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in many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crime. however some people argue that better education would be a more effective solution. do you agree or disagree?

in many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crime. however some people argue that better education would be a more effective solution. do you agree or disagree?

Incarceration which is argued to be the most popular solution to crime is a topic of debate with the other result such as special education for those criminals. contrary to this belief, i partly disagree with this statement, believing that this situation may have two side of issue. in this essay, i will outline about not only the benefits but also the potential of drawbacks in this background.
On the one hand, punishing these crimes educationally is prone to some advantages in terms of both criminals and society. Because of mild punishment including community service, house arrest and so forth , moreover, some crimes such as pickpocketing or shoplifter can have a chance to change their mindset and behavior. Therefore, social awareness and interllect can be heighten after all , specially for juvenile offenders, who are not mature enough to be in a jail. As a result, this educational process might leads to a successful public propagation programs. for example, some minor crimes in europe such as burglary, shoplifter,… are capable of taking mission about community service to be conscious with the future of society.
on the other hand, educational programs are not truly a significant impact on terrible crimes including murder or child abuse which is able to pose a serious threat to human peaceful lives. if these haunting criminals still show a violent action and behavior after being training from community, they will have a reoffened trend to do illegal stuffs day by day. in addition, people around them might mimie their violent behavior in a long period, thereby the increasing figures of criminals. for instance, murder is intentional have to take a capital punishment of life in imprisonment for the rest of their life. this cases are very general in asean countries including china, vietnam and so on . in other words, there will be inequitable for these victims harmed brutally by those haunting crimes leading to psychological obsession for the entire of victim's life.
in conclusion, instead of being in a jail, some community services and suitable education can replace the older for social's benefits. however i partly believe that this solution may have some drawbacks outweigh benefits of this issue. government should give different punishments to different crimes in order to be fair and reasonable


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Incarceration which is argued to be the most popular solution to crime is a topic of debate with the other result such as special education for those criminals." -> "The use of incarceration, often considered the predominant solution to crime, is a subject of debate, with alternative approaches such as specialized education for offenders."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence provides a clearer expression of the idea and eliminates wordiness. Also, the term "special education" is replaced with "specialized education" for more formality.

  2. "contrary to this belief, i partly disagree with this statement, believing that this situation may have two side of issue." -> "Contrary to this belief, I partially disagree with the notion, contending that the situation involves multiple facets."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs a more formal tone, replacing "i partly disagree" with "I partially disagree" and improving the clarity of the expression.

  3. "in this essay, i will outline about not only the benefits but also the potential of drawbacks in this background." -> "In this essay, I will not only outline the benefits but also explore the potential drawbacks in this context."
    Explanation: The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing by eliminating unnecessary words and improving the structure.

  4. "Because of mild punishment including community service, house arrest and so forth , moreover, some crimes such as pickpocketing or shoplifter can have a chance to change their mindset and behavior." -> "Due to lenient penalties such as community service and house arrest, certain offenses like pickpocketing or shoplifting offer an opportunity for offenders to reform their mindset and behavior."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance clarity by removing redundancy, replacing the informal "so forth" with "such as," and improving the overall flow of the sentence.

  5. "interllect" -> "intellect"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling error to maintain the formal tone and accuracy of the word.

  6. "specially for juvenile offenders, who are not mature enough to be in a jail." -> "Especially for juvenile offenders, who are not sufficiently mature to be incarcerated."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more precise language, replacing "in a jail" with "incarcerated" for formal expression.

  7. "might leads" -> "might lead"
    Explanation: Correcting the verb form to maintain grammatical accuracy.

  8. "some minor crimes in europe such as burglary, shoplifter,… are capable of taking mission about community service to be conscious with the future of society." -> "Certain minor crimes in Europe, such as burglary and shoplifting, may entail community service as a means of fostering societal awareness."
    Explanation: The suggested changes address grammar issues and provide a more precise expression of the idea.

  9. "educational programs are not truly a significant impact on terrible crimes including murder or child abuse which is able to pose a serious threat to human peaceful lives." -> "Educational programs do not exert a truly significant impact on heinous crimes such as murder or child abuse, which have the potential to pose a serious threat to the peaceful lives of individuals."
    Explanation: The revision enhances formality and clarity, avoiding the use of colloquial language and providing a more precise description of the crimes.

