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In many countries, people in large cities live alone or in small family units, rather than in large, extended family groups. Is this a positive or negative trend?

In many countries, people in large cities live alone or in small family units, rather than in large, extended family groups.
Is this a positive or negative trend?

Currently, the increasing number of city dwellers have a solitary lifestyle or build nuclear families rather than extended families. From my point of view, this trend brings more harm than good.
Living in one person households or in two generation families could have several benefits. First of all, it allows them the chance to pursue a career path and personal hobbies. For example, young people who live on their own can stay up late and watch a favored TV show or hang out with their friends until midnight without receiving any complaints. Secondly, living alone may not worry about family responsibilities. In fact, they don't have to deal with heightened burdens, namely take care of children and household duties.
I believe that staying in extended families brings more advantages. It is undeniable that people will find it easier to look after other members when living with multi-generational families. replace: By being part of an extended family, parents can share the responsibility of child-rearing with other family members. For instance, grandparents can contribute to the early education of children by sharing valuable life experiences and knowledge. What’s more, compared with large groups, it is easier for small family units to have family-bonding activities. For instance, they can engage in shared dinners, shopping trips or picnics; therefore, connection among members is strengthened.
In conclusion, although the trend of living alone brings people some benefits following their desire, I believe that living in extended families brings more overwhelming advantages.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "the increasing number of city dwellers have a solitary lifestyle" -> "the growing population of urban residents leads to a solitary lifestyle"
    Explanation: Replacing "the increasing number of city dwellers" with "the growing population of urban residents" provides a more formal and precise expression, aligning with academic language norms.

  2. "From my point of view" -> "In my opinion"
    Explanation: "From my point of view" is more informal, and "In my opinion" is a more standard and formal phrase suitable for academic writing.

  3. "Living in one person households or in two generation families" -> "Residing in single-person households or two-generation families"
    Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect; it should be "one-person households." Additionally, using "residing" instead of "living" and "two-generation families" instead of "in two generation families" enhances formality.

  4. "it allows them the chance" -> "it provides them with the opportunity"
    Explanation: "Allows them the chance" is less formal, and replacing it with "provides them with the opportunity" elevates the academic tone.

  5. "stay up late and watch a favored TV show" -> "stay up late to watch a preferred TV program"
    Explanation: "Watch a favored TV show" is more colloquial, and "watch a preferred TV program" is a more formal way to express the idea.

  6. "hang out with their friends until midnight without receiving any complaints" -> "socialize with their friends until midnight without facing any objections"
    Explanation: "Hang out with their friends" is informal, and "socialize with their friends" is a more formal alternative. "Without receiving any complaints" is replaced with "without facing any objections" for a more sophisticated expression.

  7. "may not worry about family responsibilities" -> "are not burdened with family responsibilities"
    Explanation: "May not worry about" is less formal, and "are not burdened with" provides a more formal and precise expression.

  8. "dealing with heightened burdens, namely take care of children and household duties" -> "handling increased responsibilities, specifically taking care of children and managing household duties"
    Explanation: "Dealing with heightened burdens" is less formal, and the replacement phrase is more precise and formal.

  9. "staying in extended families brings more advantages" -> "residing in extended families offers more benefits"
    Explanation: "Staying in" is more casual, and "residing in" is a more formal alternative. "Brings more advantages" is also replaced with "offers more benefits" for improved formality.

  10. "it is undeniable that people will find it easier" -> "it is indisputable that individuals will find it easier"
    Explanation: "It is undeniable that" is a more formal expression than "it is undeniable that."

  11. "replace: By being part of an extended family" -> "Moreover, being part of an extended family"
    Explanation: The original phrase is unclear and incomplete. Replacing it with "Moreover, being part of an extended family" introduces the subsequent idea more clearly.

  12. "parents can share the responsibility of child-rearing" -> "parents can jointly bear the responsibility of child-rearing"
    Explanation: "Share the responsibility" is less formal, and "jointly bear the responsibility" is a more formal alternative.

