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In many countries, the government spend a large amount of money on arts. Some people agree with this. However, others think government should spend more money on health and education. Dicuss both sides and give your own opinion

In many countries, the government spend a large amount of money on arts. Some people agree with this. However, others think government should spend more money on health and education. Dicuss both sides and give your own opinion

Nowadays, it is becoming common to allocate the government's funds to the arts. Although some people agree with this trend, others argue that these funds should be arranged for health and education. This essay will explain both opinions and why I believe the benefits of the arts can outweigh the drawbacks because of benefits for a sense of unity and an energetic life.

To begin with the negatives, some people assert that the government should spend more on health and education. In Japan, as an ageing country, the government is facing a significant increase in welfare. Research recently conducted by the Ministry of Health in Japan discovered that the allocation for health care services consists of about half of the total budget this year, which is anticipated to increase in decades. If the government reduces this money, the elderly people cannot manage their higher bills for prescriptions from doctors.

However, I believe the benefits of the arts can surpass the disadvantages. The arts often bring a sense of unity. For example, when people visit a museum and see some art with their relatives, they can share their own feelings, which is useful for bringing people together. Additionally, the arts can reduce stress. According to an article by Nikkei newspaper, it is a practical way to reduce anxiety by drawing pictures. 70% of the patients in the hospital felt more relaxed during these activities. As a result, people can live more energetically via the arts.

In conclusion, although it is essential to use the money for health and education, this money should be also allocated to the arts. We must consider the balance of using money in these fields.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Nowadays" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."

  2. "allocate the government’s funds" -> "allocate government funds"
    Explanation: Removing "the" before "government’s" simplifies the phrase and aligns with formal academic style, which often avoids possessive forms in general references to government.

  3. "some people agree with this trend" -> "some individuals support this trend"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "support" is a more precise verb than "agree with" in this context, enhancing the academic tone.

  4. "others argue that these funds should be arranged for" -> "others contend that these funds should be allocated to"
    Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal synonym for "argue," and "allocated to" is the correct prepositional phrase for directing funds to specific areas.

  5. "the benefits of the arts can outweigh the drawbacks" -> "the advantages of the arts may outweigh the disadvantages"
    Explanation: "Advantages" and "disadvantages" are more specific and formal than "benefits" and "drawbacks," and "may" suggests possibility rather than certainty, which is more appropriate in academic discourse.

  6. "because of benefits for a sense of unity and an energetic life" -> "due to the benefits of fostering a sense of unity and promoting an energetic lifestyle"
    Explanation: "Due to the benefits of" is more precise and formal than "because of," and "fostering" and "promoting" are more specific verbs than "benefits for."

  7. "some people assert" -> "some individuals argue"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "argue" is a more precise verb for expressing opinions in academic writing.

  8. "the government is facing a significant increase in welfare" -> "the government faces a significant increase in welfare expenditures"
    Explanation: "Faces" is a more direct and formal verb, and "expenditures" is a more precise term than "increase in welfare."

  9. "the allocation for health care services consists of about half of the total budget this year" -> "health care services account for approximately half of the total budget this year"
    Explanation: "Account for" is a more formal expression than "consists of," and "approximately" is more precise than "about."

  10. "the elderly people cannot manage their higher bills for prescriptions from doctors" -> "the elderly may struggle to manage increased prescription costs"
    Explanation: "May struggle to manage" is a more formal and precise way to express potential difficulties, and "increased prescription costs" is a clearer and more formal phrase than "higher bills for prescriptions from doctors."

  11. "the arts often bring a sense of unity" -> "the arts frequently promote a sense of unity"
    Explanation: "Frequently" is more formal than "often," and "promote" is a more active and precise verb than "bring" in this context.

  12. "people visit a museum and see some art with their relatives" -> "visitors to museums view artworks with family members"
    Explanation: "Visitors to museums" and "view artworks" are more formal and precise, and "family members" is a more formal term than "relatives."

  13. "it is a practical way to reduce anxiety by drawing pictures" -> "drawing is a practical method for reducing anxiety"
    Explanation: "Drawing is a practical method" is more concise and formal, and "reducing anxiety" is a clearer and more direct phrase than "reduce anxiety."

  14. "people can live more energetically via the arts" -> "individuals can lead more energetic lives through the arts"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is more formal than "people," and "lead more energetic lives" is a more precise and formal expression than "live more energetically via."

