In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Could this trend have more positive or negative effects on society

In this current era, it is discernible that the steady growth in senior citizens becomes an argumentative issue in various regions. Whereas there is particular inclination toward the trend’s benefits, its detrimental influence on the community is indisputable.
First of all, while it is undeniable regarding the creativity and vitality of the new generation, the majority of enterprises concentrate desperately on their old stagers. By means of lifelong learning and precious experience, the elderly manage to launch various steadfast strategies from which they derive profits and hold office as core staff, such as consultants in any company. In addition, as regards the advent of technology and globalization, the preservation of cultural identity must be taken into huge consideration. As a result, those old-aged inhabitants play an essential role in maintaining well-established culture and propagandizing this to the young. These reasons have proved the paramount significance of older people in contemporary society.
However, alongside the fact that the old have a potential impact on the community, there are still a range of downsides that cannot be ignored. The healthcare system is now subjected to substantial pressure on grounds of the increasing number of elderly people. Moreover, accommodation provision is also a general concern of the government, associated with the welfare society, which caters to pensioners. These issues force the youngster to contribute more taxation since the authority needs gigantic income to sustain the prior generation. Subsequently, it is likely that the youth will have to deal with the unemployment threat when the rise in senior citizens continues. Once there is enough core peripheral staff in a business, the demand for hiring a new workforce may decline remarkably, resulting in a high competitive rate and the narrowing of remunerated job opportunities among employees.
All things considered, despite deleterious issues related to the elderly, I wholeheartedly believe that old-aged people still have a positive impact on the civilization of mankind. Without those citizens, the following generations may forget to either sustain the previous moral and traditional values or respect the past.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In this current era" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: "In the contemporary era" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the essay.
"steady growth in senior citizens" -> "steady increase in the elderly population"
Explanation: "Steady increase in the elderly population" is a more accurate and formal way to describe demographic trends, avoiding the awkward phrasing of "senior citizens" as a noun.
"argumentative issue" -> "controversial issue"
Explanation: "Controversial issue" is a more precise term that accurately reflects the debate surrounding the topic, whereas "argumentative issue" is vague and less formal.
"particular inclination toward the trend’s benefits" -> "distinct inclination towards the benefits of this trend"
Explanation: "Distinct inclination towards the benefits of this trend" clarifies the direction of the inclination and uses "this trend" to specify the subject, enhancing clarity and formality.
"indisputable" -> "undeniable"
Explanation: While "indisputable" is correct, "undeniable" is more commonly used in academic contexts to describe facts that cannot be disputed, making it a more natural choice here.
"concentrate desperately" -> "focus intensely"
Explanation: "Focus intensely" is a more precise and formal way to describe the level of attention given by enterprises to their older employees, avoiding the colloquial "concentrate desperately."
"old stagers" -> "older employees"
Explanation: "Old stagers" is an informal and unclear term; "older employees" is straightforward and appropriate for formal writing.
"launch various steadfast strategies" -> "develop various effective strategies"
Explanation: "Develop various effective strategies" is more precise and formal, replacing the vague and less formal "launch various steadfast strategies."
"hold office as core staff" -> "serve as key personnel"
Explanation: "Serve as key personnel" is a more formal and accurate description of the roles of older employees in organizations.
"taken into huge consideration" -> "given significant consideration"
Explanation: "Given significant consideration" is a more formal and precise way to express the importance of something in an academic context.
"old-aged inhabitants" -> "older residents"
Explanation: "Older residents" is a more formal and appropriate term than "old-aged inhabitants," which is awkward and less commonly used.
"propagandizing this to the young" -> "promoting this to younger generations"
Explanation: "Promoting this to younger generations" is more formal and avoids the negative connotation of "propagandizing," which implies manipulation.
"paramount significance" -> "great importance"
Explanation: "Great importance" is a more straightforward and academically appropriate phrase than "paramount significance," which can be seen as overly dramatic.
