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In many countries, people in large cities live alone or in small family units, rather than in large, extended family groups. Is this a positive or negative trend?

In many countries, people in large cities live alone or in small family units, rather than in large, extended family groups.
Is this a positive or negative trend?

Currently, the increasing number of city dwellers have a solitary lifestyle or build nuclear families rather than extended families. From my point of view, this trend brings more harm than good.
Living in one person households or in two generation families could have several benefits. First of all, it allows them the chance to pursue a career path and personal hobbies. For example, young people who live on their own can stay up late and watch a favored TV show or hang out with their friends until midnight without receiving any complaints. Secondly, living alone may not worry about family responsibilities. In fact, they don't have to deal with heightened burdens, namely take care of children and household duties.
I believe that staying in extended families brings more advantages. It is undeniable that people will find it easier to look after other members when living with multi-generational families.
In fact, many young parents have to cope with pressure from work and financial burden. If you are involved in extended families, they can send them to other family members and the children would receive more education and happiness early. What’s more, compared with large groups, it is easier for small family units to have family-bonding activities. For instance, they can engage in shared dinners, shopping trips or picnics; therefore, connection among members is strengthened.
In conclusion, although the trend of living alone brings people some benefits following their desire, I believe that living in extended families brings more overwhelming advantages.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Currently, the increasing number of city dwellers have a solitary lifestyle or build nuclear families rather than extended families." -> "Presently, a growing number of urban residents adopt a solitary lifestyle or form nuclear families instead of extended families."
    Explanation: Replacing "Currently" with "Presently" enhances the formality of the introduction. Also, the revised sentence uses more precise language, such as "urban residents" instead of "city dwellers," contributing to an academic tone.

  2. "From my point of view, this trend brings more harm than good." -> "In my perspective, this trend has more drawbacks than benefits."
    Explanation: Substituting "From my point of view" with "In my perspective" maintains a formal tone. Additionally, replacing "brings more harm than good" with "has more drawbacks than benefits" provides a more nuanced and sophisticated expression.

  3. "Living in one person households or in two generation families could have several benefits." -> "Residing in single-person households or two-generation families can yield various advantages."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal terms like "residing" instead of "living," and "yield various advantages" instead of "could have several benefits," enhancing the academic style.

  4. "First of all, it allows them the chance to pursue a career path and personal hobbies." -> "First and foremost, it affords individuals the opportunity to pursue a career and personal interests."
    Explanation: Replacing "First of all" with "First and foremost" adds formality. The suggested alternatives, "affords individuals" and "opportunity to pursue," contribute to a more sophisticated vocabulary without sacrificing clarity.

  5. "young people who live on their own can stay up late and watch a favored TV show or hang out with their friends until midnight without receiving any complaints." -> "Independent young individuals can stay up late, watch their favorite TV shows, or socialize with friends until midnight without facing objections."
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language, such as "independent young individuals" and "facing objections," while retaining the original meaning.

  6. "Secondly, living alone may not worry about family responsibilities." -> "Secondly, those living alone are free from the concerns of family responsibilities."
    Explanation: The suggested changes replace the informal "may not worry about" with the more formal "are free from the concerns of" to enhance the academic tone.

  7. "In fact, many young parents have to cope with pressure from work and financial burden." -> "Indeed, numerous young parents grapple with work-related stress and financial burdens."
    Explanation: Substituting "In fact" with "Indeed" contributes to formality. The revised sentence uses more formal terms like "grapple with" and "work-related stress" for an academic tone.

  8. "If you are involved in extended families, they can send them to other family members and the children would receive more education and happiness early." -> "Being part of an extended family allows the delegation of responsibilities to other family members, providing children with enhanced early education and happiness."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs more formal language, such as "delegation of responsibilities" and "enhanced early education," to align with academic style.

  9. "What’s more, compared with large groups, it is easier for small family units to have family-bonding activities." -> "Furthermore, in contrast to larger groups, small family units find it more manageable to engage in family-bonding activities."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality by using "Furthermore" and "in contrast to." The phrase "find it more manageable" replaces the informal "it is easier," maintaining a formal tone.

  10. "although the trend of living alone brings people some benefits following their desire," -> "While the trend of solitary living fulfills individual desires and provides certain benefits,"
    Explanation: The suggested changes use a more formal expression, "fulfills individual desires," and restructure the sentence for improved clarity and academic tone.