  15. "this money should be also allocated" -> "this funding should also be allocated"
    Explanation: "Funding" is a more specific term than "money," and "should also be allocated" is grammatically correct and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both sides of the argument regarding government spending on arts versus health and education. The first body paragraph discusses the perspective that funds should be allocated more towards health and education, providing a relevant example from Japan. The second body paragraph presents the author’s viewpoint in favor of arts, highlighting its benefits for social unity and stress reduction. However, while both sides are discussed, the treatment of the opposing view could be more balanced and detailed.
    • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the essay could include more specific examples or statistics supporting the argument for increased spending on health and education. Additionally, a more thorough exploration of the implications of underfunding these areas would strengthen the discussion.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The author presents a clear position favoring the arts, stating that their benefits can outweigh the drawbacks. This position is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the second body paragraph. However, the transition between discussing the opposing view and the author’s stance could be smoother to reinforce the clarity of the position.
    • How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use transitional phrases that explicitly contrast the two viewpoints, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely," to guide the reader through the argument more effectively. Additionally, reiterating the main position in the conclusion could further solidify the stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to the benefits of the arts, such as fostering unity and reducing stress, and supports these ideas with examples. However, the development of these points could be deeper. For instance, the example of stress reduction through art is compelling but lacks further elaboration on how this impacts society as a whole.
    • How to improve: To enhance this area, the author should aim to provide more detailed explanations and connections between the ideas presented. For example, discussing how reduced stress can lead to improved productivity or overall well-being in the community would strengthen the argument. Additionally, integrating more diverse examples could enrich the discussion.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the debate over government spending on arts versus health and education. However, there are moments where the connection to the prompt could be clearer, particularly in the conclusion, which introduces the idea of balance without fully tying it back to the specific arguments made.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. In the conclusion, instead of introducing a new concept of balance, the author could summarize the key arguments made for both sides and reiterate their opinion in a way that directly responds to the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a relevant argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the author can enhance the clarity, depth, and coherence of their response, potentially raising their band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized to discuss opposing views, starting with the argument for increased spending on health and education, followed by the writer’s argument in favor of the arts. However, the transition between the two body paragraphs could be smoother to enhance logical flow. For instance, the shift from discussing the negatives of arts funding to the positives could benefit from a clearer linking sentence that indicates a transition in perspective.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly indicate a shift in focus, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea, helping the reader to follow the argument more easily.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. The introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion are distinct and serve their purposes. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided to emphasize the two main points made about the arts: the sense of unity and the reduction of stress. This would allow for a more focused discussion of each point.
    • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, consider breaking the second body paragraph into two separate paragraphs—one focusing on the sense of unity and the other on the stress-reducing benefits of the arts. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve the overall clarity of the argument.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "for example," and "additionally," which help to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For instance, the use of more varied linking words and phrases could enhance the flow of ideas. The phrase "as a result" is used effectively, but the essay could benefit from additional devices to indicate contrast or to elaborate on points.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words. For example, use "furthermore" to add information, "in contrast" to highlight differences, or "therefore" to indicate a conclusion drawn from previous statements. This will not only improve the cohesion of the essay but also demonstrate a stronger command of language.

Overall, while the essay achieves a solid level of coherence and cohesion, addressing the suggested improvements can elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the argument, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "allocate," "welfare," "prescriptions," and "anxiety." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "the government should spend more" and "the benefits of the arts." This indicates a reliance on a narrower lexical field rather than a broader, more varied vocabulary that could enhance the essay’s sophistication.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "spend," alternatives like "invest," "allocate," or "disburse" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text. For example, instead of "significant increase," one might say "substantial increase" or "notable rise."
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "arranged for health and education" is awkward and unclear; "allocated" or "designated" would be more appropriate. Furthermore, the phrase "the benefits of the arts can outweigh the drawbacks" is somewhat vague and could benefit from more specific language that clearly delineates what these benefits are.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey exact meanings. For example, instead of "the benefits of the arts can surpass the disadvantages," the writer could specify what those benefits are, such as "the arts foster community engagement and enhance mental well-being." This specificity would make the argument stronger and clearer.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that impede understanding. However, there are minor issues, such as the misspelling of "aging" (which is spelled "ageing" in British English but is often considered less common in American English). This inconsistency could confuse readers who are more familiar with one variant of English over the other.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully or use spell-check tools. Familiarizing oneself with common spelling variations between British and American English can also help, depending on the intended audience. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or vocabulary quizzes can reinforce correct spelling habits.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, enhancing lexical resource through a wider range of vocabulary, more precise word choices, and careful attention to spelling will contribute to a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "Although some people agree with this trend, others argue that these funds should be arranged for health and education" effectively conveys contrasting viewpoints. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, such as starting several sentences with "the arts" or "some people." This can lead to a lack of fluidity and engagement in the writing.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly starting with "the arts," the writer could use phrases like "In addition to its cultural significance," or "Beyond its aesthetic value," to introduce ideas. Additionally, varying the use of transition words and phrases can enhance the flow of ideas and make the essay more engaging.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with only a few minor errors. For example, the phrase "the elderly people cannot manage their higher bills for prescriptions from doctors" could be simplified to "the elderly cannot manage their higher prescription bills," which would improve clarity and conciseness. Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are some instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "which is useful for bringing people together" to separate the clause more clearly.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on simplifying complex phrases and ensuring subject-verb agreement. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly focusing on common errors, can also be beneficial. Reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help in making the writing clearer and more professional. Reading more high-quality essays can provide insights into effective punctuation and grammatical structures.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments. By enhancing the variety of sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

Nowadays, it is becoming increasingly common to allocate government funds to the arts. Although some individuals support this trend, others contend that these funds should be directed towards health and education. This essay will discuss both perspectives and explain why I believe the advantages of the arts may outweigh the disadvantages due to their benefits in fostering a sense of unity and promoting an energetic lifestyle.

To begin with the drawbacks, some people argue that the government should prioritize spending on health and education. In Japan, as an aging society, the government is facing a significant increase in welfare expenditures. Research recently conducted by the Ministry of Health in Japan revealed that the allocation for health care services accounts for approximately half of the total budget this year, and this figure is anticipated to rise in the coming decades. If the government reduces funding in this area, elderly individuals may struggle to manage increased prescription costs from doctors.

However, I believe the benefits of the arts can surpass the disadvantages. The arts frequently promote a sense of unity. For example, when visitors to museums view artworks with family members, they can share their feelings, which is beneficial for bringing people together. Additionally, the arts can effectively reduce stress. According to an article by the Nikkei newspaper, drawing is a practical method for reducing anxiety. In fact, 70% of patients in hospitals reported feeling more relaxed during these activities. As a result, individuals can lead more energetic lives through engagement with the arts.

In conclusion, although it is essential to allocate funds for health and education, this funding should also be directed towards the arts. We must consider the balance of financial resources in these areas to ensure a well-rounded society.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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