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In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest?

It is true that school pupil behaviors have worsened in many part of the world nowadays. This state of affairs can be attributed to several factors and this essay will suggest several viable solutions to remedy the situation.
Admittedly, bad student behaviors are affected by three main causes. Firstly, many modern parents are too permissive and spoil their child. Speaking from personal experience, a friend of mine can have whatever he wants by simply asking his parents, making it challenging for him to understand and adapt to the structure of a school environment. Secondly, overcrowded classrooms can put teachers in difficulty to manage all pupil and provide enough individualized attention. Finally, the influence of celebrities, mostly football players or singers, one specific example of success can be achieved without education, might affect children’s attitude and motivation toward their studies.
To address this problems, each of these factors must take their action. The key solution here is started from parents, who should know their importance of educating their child’s manner at home and responsible to their behavior. At the same time, school should improve their facilities and create an optimal learning environment, as well as, setting a range of rules and reasonable punishment for each of them. For example, if necessary, teachers can remove disruptive students from lessons and make them clean up the classroom or balcony after class. Also, famous people must understand their impact on children and be a good role model for young generation to follow.
In conclusion, it is evident that there are various reasons for blaming to the bad behavior in students, and steps need to be taken to tackle this problem involving parents, educators, and celebrities.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "school pupil behaviors" -> "student behaviors"
    Explanation: The term "school pupil behaviors" is not the most natural expression. "Student behaviors" is a more concise and widely accepted phrase in academic writing.

  2. "many part of the world" -> "many parts of the world"
    Explanation: The original phrase lacks proper agreement between "many" and "part." Using "many parts of the world" corrects this and aligns with formal language conventions.

  3. "This state of affairs can be attributed to several factors and this essay will suggest several viable solutions to remedy the situation." -> "This situation can be attributed to various factors. This essay will propose viable solutions to address it."
    Explanation: The revised sentence removes redundancy and simplifies the expression, maintaining a formal tone and clarity.

  4. "Admittedly, bad student behaviors" -> "Admittedly, undesirable student behaviors"
    Explanation: Replacing "bad" with "undesirable" adds a more formal tone to the description of student behaviors.

  5. "modern parents" -> "contemporary parents"
    Explanation: Using "contemporary" instead of "modern" adds a more sophisticated touch while maintaining the intended meaning.

  6. "spoil their child" -> "indulge their child"
    Explanation: "Indulge" is a more formal term than "spoil" and fits better in an academic context.

  7. "Speaking from personal experience, a friend of mine can have whatever he wants" -> "Drawing from personal experience, an acquaintance of mine can obtain anything he desires"
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains the personal perspective while using more formal language and avoiding colloquial terms like "friend."

  8. "making it challenging for him to understand and adapt to the structure of a school environment." -> "thus making it challenging for him to comprehend and adjust to the school environment’s structure."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision in describing the impact of permissive parenting on a student’s adaptation to the school environment.

  9. "in difficulty to manage all pupil" -> "in difficulty managing all pupils"
    Explanation: The revised phrase provides a grammatically correct and more concise expression, avoiding the awkward use of "in difficulty to manage."

  10. "provide enough individualized attention" -> "offer sufficient individualized attention"
    Explanation: "Offer" is a more formal choice than "provide" in academic writing, and it maintains clarity in the context.

  11. "the influence of celebrities, mostly football players or singers, one specific example of success can be achieved without education" -> "the influence of celebrities, particularly football players or singers, suggesting that success can be attained without education."
    Explanation: The revised sentence clarifies the connection between celebrity influence and the notion of success without education.

  12. "might affect children’s attitude and motivation toward their studies." -> "may impact children’s attitudes and motivation regarding their studies."
    Explanation: The change enhances precision and formality while maintaining the intended meaning.

  13. "To address this problems" -> "To address these problems"
    Explanation: The correction ensures proper agreement between the plural noun "problems" and the demonstrative pronoun "these."

