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In many countries, people increasingly talk about money (how much they earn or how much they pay for things) in their daily conversations. Why is this the case? Is this a positive or negative trend?

In many countries, people increasingly talk about money (how much they earn or how much they pay for things) in their daily conversations. Why is this the case?
Is this a positive or negative trend?

Recent years have witnessed the increasing frequency of daily conversations about money. This essay attempts to outline the underlying reasons behind this phenomenon before concluding that this trend is disadvantageous for both individuals and the society.

The surge in everyday discussions revolving around financial matters can be attributed to two pivotal factors. Firstly, the escalating cost of living across various regions has propelled individuals into earnest conversations about their monetary matters. Skyrocketing expenses in housing, education, and healthcare have created a situation where people engage in financial dialogues either to seek advices or simply to share their economic woes. Secondly, the widespread influence of social media, particularly platforms like Instagram and TikTok, has amplified the prevalence of money-related discussions. These platforms often showcase individuals flaunting their possessions and lavish lifestyles, fostering a culture where open discourse about income and expenditures is not only normalized but also encouraged.

While open discussions about finances can contribute to enhancing financial literacy and enabling informed financial decisions, it is my firm belief that they come at the cost of exacerbating more profound issues. The primary concern lies in the cultivation of financial obsessions , urging individuals to prioritize financial success over more meaningful aspects of life, such as personal relationships, mental well-being, and self-development. This is further exacerbated by the potential repercussions of constant money-centric conversations, which may breed feelings of inadequacy or jealousy among those who perceive themselves as less financially successful than their peers. Such dynamics could strain interpersonal relationships and, on a broader scale, contribute to the creation of a societal divide based on economic status.

In conclusion, the upward trajectory of discussing personal finances in daily conversations is propelled by factors such as the escalating cost of living and the pervasive influence of social media. Despite certain advantages, this trend should be regarded as unfavorable, given its propensity to cultivate an unhealthy fixation on material wealth and precipitate negative social consequences.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Recent years have witnessed the increasing frequency of daily conversations about money." -> "In recent years, there has been a growing frequency of daily discussions about financial matters."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality by rephrasing the beginning and using "financial matters" instead of "money."

  2. "This essay attempts to outline the underlying reasons behind this phenomenon before concluding that this trend is disadvantageous for both individuals and the society." -> "This essay endeavors to delineate the underlying reasons behind this phenomenon before asserting that this trend is detrimental to both individuals and society."
    Explanation: The use of "endeavors" adds a more formal touch, and replacing "disadvantageous" with "detrimental" enhances precision in language.

  3. "The surge in everyday discussions revolving around financial matters can be attributed to two pivotal factors." -> "The surge in daily discussions pertaining to financial matters can be attributed to two pivotal factors."
    Explanation: The revision makes the sentence more concise and replaces "revolving around" with "pertaining to" for a slightly more formal tone.

  4. "Skyrocketing expenses in housing, education, and healthcare have created a situation where people engage in financial dialogues either to seek advices or simply to share their economic woes." -> "Escalating expenses in housing, education, and healthcare have created a situation wherein individuals engage in financial dialogues, either to seek advice or simply to share their economic woes."
    Explanation: The use of "wherein" adds formality, and correcting "advices" to "advice" and "woes" to "economic woes" improves accuracy and formality.

  5. "Secondly, the widespread influence of social media, particularly platforms like Instagram and TikTok, has amplified the prevalence of money-related discussions." -> "Secondly, the pervasive influence of social media, especially on platforms like Instagram and TikTok, has heightened the prevalence of discussions related to money."
    Explanation: "Pervasive" is a more advanced term, and reordering the sentence slightly improves its flow.

  6. "While open discussions about finances can contribute to enhancing financial literacy and enabling informed financial decisions, it is my firm belief that they come at the cost of exacerbating more profound issues." -> "Although open discussions about finances can contribute to enhancing financial literacy and enabling informed financial decisions, I firmly believe that they come at the cost of exacerbating more profound issues."
    Explanation: The revision introduces "Although" for a more formal transition, and "I firmly believe" adds emphasis and formality.