  10. "if these haunting criminals still show a violent action and behavior after being training from community," -> "If these hardened criminals continue to exhibit violent actions and behavior despite undergoing community-based training,"
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve the clarity and formality of the sentence by addressing grammatical issues and choosing more precise vocabulary.

  11. "they will have a reoffened trend to do illegal stuffs day by day." -> "they may exhibit a trend of reoffending and engaging in illegal activities persistently."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and eliminates colloquial expressions for clarity and academic appropriateness.

  12. "murder is intentional have to take a capital punishment of life in imprisonment for the rest of their life." -> "Individuals convicted of intentional murder must face the capital punishment of life imprisonment."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance the formality and precision of the sentence by eliminating redundancy and improving the structure.

  13. "this cases are very general in asean countries including china, vietnam and so on ." -> "Such cases are prevalent in ASEAN countries, including China, Vietnam, and others."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity and formal expression by correcting grammar and eliminating unnecessary words.

  14. "there will be inequitable for these victims harmed brutally by those haunting crimes leading to psychological obsession for the entire of victim’s life." -> "This would result in inequity for the victims brutally harmed by such heinous crimes, leading to psychological trauma throughout the victims’ lives."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality, clarity, and precision, addressing grammatical issues and improving the overall flow of the sentence.

  15. "instead of being in a jail," -> "instead of being incarcerated,"
    Explanation: The suggested change uses a more formal term ("incarcerated") to maintain academic style and precision.

  16. "some community services and suitable education can replace the older for social’s benefits." -> "Certain community services and appropriate education can serve as alternatives for the betterment of society."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity, eliminates redundancy, and provides a more formal expression of the idea.

  17. "however i partly believe" -> "However, I partly believe"
    Explanation: Correcting the capitalization and adding a comma for grammatical accuracy and formality.

  18. "government should give different punishments to different crimes in order to be fair and reasonable" -> "Governments should administer varied punishments for different crimes to ensure fairness and reasonability."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and improves clarity by avoiding the use of "should" at the beginning and choosing more precise vocabulary.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, presenting the benefits of educational solutions for minor crimes and acknowledging the limitations for more severe offenses. However, there are moments where the ideas could be more clearly expressed. For instance, the phrase "I partly disagree with this statement, believing that this situation may have two side of issue" is somewhat ambiguous.
    • How to improve: Begin the essay with a clear thesis statement that directly addresses whether you agree or disagree with the prompt. Clearly outline the two sides of the issue in a more concise and straightforward manner.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat consistent position by suggesting that educational programs can be effective for minor crimes but may not have a significant impact on severe offenses. However, there are instances where the stance could be articulated more explicitly, enhancing overall clarity.
    • How to improve: Clearly state your position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Ensure that each paragraph supports the established position, avoiding any ambiguity in your stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas with examples, such as the benefits of educational programs for minor crimes. However, the development is somewhat uneven, and there are instances of unclear or awkward expression.
    • How to improve: Elaborate more on specific examples, providing detailed explanations. Focus on coherence in your expressions to enhance the flow of ideas. Carefully proofread for grammatical errors and ensure the clarity of your sentences.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the effectiveness of educational programs versus imprisonment for different types of crimes. However, there are instances where the connection between sentences is not entirely clear, and ideas could be more logically organized.
    • How to improve: Work on improving the overall organization of your essay. Use clear transitions between ideas and ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall coherence of the essay.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument, there is room for improvement in terms of clarity, coherence, and expression. Clearly articulating your position, developing ideas with precision, and enhancing overall organization will contribute to a more polished and effective response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction outlines the writer’s stance, and there is an attempt to present both sides of the argument. However, the transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing benefits to drawbacks could be more seamlessly connected.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on creating clear connections between sentences and paragraphs. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader through different points of view. Consider a more balanced presentation of ideas, avoiding abrupt shifts between advantages and disadvantages.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but the structure is not consistently effective. There are instances where ideas within paragraphs could be better organized. For instance, the second paragraph could be divided to give more clarity to the discussion of mild punishments for certain crimes.

    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and use topic sentences to signal the focus of each paragraph. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas and facilitate readability.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as conjunctions (e.g., "on the one hand," "on the other hand") and transitional phrases (e.g., "in conclusion"). However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be improved to enhance coherence.