  14. "The key solution here is started from parents" -> "The primary solution begins with parents"
    Explanation: The revised sentence uses a more formal and concise expression to convey the idea of the primary solution originating from parents.

  15. "set a range of rules and reasonable punishment for each of them" -> "establish a set of rules and appropriate consequences for each violation"
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision in describing the school’s role in setting rules and consequences.

  16. "teachers can remove disruptive students from lessons and make them clean up the classroom or balcony after class." -> "teachers can remove disruptive students from classes and assign them the task of cleaning the classroom or balcony afterward."
    Explanation: The revised sentence provides a more detailed and formal description of the disciplinary action taken by teachers.

  17. "famous people must understand their impact on children and be a good role model for young generation to follow." -> "Prominent figures must comprehend their influence on children and serve as positive role models for the younger generation to emulate."
    Explanation: The suggested changes enhance formality and precision in describing the responsibility of famous individuals as role models.

  18. "it is evident that there are various reasons for blaming to the bad behavior in students" -> "it is evident that there are various factors contributing to undesirable behavior in students"
    Explanation: The suggested changes improve the clarity and formality of the statement, avoiding the informal use of "blaming to" and replacing it with "contributing to."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the question by identifying causes of bad student behavior and suggesting solutions. The causes are discussed in the first paragraph, and solutions are presented in the second paragraph.

    • How to improve: While the essay does cover both aspects, there could be a more explicit connection between the causes discussed and the solutions proposed. It would be beneficial to highlight how the suggested solutions directly address the identified causes.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that bad student behavior is influenced by permissive parenting, overcrowded classrooms, and the impact of celebrities. The proposed solutions align with these identified causes.

    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the main points of the position in the introduction and summarizing them in the conclusion. This reinforcement can strengthen the essay’s overall coherence.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, discussing three main causes and proposing solutions. However, some ideas lack development, and specific examples could enhance the depth of the analysis.

    • How to improve: Elaborate further on each cause and solution, providing specific examples or evidence to support the points made. This will strengthen the essay’s overall argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, addressing the causes and solutions related to student behavior. However, there are moments where the connection between causes and solutions could be more explicit.

    • How to improve: Ensure that each point made in the essay directly relates to the causes or solutions of bad student behavior. This will contribute to a more cohesive and focused response.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt, effectively addressing both causes and solutions. To improve, the essay could benefit from stronger connections between causes and solutions, more developed ideas with specific examples, and enhanced coherence through explicit statements of the main position.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally organizes information logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing causes and solutions, and a concluding statement. However, the flow within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the transition between discussing parents and overcrowded classrooms is somewhat abrupt. Providing smoother transitions can enhance the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transition words and phrases between ideas and paragraphs. For instance, phrases like "Moreover" or "On the other hand" can help guide the reader through the essay, ensuring a smoother flow of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to present distinct ideas. However, some paragraphs could be more focused. The second paragraph, for instance, combines causes (parents and overcrowded classrooms) without a clear separation, making it challenging for the reader to follow.
    • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and focuses on a single idea. Separate the discussion of causes more distinctly, allowing each cause to be explored in-depth within its own paragraph. This will improve clarity and make the essay easier to follow.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices such as "admittedly," "firstly," and "finally" to signal the organization of ideas. However, there is room for improvement in using a wider variety of cohesive devices. Additionally, the relationship between sentences within paragraphs could be strengthened for smoother transitions.
    • How to improve: Introduce a broader range of cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this," "these," "those") or linking words ("furthermore," "consequently"). Additionally, pay attention to the logical flow within paragraphs. Ensure that each sentence connects seamlessly with the previous one, creating a cohesive and easy-to-follow narrative.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good level of coherence and cohesion, but attention to paragraph structure and the use of a wider variety of cohesive devices can elevate it to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary. It covers a variety of topics related to student behavior, including parenting, classroom conditions, and the influence of celebrities. Some examples include "permissive," "adapt," and "individualized attention." However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further, especially in expressing ideas more precisely and vividly.
    • How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider incorporating more specific and nuanced terms. For instance, instead of using "challenging," explore words like "daunting" or "arduous." Additionally, use context-appropriate synonyms to avoid repetition and add depth to your expressions. The essay could benefit from the inclusion of idiomatic expressions or collocations to elevate the lexical richness.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs imprecise vocabulary. For example, the use of "problems" could be more specific. Instead of the general term "problems," consider using precise language to describe issues related to student behavior, such as "disciplinary issues" or "misconduct." This precision would enhance the overall clarity and specificity of the essay.
    • How to improve: Be mindful of word choice and strive for precision. Analyze the essay for instances where more specific terms could be used. In this case, focus on refining language related to the causes of student behavior issues and proposed solutions. Utilize vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning, thus strengthening the overall coherence and impact of your arguments.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "pupil" instead of "pupils," "this problems" instead of "these problems," and "adapting" instead of "adapt." These errors affect the overall professionalism and clarity of the essay.
    • How to improve: Prioritize careful proofreading to identify and rectify spelling errors. Utilize spelling and grammar tools available in word processors to catch common mistakes. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or teachers to gain insights into areas of improvement. Consistent attention to spelling accuracy will significantly enhance the quality and presentation of your written work.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.5