"substantial pressure" -> "significant pressure"
Explanation: "Significant pressure" is a more standard term in formal writing, replacing the less common "substantial pressure."
"gigantic income" -> "substantial revenue"
Explanation: "Substantial revenue" is a more precise and formal term than "gigantic income," which is colloquial and imprecise.
"core peripheral staff" -> "core personnel"
Explanation: "Core personnel" is a more standard term in formal writing, replacing the awkward and unclear "core peripheral staff."
"competitive rate" -> "competitive environment"
Explanation: "Competitive environment" is a more accurate and formal way to describe the conditions in which businesses operate, replacing the vague "competitive rate."
"remunerated job opportunities" -> "compensated employment opportunities"
Explanation: "Compensated employment opportunities" is a more formal and precise term than "remunerated job opportunities," which is less commonly used in formal writing.
"wholeheartedly believe" -> "firmly believe"
Explanation: "Firmly believe" is a more formal expression than "wholeheartedly believe," which is somewhat emotional and less suitable for academic writing.
"civilization of mankind" -> "human civilization"
Explanation: "Human civilization" is a more formal and precise term than "civilization of mankind," which is awkward and less commonly used.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both the positive and negative effects of an increasing elderly population, which is a key requirement of the prompt. The first paragraph discusses the benefits, such as the contribution of older individuals to the workforce and cultural preservation. The second paragraph outlines the negative aspects, including pressure on healthcare and job competition for younger generations. This balanced approach demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could provide more specific examples or data to support claims, especially regarding the positive impacts. For instance, citing statistics on the economic contributions of older workers or specific cultural practices they help preserve could strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that, despite the challenges, older people have a positive impact on society. This is evident in the concluding statement, which reinforces the writer’s belief in the importance of the elderly. However, the transition between discussing the positive and negative aspects could be smoother to ensure the reader clearly understands the writer’s stance throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer could use transitional phrases that explicitly indicate when they are shifting from discussing positive to negative effects. For example, phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the roles of older individuals in society, such as their contributions to business and cultural identity. However, some ideas could be further developed. For instance, the mention of "lifelong learning" is a strong point, but it could benefit from examples of specific programs or initiatives that illustrate how older individuals engage in this learning.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could involve discussing specific case studies or providing anecdotal evidence that illustrates the positive contributions of the elderly.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the effects of an increasing elderly population. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For example, the mention of "the narrowing of remunerated job opportunities among employees" could be more explicitly linked back to the elderly population’s impact rather than a general statement about job competition.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the effects of the increasing elderly population. This can be achieved by explicitly connecting each argument to the prompt and avoiding tangential discussions that do not directly address the question.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, which is commendable. By incorporating more specific examples, improving transitions, developing ideas further, and maintaining tighter focus on the prompt, the essay could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both positive and negative effects of an increasing elderly population, and a conclusion. The arguments are generally well-organized, with the first body paragraph focusing on the benefits and the second on the drawbacks. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the positive contributions of older people to the negative implications could be more explicitly signposted to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly indicate a shift in focus, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely." Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, which will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph addresses a distinct aspect of the topic, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer internal organization. The points made about healthcare and accommodation pressures are somewhat jumbled and could be more distinctly separated.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider breaking down the second body paragraph into two distinct sections—one focusing on healthcare issues and the other on accommodation and taxation concerns. This would allow for a more focused discussion on each point and enhance overall readability.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "in addition," and "however," which help to connect ideas and maintain flow. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the second body paragraph where "Moreover" and "subsequently" are used closely together without much variation.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of connectors and linking phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Moreover," consider alternatives like "Furthermore," "Additionally," or "In contrast." This will not only improve the cohesion of the essay but also demonstrate a broader vocabulary range.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments in a coherent manner, enhancing transitions, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and effective piece.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "detrimental," "steadfast strategies," and "propagandizing" showcasing the writer’s ability to use less common and more sophisticated language. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "the old" is repeated multiple times, which could be replaced with synonyms such as "elderly," "senior citizens," or "aged population" to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and phrases throughout the essay. This could involve using a thesaurus to find alternatives for frequently used terms and ensuring that the vocabulary reflects the nuances of the argument being made.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "lifelong learning" and "cultural identity." However, there are moments of imprecision that can lead to confusion. For instance, the phrase "the majority of enterprises concentrate desperately on their old stagers" could be clearer; "old stagers" is somewhat informal and may not convey the intended meaning effectively. Additionally, "gigantic income" could be replaced with "substantial income" for a more formal tone.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately convey their intended meaning. This can be achieved by considering the context in which the words are used and opting for terms that align with the formal nature of an academic essay. Reading academic articles can also help in understanding how to use vocabulary more precisely.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is generally accurate, with no glaring errors that detract from the overall readability. However, the term "old-aged" is not commonly used in this context; "elderly" or "aged" would be more appropriate. Additionally, "propagandizing" is a complex term that might not fit the intended meaning of promoting or preserving culture.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy and appropriateness, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on the usage of terms that may not be commonly recognized. Utilizing spell-check tools and consulting dictionaries can also aid in ensuring that the vocabulary used is both correct and suitable for the context.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with a band score of 7, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and appropriateness of word choice. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like "whereas there is particular inclination toward the trend’s benefits" and "the majority of enterprises concentrate desperately on their old stagers" exhibit a good command of complex sentence formation. However, there are instances of less varied structures, such as the repetitive use of "the elderly" and "old-aged people," which could limit the overall diversity of expression.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound sentences and varied introductory phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "the elderly," synonyms like "senior citizens," "older adults," or "aged population" could be employed. Additionally, the use of participial phrases or appositives could add complexity and interest to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and punctuation, with few noticeable errors. However, there are some awkward constructions and minor grammatical inaccuracies. For instance, the phrase "the preservation of cultural identity must be taken into huge consideration" could be more effectively expressed as "the preservation of cultural identity must be given significant consideration." Additionally, the use of "old-aged inhabitants" is somewhat awkward; "older inhabitants" would be more natural. The punctuation is generally correct, but the use of commas could be improved for clarity, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on refining awkward phrases and ensuring that all expressions are idiomatic. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where the flow is disrupted. Additionally, reviewing common grammatical structures and their correct usage can help avoid minor errors. Practicing with punctuation exercises, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will also enhance clarity and readability.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical range and accuracy, there are opportunities for improvement in sentence variety and grammatical precision. By diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical expressions, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this contemporary era, it is discernible that the steady increase in the elderly population has become a controversial issue in various regions. While there is a distinct inclination towards the trend’s benefits, its detrimental influence on the community is undeniable.

First of all, while it is undeniable regarding the creativity and vitality of the new generation, the majority of enterprises focus intensely on their older employees. Through lifelong learning and valuable experience, the elderly manage to develop various effective strategies from which they derive profits and serve as key personnel, such as consultants in any company. In addition, regarding the advent of technology and globalization, the preservation of cultural identity must be given significant consideration. As a result, these older residents play an essential role in maintaining well-established culture and promoting this to younger generations. These reasons have proved the great importance of older people in contemporary society.

However, alongside the fact that older individuals have a potential impact on the community, there are still a range of downsides that cannot be ignored. The healthcare system is now subjected to significant pressure due to the increasing number of elderly people. Moreover, accommodation provision is also a general concern for the government, associated with the welfare society, which caters to pensioners. These issues force the youth to contribute more in taxes since the authority needs substantial revenue to sustain the prior generation. Subsequently, it is likely that the younger generation will have to deal with the threat of unemployment as the rise in senior citizens continues. Once there is enough core personnel in a business, the demand for hiring a new workforce may decline remarkably, resulting in a high competitive environment and the narrowing of compensated employment opportunities among employees.

All things considered, despite the deleterious issues related to the elderly, I firmly believe that older individuals still have a positive impact on human civilization. Without these citizens, the following generations may forget to either sustain the previous moral and traditional values or respect the past.