  11. "I believe that living in extended families brings more overwhelming advantages." -> "I contend that residing in extended families offers more substantial advantages."
    Explanation: Replacing "I believe that" with "I contend that" adds formality, and "more substantial advantages" is a more sophisticated expression than "more overwhelming advantages."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the trend of people in large cities living alone or in small family units and presents an opinion on whether this trend is positive or negative. However, the explanation lacks depth and could benefit from a more comprehensive exploration of the implications of this trend.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, provide more specific examples and elaborate on the positive and negative aspects of the trend. Consider addressing potential counterarguments to make the analysis more nuanced.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position throughout by expressing the opinion that the trend of living alone or in small family units brings more harm than good. The stance is consistent, and the reader can easily identify the author’s viewpoint.
    • How to improve: Maintain this level of clarity and consistency in future essays. Ensure that each paragraph reinforces the overall position and avoids contradictory statements.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas, but they are somewhat underdeveloped. For instance, the benefits of living in one-person households or two-generation families are mentioned briefly without sufficient elaboration or examples.
    • How to improve: Extend and support ideas with more specific details, examples, and reasoning. This will make the essay more persuasive and provide a deeper understanding of the author’s perspective.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the trend of living alone or in small family units in response to the prompt. However, there are instances where the connection between ideas is not seamless, and the essay could benefit from more transitions to enhance coherence.
    • How to improve: Work on improving the flow between paragraphs and ideas. Use transition phrases to guide the reader through the essay and ensure a smooth progression of thoughts. This will enhance the overall coherence and make the essay more focused.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a clear position and partially addresses the prompt, there is room for improvement in terms of depth of analysis, development of ideas, and overall coherence. Strengthening these aspects will contribute to a more comprehensive and effective response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonably logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the trend, and the body paragraphs discuss the advantages of living alone or in extended families. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs. For instance, the transition between the first and second body paragraphs could be smoother.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader. Additionally, ensure a smoother transition between ideas, particularly when moving from discussing the benefits of living alone to the advantages of extended families.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs, but their structure could be more effective. Paragraphs lack clear unity of thought, and some ideas are presented within lengthy sentences. Additionally, the conclusion is brief and would benefit from a separate paragraph.
    • How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs with a clear main idea. Break down lengthy sentences into smaller, more digestible segments. In the conclusion, consider expanding the final thoughts into a separate paragraph to provide a stronger ending to the essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "firstly" and "secondly." However, there is a need for a more varied and sophisticated use of cohesive devices to enhance the overall coherence. Additionally, pronouns could be used more consistently to maintain clarity.
    • How to improve: Experiment with a wider range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases. Ensure consistent pronoun usage to prevent confusion. Pay attention to the flow between sentences and paragraphs, using cohesive devices to guide the reader through the essay more smoothly.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion, improvements in paragraph structure, logical organization, and the use of cohesive devices would contribute to a more effective presentation. Keep refining these aspects to elevate the overall coherence of your writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. Some key terms are repeated, and there’s room for improvement in diversifying word choices. For instance, the phrase "extended families" is frequently used without much variation. There are also instances where synonyms or related terms could have been employed for better expressiveness.
    • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases for repetitive terms. For example, instead of consistently using "extended families," one could use alternatives like "multi-generational households" or "joint family structures." Additionally, explore more varied expressions for concepts like "benefits" and "advantages" to add depth to the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys ideas adequately, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "this trend brings more harm than good" is somewhat vague. Precision can be improved by specifying the nature of harm or by using more nuanced language.
    • How to improve: Aim for precision by providing specific details or examples when discussing the positive or negative aspects of a trend. Instead of a generic statement, consider specifying the types of harm or benefits that may result from the trend. This can add depth and clarity to the argument.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an acceptable level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of minor errors, such as "favored" instead of "favorite" and "advantages" instead of "advantageous." These do not significantly impede understanding but can be improved for a more polished presentation.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to word spellings during proofreading. Utilize spell-check tools and take the time to review each word individually. Additionally, consider expanding your vocabulary to avoid potential misspellings of common terms. Consistent practice and review will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

Overall, the essay has a solid foundation in vocabulary usage, but there is room for refinement in terms of variety, precision, and minor spelling details. Keep practicing and diversifying your vocabulary to elevate the lexical resource aspect of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. Simple and complex sentences are utilized, but there is a tendency towards simple structures. For example, the use of compound sentences could enhance the essay’s complexity and coherence. Additionally, the essay lacks diversity in sentence openings; most sentences begin with a subject pronoun or the conjunction ‘for example.’
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences with subordinate clauses. Experiment with different sentence openings, such as introductory adverbial phrases or participial phrases. This will add sophistication to your writing and contribute to a more cohesive flow.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of accurate and inaccurate grammar. There are instances of subject-verb agreement issues, such as "many young parents have to cope" (should be "has to cope") and "they can engage in shared dinners" (should be "can engage"). Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are a few instances of missing commas after introductory phrases, like "In fact" and "For example."
    • How to improve: Review and practice subject-verb agreement rules, paying attention to singular and plural subjects. Additionally, be consistent with comma usage after introductory phrases. Ensure that each sentence is grammatically correct by proofreading carefully. Consider seeking feedback from others to catch errors you might have missed.

Overall, while the essay effectively communicates its main points, enhancing grammatical accuracy and diversifying sentence structures would elevate the writing to a higher band score. Keep refining your writing skills through consistent practice and attention to detail.

Bài sửa mẫu

Presently, an increasing number of urban residents embrace a solitary lifestyle or opt for nuclear families over extended ones. In my perspective, this trend has more drawbacks than benefits.

Residing in single-person households or two-generation families can indeed offer various advantages. First and foremost, it affords individuals the opportunity to pursue a career and personal interests. Independent young individuals can stay up late, watch their favorite TV shows, or socialize with friends until midnight without facing objections. Secondly, those living alone are free from the concerns of family responsibilities. Indeed, numerous young parents grapple with work-related stress and financial burdens. Being part of an extended family allows the delegation of responsibilities to other family members, providing children with enhanced early education and happiness.

Furthermore, in contrast to larger groups, small family units find it more manageable to engage in family-bonding activities. While the trend of solitary living fulfills individual desires and provides certain benefits, I contend that residing in extended families offers more substantial advantages.

In conclusion, despite the benefits of the trend of living alone in fulfilling individual desires, I firmly believe that living in extended families brings more overwhelming advantages.

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