In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people consider it valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this?

In the modern day and age, paid labour has been a prevalent phenomenon. It is claimed that in some places, children are encouraged to take part in some types of paid employment. While some people accept that idea, the others are opposite. From my perspective, I agree with the first point. This essay with discuss the benefits of this issue.

To begin with, participating in some paid work affect the quality of learning, and the ability to concentrate on their tasks. Children do not have enough passion to their lessons because they are likely to spend all time for doing some kind of paid work. Hence, this can lead to bad academic performances, and lacking essential certifications. Futhermore, overwork can lead to health complications. It is extremely harmful for children to deal with bad feelings like depression, stressful due to having to balance between study and work at young age. As a result, it can lead to thoughtless like suicide.

In addition, some children get a part-time job might impact on children’ development. Children can be shaped in some wrong ways to grow up, and it is easy for them to have bad routine. To specific, bad habits would take a long time to remove; however, it is quick to form. Most children also are interested in exciting feeling which it brings. For example, most children easily learn bad character from people around them in society, so if they do not have enough education from teachers, going the wrong way is inevitable.

In conclusion, I support the idea that children shoud not be encouraged to take part in salaried employment because of the variety reasons. This can impact on study, health, personalities of children.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In the modern day and age" -> "In contemporary times"
Explanation: "In contemporary times" is a more formal and concise alternative that avoids the colloquial tone of "modern day and age."
"paid labour" -> "paid employment"
Explanation: "Paid employment" is a more precise and formal term than "paid labour," which is somewhat vague and less commonly used in academic contexts.
"the others are opposite" -> "others disagree"
Explanation: "Others disagree" is a more direct and academically appropriate way to express opposition, avoiding the informal and vague "the others are opposite."
"This essay with discuss" -> "This essay will discuss"
Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error from "with" to "will" ensures proper verb tense consistency and clarity.
"participating in some paid work affect" -> "participating in some paid work affects"
Explanation: Correcting the verb form from "affect" to "affects" aligns with subject-verb agreement.
"Children do not have enough passion to their lessons" -> "Children lack enthusiasm for their studies"
Explanation: "Lack enthusiasm for their studies" is more precise and formal than "do not have enough passion to their lessons," which is awkwardly phrased.
"spend all time for doing some kind of paid work" -> "devote all their time to various forms of paid work"
Explanation: "Devote all their time to various forms of paid work" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward and informal "spend all time for doing some kind of paid work."
"Futhermore" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "Futhermore" to "Furthermore" maintains professionalism and accuracy.
"thoughtless like suicide" -> "thoughts of suicide"
Explanation: "Thoughts of suicide" is a more appropriate and sensitive way to express the concern, avoiding the colloquial and potentially offensive "thoughtless like suicide."
"some children get a part-time job might impact on children’ development" -> "some children taking part-time jobs may impact their development"
Explanation: "Taking part-time jobs may impact their development" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving clarity and precision.
"Children can be shaped in some wrong ways to grow up" -> "Children may develop in undesirable ways"
Explanation: "May develop in undesirable ways" is more formal and avoids the vague and informal "be shaped in some wrong ways."
"it is easy for them to have bad routine" -> "it is easy for them to develop bad habits"
Explanation: "Develop bad habits" is a more precise and formal term than "have bad routine," which is unclear and informal.
"To specific" -> "Specifically"
Explanation: "Specifically" is the correct adverbial form needed here, replacing the incorrect "To specific."
"bad habits would take a long time to remove" -> "bad habits are difficult to eliminate"
Explanation: "Are difficult to eliminate" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to express the persistence of bad habits.
"going the wrong way is inevitable" -> "going down the wrong path is inevitable"
Explanation: "Going down the wrong path" is a more specific and formal expression than "going the wrong way," enhancing the academic tone.
"children shoud not be encouraged" -> "children should not be encouraged"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "shoud" to "should" maintains professionalism and accuracy.
"because of the variety reasons" -> "due to various reasons"
Explanation: "Due to various reasons" is more formal and precise than "because of the variety reasons," which is grammatically incorrect and vague.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by stating a clear position that children should not be encouraged to engage in paid work. However, it fails to fully explore the opposing viewpoint regarding the potential benefits of such work experience. The introduction mentions that some people consider paid work valuable, but this perspective is not adequately discussed or countered throughout the essay. The arguments presented mainly focus on the negative aspects without acknowledging any potential positive outcomes.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should include a balanced discussion that acknowledges both sides of the argument. For instance, the writer could briefly mention the benefits of paid work, such as responsibility and work ethic, before stating their disagreement and elaborating on the drawbacks. This would provide a more comprehensive response to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear position in the introduction and conclusion, asserting that children should not engage in paid work. However, the clarity of this position is undermined by the lack of consistent support for it throughout the body paragraphs. The arguments presented are somewhat scattered and do not cohesively reinforce the central stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly supports their viewpoint. This can be achieved by using topic sentences that explicitly relate back to the thesis and by ensuring that each argument is clearly linked to the main position. Additionally, the writer could use transitional phrases to guide the reader through their reasoning.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the negative impacts of paid work on children, such as poor academic performance and health issues. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with specific examples or evidence. For instance, the claim about health complications lacks concrete details or statistics that would strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should elaborate on each point with specific examples, anecdotes, or data. For instance, they could discuss a study that links part-time work to academic decline or provide a personal anecdote about a child affected by work-related stress. This would make the arguments more persuasive and engaging.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the focus shifts to the formation of bad habits without clearly linking it back to the context of paid work. While the discussion of negative influences is relevant, it is not sufficiently tied to the argument against children engaging in paid employment.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should consistently relate all points back to the central argument. Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that indicates how the content relates to the thesis. Additionally, the writer should avoid introducing unrelated ideas that do not contribute to the overall argument.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay could achieve a higher band score in the Task Response criteria.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the issue, but the organization of ideas lacks clarity and logical progression. The introduction outlines the author’s agreement with the idea of children engaging in paid work, but the subsequent paragraphs present arguments against this stance, leading to confusion. For example, the first body paragraph discusses the negative impact of paid work on academic performance and health, while the second paragraph shifts focus to the potential negative influence on character development without a clear transition or connection to the previous argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly supports the thesis statement. A clear outline before writing can help in organizing thoughts. Additionally, using topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph can clarify the main point being discussed and how it relates to the overall argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure is not fully effective. The introduction and conclusion are present, but the body paragraphs lack a clear and consistent structure. For instance, the first body paragraph combines multiple ideas without separating them into distinct points, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, supported by examples or explanations. The author could benefit from starting each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main argument, followed by supporting details. This would help in creating a more coherent structure and improving readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "To begin with" and "In addition," but the overall use is limited and at times awkward. For example, phrases like "the others are opposite" are vague and do not effectively connect ideas. Additionally, there are instances of repetition and unclear references, such as "this issue" in the introduction, which does not specify what issue is being discussed.
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the author should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases (e.g., "however," "furthermore," "on the other hand") to clarify relationships between ideas. It is also important to ensure that pronouns and references are clear and specific, helping the reader to easily follow the argument without confusion.