    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases (e.g., furthermore, nevertheless, consequently). Ensure that these devices not only signal transitions but also contribute to the overall coherence of the essay. Practice using them in a way that strengthens the logical flow of ideas.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in the organization of information, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Enhancing these aspects will contribute to a more polished and cohesive response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts at variety. There are instances where the writer employs words and phrases effectively, such as "prone to," "haunting criminals," and "psychological obsession." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary further, especially in expressing nuanced ideas and arguments.
    • How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, try incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and exploring different ways to express your ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using the term "haunting criminals," consider alternatives like "violent offenders" or "perpetrators of heinous crimes."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is a mix of accurate and imprecise terms. While there are instances of clear and appropriate word choices (e.g., "mild punishment" and "capital punishment"), there are also areas where terminology could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "reoffened trend" might benefit from a more precise term, such as "recidivism."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to the specificity of the terms you use. In the case of "reoffened trend," consider alternatives like "recidivism pattern." Additionally, strive for accuracy in your vocabulary choices to convey your ideas with greater clarity and impact.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a noticeable level of spelling errors, including misspellings like "interllect," "shoplifter," "reoffened," and grammatical errors like "asean countries." These errors can impact the overall coherence and readability of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spelling and grammar-check tools during the writing process. Additionally, proofread your work carefully to catch errors that automated tools might miss. Building a habit of reviewing your writing for spelling and grammatical accuracy will contribute to a more polished final product.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of sentence structures, often relying on simple and repetitive structures. For example, the frequent use of basic sentence structures such as "On the one hand" and "on the other hand" contributes to the lack of variety. Complex sentences are rarely used, and the essay lacks sophisticated sentence structures that could enhance coherence and engagement.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. Introduce variety by using introductory phrases, dependent clauses, and transitions. For instance, instead of consistently using "on the one hand," explore alternatives like "while," "although," or "conversely" to enhance coherence and overall fluency.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable grammatical errors and inaccuracies, affecting overall clarity. Instances of subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect word choices, and awkward phrasing are present throughout the essay. For example, "this situation may have two side of issue" should be corrected to "this situation may have two sides of the issue." Additionally, inconsistent verb tenses and misuse of articles impact the precision of the message.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully review subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and article usage. Consider proofreading the essay for common errors, such as incorrect prepositions and word choices. For instance, replace "capable of taking mission about community service" with "capable of taking on community service missions." Utilize grammar-check tools and seek feedback to refine sentence structures and improve the overall grammatical accuracy of the essay. Additionally, pay attention to punctuation, ensuring proper placement and usage to enhance readability and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The use of incarceration, often considered the predominant solution to crime, is a subject of debate, with alternative approaches such as specialized education for offenders. Contrary to this belief, I partially disagree with the notion, contending that the situation involves multiple facets. In this essay, I will not only outline the benefits but also explore the potential drawbacks in this context.

On the one hand, punitive measures like community service and house arrest offer a chance for offenders, particularly those involved in minor offenses like pickpocketing or shoplifting, to reform their mindset and behavior. This leniency in penalties fosters social awareness and intellectual growth, especially for juvenile offenders not mature enough for incarceration. Educational programs, coupled with community-based training, might lead to successful public propagation programs. For instance, certain minor crimes in Europe, such as burglary and shoplifting, may entail community service, contributing to societal awareness.

However, it is crucial to acknowledge that educational programs do not exert a truly significant impact on heinous crimes such as murder or child abuse, which have the potential to pose a serious threat to the peaceful lives of individuals. If these hardened criminals continue to exhibit violent actions and behavior despite undergoing community-based training, they may exhibit a trend of reoffending and engaging in illegal activities persistently. In such cases, individuals convicted of intentional murder must face the capital punishment of life imprisonment, a practice prevalent in ASEAN countries, including China, Vietnam, and others. This, I argue, ensures equity for the victims brutally harmed by such heinous crimes, preventing psychological trauma throughout their lives.

In conclusion, certain community services and appropriate education can serve as alternatives for the betterment of society, especially for less severe offenses. However, I partly believe that governments should administer varied punishments for different crimes to ensure fairness and reasonability in addressing the complexity of criminal activities.

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