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences are used predominantly, with occasional complex structures. For instance, in the second paragraph, a complex sentence is employed: "Admittedly, bad student behaviors are affected by three main causes." However, more variety, especially in complex and compound-complex sentences, would enhance the overall sophistication of the writing.

    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences. For example, instead of relying solely on simple sentences, attempt to integrate compound and compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by combining ideas more intricately and using subordinate clauses.

  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate level of grammatical accuracy, with some errors present. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in the phrase "school pupil behaviors" (should be "school pupils’ behaviors"). Additionally, there are instances of incorrect preposition usage, as in "in many part of the world" (should be "in many parts of the world"). Punctuation is generally accurate, but there are occasional errors, such as missing commas or using them incorrectly.

    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and preposition usage. Proofread the essay to identify and correct these errors. Additionally, focus on using commas appropriately to clarify sentence structure. Consider revisiting basic grammar rules and practicing them through writing exercises.

In summary, the essay displays a reasonable level of grammatical range and accuracy, but there is room for improvement. To achieve a higher band score, work on incorporating a greater variety of sentence structures and refining grammar, particularly in areas such as subject-verb agreement and preposition usage. Additionally, thorough proofreading is crucial to eliminate punctuation errors and enhance overall writing clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indeed true that student behaviors in schools have worsened in many parts of the world nowadays. This situation can be attributed to various factors, and this essay will propose viable solutions to address it.

Admittedly, undesirable student behaviors are influenced by three main causes. Firstly, contemporary parents tend to be too permissive and often indulge their children. Drawing from personal experience, an acquaintance of mine can obtain anything he desires simply by asking his parents, thus making it challenging for him to comprehend and adjust to the school environment’s structure. Secondly, overcrowded classrooms can result in difficulty managing all pupils and offering sufficient individualized attention. Finally, the influence of celebrities, particularly football players or singers, suggesting that success can be attained without education, may impact children’s attitudes and motivation regarding their studies.

To address these problems, the primary solution begins with parents. Parents should establish a set of rules and appropriate consequences for each violation, emphasizing the importance of educating their child’s manners at home and being responsible for their behavior. Simultaneously, schools should improve their facilities and create an optimal learning environment, while also setting a range of rules with reasonable punishments for each. For example, teachers can remove disruptive students from classes and assign them the task of cleaning the classroom or balcony afterward. Prominent figures must comprehend their influence on children and serve as positive role models for the younger generation to emulate.

In conclusion, it is evident that there are various factors contributing to undesirable behavior in students, and steps need to be taken to tackle this problem involving parents, educators, and celebrities.

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