  13. "For instance, grandparents can contribute to the early education of children" -> "For example, grandparents can contribute to the early education of their grandchildren"
    Explanation: Adding specificity with "their grandchildren" improves clarity, and "For example" is a more standard phrase in academic writing.

  14. "What’s more, compared with large groups" -> "Furthermore, in comparison with larger groups"
    Explanation: "What’s more" is more informal, and "Furthermore" is a formal transition. "Compared with large groups" is replaced with "in comparison with larger groups" for added precision.

  15. "it is easier for small family units to have family-bonding activities" -> "small family units find it easier to engage in family-bonding activities"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better flow and replacing "it is easier for" with "find it easier to" maintains clarity and formality.

  16. "In conclusion, although the trend of living alone brings people some benefits following their desire" -> "In conclusion, while the trend of solitary living fulfills individual desires and offers certain advantages"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for better clarity and replacing "brings people some benefits following their desire" with "fulfills individual desires and offers certain advantages" enhances formality and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the prompt by discussing the trend of people in large cities living alone or in small family units rather than in extended families. It acknowledges both perspectives, presenting arguments for the benefits of living alone or in small families and then countering with the advantages of extended families.
    • How to improve: To enhance task response, provide a more balanced analysis by dedicating equal attention to the positive and negative aspects of the trend. Additionally, ensure that the response is not cut short due to word constraints, allowing for a more comprehensive exploration of ideas.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that leans towards the belief that living in extended families brings more advantages. This stance is maintained consistently throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: While maintaining a clear position is essential, consider acknowledging the merits of the opposing viewpoint to demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic. This can strengthen the overall argumentation.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents ideas on the benefits of living alone or in small families and extended families. However, the development of ideas could be more detailed and supported with concrete examples. For instance, the mention of "heightened burdens" could be expanded with specific responsibilities to provide a more thorough argument.
    • How to improve: Elaborate on each point by providing specific examples and illustrating how the stated benefits or drawbacks manifest in real-life situations. This will enhance the depth of analysis and provide more compelling support for the arguments.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the trend of people in large cities living alone or in small family units versus extended families. However, there are instances where the language is imprecise or the point is not fully developed, which may lead to some deviation.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph contributes directly to the discussion of the given trend. Refine language to avoid ambiguity, and maintain a focused approach to avoid straying into unrelated ideas.

In conclusion, while the essay presents a clear position and addresses the key elements of the prompt, improvements can be made in providing a more balanced analysis, developing ideas with specific examples, and maintaining precision to avoid potential deviations. Additionally, expanding on key points may help overcome the constraint of being "under word."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction that sets the stage for the discussion. The body paragraphs present arguments in a somewhat sequential order, first discussing the benefits of solitary living or nuclear families and then contrasting it with the advantages of extended families. However, there is room for improvement in the flow of ideas. Some transitions between sentences and paragraphs are abrupt, and the connection between ideas could be strengthened for a more coherent structure.

    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit transition words or phrases between sentences and paragraphs. This will guide the reader through the essay more smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph builds upon the previous one, creating a seamless flow of ideas.

  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into three paragraphs, adhering to a basic structure of introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the body paragraph discussing the benefits of living alone or in nuclear families could be further subdivided to improve clarity and focus. Sentences within each paragraph generally relate to the main idea, but the organization of ideas within the body paragraph could be refined for a more effective presentation.

    • How to improve: Consider breaking down the body paragraph discussing the advantages of solitary living or nuclear families into two or more paragraphs. Each paragraph can then focus on a specific aspect, making the content more digestible for the reader. Ensure a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the essay’s structure.

  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses a basic range of cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("First of all," "Secondly," "In conclusion"). However, the variety and sophistication of cohesive devices could be improved for a more polished essay. Additionally, some sentences lack clear connections to preceding or following ideas, affecting the overall coherence.