  7. "The primary concern lies in the cultivation of financial obsessions, urging individuals to prioritize financial success over more meaningful aspects of life, such as personal relationships, mental well-being, and self-development." -> "The primary concern lies in the cultivation of an obsession with finances, urging individuals to prioritize financial success over more meaningful aspects of life, such as personal relationships, mental well-being, and self-development."
    Explanation: Adding "an" before "obsession" corrects the article usage, making the sentence grammatically accurate and more formal.

  8. "This is further exacerbated by the potential repercussions of constant money-centric conversations, which may breed feelings of inadequacy or jealousy among those who perceive themselves as less financially successful than their peers." -> "This is further compounded by the potential repercussions of constant money-centric conversations, which may foster feelings of inadequacy or jealousy among those who perceive themselves as less financially successful than their peers."
    Explanation: "Compounded" is a more formal term, and "foster" is a better fit than "breed" in this context, enhancing the formality and precision of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It acknowledges the reasons behind the increasing discussions about money and clearly states that the trend is viewed as disadvantageous. The analysis is well-supported and covers both economic and social factors contributing to the trend.
    • How to improve: While the essay already performs well in this aspect, a slight enhancement could involve providing more nuanced perspectives on the advantages and disadvantages of discussing personal finances. This could involve exploring potential benefits in greater detail.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent and clear stance throughout. It explicitly states that the trend is disadvantageous, and this position is reinforced and elaborated upon in each paragraph.
    • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the stance in the introduction and conclusion. This will leave no room for ambiguity and ensure that the reader clearly understands the writer’s perspective.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. Each point is well-developed, and examples are provided to illustrate key arguments. The use of specific instances, such as the influence of social media, adds depth to the analysis.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay further, consider providing additional examples or statistics that could bolster the argument. This will add more weight to the analysis and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the discussed trends.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a strong focus on the topic throughout, discussing the reasons behind the increased discussions about money and evaluating the trend’s positive and negative aspects.
    • How to improve: To further ensure focus, avoid any unnecessary details or information that does not directly contribute to the discussion. This will help maintain a concise and targeted exploration of the topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the prompt and effectively addresses each criterion. To improve further, consider refining the stance in the introduction and conclusion, providing additional examples or statistics to strengthen arguments, and avoiding any unnecessary details to maintain a more focused discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable level of logical organization. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic and outlining the main points. The body paragraphs follow a clear and sequential structure, presenting two key reasons behind the increased discussions about money. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a decisive stance on the trend. Transitions between paragraphs are smooth, contributing to a coherent flow of ideas. However, there is a slight imbalance in the depth of analysis between the two reasons presented, with more emphasis on the influence of social media.
    • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure that the analysis of reasons is equally balanced. Consider providing more depth on the impact of the escalating cost of living to maintain a harmonious structure. Additionally, make sure transitions between ideas are consistently smooth to create a seamless progression.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize and develop ideas. Each paragraph is focused on a specific aspect of the argument, facilitating clarity and coherence. The introduction and conclusion are appropriately structured. However, the third paragraph, which discusses the disadvantages of the trend, could benefit from further elaboration to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: While maintaining the focus on specific aspects in each paragraph, consider expanding the third paragraph to provide more detailed examples and analysis of the negative consequences. This will contribute to a more comprehensive exploration of the disadvantages of the trend.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases and pronouns, contributing to overall coherence. These devices guide the reader through the essay and establish logical connections between ideas. Notably, the use of "firstly" and "secondly" in the second paragraph enhances the organization of information.
    • How to improve: Continue utilizing cohesive devices to maintain smooth transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Consider incorporating more advanced cohesive devices, such as parallelism or advanced conjunctions, to elevate the overall cohesiveness of the essay.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong coherence and cohesion, with a well-organized structure and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. To improve, ensure a balanced depth of analysis between reasons, expand on critical points, and continue utilizing a range of cohesive devices for a more sophisticated presentation.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, incorporating words such as "pivotal," "propelled," "escalating," "obsessions," and "precipitate." Additionally, there is appropriate use of phrases like "financial literacy" and "financial obsessions," indicating a nuanced understanding of the topic.
    • How to improve: To further enhance the range of vocabulary, consider introducing more specific and domain-specific terms related to economic discussions. For instance, incorporating terminology like "fiscal responsibility," "economic disparities," or "monetary discourse" could elevate the lexical richness.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with precision. However, there are instances where a more precise choice of words could enhance clarity. For example, the term "financial obsessions" might benefit from a more specific descriptor to precisely convey the negative impact.
    • How to improve: Instead of using a broad term like "financial obsessions," consider employing more precise language such as "unhealthy fixation on material wealth" or "excessive preoccupation with financial success." This provides a clearer and more specific description of the phenomenon.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is mostly maintained throughout the essay, reflecting a strong command of written English. However, there is one instance where the word "advices" should be corrected to "advice."
    • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to common pitfalls like homophones and irregular spellings. Utilizing spell-check tools can also be beneficial in catching any overlooked errors.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a robust command of vocabulary, with a wide range of terms used appropriately. To improve, focus on introducing more domain-specific vocabulary and refining precision in word choices. Additionally, maintain vigilant proofreading practices to ensure impeccable spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, incorporating complex sentences, compound sentences, and varied sentence lengths. For example, the author effectively uses complex structures such as, "The surge in everyday discussions revolving around financial matters can be attributed to two pivotal factors," showcasing a clear command of grammatical structures. Additionally, transitions like "Firstly" and "Secondly" contribute to a smooth flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: To further enhance grammatical range, consider integrating more sophisticated sentence structures, such as conditional sentences, relative clauses, or inversion. This can elevate the overall complexity and sophistication of the essay. For instance, introducing sentences with phrases like "In the event that" or "Given that" can add nuance to the argument.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a high level of grammatical accuracy, with minimal errors in sentence structure. However, there are a few instances where the phrasing could be refined for greater clarity. For instance, in the sentence "This essay attempts to outline the underlying reasons behind this phenomenon before concluding that this trend is disadvantageous," consider rephrasing for conciseness and clarity, such as "This essay outlines the underlying reasons for this phenomenon and concludes that it is disadvantageous."
    • How to improve: Proofread carefully for minor grammatical nuances and clarity issues. Pay attention to sentence structure to ensure it is concise without sacrificing depth. Additionally, consider using more varied punctuation marks, such as colons or em dashes, to add emphasis and clarity where appropriate. For example, "The surge in everyday discussions revolving around financial matters can be attributed to two pivotal factors: firstly, the escalating cost of living…"

