" is more formal and specific than "together solve," which is somewhat informal and vague.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the government’s and parents’ responsibilities in combating childhood obesity. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position, indicating a balanced view that both parties should be involved. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. For instance, while the writer mentions both parties, the essay does not clearly delineate whether they believe one party has more responsibility than the other.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position regarding the extent of government responsibility compared to parental responsibility. This could be achieved by adding a sentence in the introduction that clarifies whether they lean more towards government intervention or parental guidance.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position that both the government and parents share responsibility. However, the position could be more strongly articulated, especially in the conclusion. The phrase "should together solve this issue" is somewhat vague and does not reinforce the writer’s stance effectively.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should consistently reinforce their position throughout the essay. They could use more definitive language to express their agreement or disagreement with the idea that the government has a primary role. Additionally, reiterating their stance in the conclusion with a stronger statement would help solidify their position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas regarding the roles of both the government and parents in addressing childhood obesity. The points about public campaigns and advertising restrictions are well-supported with examples. However, the discussion on parental responsibility could be expanded with more specific examples or strategies that parents can employ to promote healthier lifestyles.
  • How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed examples or statistics that illustrate the effectiveness of government initiatives or parental guidance. For instance, citing successful public health campaigns or specific dietary changes that have shown positive results could strengthen the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of childhood obesity and the responsibilities of the government and parents. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of teachers, while relevant, diverts slightly from the main focus on government and parental roles.
  • How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the responsibilities of the government and parents. If mentioning teachers, it would be beneficial to clarify their role in conjunction with parental responsibilities rather than introducing a new party that could dilute the main argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents a balanced view, but it could be improved by clarifying the extent of agreement with the prompt, reinforcing the position consistently, elaborating on points with specific examples, and maintaining a tighter focus on the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that acknowledges both the government’s and parents’ responsibilities in addressing children’s health issues. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to present contrasting viewpoints. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between discussing government responsibilities and parental responsibilities could be smoother. The phrase "On the one hand" effectively introduces the first argument, but the subsequent paragraph could benefit from a clearer transition to indicate that a different perspective is being introduced.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly indicate shifts in focus, such as "Conversely" or "In addition to this." Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main point will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which aids readability. However, the second body paragraph could be more effectively structured. The ideas within it are somewhat jumbled, making it harder to follow the argument regarding parental responsibility.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. For example, the second body paragraph could begin with a sentence like, "Parents play a crucial role in managing their children’s health." Following this, ensure that supporting details are logically ordered and clearly linked to the topic sentence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "moreover," and "furthermore," which help to connect ideas within paragraphs. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the use of conjunctions and linking phrases could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "the main reasons lead to being overweight" could be more effectively connected to the previous sentence with a cohesive device that indicates causation or consequence.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "consequently," "for instance," "in contrast," and "as a result." Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help to create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument, focusing on improving logical transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "overweight," "health problems," "public campaigns," and "advertising." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "children’s health" and "fast food." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the richness of the language.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical variety, consider using synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "fast food," you could incorporate phrases like "unhealthy food options" or "processed foods." Additionally, using more specific terms related to health, such as "obesity epidemic" or "nutritional education," would elevate the vocabulary level.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "the government should also take responsibility in this situation" could be more clearly articulated as "the government should take proactive measures to address this issue." Additionally, the phrase "the main reasons lead to being overweight" is awkward and could be more effectively expressed as "the primary causes of obesity."
  • How to improve: Focus on refining word choice to enhance clarity. When discussing responsibilities, use specific verbs like "implement," "enforce," or "promote" to convey precise actions. Instead of "give children some advice," consider "provide children with guidance" for a more formal tone.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are a few errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "Mc Donald" should be spelled as "McDonald’s," and "had better care for" is awkward and could be misinterpreted.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is advisable to proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers can help catch minor errors. Additionally, practicing spelling common vocabulary related to health and nutrition can improve overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling, the essay can be elevated to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "not only… but also" and "first of all" showcases an attempt to employ more sophisticated structures. However, some sentences are somewhat repetitive in structure, such as "The main reasons lead to being overweight and other health issues is because of fast food and sweets," which could be rephrased for clarity and variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses effectively. For example, instead of saying "the government should spearhead organizing some public campaigns," the writer could say, "the government should take the initiative to organize public campaigns that raise awareness among children about the importance of healthy diets." Additionally, varying the sentence openings and using a mix of declarative, interrogative, and conditional sentences would contribute to a more engaging essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar and punctuation, but there are some notable errors. For instance, the phrase "the government should also take responsibility in this situation" could be more accurately expressed as "the government should also take responsibility for this situation." Additionally, the sentence "the main reasons lead to being overweight and other health issues is because of fast food and sweets" contains a grammatical error; it should be restructured for clarity, such as "the main reasons for children becoming overweight and facing other health issues are the consumption of fast food and sweets." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, particularly in longer sentences.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, would be beneficial. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors and ensuring that complex sentences are punctuated correctly will help enhance clarity. Engaging with grammar resources or seeking feedback from peers could also provide valuable insights into areas for improvement.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, teenagers from many nations are currently suffering from obesity and other health problems. Some individuals argue that the government should also take responsibility in this situation. In my view, children’s health should be cared for by both authorities and their parents.

On the one hand, I believe that not only parents but also the government have a significant responsibility for children’s health. Since children are young, they are not fully aware of how obesity can adversely impact their well-being. The government should initiate organizing public campaigns to raise children’s awareness of the importance of healthy diets and the consequences of fast food on their health. Moreover, due to the increasing number of advertisements promoting fast food, which tend to target young children, such as KFC and McDonald’s, authorities must prevent and regulate advertising aimed at young consumers.

On the other hand, children’s parents and teachers also need to take responsibility to educate and guide them in caring for their health. The main reasons leading to being overweight and other health issues are the consumption of fast food and sweets. Parents should care for and monitor their children’s consumption to discourage the intake of items detrimental to their health. Furthermore, providing children with guidance to transition to a healthier and more balanced diet, as well as encouraging them to engage in more physical activity, is also a very effective solution.

In conclusion, to help children adopt a healthier lifestyle and reduce the number of those suffering from obesity, the government and parents must collaborate to address this issue.