    • How to improve: Introduce a wider variety of cohesive devices, including conjunctions, transitions, and pronouns, to create a more cohesive and sophisticated connection between ideas. Ensure that each sentence logically follows the previous one, reinforcing the overall coherence of the essay. Consider rephrasing or adding connective phrases where needed for a smoother flow of ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a competent level of coherence and cohesion, but refinement in organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices would contribute to a more polished and coherent piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "nuclear families," "extended families," "career path," "hobbies," "responsibilities," "multi-generational families," and "family-bonding activities." However, there is room for improvement in incorporating more sophisticated or nuanced vocabulary to enhance the lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the score in this aspect, consider incorporating more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary. For instance, instead of frequently using generic terms like "advantages" and "responsibilities," explore more precise words or phrases that convey a deeper understanding of the concepts. Utilize a thesaurus to identify synonyms and expand your lexical range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary in a clear and straightforward manner. However, there are instances where the language could be more precise. For example, the phrase "they can engage in shared dinners, shopping trips, or picnics" could be refined for greater precision.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, focus on selecting words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Instead of "engage in," consider alternatives like "participate in" or "enjoy." This small adjustment can contribute to a more nuanced and accurate expression of ideas. Additionally, be mindful of word choice to avoid ambiguity and ensure that each word contributes precisely to the message.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits correct spelling throughout, with only minor errors. For instance, there is a usage error in the phrase "staying in extended families brings more advantages," where "in" should be replaced with "with." This does not significantly detract from the overall spelling accuracy but should be noted.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread your writing carefully. Pay attention to common usage errors, and consider using spelling and grammar-check tools to catch any overlooked mistakes. Additionally, be mindful of prepositions to ensure correct usage and maintain overall coherence.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary and generally maintains correct spelling, there is room for improvement in lexical variety and precision. Focus on incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and refining word choices for greater precision to elevate the overall lexical resource score. Additionally, continue to proofread your writing to catch minor spelling errors and usage issues.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures. There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but some improvement can be made in diversifying sentence structures further. For example, the essay relies on simple sentence structures in some instances, such as "Living in one person households or in two generation families could have several benefits," which could be enhanced by incorporating more complex sentence structures.

    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating compound and complex sentences. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, try combining ideas in a more complex manner. For example, "Living in one-person households or in two-generation families could have several benefits, including the opportunity to pursue a career path and personal hobbies."

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, but there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, in the sentence "Currently, the increasing number of city dwellers have a solitary lifestyle," the subject-verb agreement is incorrect, and it should be "has a solitary lifestyle." Additionally, there are some awkward expressions, such as "replace: By being part of an extended family," where the word "replace" seems out of place.

    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement to ensure grammatical accuracy. Additionally, review and revise sentences for clarity and coherence. In the case of awkward expressions, consider rephrasing for smoother transitions. For example, instead of "replace: By being part of an extended family," try "Moreover, being part of an extended family."

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammar, but refining sentence structures for greater variety and addressing minor grammatical errors can contribute to a more polished piece.

Bài sửa mẫu

Presently, a growing number of urban residents opt for a solitary lifestyle or form nuclear families instead of extended ones. In my opinion, this inclination has more drawbacks than benefits.

Residing in single-person households or two-generation families can indeed offer certain advantages. Firstly, it provides individuals with the opportunity to pursue their career paths and indulge in personal hobbies. For instance, young individuals living independently can stay up late to watch a preferred TV program or socialize with their friends until midnight without facing any objections. Secondly, those living alone are not burdened with family responsibilities, specifically handling increased responsibilities, such as taking care of children and managing household duties.

However, residing in extended families offers more benefits. It is indisputable that individuals will find it easier to look after other family members when living with multi-generational families. Moreover, being part of an extended family enables parents to jointly bear the responsibility of child-rearing. For example, grandparents can contribute to the early education of their grandchildren by sharing valuable life experiences and knowledge. Furthermore, in comparison with larger groups, small family units find it easier to engage in family-bonding activities. For instance, they can participate in shared dinners, shopping trips, or picnics, thereby strengthening the connection among family members.

In conclusion, while the trend of solitary living fulfills individual desires and offers certain advantages, I believe that living in extended families brings more overwhelming benefits.

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