In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some “people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some "people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.
To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
The population in most parts of the world is ageing; people are living longer and there are fewer younger people in many places as birth rates fall. This phenomenon has pros and cons, but this essay will contend that, on balance, the advantages of having an older population outweigh the negatives.
The first issue that occurs to many people when considering the ageing population is the expense. If people live longer, they may have more than 30 years of retirement and may need to be supported financially by the government or their families. If they experience age-related illness, this impacts the health system and takes up resources needed by other people in society. What's more, when older people are financially independent, it might be hard for younger people if they have to compete to get a foot in the door of the housing market or gain employment.
That being said, older people have a lot to contribute in terms of wisdom, experience and skills. Many people are active and productive for longer than their counterparts were 50 years ago and are an asset to the economy and society well into their old age. They are able to work for longer and after retirement they contribute in many ways too, such as by doing charitable work, spending money as consumers and supporting their families. Grandparents often care for their young grandchildren, making it easier for both parents to work.
While it is true that an ageing populatioan poses challenges for governments, it is clear that these are outweighed by the significant benefits that elderly people bring to society.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"people are living longer" -> "individuals are experiencing longer lifespans"
Explanation: The phrase "individuals are experiencing longer lifespans" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence. -
"there are fewer younger people" -> "there is a decline in the number of younger individuals"
Explanation: "There is a decline in the number of younger individuals" provides a more specific and formal description of the demographic trend. -
"this essay will contend that" -> "this essay argues that"
Explanation: "Argues that" is a more direct and academically appropriate term than "contend that," which can imply a more subjective or adversarial stance. -
"the expense" -> "the financial burden"
Explanation: "The financial burden" is a more precise and formal term that better captures the economic implications of an ageing population. -
"they may have more than 30 years of retirement" -> "they may enjoy extended periods of retirement"
Explanation: "Extended periods of retirement" is a more formal and precise way to describe the length of retirement, avoiding the colloquial tone of "more than 30 years." -
"may need to be supported financially" -> "may require financial support"
Explanation: "May require financial support" is a more formal and succinct expression, improving the academic tone. -
"What’s more" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "What’s more." -
"it might be hard for younger people" -> "it may prove challenging for younger individuals"
Explanation: "It may prove challenging for younger individuals" uses more formal language and avoids the casual tone of "it might be hard." -
"get a foot in the door" -> "secure employment opportunities"
Explanation: "Secure employment opportunities" is a more formal and precise alternative to the idiomatic "get a foot in the door." -
"older people have a lot to contribute" -> "older individuals possess significant contributions"
Explanation: "Older individuals possess significant contributions" uses more formal language and emphasizes the value of their contributions. -
"Many people are active and productive for longer" -> "Many individuals remain active and productive for longer"
Explanation: "Many individuals remain active and productive for longer" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone. -
"are an asset to the economy and society" -> "contribute positively to the economy and society"
Explanation: "Contribute positively to the economy and society" is a more formal and precise way to describe the beneficial impact of older individuals. -
"by doing charitable work, spending money as consumers and supporting their families" -> "through charitable endeavors, consumer spending, and family support"
Explanation: "Through charitable endeavors, consumer spending, and family support" is a more formal and concise way to describe the various ways older individuals contribute. -
"Grandparents often care for their young grandchildren" -> "Grandparents frequently care for their young grandchildren"
Explanation: "Frequently" is a more formal adverb than "often," enhancing the academic tone of the sentence. -
"making it easier for both parents to work" -> "facilitating employment for both parents"
Explanation: "Facilitating employment for both parents" is a more formal and precise way to describe the impact on parental employment. -
"an ageing populatioan" -> "an ageing population"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the proper spelling of "population."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the disadvantages and advantages of an ageing population. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. The body paragraphs present arguments for both sides, with a focus on the benefits, such as the economic contributions of older individuals and their roles in family support systems. However, while the disadvantages are mentioned, they could be elaborated further to provide a more balanced view.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could delve deeper into the disadvantages, perhaps by providing specific examples or statistics related to the financial burden on governments or healthcare systems. This would create a more nuanced discussion and demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the advantages of an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages. This position is consistently reinforced in the concluding statement. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly signal shifts in focus, such as "On the other hand," when moving from disadvantages to advantages. This would help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several relevant ideas, such as the economic contributions of older individuals and their roles in family dynamics. However, some points, particularly regarding the disadvantages, are not fully developed. For instance, the mention of financial competition for younger people is a good start but lacks depth and supporting examples.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to extend their ideas by providing specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the points made. For instance, citing studies on the economic impact of elderly workers or providing a case study of a country successfully integrating an ageing population could strengthen the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely on topic, addressing the prompt directly. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper, particularly in the discussion of disadvantages. The mention of competition for housing and jobs, while relevant, could be more directly tied back to the implications of an ageing population rather than presented as a standalone concern.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This could involve explicitly linking each disadvantage back to the overarching theme of the ageing population’s impact on society.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there are opportunities for improvement in elaborating on disadvantages, enhancing clarity through transitions, and providing more detailed support for ideas. By addressing these areas, the writer could elevate their score even further.