By addressing these areas of improvement, the author can enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use more sophisticated terms such as "prevalent phenomenon" and "health complications." However, the vocabulary is often repetitive, particularly with phrases like "paid work" and "children." The use of synonyms or varied expressions could enhance the overall lexical range. For instance, "paid employment" could be alternated with "salaried work" or "compensated labor."
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should actively incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. Keeping a thesaurus handy while drafting could help in finding alternative expressions. Additionally, practicing with vocabulary exercises focused on synonyms and antonyms would be beneficial.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that hinder clarity. For example, the phrase "bad academic performances" could be more accurately expressed as "poor academic performance." Additionally, the phrase "thoughtless like suicide" is vague and could be better articulated as "desperate thoughts that may lead to suicide." The use of "the others are opposite" is also unclear and could be rephrased for precision.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. Reading more academic essays or articles can help in understanding how to use words in context. Furthermore, revising sentences to ensure clarity and specificity before finalizing the essay would be advantageous.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Futhermore" (should be "Furthermore"), "shoud" (should be "should"), and "to specific" (should be "to be specific"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy that includes reading the essay aloud and using spell-check tools. Additionally, maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly could help in minimizing such errors in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary, there are significant areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future IELTS assessments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex sentences. For example, phrases like "To begin with" and "In addition" are used to transition between points, but the overall sentence variety is lacking. Additionally, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "the others are opposite," which could be more clearly expressed as "others disagree." The essay also relies heavily on similar sentence beginnings, which reduces the overall dynamism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance sentence variety, the writer should practice incorporating more complex sentences, such as those that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "Children do not have enough passion to their lessons," a more complex structure could be, "Because children often lack passion for their lessons, they may struggle to engage fully with their studies." Additionally, varying sentence lengths and structures will create a more engaging flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "affect the quality of learning" should be "affects the quality of learning" to ensure subject-verb agreement. The phrase "the others are opposite" is vague and grammatically incorrect; it should be rephrased for clarity. There are also punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. For instance, "Futhermore, overwork can lead to health complications" should be followed by a comma before "and it is extremely harmful."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and practice identifying and correcting common errors in their writing. Additionally, focusing on punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Reading essays aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and grammatical mistakes.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, it requires significant improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy to achieve a higher band score. Regular practice with varied sentence structures and a focus on grammatical rules will lead to more effective writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary times, paid employment has become a prevalent phenomenon. It is claimed that in some places, children are encouraged to engage in various forms of paid work. While some people consider this idea beneficial, others disagree. From my perspective, I agree with the first viewpoint. This essay will discuss the drawbacks of this issue.

To begin with, participating in some paid work affects the quality of learning and the ability to concentrate on their studies. Children often lack enthusiasm for their lessons because they tend to devote all their time to various forms of paid work. Consequently, this can lead to poor academic performance and a lack of essential qualifications. Furthermore, overworking can result in health complications. It is extremely harmful for children to deal with negative emotions such as depression and stress due to the pressure of balancing study and work at a young age. As a result, thoughts of suicide may arise.

In addition, some children taking part-time jobs may impact their development. Children can be shaped in undesirable ways as they grow up, and it is easy for them to develop bad habits. Specifically, bad habits are difficult to eliminate; however, they can be formed quickly. Most children are also drawn to the excitement that such jobs bring. For example, children can easily adopt negative behaviors from those around them in society, so if they do not receive adequate education from teachers, going down the wrong path is inevitable.

In conclusion, I support the idea that children should not be encouraged to take part in paid employment due to various reasons. This can negatively impact their studies, health, and personal development.