In many countries, people increasingly talk about money (how much they earn or how much they pay for things) in their daily conversations. Why? Is this a positive or negative trend?

In recent years, a significant rise in daily discussions between individuals about financial issues has been observed globally. This trend is attributed to various factors, including relevance in everyday life, and is considered as a detrimental development due to its discrimination and obsession with material possessions. This essay will explore the key factors contributing to the rise in everyday conversations and analyze some potential evidence to shed light on the negative impacts of money.
In the modern era, people often discuss money due to its relevance in everyday life. One in particular could be that we all require a certain amount of money. This is mainly because we have to afford necessities and additional services, leading to most people putting a high value on financial security and contemplating financial matters. As a result, they confide money to others with a view to verbalizing their emotions and worries around finances. Furthermore, it can be normal and natural discourse in several regions and cultures, as it seems like a good conversation starter, which may earn admiration from others. This trend contributes significantly to the escalating levels of everyday money discussions, underscoring the need for more money in the face of life.
Nevertheless, discussing such sensitive information is inappropriate. This is due to its obsession with material possessions. Superficial appearances are given more weight in social evaluations than essential character qualities. In addition, there is a discrimination between people who are affordable and those who are not. For instance, teenagers who are financially unable to purchase expensive clothing already sometimes face humiliation. Another example could be that in China, young people shame one another and parents shun offspring based on their economic prospects. These can do harm to people’s mental health as well as make the country run the risk of economic downturn.
In conclusion, many reasons can be given to explain why the daily conversations about finance are a complex issue. This reflects significant social and economic shifts. Understanding the causes of this phenomenon is crucial in order to consider that the impact of this trend hinges on how society navigates these conversations, emphasizing a balanced perspective on money as just one aspect of a multifaceted life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"a significant rise in daily discussions" -> "a significant increase in daily conversations"
Explanation: "Increase" is more precise and academically appropriate than "rise" in this context, as it directly relates to the quantitative aspect of the discussions. "Conversations" is also more formal than "discussions."
"is attributed to various factors" -> "is attributed to several factors"
Explanation: "Several" is more precise and formal than "various," which can be vague and less specific.
"considered as a detrimental development" -> "viewed as a detrimental development"
Explanation: "Viewed" is more formal and appropriate in academic writing than "considered as," which is less direct and slightly awkward.
"its discrimination and obsession with material possessions" -> "discrimination and an obsession with material possessions"
Explanation: Removing "its" corrects the possessive error, as "discrimination" is not a possessive noun.
"One in particular could be that" -> "One example is that"
Explanation: "One example is that" is more direct and formal, avoiding the informal and vague "could be."
"we all require a certain amount of money" -> "we all need a certain amount of money"
Explanation: "Need" is more commonly used in formal writing to express necessity than "require."
"afford necessities and additional services" -> "meet our basic needs and pay for additional services"
Explanation: "Meet our basic needs" is more precise and formal than "afford necessities," which is somewhat colloquial.
"putting a high value on financial security" -> "placing a high value on financial security"
Explanation: "Placing" is more formal and precise than "putting" in this context.
"confide money to others" -> "discuss financial matters with others"
Explanation: "Discuss financial matters" is clearer and more appropriate than "confide money," which is incorrect and unclear.
"verbalizing their emotions and worries" -> "expressing their emotions and concerns"
Explanation: "Expressing" is more formal and appropriate than "verbalizing," which is less commonly used in this context.
"it seems like a good conversation starter" -> "it serves as a suitable conversation starter"
Explanation: "Serves as a suitable conversation starter" is more formal and precise than "seems like a good conversation starter."
"underscoring the need for more money" -> "emphasizing the need for more financial resources"
Explanation: "Emphasizing the need for more financial resources" is more specific and formal than "underscoring the need for more money."
"discussing such sensitive information is inappropriate" -> "discussing such sensitive information is inappropriate"
Explanation: This is a grammatical correction to maintain parallel structure and clarity.
"its obsession with material possessions" -> "the obsession with material possessions"
Explanation: Removing "its" corrects the possessive error, as "obsession" is not a possessive noun.
"Superficial appearances are given more weight" -> "Superficial appearances are accorded greater importance"
Explanation: "Accorded greater importance" is more formal and precise than "given more weight."
"there is a discrimination between people" -> "there exists a disparity among individuals"
Explanation: "There exists a disparity among individuals" is more formal and precise than "there is a discrimination between people," which is awkward and imprecise.
"teenagers who are financially unable to purchase expensive clothing" -> "teenagers who are financially unable to afford expensive clothing"
Explanation: "Afford" is more specific and appropriate in this context than "purchase," which is too broad.
"shame one another" -> "embarrass one another"
Explanation: "Embarrass" is more specific and appropriate in this context than "shame," which can be too strong and vague.
"make the country run the risk of economic downturn" -> "pose a risk of economic downturn for the country"
Explanation: "Pose a risk of economic downturn for the country" is more formal and clearer than "make the country run the risk of economic downturn."
"many reasons can be given to explain why" -> "several reasons can be cited to explain why"
Explanation: "Cited" is more formal and precise than "given," and "several" is more specific than "many."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt: it discusses why people talk about money and evaluates whether this trend is positive or negative. The first paragraph outlines the reasons for the rise in discussions about money, such as the necessity of financial security and cultural norms. The second paragraph presents a clear stance that this trend is negative, citing issues like materialism and discrimination. However, while the reasons are mentioned, they could be more explicitly linked to the overall argument regarding the trend’s implications.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could more clearly delineate the reasons for the rise in conversations about money and directly connect these reasons to the positive or negative implications. For instance, after discussing the reasons, a brief summary of how each reason contributes to the negative aspects could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the trend of discussing money is negative. This is evident in the second paragraph, where the author elaborates on the detrimental effects of such discussions. However, the transition between discussing the reasons for the trend and the negative implications could be smoother, as the shift feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the essay should include transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, after outlining the reasons for the trend, the author could use a phrase like "Despite these reasons, it is important to consider the negative consequences that arise from such discussions."