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are logically organized, with the first paragraph discussing the disadvantages of an ageing population and the second addressing the advantages. This organization allows the reader to follow the argument easily. For example, the transition from discussing the financial burdens of an ageing population to the contributions of older individuals is smooth and coherent.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, the writer could include clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. For instance, explicitly stating that the first paragraph will focus on disadvantages and the second on advantages would reinforce the structure. Additionally, incorporating linking phrases such as "On the contrary" or "In contrast" at the beginning of the second body paragraph could further clarify the shift in focus.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph has a clear focus, with the first addressing the challenges posed by an ageing population and the second highlighting its benefits. However, the conclusion could be more distinct, as it currently blends into the final body paragraph without a clear separation.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, the writer should ensure that the conclusion is clearly marked and summarizes the main points discussed. This could be achieved by starting a new paragraph for the conclusion and using phrases like "In conclusion" or "To summarize" to signal the end of the discussion. This will provide a more definitive closure to the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a good range of cohesive devices, such as "That being said" and "What’s more," which help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. These devices effectively guide the reader through the writer’s reasoning. However, there is a slight over-reliance on a few phrases, which could limit the overall variety of cohesive devices used.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer could incorporate a broader range of linking words and phrases. For example, using "Furthermore," "Additionally," or "Conversely" could enhance the connections between ideas. It would also be beneficial to vary sentence structures to avoid repetition and maintain the reader’s interest. For instance, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "If," the writer could use different structures to introduce conditions or consequences.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, implementing these suggestions could elevate it further, potentially achieving a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "ageing population," "pros and cons," and "financially independent." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in the discussion of the elderly’s contributions and challenges. For instance, the phrases "older people" and "ageing population" are used frequently without much variation.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, consider using synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "older people," you could use "senior citizens," "the elderly," or "aged individuals." Additionally, integrating more advanced vocabulary related to economics or social issues could elevate the essay’s overall quality.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "the expense" could be more specific; it might be clearer to say "the financial burden on the healthcare system" or "the economic implications of increased longevity." Furthermore, the term "impact" is used in a vague context without specifying how it affects the health system.
- How to improve: Focus on using more precise language that clearly conveys your meaning. Instead of saying "this impacts the health system," specify how it impacts it, such as "this increases the demand for healthcare services." This will enhance clarity and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a spelling error: "populatioan" instead of "population." Such mistakes can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may affect the reader’s perception of the writer’s attention to detail.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After completing the essay, take a moment to read it aloud or use spell-check tools. Additionally, familiarizing yourself with commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help reduce errors in future essays.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, enhancing vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy will contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "If people live longer, they may have more than 30 years of retirement and may need to be supported financially by the government or their families" effectively convey multiple ideas within a single sentence. Additionally, the use of conditional structures ("If they experience age-related illness…") adds depth to the argument. However, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and the inclusion of more compound-complex sentences to enhance the overall complexity.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using introductory phrases or clauses, such as "Despite the challenges posed by an ageing population, it is essential to recognize…" or varying the sentence length for rhythm. Incorporating more passive voice constructions or inversion for emphasis can also enrich the text. For example, instead of starting sentences with "Older people have a lot to contribute," you might say, "A wealth of wisdom, experience, and skills is offered by older people."
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "an ageing populatioan" contains a typographical error that detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing. Additionally, punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "and" in lists or when introducing clauses. The use of phrases like "What’s more" is conversational and may not fit the formal tone expected in an IELTS essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread the essay carefully to catch typographical errors. For punctuation, practice using commas in complex lists and before conjunctions to separate independent clauses. Additionally, consider replacing conversational phrases with more formal alternatives, such as "Furthermore" or "Moreover," to maintain an academic tone throughout the essay. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on common errors can also help solidify understanding and application of grammatical rules.
Bài sửa mẫu
The population in many parts of the world is ageing; individuals are experiencing longer lifespans, and there is a decline in the number of younger individuals as birth rates fall. This phenomenon has both pros and cons, but this essay argues that, on balance, the advantages of having an older population outweigh the disadvantages.
The first issue that arises for many when considering the ageing population is the financial burden. If individuals live longer, they may enjoy extended periods of retirement and may require financial support from the government or their families. If they experience age-related illnesses, this impacts the health system and consumes resources needed by other individuals in society. Furthermore, when older individuals are financially independent, it may prove challenging for younger individuals if they have to compete to secure employment opportunities or gain a foothold in the housing market.
That being said, older individuals possess significant contributions in terms of wisdom, experience, and skills. Many individuals remain active and productive for longer than their counterparts did 50 years ago and contribute positively to the economy and society well into their old age. They are able to work for longer, and after retirement, they contribute in various ways, such as through charitable endeavors, consumer spending, and family support. Grandparents frequently care for their young grandchildren, facilitating employment for both parents.
While it is true that an ageing population poses challenges for governments, it is clear that these are outweighed by the significant benefits that elderly individuals bring to society.