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and a varied range of sentence structures, contributing to the achievement of a Band Score of 7. To further enhance the score, continue refining sentence structures for sophistication and ensure utmost clarity in phrasing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there has been a noticeable increase in daily discussions about financial matters. This essay aims to highlight the underlying reasons behind this trend before concluding that it is detrimental for both individuals and society.

The surge in daily conversations related to financial matters can be attributed to two key factors. Firstly, the rising expenses in housing, education, and healthcare have led individuals to engage in financial dialogues, seeking advice or sharing economic concerns. Secondly, the widespread influence of social media, particularly on platforms like Instagram and TikTok, has heightened the prevalence of discussions about money.

While open discussions about finances can enhance financial literacy and enable informed financial decisions, I firmly believe that they come at the cost of exacerbating more profound issues. The primary concern lies in the cultivation of an obsession with finances, urging individuals to prioritize financial success over more meaningful aspects of life, such as personal relationships, mental well-being, and self-development. This is further compounded by the potential repercussions of constant money-centric conversations, which may foster feelings of inadequacy or jealousy among those who perceive themselves as less financially successful than their peers. Such dynamics could strain interpersonal relationships and, on a broader scale, contribute to the creation of a societal divide based on economic status.

In conclusion, the growing frequency of discussing personal finances in daily conversations is driven by factors such as the escalating cost of living and the pervasive influence of social media. Despite certain advantages, this trend should be considered unfavorable, given its propensity to cultivate an unhealthy fixation on material wealth and precipitate negative social consequences.

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