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the necessity of money and the social implications of discussing it. Specific examples, like the experiences of teenagers and cultural practices in China, provide some support for the claims. However, the examples could be better integrated into the argument to enhance their relevance and impact.
- How to improve: To strengthen the presentation and support of ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, elaborating on how the examples of teenagers and cultural practices lead to broader societal implications would create a more compelling argument. Additionally, using statistics or studies could provide further evidence to support the claims.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the reasons for discussing money and the implications of this trend. However, some sentences are slightly vague or convoluted, which can detract from the overall focus. For example, the phrase "this reflects significant social and economic shifts" at the end of the essay could be more specific about what shifts are being referred to.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. Clarifying vague statements and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that ties back to the main argument will help keep the essay on track.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument. By refining the connections between ideas, enhancing the support for claims, and ensuring clarity throughout, the author can work towards achieving a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized to first discuss the reasons for increased conversations about money and then to address the negative implications of this trend. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the relevance of money to the negative aspects feels abrupt. The ideas within paragraphs are generally coherent, but some sentences could be better connected to enhance the overall flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "Furthermore," "In contrast") can help guide the reader through the argument more fluidly. For instance, after discussing the reasons for the trend, a transitional sentence could bridge to the negative aspects more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the topic. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs delve into specific points. However, the second body paragraph could be divided into two separate paragraphs to better delineate the negative impacts of discussing money and to provide a more focused discussion on each point. This would help in emphasizing the discrimination and mental health issues separately.
- How to improve: Consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more digestible paragraphs. For example, one paragraph could focus solely on the societal implications of financial discussions, while another could address the psychological effects. This division would not only improve clarity but also enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "furthermore" and "for instance," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the phrase "this trend contributes significantly" could be better linked to the previous sentence for clarity.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "Consequently," "As a result," "In addition," "Conversely"). Additionally, ensure that each sentence logically follows from the previous one by using phrases that explicitly indicate relationships (e.g., cause and effect, contrast). This will help create a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can enhance its coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "detrimental development," "financial security," and "superficial appearances." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "discuss money" and "financial issues," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. For instance, using synonyms or related phrases such as "monetary matters" or "economic discussions" could diversify the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and expressions related to finance and social discussions. Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary lists related to economics and social dynamics could help in finding alternative phrases that convey similar meanings.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "confide money to others" is awkward and unclear; "confide" typically refers to sharing personal feelings or secrets, not financial matters. Additionally, the term "discrimination" is used in a context that could be more accurately described as "inequality" or "social stratification."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully consider the context in which specific words are used. Revising phrases for clarity—such as replacing "confide money" with "discuss financial concerns"—would improve the overall coherence and accuracy of the essay. Furthermore, reviewing definitions and contexts of vocabulary can help ensure that words are used appropriately.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, with only a few minor errors. However, there are instances where spelling could be improved, such as in the phrase "the risk of economic downturn," which could be more effectively expressed as "the risk of an economic downturn." While this is not a spelling error per se, it reflects a lack of grammatical precision that can affect clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling and overall grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, ideally reading it aloud to catch any awkward phrasing or minor errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools and practicing writing exercises that focus on spelling and grammar can help solidify these skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy could elevate the Lexical Resource score. Engaging with diverse vocabulary sources and practicing precise language use will be beneficial for future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the opening sentence effectively uses a complex structure: "In recent years, a significant rise in daily discussions between individuals about financial issues has been observed globally." This showcases the writer’s ability to convey complex ideas clearly. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional clauses or varied introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences with subordinate clauses, such as "Although discussing money can be seen as necessary, it often leads to negative social comparisons." Additionally, varying the sentence openings and using different conjunctions can help create a more dynamic flow in the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For example, the phrase "leading to most people putting a high value on financial security" could be rephrased for clarity and grammatical precision. The use of commas is inconsistent, particularly in the phrase "including relevance in everyday life, and is considered as a detrimental development," where the comma before "and" is unnecessary. Additionally, the phrase "this can do harm to people’s mental health" could be more effectively expressed as "this can harm people’s mental health."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as unnecessary commas and awkward phrasing. Practicing sentence restructuring and ensuring that conjunctions are used correctly can also enhance clarity. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help refine the overall quality of the writing.

By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, a significant increase in daily conversations among individuals about financial issues has been observed globally. This trend is attributed to several factors, including its relevance in everyday life, and is viewed as a detrimental development due to its association with discrimination and an obsession with material possessions. This essay will explore the key factors contributing to the rise in everyday conversations about money and analyze some potential evidence to shed light on the negative impacts of this trend.

In the modern era, people often discuss money due to its relevance in their daily lives. One reason is that we all need a certain amount of money to meet our basic needs and pay for additional services. This necessity leads many individuals to place a high value on financial security and to contemplate financial matters more frequently. As a result, they may discuss money with others as a way of expressing their emotions and concerns regarding finances. Furthermore, in several regions and cultures, such discussions can be seen as normal and natural discourse, serving as a suitable conversation starter that may earn admiration from others. This trend contributes significantly to the escalating levels of everyday money discussions, emphasizing the need for more financial resources in the face of life’s challenges.

Nevertheless, discussing such sensitive information can be inappropriate. This is largely due to the obsession with material possessions, where superficial appearances are accorded greater importance than essential character qualities. Additionally, there exists a disparity among individuals based on their financial situations. For instance, teenagers who are financially unable to afford expensive clothing often face embarrassment. One example is that in China, young people may shame one another, and parents may shun their offspring based on their economic prospects. Such behaviors can harm individuals’ mental health and pose a risk of economic downturn for the country.

In conclusion, several reasons can be cited to explain why daily conversations about finance are a complex issue. This reflects significant social and economic shifts. Understanding the causes of this phenomenon is crucial, as the impact of this trend hinges on how society navigates these conversations, emphasizing a balanced perspective on money as just one aspect of a multifaceted life.